Daily Male: Chris Martin

Coldplay is coming back to Toronto! Woot! Looooove the Coldplay! I can only hope I don't get fucked out of tickets for this show like I was for Kings of Leon. I hate you Ticketmaster, suck balls in hell. Back on topic, in honour of the blokes' return to the T Dot, Chris Martin is today's Daily Male.



I've heard from dudes who think Chris Martin is a douche. This is like crazy talk to me. Chris Martin is like a puppy, who doesn't like puppies? Sickos, I say! This is what Chris Martin says to you haters...



Most chicks love the Chris Martin. It might be the British accent. A dude could go Christian Bale on me and as long as he's telling me he's going to 'fucking kick my fucking ass for bullshitting and fucking around around on set' in a British accent, I'd be like 'yeah, I am pretty fucking unprofessional!'







Copy and paste this shit for some adorable Chris Martin/Ricky Gervais action;
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5DlvxYmBHYo


*For Tannis

So, If She Boards A Plane, Is This Considered Carry-on?

In the 80s, my parents had, as did many parents I assume, this really ugly brown leather luggage. After many years they finally disposed of it and got a brand new set. Little did I know I should have asked them to hold on to that retro shit because apparently, it's back in style. In dress form.

Ed McDad is in the Hospital

It has not been good times as of late for the former Tonight Show sidekick and my dad's celebrity lookalike, Ed McMahon. First he nearly lost his home and his wife racked his credit card up to high heaven. Now it looks like he might be joining his wife's maxed out credit card. EMac is in the hospital battling not only bone cancer but also a very serious bout of pneumonia. Apparently it's not looking good. Sad times for my dad lookalike, for sure.

I only hope that if Ed does peace out, that Johnny Carson returns the favour of years of devoted sidekickship and greets him at the pearly gates by saying "Heeeere's Ed!" and then someone pops out from behind a cloud with a comically oversized cheque.



And Kyla, who is trying to set up an interview with Ed for a TV show we're working on? I think it's safe to assume the answer will be negatory.

*For Krista and Susan who swear that my dad looks like Ed McMahon

No Doubt This is Some Awesome Gossip, Girl!

Some super sweet guest stars are heading to my guilty pleasure show. No Doubt is set to perform on the show's season finale on May 11th. Sweet!



The performance comes ahead of the No Doubt summer tour. Gwen and the boys will perform an oldie from before any of these Gossip Girl twats were born - Stand and Deliver by Adam Ant.

Could you imagine Chuck Bass and Gwen Stefani making out? Head.Exploding.

Hey Mickey You WERE so Fine, You WERE so Fine it Blows My Mind.

Ah, Mickey and Loki, a love affair for the ages, like Bogi and Bacall, Tracy and Hepburn before them. One single tear slides down my face....

As has been well-documented, I'm obsessed with everything Mickey Rourke. I want to be friends with his crazy ass and busted face and I'm not even being facetious. I know Mickey and I will have some pretty legendary adventures together that would likely involve an arrest, burying a body or doctering fake passports, or possibly all three, and that that's just in one night. But now that the hoopla of the Oscars has died down, I am worried I'm not going to get my regular Mickey fix (until of course we eventually settle in Miami with our respective exquisitely-attired animals, glorious shoe collections and memories of wilder days) I know that Mickey isn't nice to look at, in fact a few years ago my friend Alex and I were in New York covering the Tribeca film festival and we saw some bloated, dishelved, crazy-looking mess of a man and I started screaming "Mickey! Mickey!"

It was not in fact, Mickey Rourke.



You can see how I might have been mistaken.

But as my friend Kyla reminded me yesterday, Mickey hasn't always been busted. In fact, there was a time when, before the years of boxing took its toll on his mug, before the ghetto plastic surgery to fix said toll, when the Mickster was, if you can believe it, considered a hearthrob. I know bile just rose up into your throat, swallow it down and check out some Mickey Rourke of yesteryear. Hard to believe it's even the same person.







I have to admit I'd probably want to get with old school Mikey, he was quite a piece. But in all honesty, I prefer the busted, crazy, swigging-champs-from-the-bottle, sexually-harrassing, dog-loving, wacko Mickey. He seems like fun.




New York magazine appears equally fascinated with My Mickey as the fine folks there have compiled a photo slideshow called "Mickey Rourke's Face; A History" Cut and paste this shit below;

http://nymag.com/daily/entertainment/2008/12/mickey_rourkes_face_a_history.html#photo=2

I Need to Marry Russell Simmons. NOW

I don't think I want kids, frankly the whole 'not drinking for nine months' thing probably wouldn't work out well for me or anyone around me for that matter. Plus I am not what you would call a patient woman and I'd be going Christian Bale on those poor kids every day. However, I might consider putting down the vodka bottle and taking anger management for Russell Simmons. Cause apparently popping out a couple puppies for Russell means your ass is set for life. And by 'set for life' I mean you're wiping your ass with gold toilet paper, putting diamond ice cubes in your drinks and blowing your nose with thousand dollar bills.



