Namasdouche

Check out this famewhore douchebag doing yoga. He's praying for another 15 minutes.

Where's the bedazzled tiger, Jon? Doesn't Ed Hardy make yoga gear yet?

Douche Couture

I've never seen an episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8, not one. Yet, I'm still constantly exposed to this Jon character because his ass is all over the magazines and this brand new thing people are calling the 'world wide web.' Apparently this unemployed (unless you consider pimping out your kids and your wife's clown car uterus an actual career, which, btw, I do not) father of eight has already landed himself a new girlfriend,  just bought some crazy expensive NYC apartment and was ON A BOAT recently in France or some shit and yada yada yada...I don't fucking care. Like I said, I've never seen a single second of this eight kid freak show but from what I hear, a lot of people seem to think this Kate person is a miserable, nagging cunt. The Cuntess of Cuntex, the Cunt-EO of Cuntalay Industries, if you will. That may very well be the case, but Jon ain't no prize, either. In fact, I think he needs to be arrested. Immediately. Why? For the brutal, merciless rape that is committed on my poor innocent eyeballs every damn time I have to see a picture of this fool. Seriously, my eyeballs need Detectives Benson and Stabler up in here, THIS IS SOME LAW & ORDER: SVU SHIT!!! What am I talking about? Ed Hardy. That's what I'm talking about. Ed Hardy and Jon's religious-like devotion to the brand. 

Exhibits A through D are below, your honour;

An early midlife crisis just isn't complete until it's been accessorized with a motorcycle. And of course, a new girlfriend who's younger (and skankier) than your wife...


Oh Jon, are those diamond stud earrings I spy with my little raped eye? You truly are playing by the Early Midlife Crisis handbook, aren't you? I'm afraid I'll have to grade you a D in originality. Better luck next time.

 The only thing keeping my eyes from requiring a rape kit and a crisis counselor is the fact that the tiger on the above shirt isn't bejeweled or bedazzled.

Sweet Fancy Moses! I spoke too soon! Notice how the Ed Hardy name is bedazzled on the shirt above? That's for when you need to be extra douchey on like, special occasions and shit. When you absolutely, positively have to be the biggest bag of douche in the room, accept no substitutes.

What is it about Ed Hardy that, like its scent counterpart, Axe Body Spray, draws douchebags to it likes moths to a flame? Is it the cool skull imagery? (Shit, I gotta tread lightly here because I have an affinity for skulls, myself) Is it the tattoo-like designs of the shirts and hats? Like, it gives douchebags who are too much of a pansy ass pussy to get inked a way to look all hardcore and badass without a needle ever having touched them? I don't know. I do know that Christian Audigier should really just change the name of the line to Summer's Eve Designs or Threads By Massengil at this point. It's just that synonymous with douche. Shit, I bought an Ed Hardy jacket in NYC way back in 2005 (it looks NOTHING like the fuckery in these photos, I know cause I just went in my closet and checked!) but I cannot even think about wearing the damn thing ever again because of these fucking turd burglars. 

And what's with the Ed Hardy slogan, Love Kills Slowly? You know what else kills slowly? Syphilis. Which is what you're going to get if you put your genitals anywhere near these Hardy boys. In fact, I really should have put a giant condom over my laptop before I started this post. Fuck. Hassle-free clinic, here I come!

But as much as any dude sporting these douche threads would have a Sahara-like effect on my vagina, at least they're not pretending to be something they're not. At least you know what you're getting, right? It's the douchebags in nice guy clothing that we really have to be worried about, ladies.  You know, the smart, well-dressed dudes with the stable jobs and seemingly good heads on their shoulders who wait months to unleash their inner, raging douche. At least these bedazzled fucktards aren't wearing a disguise. These walking STDs are literally douchebags in douche clothing. So....thanks, Ed Hardy?

 

Speidi or Staving?

Here's Heidi and Spencer serving pizza to the homeless in LA. Have the homeless not suffered enough? If I had to choose between starving or getting food served by these two twats, I gotta say it would be a tough one. THIS IS SOME SOPHIE'S CHOICE SHIT!!!! 

I've never watched The Hills so why do I know who these two are? 

Nevermind

What I said below about how I might have to start watcing CSI? Yeah. Scratch that shit...

From Entertainment Weekly:

Sources confirm to me exclusively that ubiquitous real-life couple Ashlee Simpson-Wentz and Pete Wentz just closed a deal to guest star on CSI. A show spokesperson declined to comment, but I'm told the Wentz' will not be playing themselves in the episode, which is slated to air on March 18. Rather, they will be playing Bonnie and Clyde wannabes.



Barf. Obviously, with these two douches on board the episode will revolve around some kind of heist involving flat irons and eye liner. Or perhaps a murder at the Summer's Eve factory.

