To Pull Out or Not to Pull Out, That is The Question

Here's Jude Law returning to his theatre roots on the Broadway stage. 2004's Sexiest Man Alive is currently playing Hamlet. Because Jude Law is so pretty and looks smokin' in a pair of skinnies, it's easy to forget this bloke can actually act.

Jude's working hard for the money, starring in eight productions a week of this three-hour play until early December and his performances are getting mostly favourable reviews from critics. This is good news for Jude since he now has another mouth to feed.

You've probably heard how Jude bumped unprotected uglies in what was allegedly a one-night-stand with this trick above named Samantha Burke. Nine months later, Sam popped out a bouncing baby paycheck. In true Maury Povich-style, Jude demanded a paternity test which determined he was in fact, the father of the baby girl.

Now normally I'd advise anyone who gets knocked up after a one-night stand to make an appointment to have the problem 'taken care of.' But cases like this are the exception. I don't begrudge this lady one bit for carrying that kid to term, she was harvesting at least 18 years of regular monthly payments in that womb of hers! If I got knocked up by someone with a fat ass bank account like Jude's? Shit I'd be on bed rest the entire nine months to make sure nothing happened to my little cash cow, especially in these harsh times of economic uncertainty. You gotta diversify how you make money if you're gonna survive this shit! I raise a glass in your honour Sam, well done!

My issue is with Jude Law. Dude already has three kids with his ex-wife, why the shit would he put himself at risk of having to share even more of his benjamins. Wait, he's English, it is Elizabeths? Anyway, must I again quote the incomparable Dorothy Zbornak when I scream "CONDOMS, JUDE! CONDOMS! CONDOMS! CONDOMS!" Jude needs to sit down with and listen to some sage advice from this guy....

Ain't none of his pucks getting past the goalie.

More Flowers for Brandon

Killers frontman Brandon Flowers and his wife recently had unprotected sex and are now expecting a second baby. They already have a two-year-old son. I don't really care about any of this but it's a nice excuse to post this hot picture of Mr. Flowers.

Kids on Shoulders Strikes Again

Hugh Jackman and his daughter at Disneyland.

Damnit! All these Hollywood DILFs have got to stop wearing their kids on their shoulders like this cause it's super cute and it's chipping away at the giant ice block that is my heart. Upside, I can put those falling ice chunks into my glass of vodka/water. Yes, I think I'm graduating from vodka sodas to vodka waters. Paging the producers of A&E Intervention in 3...2...1

Sidenote; Speaking of A&E Intervention, please, PLEASE PLEASE watch this super short, yet AWESOME remix of one of their best.episodes.ever featuring Alison who is addicted to computer duster. Seriously. Watch the shit out of this;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YdnLBddzOtk

If you laughed as hard as I did, which was REALLY fucking hard, I'll see you in hell!

Marky Mark's Funky Bunch is Getting Bigger

I thought Kevin Federline had some super sperm but Mark Wahlberg is putting that wigger to shame. Marky Mark and his longtime girlfriend are apparently expecting their fourth kid. Bitch just popped out their third kid in September, they do not fuck around. Well, I guess they do actually.

I don't judge though, if Marky Mark was giving me his good vibrations on the regular, I'd probably be knocked up all the time, too. And I don't even think I want kids. But he would just look at me and say 'can you feel it baby? I can too.' and BAM! I'd be pregnant. That Boston boy could pahk his cah in my Hahvahd Yahd anytime if you know what I'm saying.

Really, this post was just a way for me to somehow justify using this photo....

Ashlee & Pete With Their BMW

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz with their unfortunate-named spawn, Bronx Mowgli Wentz. Little Bronx is already almost as tall as his dad. He will be getting his very own flat iron for his first birthday. Everyone in that house needs their own.

Eight is More Than Enough

Have you heard about that woman in California who gave birth to octuplets?

The mother released a statement to the media saying "Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow...."

Or that's what she should have been saying because unless you are a cat, you should not be giving birth to eight babies at once. I don't think you should give birth to eight babies AT ALL but especially not at once.
We're humans, we're not supposed to deliver litters.

