That's It! I'm Popping Out Nontuplets! Suck it, OctoMommy!

So by this point it's pretty safe to say it's been widely established that Nadya Suleman, walking clown car, single mother of newborn octuplets, 14 children in total, fired client of two publicists, resident of her parents' abode, resembler of Angelina Jolie, collector of food stamps, employee to nobody is nuttier than squirrel shit. Well bitch might be as crazy as the day is long but bitch might not be stupid as I originally thought cause bitch seems to be cashing in. Nadya has just purchased a 2500 square foot, half a million dollar home in California. Below is OctoHouse.



It's believed Human Clown Car, who has been whoring herself on everything from Dateline and Dr. Phil to US Weekly and Entertainment Tonight made the down payment with money earned from the aforementioned media whoring. And not only that, Nuttya has also scored her ass some free round-the-clock nanny service. Some agency called Angels in Waiting has agreed to provide OctoCrazy and her brood with 24-hour care which for 'normal' families, would come with a price tag of more
than 100 grand a month.

Okay, hold the motherfucking phone. So, after four years of school and nine years in my chosen field, I'm sitting here in my ridiculously overpriced shoebox apartment in downtown Toronto, getting raped by the economy without a courtesy reach-around, struggling to hold on to another overpriced shoebox condo back in Calgary that currently houses my misogynistic douchebag fuckface tenant when all I have to do to score a free half-million dollar home in sunny California is pop out a litter and then whore out that litter? And then some agency steps so I don't even have to actually care for my litter of paychecks myself? Fuck this shit. That's it, fuck OctoMommy, I'm going to become NonoMommy, I'm going to beat that bitch at her own game and pop out NINE at once. Oh wait......



Nevermind. My shoebox apartment isn't looking so bad after all. **Shudder**

OctoMommy's Publicist Says Bitch is Nuts. Also Breaks News That Grass is Green, Water is Wet.

I've been trying to calm my obsession with the walking Clown Car that is Nadya Suleman, partly because bitch is everywhere and I'm sick to death of her, and partly because just the sound of her annoying voice makes me want to punch babies. I suppose that's handy since there are so many from which to choose.

Anyway, another OctoPublicist has hit the road. OctoCrazy's first publicist quit that bitch because people were straight up threatening to kill her ass. Now the OctoMommy has lost her second publicist.

Dude tells US Weekly "Nadya got real greedy. This woman is nuts."

Apparently, Captain Obvious' subscription to No Shit Weekly has finally come in? Cause I could have told you this bitch was nuttier than squirrel shit the very second this story broke, before we ever laid eyes on her Single White Angelina face.

Bitch has 14 motherfucking kids! Case closed. Get the straight jacket.

THIS IS SOME MICHAEL JACKSON AND BUBBLES SHIT!!!!

I'm officially adding FaceOff Chimp to my current list of obsessions alongside my former BFF Mickey Rourke, OctoMommy and Joaquin 'MC Hobo' Phoenix. Seriously this FaceOff Chimp shit gets more cray cray by the day. FaceOff Chimp of course is the chimp who went all 'Seigfried and Roy's Tiger' all over some poor woman and ripped off her face. Shudder

Obviously a 200-pound chimp is not the most traditional of house pets but that is the most sane part of the story. FaceOff Chimp's owner, or his 'mom' as she refers to herself, Sandra Herold spoke to the media about her ChimpSon and well, you be the judge.



ChimpMom is all torn up about police having to shoot and kill her ChimpSon. I mean, not as torn up as the face of her friend but pretty torn up nonetheless. She tells CBS "I'm, like, hollow now, he slept with me every night. He combed my hair. Everything in the house is for him."

And if the image of this woman sleeping with a chimp every night wasn't disturbing enough, she goes on to say "Until you've eaten with a chimp and bathed with a chimp, you don't know a chimp,"

Well I'll guess I'll never know a chimp. And I think I'm pretty cool with that cause I mos def ain't bathin' with no chimp. Seriously lady, even Michael Jackson is like 'Bitch! You crazy!'

OctoMommy Goes To The Media To Say She Doesn't Want to Be in the Media.

My obsession with the tragic train wreck that is OctoMommy Nadya Suleman continues. Our favourite poor woman's (literally) Angelina Jolie recently had her ass dropped by her publicist because people were threatening to straight up murder the publicist for representing this nutjob.

Now OctoMommy is telling People magazine that despite rumours, she is not going all 'Single White Female' on fellow child hoarder Angelina's ass. Nadya says "All lies. I have no interest in her. None." Hey Nadya, you know what would make your claims more believable? If you didn't look like Angelina Jolie. And if you weren't sporting some recently-acquired pillow lips.

Scrambled Eggs Brains went on to say that she's not enjoying the media frenzy surrounding her litter saying "it's a nightmare" and that she hopes it will die down soon. Hmm.....let me get this straight. The woman who sat down for not one, but two interviews with Dateline NBC, whose pictures of her frightening pregnant belly ended up on TMZ, who hired a publicist and set up a website featuring pictures of her newborn babies in their incubators soliciting donations from the public isn't enjoying the notoriety? What would make this more believable would be if she was telling this to say, a friend instead of oh, I don't know...PEOPLE MAGAZINE?