Russell and his ex-wife, Kimora Lee, who have two children together, have finalized their divorce and the settlement calls for Russell to pay her ass 40 thousand dollars a month in child support until the girls turn 19. Those little brats are only six and nine years old right now so that Brinks truck will be backing up to Kimora's house for another 13 years! THIS IS SOME CASH FOR LIFE LOTTERY SHIT!!!!!
And that's not all. R-Sim also agreed to buy the girls a car worth at least 60 grand which will be replaced every three years. Seriously, if I was Russell Simmons I would vasectomize that shit right now.

Daily Male: Will Arnett

In celebration of the news that Michael Cera has signed on to the Arrested Development movie (scroll your ass down for deets) George Michael's uncle, George Oscar Bluth aka GOB is today's Daily Male.



There's something dirty about GOB. Michael Bluth is the one you want to marry but not before having a dirty weekend with GOB. You'd wake up in the morning, still half in a vodka haze, turn and find him in your bed and think to yourself 'I've made a huge mistake.' Then you'd have morning sexy times cause what the hell, what's done is done. Don't lie, you've been there too. I don't know what it is about GOB, I think it's his sexy voice. My friend Scotty once said "I'd like to give GOB a job." Me too Scotty, me too....



Yeah, the guy wearing the $4000 suit is holding the elevator for the guy who doesn't make that in four months. COME ON!


It's the final countdown da da da da da da da da da.....


GOB and Elmo performing tricks. Oops, I mean, illusions.


I know you think this photo is retarded Scotty but I think it's totes adorbs. Wife of Gob. If I didn't love Amy Poehler so much, I'd hate her.



Strangely, I am somewhat turned on my this...I'm confused.

Busted Asshole Lips

Riddle me this; When Lisa Rinna's husband, Harry Hamlin is receiving a blow job from her busted asshole lips...is that considered like, sodomy?

Don't even get me started on that hair. I'm far too tired.

FUCK YOU PACMAN! I'M GONNA FUCKING KICK YOUR FUCKING ASS! WE'RE FUCKING DONE PROFESSIONALLY.

Something tells me you don't wanna be around Christian Bale if he loses this here video game.

I Needed a Drink After Reading This

THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
WASHINGTON - A study of nearly 1.3 million British women offers yet more evidence that moderate alcohol consumption increases the risk of a handful of cancers.

Fuck!

What happened to 'everything in moderation?'

Wait. Does this mean if I increase my alcohol consumption from moderate to major that I'll be okay? Cause I'd totally be willing to test this out. You know, for science.

She Needs to Date Joaquin Phoenix

Homelessness is a very real problem in North American society. One that will only get worse as we plunge deeper into this global economic crisis. One only has to look at this photo of this poor, young, homeless girl to put a face to this problem....



Wait. What?

This is Mary Kate Olsen? I see.

Don't you just love it when millionaires who can afford to buy and sell your ass choose to starve themselves and dress like trolls who live under a bridge? Yeah, me neither. Sad thing is you know bitch paid more for this ensemble than you did for your car. THIS IS SOME SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE SHIT!!1!!

Daily Male: Chuck Bass

Gossip Girl has been on hiatus for a few weeks and I'm missing my weekly dose of Chuck Bass. But there's good news fellow Bass bitches, the CW network has announced Gossip Girl has been renewed for a third season. So to celebrate, Chuck Bass is today's Daily Male.




Here are some more images from the super hot Chuck Bass/Helena Christensen Mrs. Robinson-themed spread from Harper's Bazaar. THIS IS SOME THE GRADUATE SHIT!!!!!!




I'm pretty sure if Chuck Bass looked at me the way he's looking at Helena in the photo below, I'd end up pregnant. Then, after I told Chuck Bass I was pregnant, he would pour himself a scotch (neat, no ice) swirl it around in his glass, take a sip, put the glass down on the bar, then casually stroll over to me, calmly take out ten crisp 100 bills from his wallet and say "take care of it" before walking out of the room, never to be seen or heard from again.



I'm certain this photo below must be of Ed Westwick in real life playing Bassketball (see what I did there? Yeah) and not Chuck Bass in character because Chuck Bass doesn't play sports. The only physical activities in which Chuck Bass partakes are sex and blackmail.



Is that a fucking velour track suit? Hells yeah it is.

Will They Talk About Chest Hair and Crazy Cool Medallions?

Talkin' it up! On the Jimmy Fallon Talk Show.

So Jimmy Fallon's late night talk show premieres on March 2nd. JimFal is taking over for Conan who's replacing Leno. I hadn't planned on checking it out....Until now, that is....

