TERI HATCHER


Don't you just hate when you're on your way to an awards show and those little bastard kids from the neighbourhood accost you and toilet paper you from head to toe?

AMY ADAMS & VIOLA DAVIS


This is Amy Adams aka NotIslaFisher and Viola Davis from Doubt.

I loooove Viola's dress, the one shoulderness of it and the colour. Love the colour.

Adam Adams is as adorable as a box of purring kittens but I have two problems with her dress. First, the weird bow thing. Is this a new trend? Dressing up like a present? And the bust portion, it makes her look like she's a member of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee, which is cool, so am I but it really accentuates it, like she's not just a member of the committee, she's our president.

Picture it; Sicily. I'm dead

One of my favourite parts of awards shows is the montage of dead people. Like Rocky, I appreciate a good montage and it's always interesting to see which dead people get the most applause from the assholes in the audience who are supposed to withhold their applause to the end. Inevitably, during the montage of the dead I say these two things; "What? (insert name here) died? When?" AND "Huh? I thought (insert name here) died a long time ago?!"

Last night the SAG awards paid tribute to people like Sidney Pollack, Charlton Heston (guess his hands finally gave up those guns) Bernie Mac and the old school hotness that was Paul Newman, all who peaced outta here in 2008. But at my place, the applause was loudest for this feisty bitch;



I love the Golden Girls, like loooove the Golden Girls. I watched it faithfully as a young girl and then again in my early 20s when I worked a horrible split shift at my first TV job and had a several hours in the middle of the day between the shifts. Golden Girls was on channel 49 every day as I'd be getting ready to drag my underpaid ass back to work. I realized then that I probably didn't 'get' a lot of the humour as a young girl as much of it was sexual.

My favourite of all the Golden Girls was easily the sarcastic and feisty spitfire that was Sophia Petrillo. Her quick wit, the way she'd cut down Dorothy for having no social life, Rose for being dumb as a sack of hammers and Blanche for being a skank was legendary. I want to spend my 50s and 60s living my life like Lucille Bluth from Arrested Development but the second I turn 80, I am going to be totally rocking this shit Sophia-style.

Peace out Sophia, at least your ass isn't in Shady Pines!

Daily Male: Brandon Flowers

The Killers played Toronto last night. I had a ticket but passed because after seeing them up close and personal at Massey Hall in November, seeing them in a venue as big as ACC would have been a letdown. But in honour of the Las Vegas boys' stopover in my town, singer Brandon Flowers, with that sweet, tight, Mormon ass of his, is today's Daily Male.













I liked the album Sam's Town but I'm glad dear Brandon is out of this here Pancho Villa phase of his.


Mmm....that's better. How James Bondian.

Sarah is...dead.

Check out this wacko story out of the UK....

A man has been found guilty of murdering his estranged wife after she switched her facebook relationship status from 'married' to 'single.' According to AP;

"Edward Richardson, 41, stabbed wife Sarah, 26, to death in a "frenzied and brutal" attack at her parents' home in Biddulph, central England, last May after she altered her profile on the Internet social networking site."

Obviously this guy was a raging psycho bitchboy and was probably going to do some damage with or without this facebook business but these shenanigans got me thinking about facebook and why some people feel the need to share their relationship status with the rest of us. Seriously. I mean it's one thing if you're married or in a super long-term relationship, I get that, but I don't understand those people who are with someone new for like, five minutes and run to facebook to let the world know they're now 'in a relationship', only to have to change it back about three weeks later when that shit tanks. Seriously, why do this to yourself? Also, who are these people who are not running for the hills when someone they've known for like, two weeks is already facebooking your relationship? I'd be totally weirded out and would shut that shit down. I say you gotta be together for at least six to nine months before taking that shit to facebook or you are asking for troubs. My personal favourite are the people who change their status to 'single' after fighting with their boyfriend/girlfriend, then change it back to 'in a relationship' and then 'single' again a month later and so on. Like, seriously? I mean, high school was good times and all but it's time we moved on, n'est-ce pas?