I'd have a modicum of respect for this woman if she just came out and admitted "Yes, I'm loving this media attention and I'm hoping that by birthing this litter of babies I will cash in with my own reality TV fertility freak show on TLC. I mean, you morons put those Jon and Kate people on TV and they only have eight kids. I had eight kids AT ONCE motherfuckers!"

Just.No.

If you heard OctoMommy Nadya Suleman's story and instead of being outraged, revolted, disgusted and generally depressed as fuck, your dumb ass thought 'hey, I want to have octuplets of my own," perhaps these images will put you right in the brains again.....




These horrifying images were taken eight days before doctors went in and cut those doomed babies out of her clown car uterus. This shit is wrong on so many levels I don't even know where to begin. In the meantime, I'm going to find my childhood blankey, retreat under the covers, curl up into the fetal position and rock back and forth for a few hours. This shit is nightmare-inducing. I will never sleep again without the help of pills and a bottle of wine. Wait, that's different how?

I apologize for springing this scary shit on your unsuspecting eyes and souls. If you ate breakfast before seeing these photos, you just vomited into your keyboard. If you haven't eaten yet, you just lost your appetite. Hey, I see a weight loss plan here! Anytime you want to stuff your face, just look at these photos and you'll lose your appetite! Or, if you just came back from an all-you-can-eat and you feel like your pants are going to explode right off your body, look at these photos and you will barf up everything you ate and everything you even thought of eating. Someone needs to call Jenny Craig, there's a new diet in here somewhere. OctoMommy's publicist (I'm still reeling that bitch has a publicist) needs to call my ass because I just thought of an endorsement deal for her scrambled eggs brains client. Maybe those 14 kids won't starve to death after all!

Do Manicurists, Publicists and Plastic Surgeons Accept Food Stamps for Payment?

I'm officially obsessed with that Scrambled Eggs for Brains bitch who birthed a litter of eight humans. Dateline NBC dedicated an entire hour on Tuesday night to OctoMommy Nadya Suleman and it was one crazy fucking hour. One minute I'm rolling my eyes, the next I want to dump my TV off my balcony. Essentially it was just more confirmation that this nutty bitch has MAJOR psychological issues and is breeding these unfortunate, innocent humans in an attempt to fill some kind of emotional void. Selfish, much? Has this bitch never heard of nine vodka sodas followed by meaningless sex with a stranger? Seems to work for the rest of us. At least that way no innocent children are affected (thank you makers of the morning after pill!)

I'm totally fascinated by this despicably irresponsible and negligent baby factory for several reasons. Superficially, did anyone else notice in the shots where she's showing off her eight babies in the hospital (you know, the premature ones hooked up to tubes and still at risk of developing diseases like cerebral palsy?) she was sporting French tip acrylic nails? I can't afford a manicure but this bitch who is on food stamps, has no job, lives in a three-bedroom house with her parents and now has 14 mouths to feed has French tips? Interesting. Also interesting that she has a publicist. On food stamps with a publicist? God bless America! Also fascinating was her lips. The Dateline special showed older pictures of Scrambled Eggs Brains from when her first couple of future psychiatric patients were born and bitch was NOT sporting the huge pillow lips she has now. Hmm.......



Why do I think Mr. and Mrs. Smith is playing on loop in the Suleman household?

OctoMommy is Crazy. In Other News, Water is Wet.

If you'd like a side of batshit fucking insanity with your toast and coffee on Monday morning, might I suggest watching the Today show? That nuttier than squirrel shit woman who recently birthed a litter of eight babies will be on the show presumably spilling crazy out of her mouth. On Friday the show offered a preview of Ann 'whisper talker' Curry's interview with the scrambled eggs brains mother of 14 MOTHERFUCKING KIDS.

Apparently the OctoMommy, Nadya Suleman, has always wanted a big family because she was an only child. Shit yo, I'm an only child, does this mean I am going to wake up one day and and want to turn my vagina into a clown car? I'm scared.

OctoMommy says she longs for children because she had a dysfunctional childhood. Yet the single mom to 14 MOTHERFUCKING KIDS continues to live at home with her parents who are helping her raise her litter. Makes sense.

Nadya is currently unemployed and has been on disability from her counseling job after a workplace accident. She says she will be able to afford her 14 MOTHERFUCKING KIDS because she's going to go back to school in the fall and earn her masters in counseling. Yeah, a single mother of 14 MOTHERFUCKING kids under the age of seven obtaining her master's degree seems like a pretty easy thing to do. Also, my ass needs to switch careers because counselors apparently earn millions a year now? Scrambled Eggs Brains didn't elaborate on how she plans to support her 14 MOTHERFUCKING kids while she's earning said masters, probably cause she didn't think this clusterfuck of a situation through, but she did say this;

"I'm loving them unconditionally, accepting them unconditionally... I'll stop my life for them and be present for them and hold them and be with them."

Anyone else think this bitch should have adopted a puppy instead? I don't have kids and I don't know if I want them but I'm pretty fucking sure being lonely, needy, starved for love, having no income, living with your parents and oh yeah, being fucking crazy doesn't add up to the best reason to have kids. And this woman is a counselor? Remind me not to go to her with my probs! In the meantime, someone please hang a "Closed. Going out of Business" sign on her uterus.