Does This Dude Have a Diamond Dick?

File this under: Things I Do Not Understand (it's a very big file which includes folders entitled "Math" and "The Appeal of Katherine Heigl")

Actress Emmy Rossum is dating Counting Crows frontman Adam Duritz. I'm not exactly a fan of Emmy Rossum and I could not listen to Mr. Jones enough in high school but shit yo, she's dating that guy?

Emmy is 23 and Adam is 45. Also, did you know his dreadlocks are fake? True story. Like, as if it's not bad enough when we cracker ass white people grow dreadlocks but to wear fake ones? Unforgivable!

Duritz has previously dated both Jennifer Aniston and Courteney Cox.

Dude must have a diamond dick. That's the only explanation.

Torture Innocent Animals, Get a Reality Show. God Bless America!!

Take your laptop into the bathroom to read this because this shit is going to make you want to vomit everything you've ever eaten or even thought about eating....Philadelphia Eagles QB, convicted felon, torturer of animals and all around hemorrhoid on the ass of society, Michael Vick is getting his own reality show! America, the beautiful!

Vick, as you'll recall, served 18 months, aka NOT ENOUGH TIME, in prison for operating a dogfighting ring. Since completing his sentence, which was likely akin to a stay at a country club, this scum signed a 1.3 million dollar contract with an option for next year worth 5.2 million. Who says crime doesn't pay, kids? As long as you can throw a fucking football or sing an R&B song, you can cut your ex wife's throat, beat the fuck out of your girlfriend or torture innocent animals and still laugh your ass all the way to the bank while thousands of hard-working, law-abiding chumps struggle paycheck to paycheck. Awesome!

The 8-part Michael Vick Project will air on BET sometime next year. A rep from the network says; “Michael Vick’s story is about second chances, and we are excited to have the opportunity to tell his complete story." Uh huh. Too bad many of the dogs he heartlessly tortured will not get that same second chance. But oh well, right? They're just animals, they don't count. The monster himself says the reasoning behind doing the series is he wanted to show, “the ugly results of my decisions.” Oh reeaaaally. Personally, I'd rather those ugly results involved him getting brutally ass raped within an inch of his miserable life while his balls are locked in a vise rather than him cashing million dollar checks. Speaking of ugly results, if you really want to see the ugly results of dogfighting, click on the link below and then tell me this Vick business isn't some fucked up shit. The image below is disturbing, to say the least.

http://www.usanimalprotection.org/gypsy100.jpg

The Amazing Astro Girl

Soaring high in the sky, he may be small but only in size. Astro Boy Astro Boy, he is brave and gentle and wise...

A big screen version of Astro Boy is coming out this October. Kristen Bell, Nic Cage and Donald Sutherland all provide voices but apparently the film isn't entirely animated, there are some live action parts. That's the only way to explain Rihanna's new hairstyle. Clearly she's been cast as Astro Girl in the live action portions. 

Rihanna 'n Play?

Don't get me wrong. I love Rihanna. Trust. I have most of her songs on my ipod and even when Umbrella became the most overplayed song of 2007 and most of you wanted to drive bamboo shoots under your fingernails rather than listen to that track even one more time, I still loved it. I had a hard time letting go, I suppose. Anyway I love Rihanna's music, her sense of style and I'll love her even more if she testifies again Ike Jr. Chris Brown in court and helps convict his ass. All that said, I don't think I can get behind this current hairdo, or hairdon't. Methinks she's starting to look a tad like Kid of Kid 'n Play, no?

S.O.S Please Someone Help Me It's Not Healthy For Her To Dress This Way

Here's Rihanna at Monday night's Costume Institute Gala at the Met in NYC.  The tux coupled with those 80s shoulder poufs make her look like futuristic waiter sent down from the planet Alexis Morrell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan.  The planet's national sports are blackmail, infidelity, slapping and mudfights.

Someone Poke Her Face. Please.

Or poke out my eyes.  Cause I'd rather be Steve Wondering it than look at this Lady GAGa mess.

This bitch has "try hard" written all over her. 

Music To Beat Your Bitch To

E! is reporting that Chris Brown and Rihanna are working on a duet together. How lovely.

Perhaps they'll cover Britney's Hit Me Baby One More Time? Or Akon's Smack That? Prodigy's Smack My Bitch Up? MJ's Beat It (the 'It' being Rihanna of course) Or maybe they can remake one of Chris Brown's own, No Air? Just think of the live show possibilies, Chris Brown can actually choke her out during the song's bridge.

Or how about Tina gets on the phone to Rihanna and shuts this shit down, then the two of them team up to remake Tina's Better Be Good to Me?

Seriously, this shit is fucked.

THIS IS SOME MICHAEL JACKSON AND BUBBLES SHIT!!!!

