Pete Wentz LOLing Over Breakup Rumours

Pocket Rocker Pete Wentz is denying claims his marriage to Ashlee Simpson is in the toilet. Pocket Pete told some reporter at the Kids Choice Awards "I laugh at all of that stuff. ... It's just not true." Phew! Imagine the custody battle that would have ensued? It would have been a battle royale not seen since the likes of Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger. Except these two would not be brawling over their baby, the unfortunately-named Bronx Mowgli, they would be cage-fighting over custody of the flat iron.

Ashlee and Pocket Pete recently made out on stage at the MTV Australia awards and Pete told the crowd "sorry, we haven't seen each other in a while....we're going to go and find some quiet time and fornicate somewhere."

Now if you'll excuse me, I must go bathe in bleach. Between that imagery and the ShamWow hooker beatdown story, I feel very, very dirty. And not in the good way.

Denim Tuxedouche

Here's Pocket Rocker Pete Wentz at last night's Kids Choice Awards. That flat iron of his never gets the night off, does it?

Ashlee & Pete With Their BMW

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz with their unfortunate-named spawn, Bronx Mowgli Wentz. Little Bronx is already almost as tall as his dad. He will be getting his very own flat iron for his first birthday. Everyone in that house needs their own.

Fuck Joey, What the Hell is On YOUR Head, Chad?

Chad Kroeger, his new bob and some other dude from Nickelback were on The Hour last night. For the love of all that is holy, someone take away this man's flatiron!

I've never met anyone who actually likes Nickelback. Never. But obviously some people have been straight up lying to my ass because somebody keeps buying their fucking albums. Seriously, who are you? Do you not notice they keep putting out the same song over and over again? Let me channel Mugatu from Zoolander when I scream 'PHOTOGRAPH?' 'HOW YOU REMIND ME?' 'ROCKSTAR?' THEY'RE THE SAME SONG!!!!

Anyway, I don't know what the hell the point of this post was, I guess just to say that Chad's hair is really fucking bad. Worse than that curly mess it usually is. Chad? Cameron Diaz circa 1998 called, she wants her look back...



...She also wants you to stop making douche jams. Well, that last part was me.

Nevermind

What I said below about how I might have to start watcing CSI? Yeah. Scratch that shit...

From Entertainment Weekly:

Sources confirm to me exclusively that ubiquitous real-life couple Ashlee Simpson-Wentz and Pete Wentz just closed a deal to guest star on CSI. A show spokesperson declined to comment, but I'm told the Wentz' will not be playing themselves in the episode, which is slated to air on March 18. Rather, they will be playing Bonnie and Clyde wannabes.



Barf. Obviously, with these two douches on board the episode will revolve around some kind of heist involving flat irons and eye liner. Or perhaps a murder at the Summer's Eve factory.