Even Gwyneth Paltrow is Calling Bullshit on These Shenanigans!

At least one more person is calling bullshit on the elaborate Unfrozen Caveman Rapper hoax that is the rap career of Joaquin Phoenix, his recent costar Gwyneth Paltrow. Chris Martin's wifey told MTV UK;

"I think that there might be some other explanation or something going on. I'm not quite sure what, but I can't believe that he's really going to quit forever to become a rapper."


Gwynnie also has some sage advice for Unfrozen Caveman Rapper if he wants to get some cred in the rap world, "Hmm ... maybe to go live in the projects for a few years to get some authenticity, maybe."

I love Gwyneth for calling out Unfrozen Caveman Rapper on this bullshit but have the people of the projects not suffered enough with crime, poverty and other social ills? Do they need a tsunami of douchebaggery on their plate as well?

Unfrozen Caveman Rapper

MC Hobo has crawled out of his ditch for some more derelicte douchebaggery in Miami.

Actor-turned-fake homeless rapper Joaquin Phoenix took to the stage at some club in the city of Blanche Devereaux last night for another episode of his elaborate hoax. JoaqPho turned it up a notch by involving a member of the audience in his performance art this time. Why do I suspect this 'member of the audience' is a little-known Phoenix or Affleck cousin? It's a good thing Dorothy Zbornak was at the Rusty Anchor with Blanche last night because if she was there, she would not stand for these shenanigans. Dorothy does not have time for this shit.

Anyway, last night's script called for Joaquin to call out some dude for allegedly heckling him and then leap off the stage and lunge for the guy but not before Joaquin called him out saying "Bitch, this is a $3,000 fucking suit!" How very GOB of him! He really needed to finish that sentence with "Come on!!" Next time Joaquin, next time. Thankfully, while Joaquin was engaging in alleged fisticuffs with his 'heckler' the mice that reside in his beard crawled out and took over the mic to keep the audience entertained. Of course, my Boston boyfriend Casey Affleck was there filming all this clusterfuckery for their 'documentary.'

A member of the audience had this to say about Joaquin's derelicte look to Us Weekly;

"He looks like he needs a shower. Is he doing a Geico commercial? He looks like a fancy caveman!"

I love when people say 'fancy!' Please tell me someone else remembers that super old SNL sketch with Phil Hartman, Unfrozen Caveman Laywer?????



Joaquin Phoenix is Unfrozen Caveman Rapper.



This is a youtube link to last night's Andy Kaufman-style bullshit;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tvob6h0Vg-Q

Ben Stiller Channels MC Hobo

I just about choked on my wine when Ben Stiller strolled on stage dressed like Joaquin Phoenix from his 'performance' on Letterman. Upon further reflection, it made perfect sense because Joaquin Phoenix has been looking like the face of the Derelicte campaign lately. Seriously I could not stop laughing during this. When Natalie Portman told him he looked like he worked at a Hasidic Meth Lab, I lost my shit.

It remains to be seen whether former actor and current homeless rapper Joaquin Phoenix is just fucking with us or if he's truly lost his mind. I guess if Joaquin is found dead in a ditch of a drug overdose or has his face eaten off by the mice living in his beard, Ben Stiller might feel bad about this but until then - hilarious!

Daily Male: Joaquin Phoenix (of yesteryear)

This week everyone was talking about Joaquin's appearance on David Letterman. Whether Joaquin has actually descended into cracked out madness or whether he's pulling some 'performance art' bullshit remains to be seen (I think it's the latter) but one thing is for sure: Joaquin looks like a hot hobo mess. Seriously that's the ugliest beard since Liza Minelli. I bet he smells like cigarettes, booze, cat urine and regret. But it wasn't always this way, Joaquin used to be a hot piece. So, let's erase the images of the homeless disast he is now and go back in time, shall we? Joaquin Phoenix of yesteryear is today's Daily Male.





Remember when Joaquin and Liv Tyler were a couple?





Remember Joaquin from Parenthood? His ass went by Leaf Phoenix back then. Adorable.

I'm Calling Shenanigans on This Bullshit

So you know how Joaquin Phoenix has lost his fucking mind and is dressing like a homeless person with an addiction to sniffing solvents? And you know how he's claiming to have left acting to pursue his career as a rapper, right? Rap and hip hop are all about collaborations these days so I guess MC Hobo can callabo with the mice living in his hair and beard. Some people are saying this shit is a straight up hoax and that instead of being one crack hit away from joining his brother River on the big movie set in the sky, that he's actually fucking with us. I couldn't decide if he had actually lost his shit or if he was Andy Kauffmaning our asses but after his wacked out appearance on Letterman last night, I'm crossing over to the 'bitch please, you're full of shit' side. My Boston boyfriend and Joaquin's brother-in-law, Casey Affleck has been filming this fuckery for a documentary on Joaq's foray into rap. MC Hobo appeared cranked out of his face on Letterman and I can't believe my Casey would be taking part in this if it was legit. My boyfriend is good people. I mean fuck, he's from Boston!