In the meantime I hope the facebook status of the dude who murdered his wife currently says 'Edward is getting mercilessly ass-raped in jail.'

Daily Male: Adam Levine

I'm implementing a new feature. Daily Male is essentially daily man candy, just something sweet to look at to break up the day.

Our first Daily Male is Adam Levine, it's for Robyn who requested some Maroon 5 hotness up in here. Robyn stumbled across the video for This Love recently and it renewed her Levine love. That video is indeed, pretty hot. And so is Mr. Levine.



I don't know what it is about Adam Levine. He's got manwhore written all over him and he looks like he'd be a total douche. The kind of dude who, after a one-night-stand, would tell anyone who'd listen that you're a slut even though he did the same damn thing you did! Ugh. Sometimes his voice reaches a certain octave that makes me cringe and I want to punch him in the face. All that said, I would totally hit this.



I love how Adam looks equally hot whether he's kickin' it casual-style or dressy. The man can rock both jeans and a suit pretty hard. Below he's sporting an ascot and I have mad love for anyone who can pull off an ascot. That shit ain't easy.

Holy Helena

Scarlett Johansson is my girl crush now but back in the '90s, my faux lesbian heart belonged to Helena Christensen. Above is Helena now at 41 years old. Holy crap.

Helena was one of the big supermodels of the day. She was never as famous Cindy, Linda or Naomi but she was my favourite. You remember Chris Isaak's Wicked Game video? Seriously, how hot was that? It came out when I was in junior high and I was like 'Omigod, are they like, doing it?'


The video, directed by the late, great Herb Ritts is still my number one sexiest video of all time. I think another part of my girl crush on Helena had to do with the fact that she used to date the walking sex that was Michael Hutchence...




Hutch was such a hot bitch. I loooved INXS. Make fun of me if you want but Michael Hutchence was a trailblazer. I mean, his Australian ass was found naked and dead with drugs in his system more than ten years before Heath Ledger pulled that shit. Anyway, unlike Hutch and Heath, Helena is still kicking and looking amazing...



That said, obviously there's some photoshop wizardry at work here. I know this because when my friend Chany and I were in Dublin we saw Ms. Christensen in person. It had been a long and tense day for us. As I've previously written about, we spent hours in the cold, rain and intense winds, wandering the streets of Dublin on a mission to find and take a picture of Hanover Studios where U2 records. After accomplishing our mission, we headed to the airport. We arrived cold, wet, dirty and not to mention beat the fuck down from the previous two nights of Olympic-style competitive drinking.

We walked into the airport and who should we run into but Helena fucking Christensen. Of course! Cause when you're looking like something a cat coughed up, you definitely want to run into an international supermodel to make you feel even worse about your disgusting self! I gasped and clutched Chany. "It's Helena Christensen," I hissed through my clenched teeth so my girl crush of yore wouldn't hear me. We totally followed her ass through the airport and stood in line for a smoothie behind her. I'm not gonna lie, she was looking slightly rough. But supermodel rough, not
regular bitch off the street rough. I should be so lucky to look like this bitch on her most heinous of days.

And speaking of girl crushes......

Scarlett Johansson is the face of a new line of makeup by Dolce & Gabbana. This her first ad for the line.

As Kanye West would say DAMN!!!! THIS IS SOME MARILYN MONROE SHIT!!!!!

Having today's starlets channel Marilyn Monroe is getting pretty played out but I'd still rather see Scarlett do it than Lindsay Lohan....



Bitch, please!

Paging Dr. Ross....Paging Dr. Doug Ross

Word today is that George Clooney, after initially turning that shit down, will now appear the final episode of E.R. when that show flatlines and joins St. Elsewhere, Chicago Hope and other hospital dramas in the sky on April 2nd.