News came out yesterday that this woman already has six kids. I ain't no John Nash-style mathlete but that makes 14 kids. 14 KIDS!?!?!! WTF??

To top off this gem of a story, bitch is 33 and lives at home with her parents. That's some good decision-making.

Does anyone else think this is some sick shit? Someone please neuter this cat! Where's Bob Barker when we need him?!

Turning Japanese

Brad, Angelina and their child army have arrived in Japan. I'm not super into kids but holy crap those are some super cute babies, so cute I think I feel a tingling in my uterus, better throw myself down the stairs just to be safe. Extra precious is Knox, the little mini me Brad with his matching newsboy cap. Adorbs. If I had kids I would definitely make them dress like a mini version of me. I'd also teach them to mix vodka sodas with lime. Mommy needs her medicine.

I love how Maddox is rolling his eyes. He's so over this shit. He thought he struck gold when the crazy, rich white woman adopted his ass but now that he's got five other kids to contend with and he's living out of a suitcase, he's rethinking this mess. Maddox should be kicking it in Malibu with a mojito. He didn't sign on for this. He needs to call up Jennifer Aniston, break free from this traveling circus and hit the beach.

Scarlett Fever

I have a mad girl crush on Scarlett Johansson. I have for years. Can you blame me? Just look at her. She is insanely hot. I could get lost for hours in her magnificent, billowy cleavage. I love that she's sexy as hell and isn't an anorexic stick figure. She has boobs and hips and thighs and an ass like a woman is supposed to. She doesn't look like a teenaged boy or a malnourished orphan. I also love that despite the fact that she's a hot, young actress who has dated other famous people like Jared Leto, Josh Hartnett and is currently married to that piece of hot Canadian ass Ryan Reynolds, we don't see a whole lot of her in the tabloids. Twats like Lindsay, Paris and Britney complain about tabloids and paparazzi but the truth is they love that shit, they eat it up, they would die without it and worse, they court it. Scarlett is proof that it's possible to be famous and private. Shit, she managed to get married to Ryan Reynolds without one piece of information or photo leaking to the tabloids. This is in stark contrast to Lohan who bitches on and on about the tabloids and privacy whilst taking to her very public myspace blog every other day to dispel breakup rumours about her and Samantha Ronson or speak out about her dysfunctional family of fellow famewhores. Anyway, ScarJo appears on the cover of February's Harper's Bazaar and gives me more reason to love her...




In the mag Mrs. Reynolds talks about babies or more specifically, how she doesn't want any saying this about pregnancy rumours;
"That must mean I've been eating way too many bagels or something. I'm not pregnant and I'm not going to be anytime soon." I love that she has the balls to admit she's not all about the babies. For some reason, as progressed as our society is supposed to be, five minutes after a woman gets married she's supposed to be babymaking or least dreaming wistfully about the day she will become a mother. Just look at Jennifer Aniston. I don't believe for a hot minute she wants kids, cause if she did, wouldn't she kinda have them by now? Bitch is staring down the barrel of 40. And that's totally cool for Aniston but do you think America's Sweetheart could admit it? After Brad Pitt took up with Angelina and had 17 kids in the span of two weeks, Aniston gave an interview to Vogue in which she assured everyone she most definitely wanted children. Uh Huh. So much so that after her ten-year run on Friends wrapped up, she signed up for about ten thousand film projects. Don't get me wrong, I'm not hating on Jen for not wanting kids and if Brad desperately wanted them, as he obviously did, he had every right to find someone who wanted the same thing. I just hate that society puts so much pressure on women to be maternal that we're judged if we admit "hey, I don't want kids, it's not for me," and have to placate others by saying shit like "oh maybe one day." Why don't men get as pressured? Everyone thinks it's wicked awesome that George Clooney is a lifelong bachelor. I can't tell you how many times I've been told "oh you'll change your mind" when I express my lack of desire to procreate.

Scarlett Johannson may have a kid one day (and with Ryan Reynolds as her baby daddy that will be one good-looking kid) but I give her props for saying she doesn't want one right now, and without qualifying her statement with assurances that though she doesn't want one now, she most definitely will in the future.