My Dancing Sex Monkey Justin Timberlake is scheduled to make an appearance. Jizz in my pants!




Talking it up! On The Barry Gibb Talk Show! Talkin bout issues! Talkin bout, real important issues! Talking it up, on The Barry Gibb Talk Show! Checkin out politics, in this crazy crazy town yeah yeah yeah!
Talkin it up! On The Barry Gibb Talk Show! Talkin bout chest hair, talkin bout, crazy cool medallions!



Jimmy, I expect to see a Barry Gibb talk show skit or...

"I will gut you like a fish! I'll cut you like a fish yeah, I'll put you in the ground, yeah! Me and my brother gonna put you in the ground, yeah!"

Suzy ain't no Travis!

Damn Suzy, you failed me, you failed us all.

Turns out the pet chimp the Kardashians welcomed into their family was just some bullshit stunt for their bullshit reality show. Kim Kardashian says;

"My mom has been begging Kourtney, Khloe and I to settle down and have kids, so we thought it would be funny to rent a baby chimpanzee for a week and leave her with my mom! We don't still have Suzy, she was just rented for a week!"

Well Suzy, that was SEVEN DAYS you had to rip off a bitch's face. Seven days! Travis is not impressed Suzy, and neither am I.

Speaking of FaceOff Chimp, Kim, who again, is famous for having a big ass and a sex tape, has apologized for posting pictures of Suzy in the wake of the recent FaceOff Chimp tragedy.

"I understand my timing was not appropriate and it was insensitive of me....What happened to the woman that was attacked by the chimpanzee was devastating! My mom and I saw it on the news and heard the 911 calls and we both cried!"

I'm crying too Kim, I'm crying too.

Daily Male: George Michael

I'm all about George Michael today (scroll down) so in honour of the good news about George Michael Bluth, the other George Michael, you know, the singer songwriter, is today's Daily Male.







It's true, guilty feet ain't got no rhythm.

Has My Faith in George Michael Paid Off?

George Michael, the singer songwriter, once said these inspiring words;

I gotta have faith...
Mmm, I gotta have faith
'Cause I gotta have faith, faith,
I gotta have faith-a-faith-a-faith, baby!

Well, it seems my faith in the other George Michael, the woodblocksman, Mr. Manager (or is it just manager?) may have paid off. Marry me!



E! is reporting that Michael Cera, the lone holdout on an Arrested Development movie has finally stopped being a bastard like Steve Holt! and has signed on. Sources say the movie is all systems go. Now everybody is laughing and riding and cornholing! Taste the happy! Kinda tastes like sad. Phew! I was starting to think Michael Cera got off on withholding. Perhaps Mr. Cera has finally realized there's no 'i' in Teamocil? At least not where you think. I'd cry but I can't spare the moisture.

A source tells E! that Arrested Development creator Mitch Hurwitz will direct and not Ron Howard as previously suspected.

So how do I feel about this? I don't understand the question and I won't respond to it. Actually if this is accurate I will jump right into bed with George Michael and I wouldn't just lie there Michael Bluth, if that's what you're thinking! I can't wait to see what tricks they have up their sleeve for the movie. I mean 'illusions' a trick is something a whore does for money. Or cocaine.

Hopefully this will actually, for reals happen and I won't have to come back on here and admit that I prematurely shot my wad on what was supposed to be a dry run and now I have somewhat of a mess on my hands.

I Hope Suzy is Related to Travis

Kim Kardashian, as my boyfriend Joel McHale from The Soup likes to remind us, is famous for having a big ass and a sex tape. And because we're at the threshold of hell, listening to the faint galloping of the four horsemen of the apocalypse grow louder with each passing day, having a big ass and a sex tape is not only enough to land you a reality TV show, it's enough to get your entire family a show. Exhibit A; Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

Apparently the Kardashians have recently added to their brood in the form of a pet chimp named Suzy....



With a family made up of the names Kris, Kim, Khloe, Kourtney, Kendall and Kylie, I'm fucking shocked this animal isn't named Kuzy.

Please, oh please let Suzy be related to Travis. You remember Travis, right? The chimp who went buck wild one day and tore the face off his human mother's friend? Yeah, that one.



When FaceOff Chimp Travis wasn't starring in Old Navy and Coke commercials, he was eating, sleeping and bathing with his human mom. Sick? Yes but one has to believe his life was better than that of the Kardashian's new pet...




They've dressed up poor, sweet Suzy like a common whore and have her working a stripper pole. Nice. You just know Suzy is on that blackberry typing to her chimp friends "I'm gonna pull a Travis and rip at least one of these bitch's faces off! I might meet the same fate as Travis, my body riddled with bullets courtesy of the popo but fuck, it will be totally worth it."