One Night Stands are Dangerous

Remember those old NBC public service announcements from the '80s called 'The More You Know'? It would feature someone like Alyssa Milano or Michael J. Fox warning us of the dangers of drinking alcohol or advising us to tell a parent or teacher if someone touched our private parts? Do you miss those PSAs like I do?

Well pretend I'm Lisa Whelchel from Facts of Life cause I got one for ya;

One night stands can be dangerous.



And I don't mean the kind of danger that has you taking the morning after pill or heading to the free clinic. I'm talking a different kind of danger. The kind of danger that could have you calling 911.

Somewhat recently, after a rather drunken evening at a local pub during which I consumed a near lethal number of vodka sodas (thanks Jen) I found myself stumbling home with an attractive young gentleman. Not my regular modus operandi but it had been a dry spell and sometimes a hungry girl's gotta eat, ya know? Anyway, it had been a rather busy week so to say my housekeeping duties had fallen by the wayside is putting it mildly, it looked like a bomb had gone off in my apartment. Of course none of this matters at 3am when you're drunk and horny. However when I awoke at 7am, confused, hurting and frankly still somewhat inebriated, I became suddenly mortified at the state of my living quarters. In the harsh morning light I realized just how disgusting it looked.

As my guest slept, I began furiously straightening up (my clean freak mom would be so proud. On second thought, probably not) I don't know why I wanted to clean, I mean as if the dude fucking cared but I cared and was determined to remedy this hot mess as best I could. I started hiding shit all over the place, CDs in the kitchen drawers, a book behind a pillow, and other random items in every nook and cranny available in my small, downtown apartment. Keep in mind I was still under the influence of of the previous night's vodka and it somehow made sense at the time.

All throughout the next week I was finding stuff in the craziest of places. At one point I even thought the dude straight up robbed my ass until I eventually found my ipod in a coat pocket. Then, on a lazy Saturday afternoon, seven days after the encounter, I was preparing what I anticipated would be a delicious pizza pita for lunch and turned on my oven to preheat. I got distracted and started piddling around my apartment when all of a sudden the smoke alarm started screaming, sending my cats into a panic. I ran into the kitchen to find it engulfed in smoke and smoke billowing out of my oven. I had yet to even put my pizza in the oven so you can imagine my confusion. I opened the oven door and there I found a shirt and a scarf in flames. WTF?!? After a few seconds of intense befuddlement, I realized I must have thrown them in there during my morning-after cleaning frenzy. That one-night stand (and next morning followup) nearly cost me my apartment! As it was, it cost me my favourite pajama top!

So there you have it folks, the more you know. During a drunken one-night stand, do NOT throw your clothes in the oven. Just as helpful as knowing to tell someone if an adult is touching your private parts, yes? BTW, if you know someone who's touching privates, can you send him my way? I sense another dry spell coming on...I even have protection ready; a fire extinguisher.