Cry Me a River if This Shit is True

File this under: Fuck to the no.

Britain's Metro newspaper, which should be called Daily Lies, is reporting some bullshit that My Love, Justin Timberlake and his shehulk Jessica Bile are planning a summer wedding in Italy. Barf me a river. I do not summer l-ov-e this news. I also don't believe it.

First of all, if Justin is going to marry anybody, it's going to be Alicia Keys...



I don't care if my friend Robyn says Alicia is more of a fan of the pink taco than the sausage, she needs to flip that shit Anne Heche-style and develop a taste for the Timbersnake. In the meantime, when is Justin going to stop putting his dick in Bile's box and call up Kate Hudson for a sexy, no-strings weekend?



Seriously. This needs to happen.

Smells Like Douche Spirit

If your bottle of Paris Hilton's fragrance is starting to run low and instead of replacing it with more of the same, you're thinking to yourself 'you know, I'm kinda done with smelling like dried jizz, herpes sores, racism, appalling ignorance and misplaced self-entitlement, I'm really ready to start smelling like an immature, one-note, bitchfaced punk-ass poseur douchebag,' then today is your lucky day!

From Contact Music;

Canadian pop star AVRIL LAVIGNE has finished work on her debut fragrance - the first edition of her planned cosmetics empire. The singer signed a major deal with beauty company Procter & Gamble to produce a new toiletries line, including perfume, aftershave, bath oil, bath soap, shower gel, body shampoo, and body lotion.

The first fragrance will be called Black Star and Avril has this to say about it;“It has been a pretty cool experience. It’s so me in a bottle."




Avril in a bottle, eh? Unlike vodka, this is one bottle I will never, ever open.