I'm officially adding FaceOff Chimp to my current list of obsessions alongside my former BFF Mickey Rourke, OctoMommy and Joaquin 'MC Hobo' Phoenix. Seriously this FaceOff Chimp shit gets more cray cray by the day. FaceOff Chimp of course is the chimp who went all 'Seigfried and Roy's Tiger' all over some poor woman and ripped off her face. Shudder

Obviously a 200-pound chimp is not the most traditional of house pets but that is the most sane part of the story. FaceOff Chimp's owner, or his 'mom' as she refers to herself, Sandra Herold spoke to the media about her ChimpSon and well, you be the judge.



ChimpMom is all torn up about police having to shoot and kill her ChimpSon. I mean, not as torn up as the face of her friend but pretty torn up nonetheless. She tells CBS "I'm, like, hollow now, he slept with me every night. He combed my hair. Everything in the house is for him."

And if the image of this woman sleeping with a chimp every night wasn't disturbing enough, she goes on to say "Until you've eaten with a chimp and bathed with a chimp, you don't know a chimp,"

Well I'll guess I'll never know a chimp. And I think I'm pretty cool with that cause I mos def ain't bathin' with no chimp. Seriously lady, even Michael Jackson is like 'Bitch! You crazy!'

THIS IS SOME FACE OFF/28 DAYS LATER SHIT!!!1!!

File this shit under;

WHAT.THE.FUCK?!

Just before 1am, as I was getting ready to float away into sleepy dream times during which Justin Timberlake would greet me on a cotton candy cloud wearing nothing but a fedora and super sexy yet disarmingly charming smirk, I got a text from my friend Robyn informing me of a rather disturbing story out of Connecticut. Seriously this is some HORROR FILM SHIT!!!!

Okay, so this crazy bitch calls 911 freaking the fuck out. Why? Oh because her 200 pound pet chimp is tearing off her friend's face. You know, that old chestnut!



So, this 70-year-old broad has owned her 14-year-old chimp Travis (pictured above) since it was three-days-old. Travis even ventured into acting at one point, starring in an Old Navy commercial....



Morgan Fairchild didn't know it but her life was in critical danger that day. Yesterday, for no apparent reason, Travis flips the crazy switch and starts mauling his owner's friend, tearing off her face in the process. Lovely. While waiting for police to arrive with their guns, Travis' owner started beating her chimp with a shovel and then stabbing it in an effort to stop the attack. When authorities arrived they straight up shot the chimp and sent it to the big Old Navy in the sky. Crazy owner lady told the Today show “He looked at me like, ‘Mom, what did you do?’ It was horrific what happened and I had to do what I had to do, but still, I’ll miss him for the rest of my life.”

In the 911 call, during which you can hear the chimp screeching and wailing, this crazy bitch refers to the chimp as her 'son.' You can catch the 911 tape here, if you dare;

http://www.connpost.com/ci_11726076?source=most_viewed

THIS SHIT IS BANANAS!!!!!

Those who know me already know that my spot in hell was secured years ago. For those who don't, let me introduce you to the text convo between myself and Robyn last night.

Robyn: Chimp went Chris Brown on a bitch!
Me: I think Chris' chompers are still bigger than Travis'.
Robyn: What a way to go. How did Mary die? Oh, a chimp ripped off her fucking face!
Me: Travis, that murderin' chimp bastard!
Robyn: I wonder what made it go 'ape shit?' Zing!
Me: That? Was fucking gold. I want to make sweet love to you for that shit while Melissa Ethridge croons in the background.
Robyn: Come to my window, it's open so you could crawl inside
Me: Hopefully Travis won't crawl inside! I gotta say Robyn, I love you but if your ChimpSon ripped my face off, I think our friendship might be ovah.
Robyn: I would never let my pet chimp rip off your face. I promise.

Seriously this story is all shades of fucked and I cannot stop thinking about it! I think I'm adding FaceOff Chimp to my growing list of obsessions alongside Mickey Rourke, OctoMommy and Joaquin 'MC Hobo' Phoenix. FaceOff Chimp is why I look like a beat old whore today, I couldn't sleep a wink! I kept hearing FaceOff Chimp's wails and I'd have to feel around to ensure that my face was still intact. I was scared.

Speaking of scared, the next time one of my friends freak out when my little ten-pound cat gives them a little love bite, I'm gonna fire up that 911 tape and say 'at least you still have your face, bitch! FaceOff Chimp wouldn't be so charitable!"

Below is my 'killer cat' Ferris looking festive in his Christmas ensemble. I know Mickey Rourke would be proud of how I dressed him so seasonally-appropriate. But don't even get me started on that, I'm still choked about dear, departed Loki.

Maybe He's Born With It? Maybe It's Maybelline.

I'm gonna tap into my inner Christian Bale and ask 'What the fuck is with this fucking eye makeup on fucking Bono?' If this is what's been under those sunglasses all these years, he best put those bitches right back the fuck on!