Bye Bye Bye

2008 is officially over and now that you've spent the day with your head in the toilet, untagging embarrassing, drunken and incriminating photos your friends have posted of you on facebook and trying to remember just who you made out with after the stroke of midnight and why, let's take a look at a few people and things I hope we never see or hear from again in 2009 shall we?


Miley Cyrus


I long for the halcyon days of 2007 when I had absolutely no idea who this bitch was. Then suddenly, in 2008 like a horrible case of diarrhea that strikes unsuspectingly on the way home from that Indian restaurant, this skank exploded. Her songs were on the radio, she appeared at the Oscars, her concert film made ten billion dollars at the box office, private pictures of her posing like a douche were leaked, controversy swirled after a photos appeared in Vanity Fair that some people deemed risque, she celebrated her 16th birthday at Disneyland, Baba Wawa named her one of her ten most fascinating people of the year, the list goes on. Essentially, 2008 was the year of Miley Cyrus. Bitch was EVERYWHERE and often right by her side, trying to get in on the spotlight and resurrect his long dead career was her creepy frosted tips daddy/pimp Billy Ray. I have nothing but hate for Miley Cyrus and I realize how completely and totally irrational it is, she's never done anything to me personally but there's something about this little twat that makes me batshit crazy, like Britney crazy. Her face makes me want to kick puppies, something about her mouth, it makes me want to feed her a sugar cube and then punch her in the horse teeth. Her voice sounds like she's got a two pack-a-day habit and she comes across as such a personality-free, entitled douche in interviews. I realize she's only 16 and most 16-year-olds are douches with a misplaced sense of entitlement but the fact that this one has more money than I will ever see in my entire life somehow makes my intense hatred seem justified.

Heidi and Spencer



I don't watch The Hills. Frankly I'd rather slam my hand in a car door over and over again before giving birth to a flaming porcupine than watch this 'reality' show about LA idiots and their inane lives, yet somehow I still know who Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag are. Why these two douchebags are famous has to be one of the 21st century's greatest mysteries. The only thing more fake than Heidi's silicone funbags and the stupid show that unleashed these two beasts onto an unsuspecting public is this couple themselves. They're constantly staging these retarded photo ops with paparazzi photographers and why anyone is still taking their picture and paying for said pictures truly boggles my mind. The fact that these two are on television, making talk show appearances and on the covers of magazines must have real, genuine, struggling actors reaching for the razor blades. Heidi appears to have the intelligence of a box of rocks while Spencer is just creepy as hell. Something about him bugs me. He's got 'date rapist' written all over that smug face of his. Heidi and Spencer are clearly one of the signs of the impending apocalypse and the sooner these two fucktards fade away into obscurity, the better off we'll all be. Fuck global warming and the economy, Obama needs to work on obliterating these two as soon as he's sworn in.

Crocs


I don't care how comfortable they are, these shoes are as ridiculous as they are heinous. The only thing more atrocious than these ugly ass shoes are when you see ENTIRE FAMILIES out in public sporting them. Seriously, mom, dad, son, daughter all decked out in the same beastly footwear. I'd rather walk barefoot on broken glass than be caught dead in Crocs.


Lindsay Lohan


Remember when Lindsay Lohan was an actress? I loved Mean Girls, it was a fantastic movie and though I realize the majority of the credit should go to the brilliance of Tina Fey, the movie was a real star vehicle for Lindsay Lohan. But since then, this coke monkey has done virtually everything to fuck it up and with much success. DUI arrests, multiple stays in rehab, showing up for work late and acting unprofessionally, hospital stays for 'exhaustion' have all, and rightfully so, cost Lindsay her rising star status. Now the only thing this twit is known for is dating Samantha Ronson, someone who spins other people's music in a club for a living. The couple is constantly in the celebrity weeklies and gossip sites, they're in love, they're fighting, they're in love, they're fighting. The drama is reminiscent of that annoying couple in high school that was always breaking up and making up to the point where you just want them both to take a break - from life. Most recently, Lindsay and Samantha Ronson, on a flight, home from a New Year's Eve gig in Miami, got into such an over-the-top fight that the flight crew asked Lindsay if she wanted to disembark (hopefully while the plane was in the air) When the lesbian du jour isn't fighting with her girlfriend she's engaging in a myspace war of words with her dysfunctional ex-con father. This all begs the question: if you're a failed actress and failed singer and you have absolutely no projects on the go, why are you still famous?

Parasite Hilton


With the beginning of every new year, I hope beyond hope that this year will FINALLY be the year that we can bid farewell once and for all to this useless, herpes-ridden cum dumpster and her bird beak nose, her cross-country skis feet, her complete and total lack of discernible talents in the fields of singing, acting, dancing or fucking (I've seen the tape) I know every year my hopes are futile, that we have more chance of Tom Cruise developing a taste for vagina than finding a cure for this disease called Parasite Hilton but a girl can dream, right?