Douche Couture

I've never seen an episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8, not one. Yet, I'm still constantly exposed to this Jon character because his ass is all over the magazines and this brand new thing people are calling the 'world wide web.' Apparently this unemployed (unless you consider pimping out your kids and your wife's clown car uterus an actual career, which, btw, I do not) father of eight has already landed himself a new girlfriend,  just bought some crazy expensive NYC apartment and was ON A BOAT recently in France or some shit and yada yada yada...I don't fucking care. Like I said, I've never seen a single second of this eight kid freak show but from what I hear, a lot of people seem to think this Kate person is a miserable, nagging cunt. The Cuntess of Cuntex, the Cunt-EO of Cuntalay Industries, if you will. That may very well be the case, but Jon ain't no prize, either. In fact, I think he needs to be arrested. Immediately. Why? For the brutal, merciless rape that is committed on my poor innocent eyeballs every damn time I have to see a picture of this fool. Seriously, my eyeballs need Detectives Benson and Stabler up in here, THIS IS SOME LAW & ORDER: SVU SHIT!!! What am I talking about? Ed Hardy. That's what I'm talking about. Ed Hardy and Jon's religious-like devotion to the brand. 

Exhibits A through D are below, your honour;

An early midlife crisis just isn't complete until it's been accessorized with a motorcycle. And of course, a new girlfriend who's younger (and skankier) than your wife...


Oh Jon, are those diamond stud earrings I spy with my little raped eye? You truly are playing by the Early Midlife Crisis handbook, aren't you? I'm afraid I'll have to grade you a D in originality. Better luck next time.

 The only thing keeping my eyes from requiring a rape kit and a crisis counselor is the fact that the tiger on the above shirt isn't bejeweled or bedazzled.

Sweet Fancy Moses! I spoke too soon! Notice how the Ed Hardy name is bedazzled on the shirt above? That's for when you need to be extra douchey on like, special occasions and shit. When you absolutely, positively have to be the biggest bag of douche in the room, accept no substitutes.

What is it about Ed Hardy that, like its scent counterpart, Axe Body Spray, draws douchebags to it likes moths to a flame? Is it the cool skull imagery? (Shit, I gotta tread lightly here because I have an affinity for skulls, myself) Is it the tattoo-like designs of the shirts and hats? Like, it gives douchebags who are too much of a pansy ass pussy to get inked a way to look all hardcore and badass without a needle ever having touched them? I don't know. I do know that Christian Audigier should really just change the name of the line to Summer's Eve Designs or Threads By Massengil at this point. It's just that synonymous with douche. Shit, I bought an Ed Hardy jacket in NYC way back in 2005 (it looks NOTHING like the fuckery in these photos, I know cause I just went in my closet and checked!) but I cannot even think about wearing the damn thing ever again because of these fucking turd burglars. 

And what's with the Ed Hardy slogan, Love Kills Slowly? You know what else kills slowly? Syphilis. Which is what you're going to get if you put your genitals anywhere near these Hardy boys. In fact, I really should have put a giant condom over my laptop before I started this post. Fuck. Hassle-free clinic, here I come!

But as much as any dude sporting these douche threads would have a Sahara-like effect on my vagina, at least they're not pretending to be something they're not. At least you know what you're getting, right? It's the douchebags in nice guy clothing that we really have to be worried about, ladies.  You know, the smart, well-dressed dudes with the stable jobs and seemingly good heads on their shoulders who wait months to unleash their inner, raging douche. At least these bedazzled fucktards aren't wearing a disguise. These walking STDs are literally douchebags in douche clothing. So....thanks, Ed Hardy?

 

The Hills Are Alive with Nasty Denim and Flesh Beards

Here's useless twats Heidi and Spencer out and about in LA. Apparently these famewhores are getting married this weekend. I can't pretend to care. What's really on my mind is deciding what's nastier, Spencer's flesh-toned beard or Heidi's denim one piece? A tossup indeed.

When I first laid eyes on Heidi's ensemble, I immediately thought of this denim atrocity from yesteryear...


Christ, it still pains me to look at this mess, even all these years later. What in Levis factory vomit hell was he thinking? This reminds me of why I used to have such an intense hate on for JT, before I was justified and lovestoned. I must look away now, the tears are starting to come and if they start, they won't stop. Let's try and forget this heinous monstrosity by bleaching out our eyes with this....


