NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

"Do you really want to hurt me? Do you really want to make me cry?"
George Alan O'Dowd

If I possessed the emotional capacity to experience feelings or had the physical ability to produce tears, they would be streaming down my face right now for today has brought most disturbing news indeed.

Caleb Followill, lead singer of Kings of Leon and star player in 89.7% of my dirtiest of dreams and most depraved fantasies has proposed to his girlfriend, model Lily Aldridge. I know, right? A rock star and a model? How novel, so not cliche whatsoever! Excuse me while I retrieve my eyeballs from the back of my head. Naturally, the bitch has accepted. Sadness. Today is going to be at least a five martini day as I struggle to deal with this most tragic of developments. Spoiler alert: I'm probably going to pass out in my own mess whilst KOL's Closer plays on repeat. So you know, just another Monday.

Dark days in North American history;

December 7, 1941
November 22, 1963
September 11, 2001
September 20, 2010

Waking Up With the Kings

If you're like me you've dreamed of waking up with Caleb Followill. Many times. Many, many times. Fuck Folgers in your cup, the best part of waking up would be rolling over and right into dirty morning sesh with Mr. Followill. But since that shit ain't ever gonna happen (le sigh) we'll have to settle for this; Kings of Leon were on the Today show this morning.

Apparently we're not the only ones who want to wake up with a Followill brother/cousin because the Today show received 20 thousand requests for this morning's performance, the most they've ever received. If you've ever seen the boys live you know they always bring it and sound awesome and this morning was no exception. Also, if I may wade into the shallow end of the pool for a moment (who am I kidding, I live there) Caleb looks mighty fine rocking a salmon-coloured shirt. Who knew? I love a man who's secure enough in his manhood to sport something pink.

KOL performed three songs, Use Somebody, Notion and Sex on Fire. Replace Use Somebody (I'm kinda 'over it') with I Want You or better yet, Closer, and it would have been almost too much to handle. I loooooove living alone but it's times like this when cohabitation would have its benefits, to use somebody, if you're picking up what I'm putting down.

Click below for the boys' performances before the Nazi Broadcasting Corporation, NBC pulls this shit down:

Use Somebody;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Ln_NXmaoF0

Sex on Fire;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xkB2RnUBCgA

Notion;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2dnGztLi3Pg

And just cause it's porn for your eyes and ears, here's vintage KOL performing Trani live;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Su-PfHBuuV0

Bruno Doesn't Half Ass It

Sasha Baron Cohen has been making the rounds big time promoting the shit out of Bruno. And just like he did with Borat, Sasha is staying in character the entire time. Sasha does NOT fuck around. I will never forget seeing him at the Toronto premiere of Borat, he rolled up in a cart pulled by peasant women and then told me Canadian 'womens' would be nice to buy because we have our own teeth. Amazing. Above is Bruno at the Paris premiere, below is him in Spain and below that, in London. It says something that even in these ridiculous getups, he still looks more butch than Zac Efron.

Bruno opens July 10th. I.Cannot.Wait. 

Btw, Bruno wasn't the only fine piece of ass a the London premiere, Kings of Leon were there, too! Aaaahhhh Caleb. Love the beard. I'm into beards right now. Of the facial hair variety, not the Katie Holmes variety.

Andy Samberg Needs To Host Everything From Now On

Did you watch the MTV Movie Awards? MTV award shows, both movie and music video, have been steadily sucking more and more donkey balls as the years have gone on. I try to tell myself this is not because I'm getting older and further away from the MTV demographic (because frankly, I'm very immature) but because they actually suck. But last night MTV was back on its game and it's mostly because of this man...

