This is The Best Mickey Rourke Has Looked In Years

Around Oscar time earlier this year I was obsessed with all things Mickey Rourke - his mangled mug confused me,  his wardrobe choices intrigued me, his hair frightened me, his devotion to his dogs melted the ice block in my chest that was once my heart. When his beloved Loki died, I felt MickRo's pain and salty liquid fell from my eyes (these are 'tears' I'm told) When Mickey's tragedy was compounded just days later by losing the Oscar to Sean Penn, I too felt the pang of injustice, striking me in my chest like a Bon Jovi-style shot through the heart.  I wanted to protest, to take to the streets, to start some kind of letter-writing campaign, perhaps a 1960's-style sit-in? But then, like most of my obsessions, I got over it and moved on. Until now...

Above is the first shot of MickRo from the set of Iron Man 2. Look how glorious he looks! The Mickster plays Whiplash, an adversary of Tony Stark, played of course by the getting hotter with age hotness that is Robert Downey Jr. Iron Man 2 opens May 7th 2010. RDJ and Mickey Rourke in one film? It may prove to be too much.

Mickey Makes it Better

After today's sad shenanigans (sadnanigans?) involving Ike and Tina 2; Electric Boogaloo (read below) I needed something to make me happy again. And lo and behold, I found this new picture of my BFF Mickey Rourke. Mickey makes it better. Mickey is my rainbow-coloured unicorn in this dark, grey world.



This is quite the ensemble MickRo is sporting here. Grey sweatsuit, trucker hat, metallic silver shoes, turquoise gloves, iridescent jacket, all accessorized with about 17 scarves. What's missing from this scene? A shopping cart. Mick looks like that homeless old lady who smells of cat urine who accosts you outside of Starbucks asking for change. When you say you can't spare any, she calls you a whore and makes you feel guilty for having just dropped $5 on a Triple Grande, Half-Sweet, Non-Fat, No-Foam, Extra-Hot Hazlenut Latte. I actually prefer that to when the homeless people politely say "Okay, thanks anyway then, have a good night." I always feel like such an asshole when they're nice. At least tell me that Jesus Christ will smite me!

Anyway, back on topic. This picture is just what I needed today. I was starting to get the shakes and cold chills from my Mickey Rourke withdrawal.

You Can Be My Hero, Mickey

With the frenzy of Oscar season officially winding down, I am starting to go through Mickey Rourke withdrawal. I have the shakes, I'm irritable, I'm covered in sweat one moment, then suffering chills the next and nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling. Is there some kind of Mickey Rourke methadone clinic into which my ass can check?

I was having a particular rough day today when a text from my friend Tara offered me my fix. Tara reminded me that My Mickey is in the video for the Enrique Iglesias song, Hero. I had totally forgotten!



Mickey's mangled mug makes its glorious debut at the 1:30 mark. Then, at the 3:18 mark, Enrique has the audacity and misplaced testicular fortitude to slug Mickey! WTF? Crazy! Clearly, Enrique is unaware of Mickey's four years of professional boxing! Sure, it left him with a busted face that only a mother and a dirty blonde could love but it also left him with a pretty fucking powerful punch. And young Iglesias learned that pretty quickly. Enrique didn't have that mole of his surgically-removed, Mickey punched that thing right off his face!



Copy and paste this shit below to watch Mickey's magical performance, it almost makes up for the fact that Jennifer Love Hewitt is also in the video;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=klWluYoa0_8

Hey Mickey You WERE so Fine, You WERE so Fine it Blows My Mind.

Ah, Mickey and Loki, a love affair for the ages, like Bogi and Bacall, Tracy and Hepburn before them. One single tear slides down my face....

As has been well-documented, I'm obsessed with everything Mickey Rourke. I want to be friends with his crazy ass and busted face and I'm not even being facetious. I know Mickey and I will have some pretty legendary adventures together that would likely involve an arrest, burying a body or doctering fake passports, or possibly all three, and that that's just in one night. But now that the hoopla of the Oscars has died down, I am worried I'm not going to get my regular Mickey fix (until of course we eventually settle in Miami with our respective exquisitely-attired animals, glorious shoe collections and memories of wilder days) I know that Mickey isn't nice to look at, in fact a few years ago my friend Alex and I were in New York covering the Tribeca film festival and we saw some bloated, dishelved, crazy-looking mess of a man and I started screaming "Mickey! Mickey!"

It was not in fact, Mickey Rourke.



You can see how I might have been mistaken.

But as my friend Kyla reminded me yesterday, Mickey hasn't always been busted. In fact, there was a time when, before the years of boxing took its toll on his mug, before the ghetto plastic surgery to fix said toll, when the Mickster was, if you can believe it, considered a hearthrob. I know bile just rose up into your throat, swallow it down and check out some Mickey Rourke of yesteryear. Hard to believe it's even the same person.