Aah. Much better. Speaking of JT, the new reality show he exec produced premieres on MTV tonight. It's called On The Phone and no, it doesn't feature Russell Crowe throwing phones at hotel clerks for money, unfortch. Instead it features contestants getting a call on their cell offering the chance to participate in crazy ass antics for a 50 thousand dollar prize. I'd do it. Times are tough, I'd do anything for money. But that's another story for another day. Click below for a hot and bespectabled JT offering up a quick and dirty explanation of On the Phone;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6B19Kd_6Mx0

And don't forget JT is hosting SNL for a third time on May 9th. Set your PVRs and get ready to jizz.in.your.pants. As I mentioned before, Ciara is the musical guest so you know she and JT are going to perform Love Sex Magic. Click below for the video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zTYT-SiZeFo

Douchechella

The Coachella Music Festival went down in California this weekend and while it would have been awesome to check out acts like The Killers, Franz Ferdinand, Lupe Fiasco, Leonard Cohen, M.I.A, TV on the Radio and others, one has to wonder if it would have been worth the risk of placing oneself in the proximity of such rampant douchebaggery....

Please tell me someone soaked that cigggie in gasoline right before this...

That woman is mighty brave kissing The Hoff like that. This must be before he downed a bottle of vodka and inevitable burger barf bonanza...

Jared Leto? Hi. Yeah, uhm... Joaquin Phoenix called, he wants his beard back...

Avril Ladouche

Before the Miley Virus infected us all with a face annoying enough to send me into an inexplicably violent Virginia Tech-style ragestorm upon its mere sight, there was this punk ass poseur trick. Avril Lavigne is proof positive that douchebags come in female form too. When I saw this picture I had a frightening thought;

What if, after Avril and her pocket rocker husband Deryck Whibley break up (cause they all do) she took up with John Mayer? Their combined douche forces would form some sort of super strength strain of douche, like an explosion of douchebaggery. It would be cataclysmic and would rock the Earth to her very core. It would have disastrous and far-reaching effects, the likes of which we'd be powerless to fight. Suddenly we'd all be spray tanned within an inch of or lives, clad in bedazzled Ed Hardy and Affliction gear, posing for photos whilst giving the middle finger and gang symbols. We'd go off on long-winded emo tangents, about how we're misunderstood and the world is against us.

An Avril Lavigne/John Mayer hookup would spell the end of humanity as we know it. It simply cannot happen.

Captain Douche of the SS Massengill

I'm on a boat motherfucker!

John Mayer aboard the Mayercraft Carrier today. I'm not making this shit up, he's actually performing on a boat named the Mayercraft Carrier.

Thank you John Mayer, thank you.

The Douche Boat, Exciting and New!

Here's John Mayer on the Carnival Splendor in San Pedro, California as part of his One Splended Evening benefit concert aboard the ship. Proceeds go to VH1's Save the Music campaign. I think a better name for this event would have been the Summer's Eve benefit concert aboard the SS Massengill with proceeds going to the douches of tomorrow. John Mayer could hold seminars teaching the art of douchebaggery.

Making Asian Eyes is the New DUI

Getting busted for a DUI is so totally last year. The latest in young Hollywood douchebaggery is making fun of Asians. Keep up people!

This is apparently proud virgin Joe Jonas pulling a Miley Cyrus and making Asian eyes. As a faux Asian woman I'm somewhat offended. But I'm actually more offended by this zebra shirt he's wearing. If the Asians are going to call for some kind of JoBro boycott, I'm pretty sure the zebras should as well.

Nice purity ring Joe. It's easy to abstain from pussy when you have no interest in it, yes? Oh, you're not gay? Uhm this shirt begs to differ.

Just.Stop.

I refuse to join Twitter. It's bad enough I'm on Facebook, I don't need this Twitter shit in my life, too. Plus, no offense, but I don't need to know what you're doing, thinking, eating, watching, reading every fucking minute of every fucking day, ya know? Twitter must be like the fucking holy land for all those bastards who feel the need to update their Facebook statuses every time they take a fucking shit. Seriously people, if you're going to update every five fucking minutes, can you at least try to make it funny or interesting or informative? Something? Anything? Anyway, someone else who needs to keep his ass the fuck off Twitter is John Mayer...



Apparently John Mayer, fresh off yet another breakup with Jennifer Aniston, recently posted this on Twitter; "This heart didn't come with instructions." 

Fucking.Barf. 

My friend Tara can't understand why I hate John Mayer. Tara, it's shit like this that makes me want to punch John Mayer in his douche face. He's a great guitar player people tell me. Great, play the guitar but shut the fuck up cause when John Mayer opens his mouth, douche just falls out. Apparently when he twitters too (or tweats, whatever, don't care)

Anyway, speaking of Twitter, you know who else is NOT on Twitter? Paul Rudd....