I haven't watched E.R. in years mostly because it started to get pretty fucking ridic. I mean come on, how many times can one emergency room blow up, be terrorized by a gun-toting disgruntled ex-patient, be under quarantine because of some sort of deadly substance? Seriously, who the fuck would go to County General in an emergency? You walk in with a busted leg and walk out with a gunshot wound to the face and anthrax poisoning! No thanks. If I was a fictional person living in Chicago and I was found unconscious, I'd rather someone make like Heath Ledger's masseuse and get Mary Kate Olson on the phone before taking my ass to County General.


Anyway, many people consider E.R. to be George Clooney's big break. But if you're like me, you remember The Cloon from way back in the Facts of Life days...


George played a handyman who went by the name of, brace yourselves, George. He was hired by Mr. Garret after Edna's Edibles went up in flames and the gals decided to turn the space into a novelty store called Over Our Heads. Then George left Peakskill for Lanford, Illinois...


George joined the cast of Roseanne where he played Booker, the foreman at Wellman Plastics and love interest of Aunt Jackie. They'd often grab some beers at the Lobo Lounge after a hard day at the plastic's factory. Remember when Roseanne was a good show? Then Roseanne Barr went on a power trip and drove that show right into the fucking ground.


Anyway, it's nice to see George Clooney showing some love to the show that made him famous. If only Michael Cera would do the same for Arrested Development...


Latest word is, when asked about it this week at Sundance, George Michael said he's waiting to see a script before signing on. However, apparently creator Mitch Hurwitz is waiting to see which cast members are on board before going ahead with a script. Fuck Michael Cera, I love you but if George fucking Clooney, A-lister, winner of Oscars, BFF of Brad Pitt and all around sexy bitch can slum it for E.R. the least you can do is pay some respect to Arrested Development.


Remember George Michael, there's always money in the banana stand!!!

DAMN!!! THE OSCARS ARE SOME BENJAMIN BUTTON'S SHIT!!!

I will forever be thankful to the Louis Vuitton Don himself, Mr. Kanye West for introducing the phrase DAMN!!! THIS IS SOME BENJAMIN BUTTON'S SHIT!!!! into my lexicon. The Oscar noms are out and that BENJAMIN BUTTON'S SHIT scored the most nods with 13. Here's how the main categories breakdown;




BEST PICTURE
"The Curious Case of Benjamin Button"
"Frost/Nixon"
"Milk"
"The Reader"
"Slumdog Millionaire"

BEST ACTOR
Richard Jenkins, "The Visitor"
Frank Langella, "Frost/Nixon"
Sean Penn, "Milk"
Brad Pitt, "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button"
Mickey Rourke, "The Wrestler"

BEST ACTRESS
Anne Hathaway, "Rachel Getting Married"
Angelina Jolie, "Changeling"
Melissa Leo, "Frozen River"
Meryl Streep, "Doubt"
Kate Winslet, "The Reader"

SUPPORTING ACTOR
Josh Brolin, "Milk"
Robert Downey Jr., "Tropic Thunder"
Philip Seymour Hoffman, "Doubt"
Heath Ledger, "The Dark Knight"
Michael Shannon, "Revolutionary Road"

SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Amy Adams, "Doubt"
Penelope Cruz, "Vicky Cristina Barcelona"
Viola Davis, "Doubt"
Taraji P. Henson, "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button"
Marisa Tomei, "The Wrestler"

DIRECTOR
David Fincher, "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button"
Ron Howard, "Frost/Nixon"
Gus Van Sant, "Milk"
Stephen Daldry, "The Reader"
Danny Boyle, "Slumdog Millionaire"

Things that make me go Hmmmmmm..... (haha remember The Arsenio Hall show? Shit, I loved that show)



Revolutionary Road was pretty much shut out other than a nomination for the guy who played Kathy Bates awesomely crazy son. Maybe the Academy voters all offed themselves after watching it? I know I wanted to. Good movie but as Kanye would say, DAMN!!!! THAT WAS SOME DEPRESSING SHIT!!!!! Made me feel totally cool about not being married anymore though.



