Namasdouche

Check out this famewhore douchebag doing yoga. He's praying for another 15 minutes.

Where's the bedazzled tiger, Jon? Doesn't Ed Hardy make yoga gear yet?

DO NOT EAT TURKEY DINNER AT THEIR HOUSE!

This is Jennifer Aniston on the New York set of her latest movie The Baster in which she plays a woman so desperate to have a baby that she gets artificially inseminated, only to discover the donor sperm came from her best friend, played by Jason Bateman. Hilarity likely does not ensue. Barf. I don't even think the hotness of Jason Bateman would be enough to lure my ass into the theatre for this shit. I would let Jason Bateman impregnate me but it would have to be the old-fashioned way, none of this turkey bastin' bullshit.

Anyway, life is imitating art somewhat with a recent case involving a lesbian couple in Pittsfield, Massachusetts. Some bitch named Stephanie rolled home drunk one day, pinned her wife Jennifer on the couch and attacked her with a turkey baster filled with semen in an attempt to impregnate her. I am actually laughing out loud as I type this. It's crazy stories like this that make life worth living during those dark days, ya know? But wait, the crazy gets turned up to eleven - the baby batter in the baster came from the drunk bitch's brother. Ewwww. I'm an only child (aka spoiled brat) so I can't speak to the delicate intricacies of a sister/brother relationship but I'm pretty sure 'Hello brother, will you please jizz into this here turkey baster so I can forcibly impregnate my partner,' is not a sentence that should be exchanged between siblings. Anyway, Jennifer managed to escape Stephanie's drunk clutches and the baster of her brother's batter and lock herself in the bathroom only to have Stephanie break down the door (Cool! I've always wanted to break down a door Law & Order-style) Stephanie was obviously not to be messed with and pretty passionate about basting that bitch.

Police were called, they arrested Stephanie's crazy ass and siezed a container of her brother's man juices. Ewwwww. Jennifer did not press charges against Stephanie and the two are still together. Epic.

It's great these crazies were able to work it out but if you're friends with this couple, I'd strongly advice against eating a turkey dinner at their place ever again. Ever.

I'll Take Whores for $500, Alex

Answer: 5
Question: How many STDs does Pamela Anderson have?

Spit it and I won't hit it

If I ruled the world (which is something I think about often) after making it mandatory for Justin Timberlake to sexually service me on a daily basis, my second order of business would be outlawing spitting.

Seriously, I hate spitters. Hate. How many times have you been walking down street and someone just horks one out right there on the sidewalk? Are you as disgusted by this as I am? Often, when someone spits near me, I'll say (in my 'outside voice' and full of contempt) "That's attractive." If someone I was dating spit while we were out and about, I would quit that shit right there. Spitting is a dealbreaker like smoking, or listening to Nickelback. Ew. Major ladybone killers.

If I was the HBIC (head bitch in charge) of Earth, I would make spitting a serious crime, like right up there with murder, rape and wearing Crocs. The first offense would be handled Singapore-style with a public caning. Second offense would result in being tied to a chair for 48 hours listening to Miley Cyrus songs while watching a Danny Bonaduce/Carrot Top ginger porno video. Offense number three would be punishable by death. Three strikes and you're out, bitches.

That said, I realize there are very rare circumstances where spitting is necessary, like in times of extreme congestion where your breathing is severely impaired by some sort of phlegm situation or if you're choking and about to peace out unless you spit out whatever it is on which you're choking. However, irrefutable evidence proving these claims would be required before the spitter in question was found not guilty. If you absolutely had to spit, then I must acquit - to put it Johnny Cochrane-style.

For me, the worst is girls who spit. Seriously. I realize I am not the poster girl for being ladylike, yes I have a horrible potty mouth and yes I was once discovered by a city cop drunk, pantsless and urinating in an alley (shut up, it was like ten years ago and YOU WILL NOT JUDGE ME!!) but I seriously draw the line at spitting. Just gross. Come on ladies, you're better than that!

And besides, every good girl knows it's just common courtesy to swallow.