 My imaginary lover recently told E! "I'm afraid of the Internet. I'm too old to tweet. So I don't tweet, I twat." 

LOVE him.

The Rudd will be on the Ellen Degeneres Show this Friday (thanks to Amanda for the heads up!) I'll be watching. Ladybone in the morning!

Even Gwyneth Paltrow is Calling Bullshit on These Shenanigans!

At least one more person is calling bullshit on the elaborate Unfrozen Caveman Rapper hoax that is the rap career of Joaquin Phoenix, his recent costar Gwyneth Paltrow. Chris Martin's wifey told MTV UK;

"I think that there might be some other explanation or something going on. I'm not quite sure what, but I can't believe that he's really going to quit forever to become a rapper."


Gwynnie also has some sage advice for Unfrozen Caveman Rapper if he wants to get some cred in the rap world, "Hmm ... maybe to go live in the projects for a few years to get some authenticity, maybe."

I love Gwyneth for calling out Unfrozen Caveman Rapper on this bullshit but have the people of the projects not suffered enough with crime, poverty and other social ills? Do they need a tsunami of douchebaggery on their plate as well?

Douchesteraunt

Apparently John Mayer and Ashton Kutcher were twittering or tweating or whatever the fuck you crazy kids call it, back and forth this weekend about opening up a restaurant together. They joked it should be called 31 Club because that's how old they both are. Kutcher said "31 Club where it's standing room only." Uhm. I'm 31 can I get in on this action? Only if these two are involved I think it would be kneeling room only because we'd all be in front of the toilet vomiting because these two douchebags make us sick. At least the restaurant would be relatively cheap to operate, no need to stock up on food since these jackoffs make most of us lose our appetites.

Smells Like Douche Spirit

If your bottle of Paris Hilton's fragrance is starting to run low and instead of replacing it with more of the same, you're thinking to yourself 'you know, I'm kinda done with smelling like dried jizz, herpes sores, racism, appalling ignorance and misplaced self-entitlement, I'm really ready to start smelling like an immature, one-note, bitchfaced punk-ass poseur douchebag,' then today is your lucky day!

From Contact Music;

Canadian pop star AVRIL LAVIGNE has finished work on her debut fragrance - the first edition of her planned cosmetics empire. The singer signed a major deal with beauty company Procter & Gamble to produce a new toiletries line, including perfume, aftershave, bath oil, bath soap, shower gel, body shampoo, and body lotion.

The first fragrance will be called Black Star and Avril has this to say about it;“It has been a pretty cool experience. It’s so me in a bottle."




Avril in a bottle, eh? Unlike vodka, this is one bottle I will never, ever open.

It's Bad Enough You're a Cheater, Don't be a Dumbass Too

Recently, one of my girlfriends, TK told me she was pretty damn sure the husband in a couple she is friends with was "Mr. and Mrs. Smithing it" aka cheating on his wife with a woman at work. Ah, banging the coworker, does it get any more cliche? I guess banging the nanny? I rate banging the coworker an A+ for douchebaggery, F for originality.



Anyway ,TK asked me if I thought she should tell wifey. My advice was no. Without having any hardcore proof he was having an affair, she ran the risk of destroying her friendship with this woman. The messenger often takes the bullet in a sitch like this. Plus, TK's husband works with the suspected cheater and telling the wife could make TK's husband's work life awkward. In my opinion, it's not worth blabbing unless the wife is a SUPER close friend, like in your top three friends. If not, leave that shit alone because you're just inviting drama into your own life and chances are the wife will eventually figure that shit out for herself. Then, just a week after TK sought my advice, the situation seems to have resolved itself....



Turns out husband, who works for a telecommunications company, was calling and sending his whore such an obscene amount of text messages on her company cell phone from his company cell phone that it raised a red flag at their company. Husband was unable to explain the insane amount of communication with his whore (to whom he was a superior) and guess what? Husband's cheating ass got straight up fired. Days later, whore's ass was canned too. Nice work assholes. Such a great economy in which to be out of work! And dude's got two small kids. I'm slow clapping for him right now.



This incident got me thinking and I believe it calls for another installment of The More You Know.



My last The More You Know warned of the hidden dangers of one-night stands, http://dirtyblondeshavemorefun.blogspot.com/2009/01/one-night-stands-are-dangerous.html
Today's installment offers some sage advice for cheaters on how not to get your ass caught.



Pay attention kids, class is in session....



