Thursday, September 30, 2010

Yes, We Do

Like this, that is.

JT and the other dudes from The Social Network on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. JT also gets his own cover. Cause he's Justin fucking Timberlake, bitch!

Inside the mag, Justin talks about why he's breaking my heart by focusing on acting right now instead of making music. Here's an excerpt, grab a tissue and read on;

EW: Are there people you work with who are telling you that you should put another record out sooner rather than later?
JT: …Does a painter make a painting because he has to make it by December 21st? No, he doesn’t. It happens when it pours out of him. That’s how music is for me….

EW: Do you think it’s dangerous to wait so long? Christina Aguilera waited four years between albums, and her fans don’t seem to care about her right now.
JT: If you’re asking me, no. I never stop making music. I don’t know what else to tell you, except that I just don’t know [in] what capacity I want to be involved anymore.

EW: That sounds very final.
JT: No. All I’m saying is, in very simple terms, I’ll know when I know. And until I know, I don’t know.

I'm crying. But I also find it interesting that JT randomly picked December 21st. That happens to be my birthday. I'm pretty sure it means we're soul mates. Despite what this pesky restraining order says...

Monday, September 27, 2010


Here's professional hot mess Lindsay Lohan visiting some kids at an LA homeless shelter. It shows what a narcissist Lohan is that she believes merely gracing these unfortunates with her presence is an act of charity. I can't read the paper that little girl is holding up but it probably reads "Can you believe this bitch?" or perhaps, "Haven't we suffered enough?"

Can someone please explain to me what wisdom or guidance Lohan could possibly extol to these kids? How to snort through your fortune? How to take opportunities that other, more deserving people would kill for and flush them down the toilet? How to go from one of the most sought after people in your profession to completely unemployable in the blink of an eye?

Bitch please.

"We Just Wanna Dance Again!"

Justin Timberlake at the NYC premiere of The Social Network

Did you see SNL this weekend? Katy Perry pretty much shat the bed and made a real case for the merits of lip syncing but also, my love, Justin Timberlake made a couple of cameo appearances. First, in a dream sequence in the opening monologue and then in a sketch called Actor II Actor in which Andy Samberg played a James Lipton-like character interviewing JT about his acting career. His first question? "When are you going to make some more music?" and as Justin storms off he pleads "We just wanna dance again!"


Andy Samberg pretty much said what we've all been thinking, right? We get it, JT. You wanna be a jack of all trades, you're a clothing designer, you've got a fragrance, you own a restaurant, I think you opened a golf course or some shit like that, yeah, I get it, you're an overachiever. If I didn't love you so much, I'd hate your ass. Howevs, it's time to return to your roots, and I don't mean your big blonde jew fro, I mean it's time to get your ass back in the studio and make some more music! A full album, not more collabos with Rihanna, Ciara and Timbo, I want at least ten tracks of JT and I want them right fucking now! FutureSexLoveSounds was a long time ago. Four years to be exact. A lot has happened in four years. Do you know that when most people hear "Justin" now, they immediately think of Bieber? He's a fetus! That shit ain't right, JT. It must be remedied!

A quick glance at your imdb page tells me that after this Facebook flick of yours, you've got a couple more movies on the go, Bad Teacher and Friends With Benefits. Since those are already in the can, I'll grant you those but after that, NO MORE MOVIES until you finish another album. That is an order!

Remember Justin, we just wanna dance again!

Sunday, September 26, 2010

I Have No Reason For Posting This....

Other than it's David Beckham. Shirtless.

You're welcome.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Crap As We Know It

Not even baiting me with Josh Duhamel in his skivvies would lure me into the theatre to see this hot mess called Life As We Know It. Have you seen the trailer for this vom com? Allow me to summarize: Katherine Heigl and Josh Duhamel are set up on a date by their married friends. They hate each other instantly and vow to never see each other again. Fair enough. Then fast forward and the matchmaking couple is tragically killed, leaving their infant daughter an orphan. Hilarious!!!! But it gets even funnier! Who does the couple leave in charge of their orphaned child? Why, the two people who hate each other, of course! Katherine and Josh are then forced to move into their dead friends' home where crazy hijinks ensue as these ill-equipped idiots attempt to navigate the wacky waters that is parenting. Barf.

