Music To Beat Your Bitch To

E! is reporting that Chris Brown and Rihanna are working on a duet together. How lovely.

Perhaps they'll cover Britney's Hit Me Baby One More Time? Or Akon's Smack That? Prodigy's Smack My Bitch Up? MJ's Beat It (the 'It' being Rihanna of course) Or maybe they can remake one of Chris Brown's own, No Air? Just think of the live show possibilies, Chris Brown can actually choke her out during the song's bridge.

Or how about Tina gets on the phone to Rihanna and shuts this shit down, then the two of them team up to remake Tina's Better Be Good to Me?

Seriously, this shit is fucked.

Why So Serious?

Here's Chris Brown in court yesterday. He looks sad. Probably not because he put the beat down on his girlfriend but because he's starting to realize he will eventually be playing the Deerfoot Casino in Calgary like his idol, Ike.

Coming Soon To a Calgary Casino.....Chris Brown

More lovely details today about Chris Brown aka the new Ike Turner.

Apparently Fox 11 in LA somehow got their dirty little mittens on the police report that was filed the night Chris Brown and Rihanna allegedly re-enacted the Tina Turner biopic, What's Love Got to Do With It. The report allegedly contains the following;

The couple was driving when Rihanna found a text to Chris from another woman. When she angrily confronted him he apparently tried unsuccessfully to push her ass out of the car. Us Weekly says;

Brown became more violent, and then allegedly shoved Rihanna's head against the passenger window. After she turned to face him, Brown punched her, and continued punching her while driving.

Chris also allegedly said "I'm going to beat the ---- out of you when we get home. You wait and see." Charming.

The report continues, Rihanna left a message for her assistant that said, "I am on my way home. Make sure the cops are there when I get there." Brown replied, "You just did the stupidest thing ever. I'm going to kill you."Rihanna's mouth was filled with blood, which also splattered on her clothing and the inside of the rented Lamborghini they were driving. The fight escalated from there.Brown continued to punch Rihanna, bit her ear and fingers and put her in a headlock, causing her to nearly lose consciousness.

What a gentleman!



In more Ike Jr. news, apparently the recent reunion between him and Rihanna, you know the one at Diddy's place Miami where Chris was photographed happily jetskiing, flashing his pearly, girlfriend-biting chompers for the camera? Seriously those chompers rival Hilary Duff in their equine-nature. Anyway, it turns out that reunion might not be a done deal just yet.

The New York Post's Page Six says the two met up in Miami simply to discuss things and that Chris Brown's people tipped off the media, making it look like Rihanna had forgiven him in order for Brown to save his image. Can someone say, Prince Charming?!

Who knows what's true and what's not but if even half this shit is for reals, we can only hope Chris Brown meets the same fate as his late inspiration, Ike Turner.



The years were not kind to dear Ike. While his former punching bag Tina sold a buttload of records, won Grammys, played for millions of fans and generally kicked all kinds of ass, Ike faded away into obscurity, his love of beating a bitch rivaled only by his love of cocaine. In fact when Ike and Tina were indcuted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 1991, Ike's ass was kickin' it in a jail cell serving time on drug charges. Ike eventually died of a cocaine overdose in 2007 at the age of 76 but not before bringing his sorry, pathetic old ass to Calgary to play a local casino. And not some fancy, downtown, Vegas-style casino, either. I'm talking a busted out, outskirts-located, sad-as-fuck casino. This photo below is of Tina Turner playing to a sold out ARENA crowd in London last fucking night. This amazing bitch is 69 motherfucking years old!



Karma; the force generated by a person's actions held in Hinduism and Buddhism to perpetuate transmigration and in its ethical consequences to determine the nature of the person's next existence.

Macho Macho Man

Chris Brown in Miami this weekend showing us all the kind of manly, muscular, brute force it takes to give your girlfriend two black eyes, two goose eggs on her head, a busted lip and swollen nose. You're a big man, Chris Brown!

Where's Tina?

So Chris Brown and Rihanna are back together. They're apparently holed up at P. Diddy's place in Miami trying to work it out.

Ugh.

Please, someone get Tina Turner to give this girl a call and talk some sense into her! I'd suggest Nicole Brown Simpson but well...we know how that story ended.

