Friends Off!

Oh Mickey. Why you gotta play me like this? I thought we were friends. I looked past your busted face to see the real you, the dog-dressing, from-the-bottle-swigging, shoe whore you really are and I loved you for it. I thought this was the beginning of a lifelong friendship. I saw us taking vacations together with an obscene amount of luggage and then eventually when we were old and grey, relocating to Miami where we'd live as roommates, sip mint juleps (straight from the bottle, naturally) dress up your dogs and my cats in floral prints and serenade each other 'Thank You For Being a Friend.' I had such high hopes for your Thelma to my Louise. So imagine my heartbreak when I logged onto Perez Hilton today to find this;



My Mickey at Paris Hilton's birthday party over the weekend.
I'm sorry Mickey. It was fun while it lasted but alas, we must go our seperate ways. Some things simply cannot be tolerated. I wish you well.

Spit it and I won't hit it

If I ruled the world (which is something I think about often) after making it mandatory for Justin Timberlake to sexually service me on a daily basis, my second order of business would be outlawing spitting.

Seriously, I hate spitters. Hate. How many times have you been walking down street and someone just horks one out right there on the sidewalk? Are you as disgusted by this as I am? Often, when someone spits near me, I'll say (in my 'outside voice' and full of contempt) "That's attractive." If someone I was dating spit while we were out and about, I would quit that shit right there. Spitting is a dealbreaker like smoking, or listening to Nickelback. Ew. Major ladybone killers.

If I was the HBIC (head bitch in charge) of Earth, I would make spitting a serious crime, like right up there with murder, rape and wearing Crocs. The first offense would be handled Singapore-style with a public caning. Second offense would result in being tied to a chair for 48 hours listening to Miley Cyrus songs while watching a Danny Bonaduce/Carrot Top ginger porno video. Offense number three would be punishable by death. Three strikes and you're out, bitches.

That said, I realize there are very rare circumstances where spitting is necessary, like in times of extreme congestion where your breathing is severely impaired by some sort of phlegm situation or if you're choking and about to peace out unless you spit out whatever it is on which you're choking. However, irrefutable evidence proving these claims would be required before the spitter in question was found not guilty. If you absolutely had to spit, then I must acquit - to put it Johnny Cochrane-style.

For me, the worst is girls who spit. Seriously. I realize I am not the poster girl for being ladylike, yes I have a horrible potty mouth and yes I was once discovered by a city cop drunk, pantsless and urinating in an alley (shut up, it was like ten years ago and YOU WILL NOT JUDGE ME!!) but I seriously draw the line at spitting. Just gross. Come on ladies, you're better than that!

And besides, every good girl knows it's just common courtesy to swallow.