File Under 'Shit We Already Knew,' Carrie Prejean is a Stupid Fucking Bitch

As we all know, Miss California has been stripped of her title for refusing to live up to the contractual obligations that came with her totally useless title. Methinks this isn't the first time this trick has been stripped of something. Clothes and dignity are the first things that come to my mind.

Of course Carrie claims she's being punished for her antiquated stance on same sex marriage for her firing telling Access Hollywood, "none of this would be happening right now if I just said 'yeah, gays should get married. You're right Perez Hilton.' " I would have been cool with her saying that, everything but the 'you're right, Perez Hilton' part because dude is a major league douchebag. Seriously, he's not even in the minors anymore, douche turned fucking pro. Anyway, pageant officials maintain it was Carrie's lack of cooperation that saw her fired and leaked emails between her and Miss California executive director Keith Lewis not only prove bitch was uncooperative but that she's also fucking dumber than a box of rocks. Not that we didn't already suspect that with her enlightened views on 'opposite marriage.'

Below is a mind numbingly frustrating email exchange between Carrie and the aforementioned Keith Lewis leaked to Fox News in which dude suggests she take a meeting at the Style Network. Not only does bitch not understand why or what he's talking about (though it's CLEARLY outlined in the email) bitch gets hostile for no apparent reason, accuses the pageant of trying to make money of her appearances (uhm...isn't that the point?) Then she gets crazy enraged, accusing the pageant of not wanting her to volunteer with the Special Olympics when CLEARLY dude is asking for some contact information so he can arrange said volunteer opportunity through the proper channels, in an official capacity. Are we sure she wasn't asked to compete rather than volunteer? Are Dumbassedry and Cuntiness now events at the Special Olympics? If so, fire up the Star Spangled Banner, cause we got a double gold medal winner on our hands here.

Read the email exchanges below. Or just put your genitals in a vice, it's probably less painful.

From: "Keith Lewis"Date: Fri, 29 May 2009 07:19:18 -0700To: Carrie PrejeanSubject: FW: Messages

Carrie,

The Style Network has asked to schedule a general meeting. Generals in the entertainment field are an opportunity for casting and producing executives to gain a better understanding of a potential talents range and demeanor in order to consider them for future projects. They are done without a specific agenda. I have had great success with my actors who have taken generals and would suggest you give it strong consideration. You never know where it may lead and sometimes they develop entire shows around you. The following days are available to meet with them here in LA. Please let me know as soon as possible if any of them work for you.

Best regards,

Keith Lewis

From: cprejeanXXXXSent: Friday, May 29, 2009 7:38 AMTo: Keith LewisSubject: Re: Messages

What is this for?

From: "Keith Lewis"Date: Fri, 29 May 2009 07:43:45 -0700To: Subject: RE: Messages

Carrie,

It is for a general meeting – please see the explanation below.

Best regards,

Keith Lewis

From: cprejeanXXXXSent: Friday, May 29, 2009 7:42 AMTo: Keith LewisSubject: Re: Messages

Just as you need details for things so do I. Also nice move trying to make money off of my appearances Also.. Do not try and silence me by saying I do not have a comment about the prop 8 ruling. Maybe you don't. I do

From: "Keith Lewis"Date: Fri, 29 May 2009 07:49:07 -0700To: Subject: RE: Messages

Carrie,

I have given you the details completely. Perhaps it is not something you would like to partake in, either way, you can let me know and I will respond to them today.

Best regards,

Keith Lewis

From: cprejeanXXXXSent: Friday, May 29, 2009 7:40 AMTo: Keith LewisSubject: Re: Messages

I expect you to be forwarding me ALL email requests and interview requests to me. I know how you are and its not right if you are selecting things for me. Thanks for your cooperation And fyi I am a presenter of medals at the special olympics in a few weeks for the summer games. So now u know I am doing this and I expect your full support. Also I was asked to fill in for a dj on a local radio show.. Ill be reading from a show biz script monday. I am doing this

From: "Keith Lewis"Date: Fri, 29 May 2009 08:01:35 -0700To: Subject: RE: Messages

Carrie,

As we have discussed, there is proper protocol and we have not waived our rights in any way to your contract. I am happy to try and facilitate the request. Please forward over the information along with the proper contact and we will try and confirm the appearance right away.

