Speidi or Staving?

Here's Heidi and Spencer serving pizza to the homeless in LA. Have the homeless not suffered enough? If I had to choose between starving or getting food served by these two twats, I gotta say it would be a tough one. THIS IS SOME SOPHIE'S CHOICE SHIT!!!! 

I've never watched The Hills so why do I know who these two are? 

Daily Male: Paul Walker

At this point it's pretty crystal clear that we're all standing at the threshold of hell. One only needs to look at the box office for proof. Fast and Furious has grossed more than 200 million dollars around the world. Seriously, we're in a recession the likes of which our generation has never seen; people are losing their jobs, savings and homes left, right and centre but we're still finding the money to throw down on cinematic abortions such as these. Excuse me while I climb into this here hand basket for our trip down south. Grab the sunscreen folks, it's mighty hot where we're headed.

In case you're not a member of Mensa and couldn't decipher this by its ever so cryptic title, Fast and Furious is the second sequel to The Fast and The Furious. Yes, some brilliant mind in Hollywood actually thought "Hey let's just take out the word 'the' and we have our title! Done!" Then he pulled down his pants, squatted over a map of North America and took a big steaming shit. And we deserved it. 

Yet another sequel is in the works which I can only presume will be titled Fast Furious. Hey, at least those fuckers are concise.

But as a dear friend pointed out to me, Fast and Furious has at least one thing going for it - eye porn in the form of Paul Walker. Is he a great actor? Fuck no, but he sure is pretty and that's enough to make him today's Daily Male. Instead of shelling out your $12, feast your eyes on this eye candy. And this kind doesn't talk. Even better.....





Howdy partner!


Scruffy. Me likey.


Did you see that joke Into the Blue? It should have been called Into the Blew. Cause it did. I had a free pass to that shit and I still felt raped. The only saving grace was that, for the majority of this mess, Paul Walker was clad only in his swim trunks and his flippy floppies.

Crap Imitating Crap Imitating Crap

Not that we needed it, but here is more evidence the Apocalypse is nigh. If your canned goods and candles aren't already assembled in a box in the basement, I suggest you get your ass on that shit post haste!



So Lauren Conrad, that trick from The Hills who, from as far as I can tell in my limited experience with The Hills (I love myself too much to expose myself to that shit) is basically famous for being young, rich, living in L.A. and starring on a bullshit reality show, is releasing a novel. And you'll never, ever guess what it's about! L.A. Candy (barf) tells the story of a 19-year-old girl who moves to L.A. and unexpectedly becomes the star of her own reality show. Wow, that is some originality right there!



What's even more sick is this will be Lauren's first of three books. Yes, bitch landed a three-book deal with HarperCollins. That sound you just heard was all the struggling novelists of the world bringing their wrists ever so closer to the razor blade.

Instead of reading this trash when it comes out, might I suggest you pick up The Prairie Bridesmaid?



This book was recently sent to me by my dear friend Tannis, not only because she knew I would enjoy it but because she figured it would inspire me to get off my lazy ass and get going own novel. The Prairie Bridesmaid was written by her friend, Daria Salamon, a former Winnipeg high school teacher. I suppose you could call it 'chick lit' but don't let that fool you, The Prairie Bridesmaid has depth and is far more intelligent, sarcastic, and honest than most of the "Like, omigod! I loooove shopping!" or "Wah wah wah, why doesn't he just marry me?" bullshit out there marketed to women which, frankly, is derivative at best and insulting at worst. Seriously, I loved the movie The Devil Wears Prada but I can barely get through a Lauren Weisberger novel. I had to put down Chasing Harry Winston before my eyes permanently rolled into the back of my head.

So instead of helping some rich L.A. twat get richer, pick up The Prairie Bridesmaid and support a Canadian female author whilst saving your brain cells. BECAUSE I SAID SO!! I'm probably not going to have children so I need to find other instances in which to use that wondrous phrase.

Bye Bye Bye

2008 is officially over and now that you've spent the day with your head in the toilet, untagging embarrassing, drunken and incriminating photos your friends have posted of you on facebook and trying to remember just who you made out with after the stroke of midnight and why, let's take a look at a few people and things I hope we never see or hear from again in 2009 shall we?