Technology is not your friend. Well, it's more like your frenemy. While offering a great way to keep in touch with your whore, it can also lead to your downfall. Technology is to cheaters as unbridled enthusiasm was to Billy Mumphry. Has your ass never seen an episode of Law & Order or CSI? Everything is traceable. If you're going to email/text your whore about how much you love her/are thinking about her, delete that shit. Think it's gone? Wrong. Delete that shit out of the deleted items box. C'mon now, this is amateur shit, I'm technotarded and I know this much is true.



Second, you know that game Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon? Well you need to Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon the fuck outta EVERYONE you know. Okay, your whore knows Sally and while Sally might not know your wife but did you know Sally knows Molly who knows Mary who does know your wife?



Map that shit out. People talk.

And that brings me to my third tip; never underestimate how much people love to gossip.



Think your male friends don't gossip? Wrong. Having a penis does not render one unable to gossip. In fact some dudes I know gossip like a bunch of little bitches. So if your guy friends suspect something is up, don't count on them to keep that shit quiet, they could blab, even unintentionally. Do your guy friends genuinely like your wife? Not good. Even an off-hand comment like "what's the deal with so-and-so?" can start the wheels of your downfall in motion.



Fourth, think before going out in public. If you take your whore to a hockey game, for example, who might see you there? Will that person tell your wife? Chances are, yes.

And my final tip for not getting caught cheating.............



Uhm, how about you just, I dunno..not cheat?

And that my lovelies, wraps up another installment of The More You Know. Until next time!

Why So Serious?

Here's Chris Brown in court yesterday. He looks sad. Probably not because he put the beat down on his girlfriend but because he's starting to realize he will eventually be playing the Deerfoot Casino in Calgary like his idol, Ike.

Fuck Joey, What the Hell is On YOUR Head, Chad?

Chad Kroeger, his new bob and some other dude from Nickelback were on The Hour last night. For the love of all that is holy, someone take away this man's flatiron!

I've never met anyone who actually likes Nickelback. Never. But obviously some people have been straight up lying to my ass because somebody keeps buying their fucking albums. Seriously, who are you? Do you not notice they keep putting out the same song over and over again? Let me channel Mugatu from Zoolander when I scream 'PHOTOGRAPH?' 'HOW YOU REMIND ME?' 'ROCKSTAR?' THEY'RE THE SAME SONG!!!!

Anyway, I don't know what the hell the point of this post was, I guess just to say that Chad's hair is really fucking bad. Worse than that curly mess it usually is. Chad? Cameron Diaz circa 1998 called, she wants her look back...



...She also wants you to stop making douche jams. Well, that last part was me.

Macho Macho Man

Chris Brown in Miami this weekend showing us all the kind of manly, muscular, brute force it takes to give your girlfriend two black eyes, two goose eggs on her head, a busted lip and swollen nose. You're a big man, Chris Brown!

I'm Calling Shenanigans on This Bullshit

So you know how Joaquin Phoenix has lost his fucking mind and is dressing like a homeless person with an addiction to sniffing solvents? And you know how he's claiming to have left acting to pursue his career as a rapper, right? Rap and hip hop are all about collaborations these days so I guess MC Hobo can callabo with the mice living in his hair and beard. Some people are saying this shit is a straight up hoax and that instead of being one crack hit away from joining his brother River on the big movie set in the sky, that he's actually fucking with us. I couldn't decide if he had actually lost his shit or if he was Andy Kauffmaning our asses but after his wacked out appearance on Letterman last night, I'm crossing over to the 'bitch please, you're full of shit' side. My Boston boyfriend and Joaquin's brother-in-law, Casey Affleck has been filming this fuckery for a documentary on Joaq's foray into rap. MC Hobo appeared cranked out of his face on Letterman and I can't believe my Casey would be taking part in this if it was legit. My boyfriend is good people. I mean fuck, he's from Boston!

Of course if Joaquin ends up dead in a ditch with a needle in his arm, I'll eat these words. Until then, shenanigans!!

Watch his 'performance' here;
http://www.tmz.com/videos?autoplay=true&mediaKey=da5a6a66-4928-4e88-90a1-e51f1f243a95

Wrigley Gum Spits Out Chris Brown

Chris Brown is thinking he'd like to double his pleasure and double his fun by beating down on both these bitches.

As I suspected might happen, Doublemint has dropped Chris Brown's ass in the wake of the controversy surrounding his alleged beatdown of Rihanna. A spokesperson for Wrigley gum told US Weekly;

"Wrigley is concerned by the serious allegations made against Chris Brown...we have made the decision to suspend the current advertising featuring Brown and any related marketing communications until the matter is resolved."

