Would You Let Funny People Get You Knocked Up?

Here's Adam Sandler, Seth Rogen and Judd Apatow at the Funny People premiere yesterday. I loves me some JudAp so I definitely want to see this business.

Somewhat related; I watched the latest episode of Entourage online last night (I have a ghetto cable package) and Turtle was obsessed with Knocked Up and could not stop talking about how there's no way the Katherine Heigl character would have slept with the Seth Rogen character, no matter how drunk off her ass she may have been because she was sober when she first met him and saw that he was a big fat fattie. This was of course before Seth slimmed down, he looks pretty good at present. But back to Turtle's argument, excuse me while I offer up my best 'bitch puhlease!' facial expression because if you follow Entourage you know that Turtle is currently banging Meadow fucking Soprano, not only on the show but in real fucking life. Give me a second here, I can't see my keyboard because my eyes have rolled so far back into my head.....

Okay, I'm back. As delusional as his short, fat ass may be, Turtle does have a point. As much as I loved, loved looooooved Knocked Up, and at the risk of sounding like a real Superficial Sally, it is pretty unbelievable that Katherine Heigl would have done naked sex times with him, right? I mean we've all done some stupid shit when we're wasted but I'd like to think there's not enough vodka in the world that would have made that possible. In the Entourage episode some people were arguing that SethRo is super funny and chicks dig the funny so maybe it was possible? Uhm...no. Here's the deal -funny is great, it can do wonders. If a dude is average in the looks department but is really witty (and smart) he instantly becomes sooo much more attractive. For me, a good sense of humour is non-negotiable, it's a must have ...if I want to date a guy. Funny don't mean jack shit in a one-night stand situation. I mean, we're not going back to my apartment to partake in a sketch comedy showcase, ya know? So I call bullshit all over that hookup.


That's not the only part of Knocked Up I call bullshit on though. Let's see....a career-oriented woman whose job is just starting to take off, gets knocked up after a drunken one-night stand with a complete stranger who's a total stoner burnout loser with no job? If I wrote the script, the movie would have been about 20 minutes long and, spoiler alert - would have ended with the woman walking into a clinic. I won't say it, but it rhymes with 'smashmortion.'  

Roll credits.

All that said, I'm looking forward to Funny People. That shit opens July 31st. Word.

One Night Stands are Dangerous

Remember those old NBC public service announcements from the '80s called 'The More You Know'? It would feature someone like Alyssa Milano or Michael J. Fox warning us of the dangers of drinking alcohol or advising us to tell a parent or teacher if someone touched our private parts? Do you miss those PSAs like I do?

Well pretend I'm Lisa Whelchel from Facts of Life cause I got one for ya;

One night stands can be dangerous.



And I don't mean the kind of danger that has you taking the morning after pill or heading to the free clinic. I'm talking a different kind of danger. The kind of danger that could have you calling 911.

Somewhat recently, after a rather drunken evening at a local pub during which I consumed a near lethal number of vodka sodas (thanks Jen) I found myself stumbling home with an attractive young gentleman. Not my regular modus operandi but it had been a dry spell and sometimes a hungry girl's gotta eat, ya know? Anyway, it had been a rather busy week so to say my housekeeping duties had fallen by the wayside is putting it mildly, it looked like a bomb had gone off in my apartment. Of course none of this matters at 3am when you're drunk and horny. However when I awoke at 7am, confused, hurting and frankly still somewhat inebriated, I became suddenly mortified at the state of my living quarters. In the harsh morning light I realized just how disgusting it looked.

As my guest slept, I began furiously straightening up (my clean freak mom would be so proud. On second thought, probably not) I don't know why I wanted to clean, I mean as if the dude fucking cared but I cared and was determined to remedy this hot mess as best I could. I started hiding shit all over the place, CDs in the kitchen drawers, a book behind a pillow, and other random items in every nook and cranny available in my small, downtown apartment. Keep in mind I was still under the influence of of the previous night's vodka and it somehow made sense at the time.

All throughout the next week I was finding stuff in the craziest of places. At one point I even thought the dude straight up robbed my ass until I eventually found my ipod in a coat pocket. Then, on a lazy Saturday afternoon, seven days after the encounter, I was preparing what I anticipated would be a delicious pizza pita for lunch and turned on my oven to preheat. I got distracted and started piddling around my apartment when all of a sudden the smoke alarm started screaming, sending my cats into a panic. I ran into the kitchen to find it engulfed in smoke and smoke billowing out of my oven. I had yet to even put my pizza in the oven so you can imagine my confusion. I opened the oven door and there I found a shirt and a scarf in flames. WTF?!? After a few seconds of intense befuddlement, I realized I must have thrown them in there during my morning-after cleaning frenzy. That one-night stand (and next morning followup) nearly cost me my apartment! As it was, it cost me my favourite pajama top!

So there you have it folks, the more you know. During a drunken one-night stand, do NOT throw your clothes in the oven. Just as helpful as knowing to tell someone if an adult is touching your private parts, yes? BTW, if you know someone who's touching privates, can you send him my way? I sense another dry spell coming on...I even have protection ready; a fire extinguisher.