Awesome

I love this man. That's it. That's all.

Fat Husband + Hot Wife = WTF?

I'm a shallow bitch. Let's just get that right out of the way, shall we? That said, what the fuck is with this trend on television over the past several years of pairing a fat husband with a hot wife who's way out of his league? In the last several years shows like King of Queens, According to Jim, Still Standing and Yes Dear all had something in common, they featured attractive women married to overweight, sloppy husbands. That and the shows sucked major ass. Okay, that's two things in common for you mathletes. Is this believable? Really? I'll even wade into the deep end of the pool for a moment and take appearance out of the equation, these women are still too good for the sad sacks to whom they're hitched. It would be one thing if the guy was carrying an extra 20, 30, 40 pounds but was intelligent, interesting, charming and an overall catch but for the most part, the husbands on these sitcoms were bumbling idiots, overgrown children who were constantly getting themselves into one retarded situation after another.

Most of these shitcoms are off the air now but the trent of fat husband, hot wife continues. One only has to look at commercials for proof. During the holidays there were a series of Staples commercials that had me wanting to shoot out the TV Elvis Presley-style. The ad featured a relatively attractive, seemingly intelligent woman and her fat ass husband telling us they decided to keep their Christmas shopping low-key this year and get each other modest gifts. The couple explains the wife still purchased the husband a pretty decent gift and then they show what the husband picked up for his wifey - a dancing Christmas tree. The way the husband acts while they're showcasing this stupid gift tells me that not only is he a fat ass, he's a dumbass as well. Seriously, the guy looks like he's mildly to moderately retarded. And this fat bastard (he's super overweight btw, not like 20 pounds overweight, I'm talking fat, like it's time to call Star Jones and ask for the name of her doctor, fat) is featured in yet another commercial, this one for the lottery. In the spot, his wife, a cute, petite blonde comes home to find her husband tattooing the logo for some low rent casino on his big, fat chest in the mirror. He turns around to reveal he's tattooed the logo on himself backwards. Something stinks about this and it ain't this dude's body odour. Again, would this cute, seemingly smart woman even look twice at this dolt in the street nevermind MARRY him? Was she under the influence of some insanely potent brand of psychotropic drugs? That is the only explanation for this match.

Don't get me wrong, I know appearance isn't EVERYTHING (in a relationship anyway, in a one-night-stand situation, it matters much more) Personally, I'd rather date someone who's somewhat attractive but who has a wicked sense of humour, is intelligent, ambitious, charming and caring than some dude is pretty but dumber than fuck (again, I'm talking relationships here, not hookups, for hookups, they can be stupider than a box of rocks for all I care since I imagine the only words exchanged will be "yes!" "harder!" and "so...can I call you a cab?") Frankly, I've always found someone hot can easily become less attractive if he's dumb, has no sense of humour or is an all-around douchebag. Conversely, if a guy is moderately attractive but features a host of other great qualities, he becomes better and better looking. Funny = Sexy. But the men on these sitcoms and commercials don't seem to possess any of these additional qualities. They're not funny or intelligent, they're fucking buffoons!

I realize these are actors I'm talking about and I wouldn't be so enraged about this trend if it went both ways, if, in the media we also saw really attractive men married to overweight, unattractive and stupid women. If we saw someone who looked like George Clooney in a relationship with someone who looked like Rosie O'Donnell. But we NEVER see that. NEVER. Instead, we see attractive men paired with equally, if not more attractive women. It's not fair and it suggests that women are so desperate to be paired up, to settle down and be married off that we'll settle for any man and frankly, it's insulting.

Bass on Becks

Gossip Girl has become my latest obsession. Is it a good show? Well it's not as genius as say, Arrested Development, but it has it's moments. It features beautiful people in beautiful clothes basically it's the ultimate in guilty pleasures. I never watched Dawson's Creek, Party of Five or The O.C. so when Gossip Girl first hit the air last year I dismissed it immediately as useless, teenaged crap on which I wouldn't waste my time. Cut to me in the second season and I'm addicted to this shit like crack. I have no idea what prompted me to check out the first season on DVD but I was immediately hooked. Never say never I suppose.

What do I love most about Gossip Girl? Chuck Bass. Well I don't know if 'love' is the right word. I LUST Chuck Bass. I want that mother chucker In my bed, on the floor, in the shower, you get the picture. There's something about his smarmy ass that is so hot. Don't get me wrong, I'm fully aware of how absolutely ridiculous Chuck Bass is, the way he speaks, the way he dresses, it's all completely campy and over the top and I LOVE IT. I eat this shit up with a fucking spoon! I would hit this shit so hard. I would lie about it to my friends but I would hit it nonetheless. I have a crush on Chuck Bass and it seems Chuck Bass has a crush of his own, a mancrush no less...