Miley Cyrus


I long for the halcyon days of 2007 when I had absolutely no idea who this bitch was. Then suddenly, in 2008 like a horrible case of diarrhea that strikes unsuspectingly on the way home from that Indian restaurant, this skank exploded. Her songs were on the radio, she appeared at the Oscars, her concert film made ten billion dollars at the box office, private pictures of her posing like a douche were leaked, controversy swirled after a photos appeared in Vanity Fair that some people deemed risque, she celebrated her 16th birthday at Disneyland, Baba Wawa named her one of her ten most fascinating people of the year, the list goes on. Essentially, 2008 was the year of Miley Cyrus. Bitch was EVERYWHERE and often right by her side, trying to get in on the spotlight and resurrect his long dead career was her creepy frosted tips daddy/pimp Billy Ray. I have nothing but hate for Miley Cyrus and I realize how completely and totally irrational it is, she's never done anything to me personally but there's something about this little twat that makes me batshit crazy, like Britney crazy. Her face makes me want to kick puppies, something about her mouth, it makes me want to feed her a sugar cube and then punch her in the horse teeth. Her voice sounds like she's got a two pack-a-day habit and she comes across as such a personality-free, entitled douche in interviews. I realize she's only 16 and most 16-year-olds are douches with a misplaced sense of entitlement but the fact that this one has more money than I will ever see in my entire life somehow makes my intense hatred seem justified.

Heidi and Spencer



I don't watch The Hills. Frankly I'd rather slam my hand in a car door over and over again before giving birth to a flaming porcupine than watch this 'reality' show about LA idiots and their inane lives, yet somehow I still know who Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag are. Why these two douchebags are famous has to be one of the 21st century's greatest mysteries. The only thing more fake than Heidi's silicone funbags and the stupid show that unleashed these two beasts onto an unsuspecting public is this couple themselves. They're constantly staging these retarded photo ops with paparazzi photographers and why anyone is still taking their picture and paying for said pictures truly boggles my mind. The fact that these two are on television, making talk show appearances and on the covers of magazines must have real, genuine, struggling actors reaching for the razor blades. Heidi appears to have the intelligence of a box of rocks while Spencer is just creepy as hell. Something about him bugs me. He's got 'date rapist' written all over that smug face of his. Heidi and Spencer are clearly one of the signs of the impending apocalypse and the sooner these two fucktards fade away into obscurity, the better off we'll all be. Fuck global warming and the economy, Obama needs to work on obliterating these two as soon as he's sworn in.

Crocs


I don't care how comfortable they are, these shoes are as ridiculous as they are heinous. The only thing more atrocious than these ugly ass shoes are when you see ENTIRE FAMILIES out in public sporting them. Seriously, mom, dad, son, daughter all decked out in the same beastly footwear. I'd rather walk barefoot on broken glass than be caught dead in Crocs.


Lindsay Lohan


Remember when Lindsay Lohan was an actress? I loved Mean Girls, it was a fantastic movie and though I realize the majority of the credit should go to the brilliance of Tina Fey, the movie was a real star vehicle for Lindsay Lohan. But since then, this coke monkey has done virtually everything to fuck it up and with much success. DUI arrests, multiple stays in rehab, showing up for work late and acting unprofessionally, hospital stays for 'exhaustion' have all, and rightfully so, cost Lindsay her rising star status. Now the only thing this twit is known for is dating Samantha Ronson, someone who spins other people's music in a club for a living. The couple is constantly in the celebrity weeklies and gossip sites, they're in love, they're fighting, they're in love, they're fighting. The drama is reminiscent of that annoying couple in high school that was always breaking up and making up to the point where you just want them both to take a break - from life. Most recently, Lindsay and Samantha Ronson, on a flight, home from a New Year's Eve gig in Miami, got into such an over-the-top fight that the flight crew asked Lindsay if she wanted to disembark (hopefully while the plane was in the air) When the lesbian du jour isn't fighting with her girlfriend she's engaging in a myspace war of words with her dysfunctional ex-con father. This all begs the question: if you're a failed actress and failed singer and you have absolutely no projects on the go, why are you still famous?

Parasite Hilton


With the beginning of every new year, I hope beyond hope that this year will FINALLY be the year that we can bid farewell once and for all to this useless, herpes-ridden cum dumpster and her bird beak nose, her cross-country skis feet, her complete and total lack of discernible talents in the fields of singing, acting, dancing or fucking (I've seen the tape) I know every year my hopes are futile, that we have more chance of Tom Cruise developing a taste for vagina than finding a cure for this disease called Parasite Hilton but a girl can dream, right?