Andy was the perfect host. From the cold open during which he ended up naked in a limo with Justin Timberlake (weird, I just had that dream the other night!) to his opening song featuring Cameron Diaz dancing and Fred Armisen getting an intervention, to the amazing duet with 'Neil Diamond' about how cool guys don't look at explosions, Andy was on fire. Did you hear when he introduced High School Musical's Vanessa Hudgens as the girl from the brave documentary about an all gay high school? Heh. Andy Samberg should host everything everywhere from now on. MTV should seriously toss his salad because Sambo saved the show from major suckage. But speaking of suckage, was anyone else annoyed as fuck as the black box MTV Canada had up in the bottom corner of the screen featuring twitters and tweets or whatever the fuck? WTF? Yeah, MTV Canada, I don't want to see everything that's happening on the stage, I'd much rather look at retarded ramblings like "OMG, Zac Efron is like, sooooo haaawwwwt!" Between that and the completely unwatchable cut ins they did from the MTV Canada studio, yikes! Did you see that episode of 30 Rock where Steve Martin and Tina Fey watch MTV Canada and Steve Martin says something to the effect of 'they just can't get anything right up there can they?' Word. 

Here are some of the notable moments from last night...


How amazing was it when Bruno floated out above the crowd only to land with his bare ass right in Eminem's face? Epic. We were laughing our faces off watching this spectacle. Everyone on the internet has been getting their panties in a knot about Eminem storming out in a rage, wondering if it was real or staged. Puhlease people, of course it was staged. Still funny as hell, though. I cannot wait to see the Bruno movie. In the meantime, click below to watch last night's glorious moment, hopefully it won't be pulled down by Viacom, not sure if they're as Gestapo-like as the Nazi Broadcasting Corporation.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x9gc0k_bruno-and-eminem-get-intimate-mtv-m_shortfilms

No surprise, Twilight swept all the awards for which it was nominated. I'm not a pimply 12-year-old girl waiting for her period to finally come so yeah, I don't care.



The medley of songs from Andy's legendary SNL Digital Shorts almost brought a tear to my eye. Right before this started up, I said to my friends "could you imagine if there was a medley?" and then as if Sambo himself heard my prayers, this hilarity ensued. Oscar winner Forest Whitaker singing Dick in a Box? Amazing.


Ugh. Shut the fuck up, Miley Virus. Of course this backwoods hillbilly thanked God in her speech. Honey, the fact that your annoying ass not only exists but makes more money in a day than I will make in my life is only further proof that God does not, in fact, exist.


Okay, Efron these man bangs of yours are getting right out of control. If they get any longer they're going to cover your eyes and then how will you be able to check out all the cute boys? Seriously though, cut your fucking hair! Maybe he should get the same amazing cut as that Jon and Kate Plus 8 beast woman? Nah, that's way too butch for young Zac.


Gah! Kings of Leon! These guys sound so amazing live unlike many, many other 'musicians.' If you're in Calgary, Edmonton or Vancouver, I hope you're seeing them this summer, you will not be disappointed. Let's look at Caleb now, shall we?


Sigh. My loins are on fire.


Speaking of loins on fire, how hot is Chris Pine? My ass really needs to see Star Trek. I cannot believe I just wrote that.


The guys from The Hangover presented. I've said it before and I'll say it again, you HAVE to see The Hangover when it opens this weekend. Epic.

At the beginning of the show, Andy said the musical stylings of Keyboard Cat would play off anyone whose speech ran long. I was looking forward to it but it never happened so because this post is getting too long, take it away Keyboard Cat....

KOL Get Their MOJO

Hotties of rock Kings of Leon are in the latest issue of MOJO magazine. In the pages the boys talk about criticism they've strayed from their gritty southern fried original rock sound and sold out with more pop-oriented material, says Caleb;

"I've always been scared of songs being these big crossover hits. Like, with Use Somebody, I wrote the melody and all of us related to it, it felt like this big song, so I kinda pushed it under the rug. Then we were making Only By The Night and Matt kept saying, 'where's that song about using somebody?' I would act like I didn't know what he meant. I knew what he was talking about, but it scared me."