First of all, if, Dog forbid, any of my breeder friends died and left ME their offspring, I would take that as an obvious sign that a) they never really liked me very much and b) they evidently didn't like their baby very much either since it's well-known that my maternal instincts lie somewhere between those of Susan Smith and Andrea Yates. That aside, I give the side eye to any comedy whose whole plot depends on the tragic death of two new parents. Don't get me wrong, I'm not precious (based on the novel Push by Saphire) I can laugh and have laughed at pretty much anything but...really? However, the bigger problem is, you can already tell that, after much bumbling over dirty diapers and fighting over who has to change them, that Josh and Katherine are obviously going to end up together at the end, happily raising the orphan as their own. It's so fucking predictable and you can see coming a mile away. Shit, upon watching the trailer even Stevie Wonder was like "I can clearly see these two are gonna end up together at the end, yo."

Lame, predictable vom coms are made every day but what makes this one even more cringe-inducing is that it stars the smug bitch that is Katherine Heigl. I'm still scratching my head as to how she trashed the genuinely funny comedy that was Knocked Up, accusing it of being unfair to women, and then went on to make such cinematic gems as 27 Dresses, and The Ugly Truth, the latter of which featured the female empowering scene that was Katherine being tantalized by a vibrator controlled by a little boy whilst dining at a restaurant. And as she was with that movie, Katherine is an executive producer of Life As We Know It. Good to see her using her Hollywood clout to make interesting, complex stories about strong women. Eye roll.

If you're a masochist, check out the trailer for Life As We Know It below;

Fucking a Tiger Gets You a TV Gig

Hey kids! If you're currently in school studying to work in the field of television, specifically entertainment 'journalism' put down your books, take off your panties and pray that a famous married man will land inside your vagina.

Rachel Uchitel has been announced as a new correspondent of the entertainment magazine show, Extra. If you have no clue who this trick is, let me refresh your memory - she was the first of about 43898 skanks that came forward to announce that she banged the big bag of douche that is Tiger Woods. Don't get me wrong, I'm not jealous that she's working on a show that boasts AC fucking Slater as its illustrious host but the whole thing is just indicative of the fucked up world in which we live. It used to be that banging a married a dirtbag would only get you a potential case of herpes and some bad karma but in our current climate, simply nailing a celebrity and then selling your story to the highest bidder is enough to make YOU a celebrity. I mean as douchey and gross as Tiger is, at least he has a genuine talent, you can't deny that the dude knows how to swing a club. It's just too bad he swung his dick around town with as much unbridled enthusiasm. But this Rachel chick? Does she possess any talent other than famewhoring? Writing? Singing? Juggling? Anything? Get inside the hand basket, friends. We are all headed for hell.

I Fucking Dare Tom Cruise to Call Jon Hamm 'Glib'

The man manly manliness that is Jon Hamm recently revealed to the UK mag, The Observer that he struggled in the past with chronic depression. If I was male and I looked like Jon Hamm, simply looking in the mirror would be enough to snap me out of any funk but alas, it seems it was a little more complicated than that. Hamm lost his father when he was 20-years-old, which would be devastating enough on its own but coupled with the fact that his mother had already died when Jon was just 10 and yeah, I guess that really fucking sucks.

Jon says he was able to overcome with the help of anti-depressants (cue Tom Cruise rushing to the Mad Men set with soapbox in hand in 3..2...) Of anti-depressants Jon says "You can change your brain chemistry enough to think: 'I want to get up in the morning; I don't want to sleep until four in the afternoon. I want to get up and ... go to work and ...' Reset the auto-meter, kick-start the engine!" Tom Cruise would recommend exercise instead of pills but I'm not sure if a few jumping jacks and a spin class are gonna assist in getting over the fact that, you know, your parents are fucking dead. I'd love to see Tommy Boy call Jon Hamm glib to his face. Of course he'd literally have to stand on that soapbox to be face-to-face with Jon since Mr. Hamm is about a foot taller than the elvish Tom (I ain't hatin' I dig short dudes)

In the same article Jon talks about his early days, working as a set dresser on soft core porn films. I'm gonna leave it at that. I need to be alone while images of Jon Hamm and porn penetrate my thoughts. Speaking of penetration, what I wouldn't give to have this man penetrate me.....

Marky Mark is a Fighter

Here's a production still from Mark Wahlberg's upcoming movie, The Fighter. The movie tells the story of real life boxer Irish Mickey Ward, a Boston-area welterweight best known for his several bouts with Arturo Gatti. Uhm...shirtless Mark Wahlberg? Boston accents? People beating the snot out of each other? I am SO seeing this film.