I have to admit I'd probably want to get with old school Mikey, he was quite a piece. But in all honesty, I prefer the busted, crazy, swigging-champs-from-the-bottle, sexually-harrassing, dog-loving, wacko Mickey. He seems like fun.




New York magazine appears equally fascinated with My Mickey as the fine folks there have compiled a photo slideshow called "Mickey Rourke's Face; A History" Cut and paste this shit below;

http://nymag.com/daily/entertainment/2008/12/mickey_rourkes_face_a_history.html#photo=2

MICKEY ROURKE



Check out my BFF Mickey Rourke in this ensemble. I love that he changed his outfit from the ceremony to the after party. Fabulous. If you looked at the tags to see what fabric his clothes were made of, I'd bet it would say 100% Awesome. Dry Clean Only. Did you know he had special Oscar attire made for Loki before her tragic passing? Unbelievable. Could you imagine partying with this dude? I imagine it would involve an arrest, waking up in another town next to a corpse and crying.



You can make nicey nice with MickRo all you want Sean, the ghost of Loki is still comin' for ya.

NOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love Sean Penn, he's a great actor but when my best friend Mickey Rourke lost the best actor Oscar, I just about flipped over my friend's coffee table in a Hulk-style rage that would have made Christian Bale say "bitch, calm the fuck down!" My Mickey, who was sporting a Loki locket around his neck in honour of his dearly departed, was robbed and so were we, robbed of what could have been the most legendarily awesome Oscar acceptance speech ever. This is a level of injustice not seen since the Holocaust, Apartheid and the premature cancelation of Arrested Development.

You know Loki was rolling over in her grave over this shit. She's going to spend eternity haunting Sean Penn's ass. Penn gave a shout out to MickRo in his acceptance speech but it wasn't enough to stave off the Wrath Of Loki.



Good luck, Sean. You thought being married to Madonna was difficult? You ain't seen nothin' yet.

Reunited And It Feels So Good

It's Oscar day! And just in time for the big event my former BFF Mickey Rourke and I have rekindled our friendship. We were friends off after Mickey lowered himself into the gutter (probably not a far trip) and hung out with Paris Hilton. I was devastated to say the least. However, WE'RE BACK BABY!!!! And we're stronger than ever. So what brought us together again?



Last night MickRo won best actor at the Independent Spirit Awards and his acceptance speech was pretty much the best thing to come out of anyone's mouth. Ever. In addition to dedicating the award to his dearly departed beloved Loki, Mickey dropped his fair share of F bombs and dirtied up the place like only he could. As a fellow potty mouth, I was powerless to resist his charms. My favourite part of the speech? When Mickey was thanking the wrestling community for supporting the film even though it exposed some of the not-so-nice parts of the 'sport.' Mick had this to say;

"We exposed some issues in this film like the steroids, the cocaine, the banging the girl in the ass in the bathroom, you know shit like that does happen, these guys are on the road a lot and they get lonely."


Seriously? Talking about someone banging someone in the ass in an acceptance speech? I've never been more proud than I was at the moment I watched his speech. Until tonight of course when my MickRo wins the Oscar. I can only imagine the gold that will spill from his busted mouth. Cannot wait!

Copy and paste this shit to watch his Independent Spirit speech.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H-VAz-4x9hc&eurl=http://dlisted.com/

Here's Mickey getting some manlove on the red carpet.

Mickey Flies Solo

This is my former BFF Mickey Rourke arriving at LAX today in time for all the Oscar festivities. Nice cowboy hat, Mick. I have five of my own. I know he'd appreciate that.

You can't see it in this photo but Mickey has 43 bags of shoes weighing 80 pounds in total with him. Mickey hasn't yet chosen his Oscar attire and he wants to keep his footwear options open. I can relate. It's thinking like this that brought Mickey and I together in the first place but alas, our friendship was unceremoniously cut short when he stepped out with Herpes Hilton, that's actually the name of Paris Hilton's vagina, that's where herpes has a permanent suite. Valtrex is on the room service menu.

Anyway, it must feel so weird for Mickey to be traveling without his constant companion, Loki. What an emotional rollercoaster-y time this must be for Mickey, to be favoured to win an Oscar and mourning the love of his life at the same time. This is like when Barack Obama's grandmother peaced out just before he won the election. If only Loki could have stuck around another week. But Mickey knew it was selfish to ask Loki to hold on so he had to put his love for Loki ahead of his own desire to have her there for his big moment and let her go. If Mickey wins the Oscar, you just know he's going to honour Loki in a touching acceptance speech. And because I'll be eight glasses of wine into the evening, salty drops will fall from my eyes.

Speaking of my two guys, Mickey and Oscar, my friend Susan sent me this card in honour of the awards and my obsession with MickRo.

Paris Hilton Killed Mickey's Dog

Grab your 40 and pour some of that shit on the sidewalk for little Loki today. Mickey Rourke's beloved pooch is now humping legs in the big dog kennel in the sky. Bitch is dead. Loki peaced outta here on Monday at the ripe old age of 18. THIS IS SOME MARLEY AND ME SHIT!!!