I love the entire Only By The Night album but I gotta say Use Somebody is not high on my rotation. Closer, I Want You, 17, Notion, and Manhattan get way more spins on my ipod. Closer and I Want You are particularly sexay if you're looking to add to your 'hit it' playlist.  Read more of the MOJO interview here; 

http://www.mojo4music.com/blog/2009/05/king_of_leon_reform_for_mojo.html

A post about Kings of Leon wouldn't be complete without some sweet eye candy so here's some KOL porn from inside the mag;

Don't forget KOL will perform on the MTV Movie Awards hosted by the Jew hotness that is Andy Samberg, this Sunday night!

KOL + Samberg = OMFG

I just jizzed in my pants.



Kings of Leon will perform at the MTV Movie Awards! Yessss!!!!!! The awards, as we know, will be hosted by the hot Jew sex bomb that is Andy Samberg and it's rumoured that Sambo's good friend and fellow motherlover Justin Timberlake will make some sort of appearance. This is on top of the fact that the love of my life Paul Rudd and my man friend Jason Segel are nommed for awards.

Someone put 911 on my speed dial cause I'm probably gonna stroke out mid-show, piss my pants and forget my name for half an hour. Totes worth it.

Have you seen KOL live? A-maz-ing.



Click below for big O-inducing performances of Closer, Milk and Knocked Up. I warn you, these performances are hot, do not watch these at work unless you have a private bathroom in which to 'relieve' yourself immediately after viewing.


Closer:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q7mIHB2JnY4

Milk:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BLQu6uWvdSw&feature=related

Knocked Up:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fICtrVyApBY&feature=related

Caleb's voice should seriously be rated NC-17 because unlike Trix, that shit ain't for kids.


We don't have to wait until the MTV Movie Awards on May 31st for the Followill boys to invade our TVs. KOL is on The Tonight Show tonight, Friday, May 15th. Set your PVRs, bitches! And while you're doing that, set one for the Today show on July 31st because the boys will be performing as part of the summer concert series. Hot.

Bono Jovi

Here's Bill Clinton and Bono Jovi at something called the "Can Do Awards" in NYC.

It's weird seeing your childhood and teenaged crushes get older before your eyes. I wanted nothing more than to be Mrs. Bon Jovi when I was in grade six. Faced with the knowledge this wasn't going to happen, I instead married my fellow classmate Patrick Fey in a schoolyard ceremony. It didn't last the year. This would not be the last wrong trip down the aisle I would take. That schoolyard shit is a fuck of a lot easier to undo though. Trust.

As for Mr. Hewson, all I can say is bitch better BRING IT when U2 plays the Rogers Centre in Toronto in September because I was brutally raped by Ticketbastard for my ticket. I have a wicked seat but that shit did not come cheap.

Speaking of concerts and coming. If there are spelling mistakes up in here, blame the Followill brother cousins because I am still reeling from the sex bomb that was last night's Kings of Leon show...



Amazing show. From the beginning riffs of Crawl to Caleb's wildcat screams in Charmer until the final notes of Black Thumbnail, the boys were relentless. By the time they got to Knocked Up in the encore, I'm pretty sure I was. And you know what? I'm going papa don't preach on this shit and keepin' mah baby.

If you live in Vancouver, Edmonton or my old stomping grounds of Calgary, KOL is headed your way this summer. Tickets go on sale this week! Go Nike on this one and JUST DO IT.

This Issue of Rolling Stone is On Fire

The current issue of Rolling Stone should really be wrapped in a paper bag at the newstands because it is as pornographic as any Penthouse or Hustler. Seriously, Larry Flynt ain't got nothing on this this shit. The Southern hotness that is Kings of Leon grace the cover and inside is an in-depth interview where the guys talk about their humble beginnings as sons (and nephew) of a preacher man, their current status as the 'it' band of the moment and about boozing, touring and favourite sex positions. That sound you just heard was my head exploding.

The guys offer the mag a tour inside their respective Nashville homes. Below are some shots of Caleb's lair.

Go to rollingstone.com for more KOL porn including pics of the Followill boys as youngsters and behind-the-scenes video hotness.