Listen, Paul, darling. You and I go back like what, 18 years? My love for you runs deep. You're the longest relationship I've ever had with a man. I've stood by you through thick and thin, through Zooropa and Pop, I defended your ass. I even looked the other way when pictures surfaced last year of you and two teenaged skanks cavorting in France. No, I don't like your new song but we can get past that because I do love you, I really do. So it's from a place of love that I say this; WASH THAT SHIT OFF YOUR EYES CAUSE YOU'RE TOO FUCKING OLD FOR THIS SHIT!

Tara, Robyn, I want an explanation for this and I want it right fucking now!

Hey Mickey You're So Fine, You're So Fine You Blow My Mind (and by that I mean you make me want to blow my brains out)

Mickey Rourke. There are no words.

Robyn, please tell me you see this.

Eight is More Than Enough

Have you heard about that woman in California who gave birth to octuplets?

The mother released a statement to the media saying "Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow...."

Or that's what she should have been saying because unless you are a cat, you should not be giving birth to eight babies at once. I don't think you should give birth to eight babies AT ALL but especially not at once.
We're humans, we're not supposed to deliver litters.

News came out yesterday that this woman already has six kids. I ain't no John Nash-style mathlete but that makes 14 kids. 14 KIDS!?!?!! WTF??

To top off this gem of a story, bitch is 33 and lives at home with her parents. That's some good decision-making.

Does anyone else think this is some sick shit? Someone please neuter this cat! Where's Bob Barker when we need him?!

Fat Husband + Hot Wife = WTF?

I'm a shallow bitch. Let's just get that right out of the way, shall we? That said, what the fuck is with this trend on television over the past several years of pairing a fat husband with a hot wife who's way out of his league? In the last several years shows like King of Queens, According to Jim, Still Standing and Yes Dear all had something in common, they featured attractive women married to overweight, sloppy husbands. That and the shows sucked major ass. Okay, that's two things in common for you mathletes. Is this believable? Really? I'll even wade into the deep end of the pool for a moment and take appearance out of the equation, these women are still too good for the sad sacks to whom they're hitched. It would be one thing if the guy was carrying an extra 20, 30, 40 pounds but was intelligent, interesting, charming and an overall catch but for the most part, the husbands on these sitcoms were bumbling idiots, overgrown children who were constantly getting themselves into one retarded situation after another.

Most of these shitcoms are off the air now but the trent of fat husband, hot wife continues. One only has to look at commercials for proof. During the holidays there were a series of Staples commercials that had me wanting to shoot out the TV Elvis Presley-style. The ad featured a relatively attractive, seemingly intelligent woman and her fat ass husband telling us they decided to keep their Christmas shopping low-key this year and get each other modest gifts. The couple explains the wife still purchased the husband a pretty decent gift and then they show what the husband picked up for his wifey - a dancing Christmas tree. The way the husband acts while they're showcasing this stupid gift tells me that not only is he a fat ass, he's a dumbass as well. Seriously, the guy looks like he's mildly to moderately retarded. And this fat bastard (he's super overweight btw, not like 20 pounds overweight, I'm talking fat, like it's time to call Star Jones and ask for the name of her doctor, fat) is featured in yet another commercial, this one for the lottery. In the spot, his wife, a cute, petite blonde comes home to find her husband tattooing the logo for some low rent casino on his big, fat chest in the mirror. He turns around to reveal he's tattooed the logo on himself backwards. Something stinks about this and it ain't this dude's body odour. Again, would this cute, seemingly smart woman even look twice at this dolt in the street nevermind MARRY him? Was she under the influence of some insanely potent brand of psychotropic drugs? That is the only explanation for this match.

Don't get me wrong, I know appearance isn't EVERYTHING (in a relationship anyway, in a one-night-stand situation, it matters much more) Personally, I'd rather date someone who's somewhat attractive but who has a wicked sense of humour, is intelligent, ambitious, charming and caring than some dude is pretty but dumber than fuck (again, I'm talking relationships here, not hookups, for hookups, they can be stupider than a box of rocks for all I care since I imagine the only words exchanged will be "yes!" "harder!" and "so...can I call you a cab?") Frankly, I've always found someone hot can easily become less attractive if he's dumb, has no sense of humour or is an all-around douchebag. Conversely, if a guy is moderately attractive but features a host of other great qualities, he becomes better and better looking. Funny = Sexy. But the men on these sitcoms and commercials don't seem to possess any of these additional qualities. They're not funny or intelligent, they're fucking buffoons!

I realize these are actors I'm talking about and I wouldn't be so enraged about this trend if it went both ways, if, in the media we also saw really attractive men married to overweight, unattractive and stupid women. If we saw someone who looked like George Clooney in a relationship with someone who looked like Rosie O'Donnell. But we NEVER see that. NEVER. Instead, we see attractive men paired with equally, if not more attractive women. It's not fair and it suggests that women are so desperate to be paired up, to settle down and be married off that we'll settle for any man and frankly, it's insulting.