WHAT.THE.FUCK?!
Just before 1am, as I was getting ready to float away into sleepy dream times during which Justin Timberlake would greet me on a cotton candy cloud wearing nothing but a fedora and super sexy yet disarmingly charming smirk, I got a text from my friend Robyn informing me of a rather disturbing story out of Connecticut. Seriously this is some HORROR FILM SHIT!!!!
Okay, so this crazy bitch calls 911 freaking the fuck out. Why? Oh because her 200 pound pet chimp is tearing off her friend's face. You know, that old chestnut!
So, this 70-year-old broad has owned her 14-year-old chimp Travis (pictured above) since it was three-days-old. Travis even ventured into acting at one point, starring in an Old Navy commercial....
Morgan Fairchild didn't know it but her life was in critical danger that day. Yesterday, for no apparent reason, Travis flips the crazy switch and starts mauling his owner's friend, tearing off her face in the process. Lovely. While waiting for police to arrive with their guns, Travis' owner started beating her chimp with a shovel and then stabbing it in an effort to stop the attack. When authorities arrived they straight up shot the chimp and sent it to the big Old Navy in the sky. Crazy owner lady told the Today show “He looked at me like, ‘Mom, what did you do?’ It was horrific what happened and I had to do what I had to do, but still, I’ll miss him for the rest of my life.”
In the 911 call, during which you can hear the chimp screeching and wailing, this crazy bitch refers to the chimp as her 'son.' You can catch the 911 tape here, if you dare;
http://www.connpost.com/ci_11726076?source=most_viewed
THIS SHIT IS BANANAS!!!!!
Those who know me already know that my spot in hell was secured years ago. For those who don't, let me introduce you to the text convo between myself and Robyn last night.
Robyn: Chimp went Chris Brown on a bitch!
Me: I think Chris' chompers are still bigger than Travis'.
Robyn: What a way to go. How did Mary die? Oh, a chimp ripped off her fucking face!
Me: Travis, that murderin' chimp bastard!
Robyn: I wonder what made it go 'ape shit?' Zing!
Me: That? Was fucking gold. I want to make sweet love to you for that shit while Melissa Ethridge croons in the background.
Robyn: Come to my window, it's open so you could crawl inside
Me: Hopefully Travis won't crawl inside! I gotta say Robyn, I love you but if your ChimpSon ripped my face off, I think our friendship might be ovah.
Robyn: I would never let my pet chimp rip off your face. I promise.
Seriously this story is all shades of fucked and I cannot stop thinking about it! I think I'm adding FaceOff Chimp to my growing list of obsessions alongside Mickey Rourke, OctoMommy and Joaquin 'MC Hobo' Phoenix. FaceOff Chimp is why I look like a beat old whore today, I couldn't sleep a wink! I kept hearing FaceOff Chimp's wails and I'd have to feel around to ensure that my face was still intact. I was scared.
Speaking of scared, the next time one of my friends freak out when my little ten-pound cat gives them a little love bite, I'm gonna fire up that 911 tape and say 'at least you still have your face, bitch! FaceOff Chimp wouldn't be so charitable!"
Below is my 'killer cat' Ferris looking festive in his Christmas ensemble. I know Mickey Rourke would be proud of how I dressed him so seasonally-appropriate. But don't even get me started on that, I'm still choked about dear, departed Loki.
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