Seriously, sad, sad times.

Got Milk? Not Anymore

Laying down a proper beat down on your bitch requires strong bones. Strong bones require calcium. That's why whenever I'm getting ready to put my fists on my lady's face, I like to have a nice, tall glass of milk. Milk does a body good.


The people behind the milk mustache (which I've always found disgusting by the way) are taking a page from Wrigley gum and dropping Chris Brown's bitchbeating ass. The milk peeps say;

"The Milk Mustache campaign is taking the allegations against Chris Brown very seriously... we are very proud and protective of the image of the Milk Mustache campaign and the responsible message it sends to teens. Mr. Brown's ad was launched last fall and is scheduled to end this week."

Wrigley Gum Spits Out Chris Brown

Chris Brown is thinking he'd like to double his pleasure and double his fun by beating down on both these bitches.

As I suspected might happen, Doublemint has dropped Chris Brown's ass in the wake of the controversy surrounding his alleged beatdown of Rihanna. A spokesperson for Wrigley gum told US Weekly;

"Wrigley is concerned by the serious allegations made against Chris Brown...we have made the decision to suspend the current advertising featuring Brown and any related marketing communications until the matter is resolved."

As I said before, Wrigley holding on to a guy accused of assaulting his girlfriend while Kellogg's dumped Michael Phelps' butterface for simply smoking pot would have been ten shades of fucked. Hey America! It's okay to smack your bitch up, just don't light up a fatty after wiping that dumb bitch's blood off your hands cause that would be immoral!



Rumours have been swirling all day about the extent of Rihanna's alleged injuries, reports range from bruises to her face to a broken jaw and possible bite marks on her arms. Biting is not cool unless you're both naked and even then, only in moderation, some of us don't want to wait three weeks before we can wear a short-sleeved top in public again, asshole! Anyway, back to Rihanna. Her people aren't talking, saying only "Rihanna is well. Thank you for concern and support." If Rihanna was not the victim in question here her reps would be denying the fuck out of it so it's pretty obvious it was her. Several outlets are full-on identifying her as the alleged victim. Chris Brown has hired Mark Geragos as his lawyer. Geragos has previously represented alleged child toucher Michael Jackson, pregnant wife killer and all around useless piece of shit Scott Peterson and fast fingers Winona Ryder. Brown's ass is due in court March 5th.

In the meantime he's pulled out of a scheduled performance at Sunday's NBA all-stars game. Both Chris and Rihanna canceled last night's Grammy performances last minute. Kim Kardashian, who's late father represented wife killer OJ Simpson, took to her blog to talk about Chris and Rihanna.

"I am in shock Rihanna and Chris canceled on this year’s Grammy show! I was SO looking forward to seeing both of them. They were essentially going to be the prom queen and king this year."




Uhm.. Bitch? Why was your ass even at the Grammys? In the words of the brilliant Joel McHale, Kim Kardashian is famous for having a big ass and a sex tape. Is getting pissed on by a third rate R&B singer really all it takes to get an invite to the big show?

Ike Turner Called. He Wants His Schtick Back.

Wondering why Chris Brown and Rihanna didn't perform at the Grammys as scheduled? Apparently they were too busy starring in a remake of the 1993 Tina Turner biopic What's Love Got to Do With It over the weekend.

LAPD were called out early Sunday morning after Chris Brown and an unidentified woman, who may or may not have been his girlfriend Rihanna got into some domestic Disturbia during which Chris apparently listened to his inner Olivia Newton John and 'got physical' on her ass. The woman called police and but Chris decided to 'run it' and was gone by the time cops arrived. Chris later turned his own ass into police, was booked on a felony and released on 50 thousand dollars bail.

Hmm...I think Chris Brown is a cutie and I enjoy his dance floor jams but if this shit is true, he's obviously a major league douchebag. Even Christian Bale is like "Fuck dude, you should go to some fucking anger management classes."

Chris Brown currently appears in ads for Doublemint gum. Kelloggs showed Michael Phelps' dolphin ass the door over some harmless pot, so if it's found Chris Brown did indeed beat a bitch, Wrigley's gum best quit him. I don't think backhanding your girlfriend's face qualifies as doubling your pleasure or doubling your fun.