Kings of Leon play the ACC Tuesday night. Because Ticketmaster (aka Ticketbastard) is the thieving, despicable, monopoly and evil empire that it is, I paid dearly for my tickets on Craig's List. I was sodomized for sure (sans reach around) but at least the Craig's List killer didn't murder my ass. Meeting my maker before hearing Caleb's pure sex voice sing babymaking jams like Charmer, Knocked Up, Closer, Taper Jean Girl, Crawl and of course, Sex on Fire would have been nothing short of tragic. I hope I don't get pregnant at the show. I'll get the rusty coat hanger ready just in case. A girl's gotta be prepared.

Candy for the Ears and Eyes

Readers of the online music mag gigwise.com have voted Kings of Leon frontman Caleb Followill as the sexiest man in rock. Hells yes they did. If I was blind, like I had my eyes gouged out of my face like Johnny Depp in Once Upon a Time in Mexico, I'd still be able to tell you that Caleb Followill is one.sexy.bitch.

It's that voice, that voice!!!!!

Even in speaking form, it's pure sex. I'm not usually partial to a Southern accent on a man. On a woman it's charming like on the incomparable Blanche Deveraux or those fabulous Southern belles of Steel Magnolias, but on a man? Meh. Give me a Boston or Irish accent any day of the week. I could listen to an Irish dude say "park the car in the garage" all.night.long. Irish is my kryptonite but Southern accents do nothing for me. Except young Caleb's. His accent? It's pure, unadulterated porn for the ears. It's ear porn.

Click below for an interview during which Caleb talks about getting drunk, passing out, getting a tattoo and barfing. Sexy, right?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RrjQgV8P4yY&NR=1

Here's the video for Charmer. For no other reason than I like it when he screams;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YO0J-a-FxI

And here's some Caleb eye candy. Jared Followill is the more conventionally attractive member of KOL but that voice of Caleb's sets him apart.

I Bet Their Sex is On Fire

This is Kings of Leon frontman Caleb Followill and his model (of course) girlfriend Lily Aldridge out and about today in Sydney, Australia.

I would sell my family, one of my kidneys as well as what little is left of my soul for one hot night with Caleb. Caleb Followill is walking sex. And it has very little to do with his appearance (he's a hot as fuck NOW, but it wasn't always this way, he used to sport a middle part and at one point, mini manbangs, yes mini manbangs) No, Caleb's sex appeal has everything to do with that voice of his. He's got the horniest voice ever. It's an aphrodisiac, a soundtrack for sex. Hearing Caleb sing the phone book would be enough to send me over the edge. Shit, I'm an atheist (or realist as I like to call it) but if Caleb read me the bible, I'm pretty sure I'd be a believer, at the very least I'd be calling out the name of God over and over again. I know I'm not alone in this, my friend Bev knows exactly what I'm talking as we have discussed this over red wine.

Kings of Leon have released four full-length albums which should really just be called Songs For Sexin' Volumes 1 - 4. If you're unfamiliar with KOL and you're looking for a sex playlist (and I'm not talking love-making slow jamz, I'm talking hot, dirty sex) download the songs below;

Closer

On Call

I Want You

Crawl

Milk

Soft

Red Morning Light

Taper Jean Girl

Slow Night, So Long

Arizona

Trani

My Party

Holy Roller Novocaine

Knocked Up

and of course....

Sex on Fire

Click on the links below for some behind-the-scenes Sex on Fire action.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tvojy-SMdnE&feature=channel_page
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0oY6E5K15mI&feature=channel

Below are photos of Caleb from days of yore. With that voice of his, I'd still hit that shit, middle part, mini manbangs and all.

Daily Male: Kings of Leon

"Rise and shine all you gold-diggin' mothers are you too good to tango with the poor, poor boys"

I'm hardcore obsessed with Kings of Leon right now. Obsessed. In fact, I am listening to them right now. The boys played Madison Square Gardens last night. My boyfriend Chuck Bass was there. Jealous! Just as well, between the Followill cousin brothers and Chuck Bass, it would have been too much for my little black heart. So from a safe distance, KOL are today's Daily Male.