I've never seen an episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8, not one. Yet, I'm still constantly exposed to this Jon character because his ass is all over the magazines and this brand new thing people are calling the 'world wide web.' Apparently this unemployed (unless you consider pimping out your kids and your wife's clown car uterus an actual career, which, btw, I do not) father of eight has already landed himself a new girlfriend, just bought some crazy expensive NYC apartment and was ON A BOAT recently in France or some shit and yada yada yada...I don't fucking care. Like I said, I've never seen a single second of this eight kid freak show but from what I hear, a lot of people seem to think this Kate person is a miserable, nagging cunt. The Cuntess of Cuntex, the Cunt-EO of Cuntalay Industries, if you will. That may very well be the case, but Jon ain't no prize, either. In fact, I think he needs to be arrested. Immediately. Why? For the brutal, merciless rape that is committed on my poor innocent eyeballs every damn time I have to see a picture of this fool. Seriously, my eyeballs need Detectives Benson and Stabler up in here, THIS IS SOME LAW & ORDER: SVU SHIT!!! What am I talking about? Ed Hardy. That's what I'm talking about. Ed Hardy and Jon's religious-like devotion to the brand.
Exhibits A through D are below, your honour;
An early midlife crisis just isn't complete until it's been accessorized with a motorcycle. And of course, a new girlfriend who's younger (and skankier) than your wife...
Oh Jon, are those diamond stud earrings I spy with my little raped eye? You truly are playing by the Early Midlife Crisis handbook, aren't you? I'm afraid I'll have to grade you a D in originality. Better luck next time.
The only thing keeping my eyes from requiring a rape kit and a crisis counselor is the fact that the tiger on the above shirt isn't bejeweled or bedazzled.
Sweet Fancy Moses! I spoke too soon! Notice how the Ed Hardy name is bedazzled on the shirt above? That's for when you need to be extra douchey on like, special occasions and shit. When you absolutely, positively have to be the biggest bag of douche in the room, accept no substitutes.
What is it about Ed Hardy that, like its scent counterpart, Axe Body Spray, draws douchebags to it likes moths to a flame? Is it the cool skull imagery? (Shit, I gotta tread lightly here because I have an affinity for skulls, myself) Is it the tattoo-like designs of the shirts and hats? Like, it gives douchebags who are too much of a pansy ass pussy to get inked a way to look all hardcore and badass without a needle ever having touched them? I don't know. I do know that Christian Audigier should really just change the name of the line to Summer's Eve Designs or Threads By Massengil at this point. It's just that synonymous with douche. Shit, I bought an Ed Hardy jacket in NYC way back in 2005 (it looks NOTHING like the fuckery in these photos, I know cause I just went in my closet and checked!) but I cannot even think about wearing the damn thing ever again because of these fucking turd burglars.
An early midlife crisis just isn't complete until it's been accessorized with a motorcycle. And of course, a new girlfriend who's younger (and skankier) than your wife...
Oh Jon, are those diamond stud earrings I spy with my little raped eye? You truly are playing by the Early Midlife Crisis handbook, aren't you? I'm afraid I'll have to grade you a D in originality. Better luck next time.
The only thing keeping my eyes from requiring a rape kit and a crisis counselor is the fact that the tiger on the above shirt isn't bejeweled or bedazzled.
Sweet Fancy Moses! I spoke too soon! Notice how the Ed Hardy name is bedazzled on the shirt above? That's for when you need to be extra douchey on like, special occasions and shit. When you absolutely, positively have to be the biggest bag of douche in the room, accept no substitutes.
What is it about Ed Hardy that, like its scent counterpart, Axe Body Spray, draws douchebags to it likes moths to a flame? Is it the cool skull imagery? (Shit, I gotta tread lightly here because I have an affinity for skulls, myself) Is it the tattoo-like designs of the shirts and hats? Like, it gives douchebags who are too much of a pansy ass pussy to get inked a way to look all hardcore and badass without a needle ever having touched them? I don't know. I do know that Christian Audigier should really just change the name of the line to Summer's Eve Designs or Threads By Massengil at this point. It's just that synonymous with douche. Shit, I bought an Ed Hardy jacket in NYC way back in 2005 (it looks NOTHING like the fuckery in these photos, I know cause I just went in my closet and checked!) but I cannot even think about wearing the damn thing ever again because of these fucking turd burglars.
And what's with the Ed Hardy slogan, Love Kills Slowly? You know what else kills slowly? Syphilis. Which is what you're going to get if you put your genitals anywhere near these Hardy boys. In fact, I really should have put a giant condom over my laptop before I started this post. Fuck. Hassle-free clinic, here I come!
But as much as any dude sporting these douche threads would have a Sahara-like effect on my vagina, at least they're not pretending to be something they're not. At least you know what you're getting, right? It's the douchebags in nice guy clothing that we really have to be worried about, ladies. You know, the smart, well-dressed dudes with the stable jobs and seemingly good heads on their shoulders who wait months to unleash their inner, raging douche. At least these bedazzled fucktards aren't wearing a disguise. These walking STDs are literally douchebags in douche clothing. So....thanks, Ed Hardy?
But as much as any dude sporting these douche threads would have a Sahara-like effect on my vagina, at least they're not pretending to be something they're not. At least you know what you're getting, right? It's the douchebags in nice guy clothing that we really have to be worried about, ladies. You know, the smart, well-dressed dudes with the stable jobs and seemingly good heads on their shoulders who wait months to unleash their inner, raging douche. At least these bedazzled fucktards aren't wearing a disguise. These walking STDs are literally douchebags in douche clothing. So....thanks, Ed Hardy?
3 comments:
bag of douche.
i learn so much from you DB.
good to have you back!
Did a douche in nice-guy clothing hurt you? Do you want me to beat him up for you? Realistically, I'm not beating anyone up unless he's 5 feet tall and 75 pounds and that would still be a stretch. But, maybe I can steal his nice-guy clothing to stop him from hurting your sisters.
It is good to hear from you again.
Post a Comment