The Fighter is directed by David O'Russell who previously directed Marky Mark in Three Kings and I Heart Huckabees. He's also apparently well-versed in the art of fighting himself since he came to blows with George Clooney on the set of Three Kings and then went on to brawl with Lily Tomlin on the I Heart Huckabees set calling her a 'cunt'. Look for that shit on youtube, it is hilarious watching O'Russell and Tomlin go at it while the lovely Dustin Hoffman just sits there patiently waiting for the shitstorm to pass. Comedy gold.

Anyway, below is the trailer for The Fighter. It looks pretty decent and costars Christian Bale, who apparently, went back on his The Machinist diet for this role. Seriously, someone throw a fucking Oscar at this dude already, his body is gonna say 'fuck it, I quit this bitch' any day now. No wonder he can be a real grumpy pants on set!

Time for a Career Change

Remember back in high school when your guidance counselor attempted to assist you in determining what would be a suitable and satisfying career path for you? I feel more than a little ripped off that 'high class call girl' was never presented to me as a viable and lucrative option. Fuck you, Mrs. Kramer! Because if this week's issue of In Touch Weekly is to be believed, it is pretty much the best job. Of all time. Ever. This trick named Irma Nici says she was paid ten thousand dollars a night to lie down with David Beckham. Let me say this again because if you're like me, it didn't quite register the first time. David Beckham paid her ten thousand dollars to have sexy times with him. I know the sound I just heard was your mind being blown (and apparently, David Beckham being blown by a hooker)

Apparently they got together five times over the course of 2007 (that's 50 thousand mother fucking dollars for you mathletes keeping track) and each time he threw her a big bag of money to do what the vast majority of girls and gays would crawl across broken glass to do for free. Does anyone else find it interesting that whenever Davy boy has allegedly stepped out on his skeletal wifey that it's with a women with some actual meat on her bones? I mean this trick is alright I guess but she kinda looks like a Chola Jenny McCarthy. Whatevs.

Anyway, there you have it. Apparently if you're even just marginally attractive, a super hot sports superstar will pay you tens of thousands of dollars to stick it to you. David's likely pretty pissed right now though because, as we all know, when a dude hires a trick, he's not necessarily paying for the sex, he's paying her to fuck off after and to not talk about it. Bitch just broke the first rule of whore club. Call me David, I can keep a secret.

On a related note, I'm getting Mrs. Kramer back on the phone. A career change is certainly in order for me.

Monday, September 20, 2010


"Do you really want to hurt me? Do you really want to make me cry?"
George Alan O'Dowd

If I possessed the emotional capacity to experience feelings or had the physical ability to produce tears, they would be streaming down my face right now for today has brought most disturbing news indeed.

Caleb Followill, lead singer of Kings of Leon and star player in 89.7% of my dirtiest of dreams and most depraved fantasies has proposed to his girlfriend, model Lily Aldridge. I know, right? A rock star and a model? How novel, so not cliche whatsoever! Excuse me while I retrieve my eyeballs from the back of my head. Naturally, the bitch has accepted. Sadness. Today is going to be at least a five martini day as I struggle to deal with this most tragic of developments. Spoiler alert: I'm probably going to pass out in my own mess whilst KOL's Closer plays on repeat. So you know, just another Monday.

Dark days in North American history;

December 7, 1941
November 22, 1963
September 11, 2001
September 20, 2010

Thursday, March 4, 2010

How I Met Your Mammaries

This photo makes me very sexual confused. NPH is a gay man with whom I want to have straight sexy times and Christina Hendricks is a straight woman with whom I want to have lesbian sexy times.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Get Audi My Dreams, Get Into My Pants

Here is Justin Timberlake at some car show in Switzerland. I don't know why he's at a car show, I just know that I'm suddenly overcome with the urge to writhe around on the top of that car a la 80s video vixen Tawney Kitaen in Whitesnake's amazing video for Here I Go Again. Click below for a refresher. Those two used to be married. The amount of hair product they must have went through!

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Sherlock Homos?

Could you imagine a gay porn starring these two hot pieces? I can. In fact, I have. Shercock Bones. Yeah, it's not my best work - deal with it and just enjoy the hotness.

Daily Males: The "I Almost Believe In God" Edition

Though I have certainly called out his name in the midst of some rather heated activity (usually preceded with "oh my fucking..") I do NOT believe in God. Some would call me an atheist, I instead, refer to myself as a realist. However, this is not the forum for religious debate. But as firmly entrenched as my beliefs (or non-beliefs) may be, there is one thing, a calendar date, in fact, that could cause me to doubt my long-held position on the existence of God. And that date is today, January 14th.