Who is Mickey going to take to the Oscars now????

Hmm....MickRo is partying with Paris Hilton on the weekend and on Monday, the love of his life is dead. The cause of death probably wasn't old age, I think canine herpes claimed Loki. Somebody get Detectives Benson and Stabler from Law & Order: SVU on the case!!!

See? This is what happens when you fraternize with Paris Hilton. I'd say I told ya so to my former best friend but Mickey is down and out in Beverly Hills right now and I can't rub his busted face in it, it would be 'UnSouthern' of me. Mickey needs time to mourn. Maybe this tragedy is what was needed to bring us back together? Maybe we will settle in Miami after all? So many unanswered questions right now. In the meantime, a moment of silence for lil Loki....



Loki Rourke.
1991 - 2009

Friends Off!

Oh Mickey. Why you gotta play me like this? I thought we were friends. I looked past your busted face to see the real you, the dog-dressing, from-the-bottle-swigging, shoe whore you really are and I loved you for it. I thought this was the beginning of a lifelong friendship. I saw us taking vacations together with an obscene amount of luggage and then eventually when we were old and grey, relocating to Miami where we'd live as roommates, sip mint juleps (straight from the bottle, naturally) dress up your dogs and my cats in floral prints and serenade each other 'Thank You For Being a Friend.' I had such high hopes for your Thelma to my Louise. So imagine my heartbreak when I logged onto Perez Hilton today to find this;



My Mickey at Paris Hilton's birthday party over the weekend.
I'm sorry Mickey. It was fun while it lasted but alas, we must go our seperate ways. Some things simply cannot be tolerated. I wish you well.

My New BFF?

Yes, Mickey Rourke frightens the fuck out of me. Sure, just looking at his busted face makes these salty drops apparently called 'tears' fall out of my eyes but every day I am faced with mounting evidence that Mick and I would probably be pretty damn good friends. For reals, yo.

First there was this photo of him sucking back the champs right from of the bottle at the BAFTA awards.


Mickey doesn't fuck around, he wants that champers in his mouth and he wants it in his mouth now. He doesn't have the time nor the inclination to find a glass. We should all be so direct. I've been known to suck back a drink or two straight from the bottle myself. I'm classy like that.

Now comes more proof Mick and I would get along famously. Reports say Mickey caused a bit of a commotion at Heathrow Airport recently. Why? Because his luggage was overweight - with shoes! I hope those beautiful gold bitches below were included...



Apparently MickRo had 36kg of shoes. I'm dumb in the brains when it comes to math so I looked that up on the internets and found that's nearly 80 pounds! Traveling with 80 pounds of shoes? As someone who once caught flack for hauling a 'shoe bag' (suitcase filled entirely with footwear) to Mexico, I respect this shit! Apparently Mickey had to redistribute his shit before his ass could check the luggage.

I am a chronic overpacker. I realize how ridiculous and draining it is but I cannot help it. And I know Mickey and I are not alone. My girlfriend Alex and I once traveled from Nice, France to Rome and people were actually gawking in disgust at our luggage at the Nice airport. Most people were checking a single backpack. Not us. We had two suitcases each plus carry-on. Our overweight luggage charges were actually more than the flight itself. In our defense we had just spent ten days working at the Cannes Film Festival but in all honesty, I probably would have overpacked that shit regardless. I often pack upwards of three outfits for each day that I'll be away. It's not that I wear three outfits a day (although I have done that, too) it's that what I wear is often determined with what kind of mood I'm in. By packing only one outfit a day, I'm severely limiting my choices, what if I'm not in the mood for that particular outfit? Then I have no choice. In issues of wardrobe and dressing, I hold the same beliefs I do for reproduction, I'm pro-choice. Also, I don't always know what it is I'll be up to when I'm away. I might stay in and have a games night with friends or I could hit a club or I could go out for a nice dinner. Each of these options requires a different style of dress as well as the corresponding accessories, handbags and footwear. I know Mickey not only understands this, he practices it as well. I think Mickey and I would be great friends although traveling together would be a nightmare for everyone around us.

On a sidenote, can I just say that if I die tomorrow, I want to come back to life as Mickey's dog...






This little bitch not only got a shout out in his Golden Globe acceptance speech, she has several outfits, gets to travel AND walk red carpets? In that last picture it looks like she has her own bodyguard. This bitch is living the life!

M-I-C-K-E-Y -B-O-O-Z-E

Mickey Rourke frightens me. He comes to me in my nightmares and threatens to drain my blood before skinning my cats alive and wearing my underwear. I'm frightened of Mickey Rourke. But when I look at this picture of his busted face with his BAFTA award in one hand while swigging booze directly from the bottle with the other, I'm not gonna lie, it kinda makes me want to be friends with him. Methinks me and Mickey might get along just fine.