Ed Westwick who plays Chuck recently had this to say about soccer hottie David Beckham:
"I was at this ball in New York that was so grand David Bowie was sitting at the next table and shook hands with George Clooney.Then I went to the toilet and there was David Beckham. I couldn't say anything, I just ran out. A friend tried to persuade me to say, 'Hello,' but I couldn't do it. It was ridiculous. But I had a Beckham t-shirt when I was a kid and he was the one I watched growing up. There have been a couple of times now that I've been in the same room as him, but I just can't go up to him. I can't do it."

Le sigh. Bass and Becks? It's almost too much to imagine! I would pay big money to watch these two make out. More than I'd pay to see Becks make out with the stick figure robot with bolted on cantaloupe tits to whom he's married.

Taste The Happy, Taste the Sad

I will admit it, I did not watch Arrested Development when it was on the air. Several people told me how brilliant it was but for whatever reason, I never had the inclination to check it out. My bad, although I believe a piss poor marketing campaign by FOX is also partly to blame. I was eventually introduced to the sheer genius of Arrested Development during Thanksgiving weekend of 2007 when a friend handed me all three seasons on DVD and essentially ordered me to watch. I wasn't even half way through the first season when my life changed forever. Soon, words and phrases like 'I've made a huge mistake,' 'analrapist,' 'Annyong,' 'nevernude' and "her?" became permanent additions to my lexicon.

I became obsessed with Arrested Development and made it my personal mission to not only seek out other Arrested Development fans with whom to chat about the show and compare favourite quotes, but to also expose those who had not yet been introduced to the show and convert them. I was like Tom Cruise and Arrested Development was my Scientology. Like Tom, I started calling those unaware of AD 'glib' and started jumping on friends' couches when professing my undying love for the show. Unlike Tom Cruise, however, I am not a closeted homosexual but presented with the opportunity to make out with Portia DiRossi aka Lindsay Bluth, I can't say I'd turn that shit down (sorry Ellen) Liking, scratch that, LOVING Arrested Development became a new (and possibly the most important) criteria in a boyfriend. I simply could not entertain the idea of dating someone who didn't like the show. Having not watched the show was allowed only if, after watching it under my supervision, he would become one of the enlightened. Having seen the show and NOT falling immediately in love with it was tantamount to being a smoker or someone who doesn't drink- a total dealbreaker. I remember last year, about three months after my conversion, being on a second date with a guy who, by all accounts was cute and smart. I started asking him about Arrested Development but upon hearing he did not 'get' my show, my vagina dried up faster than Tara Reid's at a party with no open bar. I really should have dramatically stormed out right after he dropped this bombshell but this bitch will never turn down a free meal. I knew immediately this dude and I had no future and he instantly became so ugly to me that the thought of making out with him disgusted me. I mean, I still did it but I didn't enjoy it as much as I would have had it been the tongue of a fellow Arrested Development fan swirling around inside my mouth. There was, however, NO TOUCHING! I never did see that boy again. That's just fine because I never cared for him, much like Lucille never cared for Gob...

Anyway, talk of an Arrested Development movie has swirled since the show was unceremoniously pulled from the airwaves in 2006 but chatter about a big screen incarnation is louder than ever. Creator Mitch Hurwitz is on board as is executive producer/narrator Ron Howard who is in talks to direct. Reports say all the original cast members are ready to hop on the stair car save for one lone holdout - Michael Cera aka George Michael Bluth. The news is like a knife to my heart, or at least the part of my chest where my heart is supposed to be. It seems Cera not only has a busy schedule with four movies in development, but rumour has it that the Brampton, Ontario boy is hesitant to reprise the character who once boasted of his finely-tuned internal clock (it IS after all, why he's such a natural percussionist)

I feel so deceived. Maybe it isn't Steve Holt! who's the bastard, but George Michael? Why would he NOT jump at the chance to be part of an Arrested Development movie? I don't understand the question and I won't respond to it. I lied, I will respond. If the rumours are true, Michael Cera is an ungrateful little twerp who best sit down and recognize why any of us know his name in the first place. Don't get me wrong, I have mad love for Michael Cera, he's adorable and if I was a teacher and he was my student, I can't promise I wouldn't go all Mary Kay Letourneau on his ass. NOBODY plays painfully awkward teenager better than Michael Cera which is why he keeps playing a painfully awkward teenager in each and every one of the films he's done since the show wrapped. If he truly thinks returning to the character would be a step back for him, he really needs to watch Superbad, Juno and Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist over again because he is playing George Michael or a variation of George Michael in each of those movies. If he's not above playing a George Michael-like character on the big screen, why not just suck it the fuck up and play the actual George Michael?