How much do I looooove that Robert Downey Junior got nominated for Tropic Thunder? "I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude." I can't wait to see him all suited up on the red carpet. This bitch is 'fine wining it' which is to say he is getting better with age.



Too bad my RDJ is probably gonna lose out to Heath Ledger. I ain't hatin' though, he was wicked awesome in The Dark Knight, scared the crap out of me. Plus, I think actually dying might make you a sure thing to grab an Oscar, like even more so than playing a retard. Or gay. Or British. Shit, could you imagine the awards if someone died after playing a retarded gay with a British accent?


Speaking of Mr. Ledger, grab your 40 and pour some of that shit on sidewalk today in honour of him. It was a year ago today that Heath peaced outta here.


I can't wait to hear the shout out Mickey Rooney's dogs are gonna get if he wins. I still love him for thanking his canine friends during his Golden Globe speech. And for using the word 'balls' like a dozen times.


And of course, the Prom King and Queen are each nominated. Hopefully Angelina won't be wearing something from the Dorothy Zbornak collection like she did for the Golden Globes.


Wolverine is hosting the Oscars this year which go down on February 22nd. I see a Billy Crystalesque song and dance number in our future. I personally loved when Chris Rock and Jon Stewart hosted that shit but they didn't seem to go over too well. I think Ricky Gervais needs to be next.

Razztastic!

The Oscar nominations are out tomorrow! I am not a follower of sports (save for grade eleven when I developed an inexplicable obsession with the NBA. Seriously, obsessed!) so the Oscars are like my Super Bowl. To tide us over until tomorrow's noms, the nominations for the Razzie Awards have been announced. Here's how the main categories break down:

WORST MOVIE
Disaster Movie
The Happening
The Hottie And The Nottie
In The Name Of The King: A Dungeon Siege Tale
The Love Guru
Meet The Spartans

WORST ACTOR

Larry the Cable Guy
WITLESS PROTECTION
Eddie Murphy
MEET DAVE
Mike Myers
THE LOVE GURU
Al Pacino
88 MINUTES and RIGHTEOUS KILL
Mark Wahlberg
THE HAPPENING and MAX PAYNE

WORST ACTRESS

Jessica Alba
THE EYE and THE LOVE GURU
The Cast of THE WOMEN
(Annette Bening, Eva Mendes, Debra Messing, Jada Pinkett-Smith and Meg Ryan)
Cameron Diaz
WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS
Paris Hilton
THE HOTTIE AND THE NOTTIE
Kate Hudson
FOOLS’ GOLD and MY BEST FRIEND’S GIRL



I'm happy to see Paris Hilton nominated for her cinematic abortion The Hottie and The Nottie. I haven't actually seen it but I also haven't had to actually give birth to a hot curling iron to know I wouldn't like that either.


Kate Hudson is another deserved nomination. I enjoy Kate, she's cute and I kind of love and admire that she blows through men like kleenex (I also love the yellow she's sporting in this pic) but Fool's Gold was mind-numbingly horrible (am I right, cousin Mike?) Like, someone send a DVD of this shit to Gitmo if they're looking for new and more brutal torture techniques.


Anyone with functioning eyes and ears could have told you The Love Guru was balls from the previews alone. Shit, maybe even Helen Keller could have told you. Even the temptation of Justin Timberlake in a pair of tighties (and albeit a bad wig) wasn't enough to lure my ass into that trap.


I'm sad to see Markie Mark nominated though. Did I see either of those movies? No, no I did not. However, the 14-year-old girl in me will forever have a crush on Mark. The 30-year-old woman in me wants to do unspeakably dirty things to him. Have you seen the Andy Samberg SNL skit 'Mark Wahlberg Talks to Animals?" I'm too lazy to try and find it for you but youtube that shit, then say hi to your mutha for me!




