Rihannanimal

This is Rihanna out and about in New York this weekend. 

I suppose it makes sense, when you have a boyfriend who could beat your ass at a moment's notice, to wear a wild animal on your back. Next time Chris Brown even thinks about going Ike, that polar bear is going to go Travis.

Suzy ain't no Travis!

Damn Suzy, you failed me, you failed us all.

Turns out the pet chimp the Kardashians welcomed into their family was just some bullshit stunt for their bullshit reality show. Kim Kardashian says;

"My mom has been begging Kourtney, Khloe and I to settle down and have kids, so we thought it would be funny to rent a baby chimpanzee for a week and leave her with my mom! We don't still have Suzy, she was just rented for a week!"

Well Suzy, that was SEVEN DAYS you had to rip off a bitch's face. Seven days! Travis is not impressed Suzy, and neither am I.

Speaking of FaceOff Chimp, Kim, who again, is famous for having a big ass and a sex tape, has apologized for posting pictures of Suzy in the wake of the recent FaceOff Chimp tragedy.

"I understand my timing was not appropriate and it was insensitive of me....What happened to the woman that was attacked by the chimpanzee was devastating! My mom and I saw it on the news and heard the 911 calls and we both cried!"

I'm crying too Kim, I'm crying too.

I Hope Suzy is Related to Travis

Kim Kardashian, as my boyfriend Joel McHale from The Soup likes to remind us, is famous for having a big ass and a sex tape. And because we're at the threshold of hell, listening to the faint galloping of the four horsemen of the apocalypse grow louder with each passing day, having a big ass and a sex tape is not only enough to land you a reality TV show, it's enough to get your entire family a show. Exhibit A; Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

Apparently the Kardashians have recently added to their brood in the form of a pet chimp named Suzy....



With a family made up of the names Kris, Kim, Khloe, Kourtney, Kendall and Kylie, I'm fucking shocked this animal isn't named Kuzy.

Please, oh please let Suzy be related to Travis. You remember Travis, right? The chimp who went buck wild one day and tore the face off his human mother's friend? Yeah, that one.



When FaceOff Chimp Travis wasn't starring in Old Navy and Coke commercials, he was eating, sleeping and bathing with his human mom. Sick? Yes but one has to believe his life was better than that of the Kardashian's new pet...




They've dressed up poor, sweet Suzy like a common whore and have her working a stripper pole. Nice. You just know Suzy is on that blackberry typing to her chimp friends "I'm gonna pull a Travis and rip at least one of these bitch's faces off! I might meet the same fate as Travis, my body riddled with bullets courtesy of the popo but fuck, it will be totally worth it."

THIS IS SOME MICHAEL JACKSON AND BUBBLES SHIT!!!!

I'm officially adding FaceOff Chimp to my current list of obsessions alongside my former BFF Mickey Rourke, OctoMommy and Joaquin 'MC Hobo' Phoenix. Seriously this FaceOff Chimp shit gets more cray cray by the day. FaceOff Chimp of course is the chimp who went all 'Seigfried and Roy's Tiger' all over some poor woman and ripped off her face. Shudder

Obviously a 200-pound chimp is not the most traditional of house pets but that is the most sane part of the story. FaceOff Chimp's owner, or his 'mom' as she refers to herself, Sandra Herold spoke to the media about her ChimpSon and well, you be the judge.



ChimpMom is all torn up about police having to shoot and kill her ChimpSon. I mean, not as torn up as the face of her friend but pretty torn up nonetheless. She tells CBS "I'm, like, hollow now, he slept with me every night. He combed my hair. Everything in the house is for him."

And if the image of this woman sleeping with a chimp every night wasn't disturbing enough, she goes on to say "Until you've eaten with a chimp and bathed with a chimp, you don't know a chimp,"

Well I'll guess I'll never know a chimp. And I think I'm pretty cool with that cause I mos def ain't bathin' with no chimp. Seriously lady, even Michael Jackson is like 'Bitch! You crazy!'

THIS IS SOME FACE OFF/28 DAYS LATER SHIT!!!1!!

File this shit under;

WHAT.THE.FUCK?!

Just before 1am, as I was getting ready to float away into sleepy dream times during which Justin Timberlake would greet me on a cotton candy cloud wearing nothing but a fedora and super sexy yet disarmingly charming smirk, I got a text from my friend Robyn informing me of a rather disturbing story out of Connecticut. Seriously this is some HORROR FILM SHIT!!!!

Okay, so this crazy bitch calls 911 freaking the fuck out. Why? Oh because her 200 pound pet chimp is tearing off her friend's face. You know, that old chestnut!



So, this 70-year-old broad has owned her 14-year-old chimp Travis (pictured above) since it was three-days-old. Travis even ventured into acting at one point, starring in an Old Navy commercial....



Morgan Fairchild didn't know it but her life was in critical danger that day. Yesterday, for no apparent reason, Travis flips the crazy switch and starts mauling his owner's friend, tearing off her face in the process. Lovely. While waiting for police to arrive with their guns, Travis' owner started beating her chimp with a shovel and then stabbing it in an effort to stop the attack. When authorities arrived they straight up shot the chimp and sent it to the big Old Navy in the sky. Crazy owner lady told the Today show “He looked at me like, ‘Mom, what did you do?’ It was horrific what happened and I had to do what I had to do, but still, I’ll miss him for the rest of my life.”

In the 911 call, during which you can hear the chimp screeching and wailing, this crazy bitch refers to the chimp as her 'son.' You can catch the 911 tape here, if you dare;

http://www.connpost.com/ci_11726076?source=most_viewed

THIS SHIT IS BANANAS!!!!!

Those who know me already know that my spot in hell was secured years ago. For those who don't, let me introduce you to the text convo between myself and Robyn last night.

Robyn: Chimp went Chris Brown on a bitch!
Me: I think Chris' chompers are still bigger than Travis'.
Robyn: What a way to go. How did Mary die? Oh, a chimp ripped off her fucking face!
Me: Travis, that murderin' chimp bastard!
Robyn: I wonder what made it go 'ape shit?' Zing!
Me: That? Was fucking gold. I want to make sweet love to you for that shit while Melissa Ethridge croons in the background.
Robyn: Come to my window, it's open so you could crawl inside
Me: Hopefully Travis won't crawl inside! I gotta say Robyn, I love you but if your ChimpSon ripped my face off, I think our friendship might be ovah.
Robyn: I would never let my pet chimp rip off your face. I promise.

Seriously this story is all shades of fucked and I cannot stop thinking about it! I think I'm adding FaceOff Chimp to my growing list of obsessions alongside Mickey Rourke, OctoMommy and Joaquin 'MC Hobo' Phoenix. FaceOff Chimp is why I look like a beat old whore today, I couldn't sleep a wink! I kept hearing FaceOff Chimp's wails and I'd have to feel around to ensure that my face was still intact. I was scared.

Speaking of scared, the next time one of my friends freak out when my little ten-pound cat gives them a little love bite, I'm gonna fire up that 911 tape and say 'at least you still have your face, bitch! FaceOff Chimp wouldn't be so charitable!"

Below is my 'killer cat' Ferris looking festive in his Christmas ensemble. I know Mickey Rourke would be proud of how I dressed him so seasonally-appropriate. But don't even get me started on that, I'm still choked about dear, departed Loki.