January 14th is not only the day that the funny hotness that is Jason Bateman entered the world, it is also the day the orgasm for the ears, the reason I'd choose blindness over deafness - Caleb Followill was expelled from his mother's womb, instantly making this big, bad world a sexier, hornier place. To commemorate birthdays of these two masturbation material men, it's a Double Daily Male today. First up, Bateman. Oh how I'd like to bait this man...

Mmmmm.....a bearded Bateman. Beautiful....

A suited up Bateman suits me just fine....

That dimple! My heart just exploded. And by 'heart' I mean 'panties'.......

Math time! J-Bate has green eyes + I have green eyes = Our babies would have green eyes....

I don't know what's going on below, but I like it......

And now, time for the man whose voice is pure southern fried sex, the dirty kind that makes you blush just thinking about it, so dirty you aren't sure you can tell even your bestie about it - Caleb Followill. I'm not gonna lie to you, friends, I fired up KOL while downloading these pics and I had to pause to 'take care of business.' True story.

Is this is O face? I wish I knew...

This is the wallpaper on my mactop. Don't you just want to rip that shirt right off him? Yes....

Pump that gas Caleb, pump the shit out of it...

Sweaty. I like it....

Caleb Followill. Cake. That makes two things in this photo I want to put in my mouth....

I totally understand how that bottle of champers feels...

Saturday, November 7, 2009


Check out this famewhore douchebag doing yoga. He's praying for another 15 minutes.

Where's the bedazzled tiger, Jon? Doesn't Ed Hardy make yoga gear yet?

Red Hot

Earlier this year I decided I was officially over Beyonce. Had enough. Done. My bestie agreed, declaring us both "Beyondce." But seeing her rock the shit out of this red hot number at the MTV EMAs makes me wonder if I turned in my B card too soon. Holy shit bitch looks hot. I would run over a homeless person in the street for the chance to look like this. And to be married to Jiggaman, natch.

Ten Pounds of Flour Stuffed in a Five Pound Sack

Don't get me wrong, Mariah Carey is not fat. However, bitch is constantly making the mistake most of us ladies have made at least once, letting vanity keep us from accepting our real size. Mariah is probably a size six or eight, which is obviously smaller than the average trick on the street but bitch insists on squeezing her ass into a size four. The irony is that bitch looks worse than she would if she just wore a bigger size. By trying to pretend to be thinner, she actually looks fatter than she really is. Honey, grow up and size the fuck up.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Trick or Treat!

I'm not sure what Paul Rudd and his son were dressed as for Halloween. I just know that it was adorable. I'm not a huge fan of kids but I'd have one for Paul Rudd.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Wouldn't You Just Love to Carve This Up?

And the pumpkin, too. I guess.

Yesss!!! Levi Johnston to Whip out His Johnson for Playgirl!

We already knew the hottest and dumbest teenaged baby daddy in the game, Levi Johnston, was gonna shed some threads for Playgirl but we didn't know just how nekkid this backwoods boy toy was gonna get. Well friends, now we do. Levi has confirmed that he's going to hang out with his wang out, rock out with his cock out. His manager Tank (cause everyone associated with these yahoos has to have a fucking name like this) broke the news to TMZ, saying "Everything's gonna hang out, we're talking full johnson." Sidenote: If I ever achieve any kind of infamy, I'm hiring Tank as my spokesman. I think we'd get along just fine. Anyway back to young Levi....

Playgirl magazine only exists online these days which is perfect! I mean, how much of a douche would you feel like actually buying the magazine? This way you can enjoy touching yourself to the image of Levi's illegitimate baby maker without having to put on pants or leave the house! And an online version is a great way to avoid the inevitable sticky pages with which the magazine version would surely be fraught. Brilliant.

Levi will slide out of his levis for Playgirl's December issue. Looks like Christmas won't be the only thing coming that month! I'm gonna down a morning after pill with a vodka soda once I'm done looking at his spread though. This manwhore is dumber than a sack of hammers and the dumb ones are always the most fertile. A gal can never be too safe!

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Why Hello There!

When I was going through the photos from the Rome Film Festival I came across this dashing young lad sporting this jaunty chapeau. Don't you just want him to cheerily toss you a rolled up newspaper? And of course by 'rolled up newspaper' I mean 'his pants.' Dude is adorable.