Editor's Note: When I was google imaging the crap out of raspberries pics, I came across several shots of raspberry vodka beverages. Like, not raspberry flavoured vodka but actual raspberries in your glass of vodka! Why the hell haven't I thought of this? Delish!!

President Barack Obama

"With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested, we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back, nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations." Barack Obama




"There's an old saying in Tennessee, I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee, that says, fool me once, shame on...shame on you. Fool me...you can't get fooled again."
George W. Bush


Bye Dubya, part of me is gonna miss gems like these!

reed mah buk y'all

Britney Spears has apparently signed a deal in the neighbourhood of 20 million dollars to write an autobiography.

Uhm.... write?, can Britney Spears even read?

Some source told a British tabloid "some of the stories she's got are absolute dynamite. She's kept diaries so there's nothing she'll leave out unless she wants to."

Could you imagine this backwoods bitch's diary?

Deer Dyery,

I is pregnunt again. i don't unnerstand. Mama said i couldn't get prenunt again if you have a boy first. Wate, I have an older bruther. I'm confoosed.

I gotto get a caramel frap and sum cheetos now. Talk to ya later dyery.

Good Christ. I pity her ghostwriter.

I Wish I Knew How To Quit Chuck Bass

Now I know how Jake Gyllenhaal must have felt in Brokeback Mountain. I cannot seem to quit Chuck Bass. I am Jack Twist and Chuck Bass is my Ennis Del Mar. (Does this mean in real life I'm going to overdose on a lethal cocktail of prescription meds? If so, please call 911 before calling one of the Olson twins, k?)



Once again, while watching Gossip Girl Monday night, I nearly quit this stupid bitch of a show. I cannot get past this whole 'let's hand over a multi-million dollar corporation to a 17-year-old' storyline. Like, doesn't this dude have to be in school? What does a punkass 17-year-old know about running a multi-million dollar company? I would shit my pants if someone gave me a company now and I'm nearly twice as old as Chuck Bass. Who's writing this shit? More importantly, why I am watching this shit? The aforementioned storyline, coupled with the introduction of a new teacher who looks to be about 13 years old and the constant back and forth bullshit between Dan and Serena had me just about ready to check the fuck out for good. But then, towards the end of the episode, Chuck busted into the ladies room at the opera and laid the smack down on his skeevy coke monkey uncle as he tried to get all rapey with Lily. It was hot. I like when Chuck gets rough. Oh you smarmy mother chucker, I wish I knew how to quit you.

I'm also looking forward to seeing how Blair is gonna fuck up that 13-year-old teacher's shit. I believe she used the phrase 'black ops' at the end of the episode. Sigh, I wish I was a TV character. It would be so fun to exact a ruthless campaign of sweet, nasty, merciless revenge on my enemies.

I Gotta Have Faith in George Michael

This is Michael Cera at Sundance. He's there with a film called Paper Heart. Let me guess he's playing a neurotic, awkward, socially inept guy in his late teens/early 20s? What a stretch.

Dear Michael Cera,

I love you, I really do. Your wood block skills? Unparalleled. Truly. And it's from a place of love that I say this to you; If your reported refusal to sign on to the Arrested Development move prevents that shit from being made, I will cut you.

Love,
Dirty Blonde
XOXO

Me.Want.Now

This is Shakira at some event that I am too lazy to look up. Who cares anyway, what I do care about is this dress. I LOOOOOOVE this dress, the colour, the style, everything LOVE. If I was Kanye West, I'd put on my venetian blind sunglasses, grab my MACBOOK AIR and type out a passionate ALL CAPS blog about this dress using LOTS OF EXCLAMATION POINTS BECAUSE EXCLAMATION POINTS ARE FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need a closer look;



DAMN!!!! THIS COLOUR IS SOOOOOOO DOPE!
If you don't love this dress you have SQUID BRAINS!!!1!!!!