As I said before, Wrigley holding on to a guy accused of assaulting his girlfriend while Kellogg's dumped Michael Phelps' butterface for simply smoking pot would have been ten shades of fucked. Hey America! It's okay to smack your bitch up, just don't light up a fatty after wiping that dumb bitch's blood off your hands cause that would be immoral!



Rumours have been swirling all day about the extent of Rihanna's alleged injuries, reports range from bruises to her face to a broken jaw and possible bite marks on her arms. Biting is not cool unless you're both naked and even then, only in moderation, some of us don't want to wait three weeks before we can wear a short-sleeved top in public again, asshole! Anyway, back to Rihanna. Her people aren't talking, saying only "Rihanna is well. Thank you for concern and support." If Rihanna was not the victim in question here her reps would be denying the fuck out of it so it's pretty obvious it was her. Several outlets are full-on identifying her as the alleged victim. Chris Brown has hired Mark Geragos as his lawyer. Geragos has previously represented alleged child toucher Michael Jackson, pregnant wife killer and all around useless piece of shit Scott Peterson and fast fingers Winona Ryder. Brown's ass is due in court March 5th.

In the meantime he's pulled out of a scheduled performance at Sunday's NBA all-stars game. Both Chris and Rihanna canceled last night's Grammy performances last minute. Kim Kardashian, who's late father represented wife killer OJ Simpson, took to her blog to talk about Chris and Rihanna.

"I am in shock Rihanna and Chris canceled on this year’s Grammy show! I was SO looking forward to seeing both of them. They were essentially going to be the prom queen and king this year."




Uhm.. Bitch? Why was your ass even at the Grammys? In the words of the brilliant Joel McHale, Kim Kardashian is famous for having a big ass and a sex tape. Is getting pissed on by a third rate R&B singer really all it takes to get an invite to the big show?

Ike Turner Called. He Wants His Schtick Back.

Wondering why Chris Brown and Rihanna didn't perform at the Grammys as scheduled? Apparently they were too busy starring in a remake of the 1993 Tina Turner biopic What's Love Got to Do With It over the weekend.

LAPD were called out early Sunday morning after Chris Brown and an unidentified woman, who may or may not have been his girlfriend Rihanna got into some domestic Disturbia during which Chris apparently listened to his inner Olivia Newton John and 'got physical' on her ass. The woman called police and but Chris decided to 'run it' and was gone by the time cops arrived. Chris later turned his own ass into police, was booked on a felony and released on 50 thousand dollars bail.

Hmm...I think Chris Brown is a cutie and I enjoy his dance floor jams but if this shit is true, he's obviously a major league douchebag. Even Christian Bale is like "Fuck dude, you should go to some fucking anger management classes."

Chris Brown currently appears in ads for Doublemint gum. Kelloggs showed Michael Phelps' dolphin ass the door over some harmless pot, so if it's found Chris Brown did indeed beat a bitch, Wrigley's gum best quit him. I don't think backhanding your girlfriend's face qualifies as doubling your pleasure or doubling your fun.

Daily Male (and Meltdown): Christian Bale

Have you heard the audio of that hot piece of ass Christian Bale losing his shit all over the DP on the set of Terminator: Salvation? Apparently the DP accidentally walked into the shot while trying to adjust a light and Christian went American Psycho on his ass, dropping about a thousand F Bombs. If he threw a few C Bombs in there for good measure, I'd say we're soulmates. Seriously though, Christian puts on an impressive display of douchebaggery. Could you imagine if the guy would have dissed Huey Lewis and the News? Shit, he would have got an axe right to the head!

"I think their undisputed masterpiece is "Hip to be Square", a song so catchy, most people probably don't listen to the lyrics. But they should, because it's not just about the pleasures of conformity, and the importance of trends, it's also a personal statement about the band itself."
Patrick Bateman, American Psycho

So in honour of his exploding verbal diarrhea, Christian Bale is today's Daily Male.
Cut and paste this shit below to listen to him freak the fuck out. I'd link it but for some reason the link feature is not working. Time for my own Christian Bale FREAKOUT!!!

www.aolcdn.com/tmz_audio/020209_christianbale.mp3

I don't know what disturbs me more, that one of my favourite actors is acting like a dick or that I'm totally turned on by it?
The way Bale swears got me bothered and hot and I jizz in my pants.


Is it wrong that I find this hot?


My favourite scene from American Psycho. Yes, I need help.