The photo caption tells me his name is Edward Hogg. I want to know more.

Bow Down to The Queen

Here's Dame Helen Mirren at the Rome Film Festival. This silver fox looks better than me and she is 64 years old. Amazing. WTF is her secret? If she's had work done, it's damn good work. Mark my words, Lindsay Lohan will not be looking anywhere near this good at Helen's age. Of course that's assuming bitch makes it past 35 which, let's face it, is a pretty big assumption. Drugs are bad, kids!

I Have No Real Reason For Posting This

Other than it's Neil Patrick Harris looking mighty fiiine in a tux.

Is it wrong that I want Doogie Howser to be my gyno? Since the NPH is a geigh, it would be the only way he would get anywhere near my lady bits. Le sigh.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Who's Gonna Yell "Whatcha Gonna Do With Your Life" Now?


Captain Lou Albano, he of rubber-banded beard, known by many as a former wrestler and manager, but by 80s girls more as Cyndi Lauper's dad in the Girls Just Wanna Have Fun video, has died. Lou had been in the hospital but was just released into hospice care prior to his death. His rep would only say Lou died of natural causes.

Captain, you may have peaced out to the big wrestling ring in the sky but as Cyndi herself would say "Oh daddy dear you know you're still number one!"

I hope wherever Lou is now, he's having fun! Tell Ed, Farrah, Michael and Patrick we say 'what up?!"

And just because it always brings the smiles, let's hop in the DeLorean to 1984...below is the video for Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.

Captain Lou Albano
1933- 2009

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Justin Time For My Turkey Hangover

It's Mr. JT. This is just what I need today after pigging out on two Thanksgiving dinners last night. Yesterday I was thankful for friends and family. Today I will be thankful for laxatives and coffee.

My boy is in Vegas hosting the Justin Timberlake Shriners Hospitals for Children tournament. JT has three chances to sink a hole in one, if he does Callaway will donate a million bucks to Shriners Hospitals.

Speaking of Justin and holes, some friends and I were recently discussing whether we think Justin Timberlake is good in the sack. I maintain that, as a wicked dancer, he probably has mad skillz because he's got all kinds of sick moves. My friends offered that while that might be the case, he is probably selfish in bed, that it would be all about him. I can see that, too. Yes, we actually spent a good deal amount of time dissecting this. Make of that what you will.

Another pic of JT below. Just because.

I'd like to see Justin with more facial hair. Embrace the scruff, JT!

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Does This Dude Have a Diamond Dick?

File this under: Things I Do Not Understand (it's a very big file which includes folders entitled "Math" and "The Appeal of Katherine Heigl")

Actress Emmy Rossum is dating Counting Crows frontman Adam Duritz. I'm not exactly a fan of Emmy Rossum and I could not listen to Mr. Jones enough in high school but shit yo, she's dating that guy?

Emmy is 23 and Adam is 45. Also, did you know his dreadlocks are fake? True story. Like, as if it's not bad enough when we cracker ass white people grow dreadlocks but to wear fake ones? Unforgivable!

Duritz has previously dated both Jennifer Aniston and Courteney Cox.

Dude must have a diamond dick. That's the only explanation.

Sharon is the Shit

Here's Sharon Osbourne celebrating her birthday in Dublin.

I can't help but love this bitch. Yes, it was probably Bad Idea Jeans to whore out her family to reality television which likely resulted in the drug addictions of two of her kids but I just can't hate on this feisty lady. J'adore her! I mean, bitch has sent shit to people! Like, she put an actual turd in a Tiffany box, wrapped it up and sent it to someone she hated as a gift!

That shit automatically makes Sharon my hero. My friend and I once attempted to send excrement to some stupid twat we hated at work. We were going to take a dump in a mug, wrap it up and leave it on this trick's desk. Then we got paranoid, fearing advancements in DNA testing (we've seen our fare share of Law and Order episodes, thank you very much) would prove we were the culprits and result in our firings and possible arrests. So, we decided to use dog shit instead. So, cut to both of us in a fucking dog park in the middle of the night, trolling for shit! However, it was dark and we were without flashlights and we couldn't distinguish clumps of mud from actual turds. We tried to park as close as we could to capitalize on the illumination from our car's headlights but it was not enough. Alas, it was not to be. Sigh. I'll never be as awesome as Sharon Osbourne. Sad face.