Taste The Happy, Taste the Sad

I will admit it, I did not watch Arrested Development when it was on the air. Several people told me how brilliant it was but for whatever reason, I never had the inclination to check it out. My bad, although I believe a piss poor marketing campaign by FOX is also partly to blame. I was eventually introduced to the sheer genius of Arrested Development during Thanksgiving weekend of 2007 when a friend handed me all three seasons on DVD and essentially ordered me to watch. I wasn't even half way through the first season when my life changed forever. Soon, words and phrases like 'I've made a huge mistake,' 'analrapist,' 'Annyong,' 'nevernude' and "her?" became permanent additions to my lexicon.

I became obsessed with Arrested Development and made it my personal mission to not only seek out other Arrested Development fans with whom to chat about the show and compare favourite quotes, but to also expose those who had not yet been introduced to the show and convert them. I was like Tom Cruise and Arrested Development was my Scientology. Like Tom, I started calling those unaware of AD 'glib' and started jumping on friends' couches when professing my undying love for the show. Unlike Tom Cruise, however, I am not a closeted homosexual but presented with the opportunity to make out with Portia DiRossi aka Lindsay Bluth, I can't say I'd turn that shit down (sorry Ellen) Liking, scratch that, LOVING Arrested Development became a new (and possibly the most important) criteria in a boyfriend. I simply could not entertain the idea of dating someone who didn't like the show. Having not watched the show was allowed only if, after watching it under my supervision, he would become one of the enlightened. Having seen the show and NOT falling immediately in love with it was tantamount to being a smoker or someone who doesn't drink- a total dealbreaker. I remember last year, about three months after my conversion, being on a second date with a guy who, by all accounts was cute and smart. I started asking him about Arrested Development but upon hearing he did not 'get' my show, my vagina dried up faster than Tara Reid's at a party with no open bar. I really should have dramatically stormed out right after he dropped this bombshell but this bitch will never turn down a free meal. I knew immediately this dude and I had no future and he instantly became so ugly to me that the thought of making out with him disgusted me. I mean, I still did it but I didn't enjoy it as much as I would have had it been the tongue of a fellow Arrested Development fan swirling around inside my mouth. There was, however, NO TOUCHING! I never did see that boy again. That's just fine because I never cared for him, much like Lucille never cared for Gob...

Anyway, talk of an Arrested Development movie has swirled since the show was unceremoniously pulled from the airwaves in 2006 but chatter about a big screen incarnation is louder than ever. Creator Mitch Hurwitz is on board as is executive producer/narrator Ron Howard who is in talks to direct. Reports say all the original cast members are ready to hop on the stair car save for one lone holdout - Michael Cera aka George Michael Bluth. The news is like a knife to my heart, or at least the part of my chest where my heart is supposed to be. It seems Cera not only has a busy schedule with four movies in development, but rumour has it that the Brampton, Ontario boy is hesitant to reprise the character who once boasted of his finely-tuned internal clock (it IS after all, why he's such a natural percussionist)

I feel so deceived. Maybe it isn't Steve Holt! who's the bastard, but George Michael? Why would he NOT jump at the chance to be part of an Arrested Development movie? I don't understand the question and I won't respond to it. I lied, I will respond. If the rumours are true, Michael Cera is an ungrateful little twerp who best sit down and recognize why any of us know his name in the first place. Don't get me wrong, I have mad love for Michael Cera, he's adorable and if I was a teacher and he was my student, I can't promise I wouldn't go all Mary Kay Letourneau on his ass. NOBODY plays painfully awkward teenager better than Michael Cera which is why he keeps playing a painfully awkward teenager in each and every one of the films he's done since the show wrapped. If he truly thinks returning to the character would be a step back for him, he really needs to watch Superbad, Juno and Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist over again because he is playing George Michael or a variation of George Michael in each of those movies. If he's not above playing a George Michael-like character on the big screen, why not just suck it the fuck up and play the actual George Michael?

In conclusion, this movie NEEDS to happen. And if Michael Cera won't sign on maybe they could get the other George Michael. You know, the singer/songwriter.