In conclusion, this movie NEEDS to happen. And if Michael Cera won't sign on maybe they could get the other George Michael. You know, the singer/songwriter.

Just when I had lost all faith in karma....

An open letter to OJ Simpson, whose ass will be behind bars for a long time, hopefully being sodomized within an inch of his life.

Dear OJ,

When you stab your ex-wife to death nearly decapitating the bitch in the process and also stab to death some other poor sap who just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time and actually get away with that shit, spend the rest of your life thanking Christ for Mark Fuhrman and an incompetent jury, okay? Don't go after some dude with a fucking gun over bullshit memorabilia okay? Don't tempt the fates you stupid fuck.

Sincerely,
Dirty Blonde

FAS face

I have no idea if Britney consumed alcohol while she was pregnant with her second son but she might as well have because Jayden James has major FAS face.

Hells Yes.

I would hit this shit so hard. Like, harder than Tina hitting the floor after a punch from Ike hard.

Her? Really?

Someone please call the retirement home and reserve a spot for Barbara Walters. Either that or get this bitch a dictionary because she obviously has forgotten the definition of the word 'fascinating.' The old goat's annual 10 Most Fascinating special airs tonight and on her list is Miley Cyrus. Her? Really? Somebody please explain to me what is so fascinating about this little wench because I am baffled. When I look at this little brat I see a marginally-talented, annoying-as-fuck churn out from the Disney Pimp Factory with a face begging for a beat down. Why teenaged girls are in love with this skank-in-training I will never know. And on a totally superficial level, there is something about her mouth that bugs the fuck out of me. Seriously I want to punch puppies whenever I look at her. Rage inducing? Yes. Fascinating? Not so much. Couple this twat with her pimp father with a penchant for frosted tips and flat irons, you have the creepiest father/daughter dynamic since Joe and Jessica Simpson. Last I heard J-Simp was playing a bingo hall. I see "B-27" in Miley's future. Better save your money, bitch!

Sloppy Seconds

Yes the NHL totally overreacted in suspending Sean Avery indefinitely. Doesn't make him any less of a douche. If the NHL doesn't work out for young Sean, he can always find employment at the Massengil factory.
As for 'ol Sloppy Seconds there, well she's friends with Paris Hilton. Nuff said.

Smells Like Herpes

Racking your brain trying to think of what to get that special lady in your life for Christmas? Might I suggest the new perfume by Parasite Hilton? What better way to tell the lady in your life you love her than by suggesting she douse herself in what's sure to be a mixture of jizz and skank juice with a dash of crotch rot?

Seriously who buys this shit? And when is this no-talent cum dumpster going to fade away?

It's Britney, Bitch.

If you watched last night's Britney: For the Record hoping to get any insight into what caused America's reigning pop princess to jump all aboard the Crazy Train, you were sorely disappointed. Much like Brit Brit herself, the 90-minute documentary was full of flash but short on substance. The doc opened telling us no question would go unanswered. This would be impressive had some tough questions actually been asked but alas, they were not. In what was supposed to be a no-limits, candid interview, Britney was handled with kid gloves without really having to explain her rationale behind actions like dashing into a random salon and shaving her head, shedding her clothes in full view of the paparazzi and jumping into the ocean in her underwear, losing custody of her children, dating a douchebag member of the paparazzi...the list goes on. Instead, Britney just repeats several times how she was going through a tough time and how she's made mistakes. Watching and listening to her is like watching and listening to a confused 17-year-old girl, not a woman of 27 who is the mother of two children. If there was ever a cautionary tale for greedy parents thinking pimping out their child to stardom, this is it.

With her new album dropping tomorrow and a string of public appearances and performances on her schedule, everyone keeps talking about this big Britney comeback but one wonders if she really is ready. It was less than a year ago that a batshit crazy Britney was being strapped to a gurney and forcibly taken to a psychiatric ward. And if last night's doc is any indication, Britney doesn't seem to truly understand herself and what drove her to such depths of insanity. What doesn't help is that it doesn't seem like anyone in Britney's camp, her family included, truly has her best interests at heart. Everyone seems too invested in getting back the moneymaking machine that was the old Britney. The crazy bitch could probably benefit from a couple years out of the spotlight, living out of LA, in intense therapy and trying to be a true mother to her children, not cranking out another album and being trotted out for public consumption. Of course there's no money to be made from that.

On a side note, how fucking frightening was Madonna in last night's doc? Jesus Christ on a Christmas Cross woman! Bitch was botoxed within an inch of her life not to mention those cheek implants! She looked more like the crazy cat lady Jocelyn Wildenstein than Madonna. There's something to be said for growing old with some grace. Plastic surgery doesn't make you look younger, it just makes you look like you've had plastic surgery. Seriously Madge, stop. Just.Stop.