Mickey Makes it Better

After today's sad shenanigans (sadnanigans?) involving Ike and Tina 2; Electric Boogaloo (read below) I needed something to make me happy again. And lo and behold, I found this new picture of my BFF Mickey Rourke. Mickey makes it better. Mickey is my rainbow-coloured unicorn in this dark, grey world.



This is quite the ensemble MickRo is sporting here. Grey sweatsuit, trucker hat, metallic silver shoes, turquoise gloves, iridescent jacket, all accessorized with about 17 scarves. What's missing from this scene? A shopping cart. Mick looks like that homeless old lady who smells of cat urine who accosts you outside of Starbucks asking for change. When you say you can't spare any, she calls you a whore and makes you feel guilty for having just dropped $5 on a Triple Grande, Half-Sweet, Non-Fat, No-Foam, Extra-Hot Hazlenut Latte. I actually prefer that to when the homeless people politely say "Okay, thanks anyway then, have a good night." I always feel like such an asshole when they're nice. At least tell me that Jesus Christ will smite me!

Anyway, back on topic. This picture is just what I needed today. I was starting to get the shakes and cold chills from my Mickey Rourke withdrawal.

She Needs to Date Joaquin Phoenix

Homelessness is a very real problem in North American society. One that will only get worse as we plunge deeper into this global economic crisis. One only has to look at this photo of this poor, young, homeless girl to put a face to this problem....



Wait. What?

This is Mary Kate Olsen? I see.

Don't you just love it when millionaires who can afford to buy and sell your ass choose to starve themselves and dress like trolls who live under a bridge? Yeah, me neither. Sad thing is you know bitch paid more for this ensemble than you did for your car. THIS IS SOME SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE SHIT!!1!!

I'm Calling Shenanigans on This Bullshit

So you know how Joaquin Phoenix has lost his fucking mind and is dressing like a homeless person with an addiction to sniffing solvents? And you know how he's claiming to have left acting to pursue his career as a rapper, right? Rap and hip hop are all about collaborations these days so I guess MC Hobo can callabo with the mice living in his hair and beard. Some people are saying this shit is a straight up hoax and that instead of being one crack hit away from joining his brother River on the big movie set in the sky, that he's actually fucking with us. I couldn't decide if he had actually lost his shit or if he was Andy Kauffmaning our asses but after his wacked out appearance on Letterman last night, I'm crossing over to the 'bitch please, you're full of shit' side. My Boston boyfriend and Joaquin's brother-in-law, Casey Affleck has been filming this fuckery for a documentary on Joaq's foray into rap. MC Hobo appeared cranked out of his face on Letterman and I can't believe my Casey would be taking part in this if it was legit. My boyfriend is good people. I mean fuck, he's from Boston!

Of course if Joaquin ends up dead in a ditch with a needle in his arm, I'll eat these words. Until then, shenanigans!!

Watch his 'performance' here;
http://www.tmz.com/videos?autoplay=true&mediaKey=da5a6a66-4928-4e88-90a1-e51f1f243a95

Joaquin Phoenix is.....DERELICTE!

Do you remember in the underrated cinematic gem that is Zoolander when Mugatu unveiled his new fashion line called Derelicte?

"Inspired by the very homeless, the vagrants, the crackwhores that make this city so unique."

Methinks Joaquin Phoenix has watched Zoolander recently and taken that shit to heart. This is Joaquin last night at some club in Las Vegas looking more like a bum you'd find on a street corner yelling about Jesus than an Oscar-nominated actor.





"I am the vile spew of the wretched masses. I am very, very dirty. I am.....DERELICTE!"

Joaquin announced late last year that he is finished with acting and instead going to focus on a career in music. This didn't sound too batshit crazy at first, after all he did do all his own singing in Walk the Line. However, when Joaquin elaborated on the plan, explaining he was going to pursue a rap career. Well that, coupled with his disheveled and cracked out appearance as of late helped turned the crazy up to 11.



One of my Boston crushes, Casey Affleck was there last night as well. Casey and Joaquin are good friends, family in fact, Casey is married to Joaquin's sister. Casey is filming this insane downward spiral apparently for a documentary he plans to produce on his brother-in-law's foray into the rap world. I have mad love for Casey and he seems like a pretty normal dude so I can't believe he's not only standing by and watching these shenanigans but also encouraging them! I mean, even Stevie Wonder could see that Joaquin has lost his fucking mind. I am hoping that Casey is really filming this craziness to use as evidence later during an A&E-style intervention hosted by the Phoenix/Affleck familes (Phoenfleck? Affnix?) Casey can refer to the footage he collected while begging Joaquin to get his raggedy ass to rehab STAT! Casey isn't the only one documenting this ridiculousness, look at the others taking pictures of MC Derelicte as he's workin' the mic. You know they're all thinking they need to snap these photos so they can sell them later when Joaquin "Heath Ledgers it" outta here.



If Joaquin doesn't get his shit under control methinks he and his brother River are going to to be reunited sooner rather than later. Sad, because though I can't speak to his rap skillz, he is a very talented actor.

To bleach out your eyes from the hot homeless mess that is now Joaquin Phoenix, here's a shot of him in cleaner, hotter, saner and likely more sober times.