Best regards,

Keith Lewis

From: cprejeanXXXXSent: Friday, May 29, 2009 7:57 AMTo: Keith LewisSubject: Re: Messages

You do not cooperate with me, and you pick and chose the the things YOU want me to do. That is not happening anymore. Stop speaking for me. I have MY own voice. What are u gonna do fire me for volunteering for the special olympics hahaha ur crazy No I am doing this appearance. You do not need details. Its for the SPECIAL OLYMPICS!!! You just need to know I will be doing it alright

You will not facilitate this appearance

You can take your genitals out of the vice now. I enjoy how this bitch not only lacks very basic reading and comprehension skills, but the fundamentals of English as well. Hello Carrie, I'd like you to introduce you to my old friends period and comma. Use them. Also, bonus points for the misuse of the word 'facilitate.' I love when a dumbass busts out what he/she thinks is a five dollar word and then proceeds to use it incorrectly. And I'm sorry but using shit like 'ur' instead of 'you're' in a business-related email is just one of the hundreds of pieces of mounting evidence that society is going to shit. This ain't texting, bitch, spell out your words! A part of me died inside reading these emails. Methinks instead of paying for her titty implants, the Miss California pageant should have paid for a brain implant because clearly, CJ here is working without one. Allow me to quote Judge Judith Sheindlin when I say 'beauty fades, dumb is forever.' (speaking of dumb, why is my font all fucked? Argh!)

I cannot imagine the herculean amounts of restraint it must have taken for Keith Lewis not to write back telling this self-entitled, illiterate retard to gently fuck herself with a chainsaw. I can't say I'd show the same restraint if faced with such a stupid fucking twat. Somebody nominate this motherfucker for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Levi Should Have Kept His Johnston In His Levis

Levi Johnston, that 18-year-old dude who knocked up Sarah Palin's teenaged daughter, Bristol, is continuing his media blitz, slamming the Palin family and trying to clear his family's name. I'm pretty sure nobody actually gives a fuck about his family or their name but young Levi here feels the need to appear on both the Tyra Banks show and CBS News to clear it. Whatevs. Levi says the biggest misconception about him is "Umm, probably that my family's white trash." Babydoll, if you're going on the Tyra Banks show to tell people you're not white trash, it pretty much means that you are in fact, white trash.

That and your name is Levi and your sister's name is Mercede. Not Mercedes even, Mercede. COUGHwhitetrashCOUGH.

Levi says Sarah Palin is lying out of her Tina Fey face about the fact that he and Bristol used to live together (and do sex to each other) under her roof. He says it happened, she says it didn't. Whatever. Levi also says that Palin and babymama Bristol won't let him spend much time with his infant son Tripp (these fucking names!) I'm sure he said more but I'm already bored.


So let's assess this sitch now, shall we? This baby has two teenagers for parents, an ultra conservative gun-loving Rebuplican famewhoring grandmother on one side and another grandmother awaiting trial for drug charges on the other. And did I mention his name is Tripp? Awesome.

That said, I'm not proud of it but.....



I would totally hit this. Hard.

He's hot in that 'dumb as a bag of hammers' kinda way. You know the type, where it's Shhhhhh the less talking, the better. The real stupid ones usually bring some good game, cause really, it's all they have to offer the world. As long as the talking is kept to an absolute minimum, it's all good.



I'm not really feeling this lil 'stache Levi is sporting here but I'd hit it nonetheless. With a condom. On birth control. Followed by a morning after pill with a vodka chaser and a tumble down the stairs for good measure. The dumb ones are always the most fertile (exhibit A: Kevin Federline) That's what someone really needed to teach Bristol Palin. It's perfectly okay to sleep with the stupid, pretty dudes but damn girl, you don't go having a kid with them! Hellz no.

You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have The Facts of Life!

It's Bad Enough You're a Cheater, Don't be a Dumbass Too

Recently, one of my girlfriends, TK told me she was pretty damn sure the husband in a couple she is friends with was "Mr. and Mrs. Smithing it" aka cheating on his wife with a woman at work. Ah, banging the coworker, does it get any more cliche? I guess banging the nanny? I rate banging the coworker an A+ for douchebaggery, F for originality.



Anyway ,TK asked me if I thought she should tell wifey. My advice was no. Without having any hardcore proof he was having an affair, she ran the risk of destroying her friendship with this woman. The messenger often takes the bullet in a sitch like this. Plus, TK's husband works with the suspected cheater and telling the wife could make TK's husband's work life awkward. In my opinion, it's not worth blabbing unless the wife is a SUPER close friend, like in your top three friends. If not, leave that shit alone because you're just inviting drama into your own life and chances are the wife will eventually figure that shit out for herself. Then, just a week after TK sought my advice, the situation seems to have resolved itself....



Turns out husband, who works for a telecommunications company, was calling and sending his whore such an obscene amount of text messages on her company cell phone from his company cell phone that it raised a red flag at their company. Husband was unable to explain the insane amount of communication with his whore (to whom he was a superior) and guess what? Husband's cheating ass got straight up fired. Days later, whore's ass was canned too. Nice work assholes. Such a great economy in which to be out of work! And dude's got two small kids. I'm slow clapping for him right now.