Of course if Joaquin ends up dead in a ditch with a needle in his arm, I'll eat these words. Until then, shenanigans!!

Watch his 'performance' here;
http://www.tmz.com/videos?autoplay=true&mediaKey=da5a6a66-4928-4e88-90a1-e51f1f243a95

DAMN!!!! THIS IS SOME ANDY KAUFMAN SHIT!!1!!!

So you know how Joaquin Phoenix has lost his fucking mind and decided to quit acting to pursue a new career as a rapper? And you know how his brother-in-law, the Boston hotness that is Casey Affleck is documenting all this fuckery for a so-called documentary profiling Joaquin's foray into rap/descent into madness? Remember know how he performed his raps in Vegas looking like a homeless mess and fell off the stage? (half-assed if you ask me, my friend Robyn fell off a stage in Cabo and broke her face, that's commitment)




Anyway, it seems these dudes may be in cahoots and pulling some Andy Kaufman-style shenanigans on our asses. In short, they are fucking with us. Apparently some friends of Joaquin say that like Transformers, there's more than meets the eye about this rap business. A source who claims to know Joaquin told Entertainment Weekly that Joaquin told him 'It's a put-on. I'm going to pretend to have a meltdown and change careers, and Casey is going to film it.'"

Entertainment Weekly says Joaquin's intent is to "lampoon pompous actors and punk the media that covers them."

Hmm...doesn't putting so much effort into this elaborate ruse to skew pompous actors and teach the media a lesson, actually make Joaquin one of the pompous actors he's targeting? Ugh. I hate these 'I'm far superior to you now let me show you why with this artsy vanity bullshit project of mine that you won't understand because you're clearly beneath me' Hollywood douchebags. I liked this batshit trickery much better when I thought Joaquin hopped aboard the crazy train and was on the fast track to the big pharmacy in the sky and Casey was filming this shit for the inevitable intervention. I'm still holding out hope.

Joaquin Phoenix is.....DERELICTE!

Do you remember in the underrated cinematic gem that is Zoolander when Mugatu unveiled his new fashion line called Derelicte?

"Inspired by the very homeless, the vagrants, the crackwhores that make this city so unique."

Methinks Joaquin Phoenix has watched Zoolander recently and taken that shit to heart. This is Joaquin last night at some club in Las Vegas looking more like a bum you'd find on a street corner yelling about Jesus than an Oscar-nominated actor.





"I am the vile spew of the wretched masses. I am very, very dirty. I am.....DERELICTE!"

Joaquin announced late last year that he is finished with acting and instead going to focus on a career in music. This didn't sound too batshit crazy at first, after all he did do all his own singing in Walk the Line. However, when Joaquin elaborated on the plan, explaining he was going to pursue a rap career. Well that, coupled with his disheveled and cracked out appearance as of late helped turned the crazy up to 11.



One of my Boston crushes, Casey Affleck was there last night as well. Casey and Joaquin are good friends, family in fact, Casey is married to Joaquin's sister. Casey is filming this insane downward spiral apparently for a documentary he plans to produce on his brother-in-law's foray into the rap world. I have mad love for Casey and he seems like a pretty normal dude so I can't believe he's not only standing by and watching these shenanigans but also encouraging them! I mean, even Stevie Wonder could see that Joaquin has lost his fucking mind. I am hoping that Casey is really filming this craziness to use as evidence later during an A&E-style intervention hosted by the Phoenix/Affleck familes (Phoenfleck? Affnix?) Casey can refer to the footage he collected while begging Joaquin to get his raggedy ass to rehab STAT! Casey isn't the only one documenting this ridiculousness, look at the others taking pictures of MC Derelicte as he's workin' the mic. You know they're all thinking they need to snap these photos so they can sell them later when Joaquin "Heath Ledgers it" outta here.



If Joaquin doesn't get his shit under control methinks he and his brother River are going to to be reunited sooner rather than later. Sad, because though I can't speak to his rap skillz, he is a very talented actor.

To bleach out your eyes from the hot homeless mess that is now Joaquin Phoenix, here's a shot of him in cleaner, hotter, saner and likely more sober times.