Wouldn't You Just Love to Carve This Up?

And the pumpkin, too. I guess.

Dancing Ostrich

Look kids, it's a dancing bird! Dontcha just love the zoo?

Here's Paris Hilton dancing on a table at some nightclub. Have you ever seen this trick dance? Bitch seriously has no moves, all gangly arms and legs flailing about. She tries to make herself look sexy but she always looks completely and utterly ridic.

You know how some people think how one dances is an indication of the skill set he/she will bring to the bedroom? Not sure if that's always 100% the truth but in the case of this whore, I'd say it's a bang on theory. I mean, you've seen her sex tape right? Lame!

On a different note, this bulimic bird is almost 30 years old. Dancing on tables has an expiration date, no? I'm immature as fuck and even I know that. Paris will not age well. Mark my words.

Guess Which Product These Ads Make Me NOT Want To Buy?

Here are some shots from the Guess spring/summer '09 campaign.

I didn't know Guess was now selling nasty blonde Fraggle hair and herpes. Wow, they're really diversifying their product line.

That poor dog in that first pic, situated right near Parisite's cavernous vagina like that. Someone call PETA before he is sucked into the abyss. His expression says it all, right? Poor thing is like "fuck my life."

Speaking of, have you been to that site?  http://www.fmylife.com/

Douchechella

The Coachella Music Festival went down in California this weekend and while it would have been awesome to check out acts like The Killers, Franz Ferdinand, Lupe Fiasco, Leonard Cohen, M.I.A, TV on the Radio and others, one has to wonder if it would have been worth the risk of placing oneself in the proximity of such rampant douchebaggery....

Please tell me someone soaked that cigggie in gasoline right before this...

That woman is mighty brave kissing The Hoff like that. This must be before he downed a bottle of vodka and inevitable burger barf bonanza...

Jared Leto? Hi. Yeah, uhm... Joaquin Phoenix called, he wants his beard back...

Do.Not.Want.

Look at this trick with her weave fashioned into a bow like she's some kind of fucking gift.  

A gift that, unfortunately, will NOT stop giving. Like herpes, an affliction with which Parisite Hilton is allegedly, VERY familiar.

Somebody better have saved the receipt for this shit!

Ob-La-Di Ob-La-Da

Here's this used up cum dumpster looking like a futuristic hooker sent to Earth by aliens to infect the world with the herp, one ususpecting dude at a time, at some party for designer Charlotte Ronson. Paris is desperately trying to make a sexy face but to me, trick looks like a clearance rack blowup doll with down syndrome who recently suffered a stroke. StrokeFace is not sexy.

Paris' acting career hasn't exactly been the stuff of Oscars and Emmys but I think if they ever want to make a followup to Life Goes On, we have our female lead right here. She would be a natural. Even Corky Thatcher himself is like 'this bitch looks retarded.'

Mickey Flies Solo

This is my former BFF Mickey Rourke arriving at LAX today in time for all the Oscar festivities. Nice cowboy hat, Mick. I have five of my own. I know he'd appreciate that.

You can't see it in this photo but Mickey has 43 bags of shoes weighing 80 pounds in total with him. Mickey hasn't yet chosen his Oscar attire and he wants to keep his footwear options open. I can relate. It's thinking like this that brought Mickey and I together in the first place but alas, our friendship was unceremoniously cut short when he stepped out with Herpes Hilton, that's actually the name of Paris Hilton's vagina, that's where herpes has a permanent suite. Valtrex is on the room service menu.

Anyway, it must feel so weird for Mickey to be traveling without his constant companion, Loki. What an emotional rollercoaster-y time this must be for Mickey, to be favoured to win an Oscar and mourning the love of his life at the same time. This is like when Barack Obama's grandmother peaced out just before he won the election. If only Loki could have stuck around another week. But Mickey knew it was selfish to ask Loki to hold on so he had to put his love for Loki ahead of his own desire to have her there for his big moment and let her go. If Mickey wins the Oscar, you just know he's going to honour Loki in a touching acceptance speech. And because I'll be eight glasses of wine into the evening, salty drops will fall from my eyes.

Speaking of my two guys, Mickey and Oscar, my friend Susan sent me this card in honour of the awards and my obsession with MickRo.

What People Chose This?

Parisite Hilton at the People's Choice Awards.

Was Valtrex one of the sponsors?
Open your mouth a little more Paris, it's all you're good for and you're not even very good at that.
Yeah I've seen the video.