This incident got me thinking and I believe it calls for another installment of The More You Know.



My last The More You Know warned of the hidden dangers of one-night stands, http://dirtyblondeshavemorefun.blogspot.com/2009/01/one-night-stands-are-dangerous.html
Today's installment offers some sage advice for cheaters on how not to get your ass caught.



Pay attention kids, class is in session....



Technology is not your friend. Well, it's more like your frenemy. While offering a great way to keep in touch with your whore, it can also lead to your downfall. Technology is to cheaters as unbridled enthusiasm was to Billy Mumphry. Has your ass never seen an episode of Law & Order or CSI? Everything is traceable. If you're going to email/text your whore about how much you love her/are thinking about her, delete that shit. Think it's gone? Wrong. Delete that shit out of the deleted items box. C'mon now, this is amateur shit, I'm technotarded and I know this much is true.



Second, you know that game Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon? Well you need to Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon the fuck outta EVERYONE you know. Okay, your whore knows Sally and while Sally might not know your wife but did you know Sally knows Molly who knows Mary who does know your wife?



Map that shit out. People talk.

And that brings me to my third tip; never underestimate how much people love to gossip.



Think your male friends don't gossip? Wrong. Having a penis does not render one unable to gossip. In fact some dudes I know gossip like a bunch of little bitches. So if your guy friends suspect something is up, don't count on them to keep that shit quiet, they could blab, even unintentionally. Do your guy friends genuinely like your wife? Not good. Even an off-hand comment like "what's the deal with so-and-so?" can start the wheels of your downfall in motion.



Fourth, think before going out in public. If you take your whore to a hockey game, for example, who might see you there? Will that person tell your wife? Chances are, yes.

And my final tip for not getting caught cheating.............



Uhm, how about you just, I dunno..not cheat?

And that my lovelies, wraps up another installment of The More You Know. Until next time!

Does E-mail Have a Cockblock Setting?

Recently, over a glass of wine and some relatively subpar sushi, one of my girlfriends and I discovered we had something interesting in common; we've both received emails from guys featuring a picture of their penis. In my friend's case, the email, or p-mail, came from someone with whom she was once involved. It'd been nearly two years since they were involved and a couple months since their last platonic contact. Then, one day, out of the clear blue sky, she receives a photo of his cock. How very Pete Wentz of him. But seriously, WTF? What kind of response was this supposed to illicit? Was she supposed to be reminded of its glory and try to get back with him? Or book a ticket and hop on a plane for a quickie? I don't really understand the point of this. Dude, she's already seen it and she seems to be doing just fine without it.

In my case, I hadn't even met the dude yet when he incorrectly decided it was socially acceptable to email me a photo of his schlong. I was like dude, fo reals? What was I supposed to do with this? I mean, other than forward it on to my friends. Was this supposed to make me want to go out with him? Have sex with him? Well, it had the exact opposite effect -hell to the no was that thing coming near me, I'm a petite girl and my idea of a pleasant evening does not end with me in the ER getting stitches 'down there.' But even if dude wasn't in possession of something that could do significant damage to my lady bits, my reaction to the gesture would have been the same; total turnoff.

First of all, what a stupid thing to do, it just reeks of a mixture of douche and retard, douchetard if you will. Second, and not everyone will agree with me here, but penises aren't particularly attractive to look at*. I mean, they serve a purpose for sure and don't get me wrong, I enjoy them but I don't exactly want to sit and look at them, ya know? It's like why I laugh at male strippers instead of getting turned on. I'd rather see a guy in jeans and a T-shirt or rocking a suit like nobody's business. I'll take those over cock shots any day of the week. And if you really want to turn me on, send me a photo of you doing my dishes or cleaning out my cat litter box.

*The exception is a young man from Boston named Tom. He was, as he told me himself, blessed. A douchey thing to say but a) he said it in his Boston accent which immediately rendered it awesome and b) he was right.

Just when I had lost all faith in karma....

An open letter to OJ Simpson, whose ass will be behind bars for a long time, hopefully being sodomized within an inch of his life.

Dear OJ,

When you stab your ex-wife to death nearly decapitating the bitch in the process and also stab to death some other poor sap who just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time and actually get away with that shit, spend the rest of your life thanking Christ for Mark Fuhrman and an incompetent jury, okay? Don't go after some dude with a fucking gun over bullshit memorabilia okay? Don't tempt the fates you stupid fuck.

Sincerely,
Dirty Blonde