Boston Affleck. Think About It.

Earlier this week, Bennifer 2 Electric Boogaloo welcomed another baby girl. As I'm writing this, Ben and Jen haven't released the name of Violet Affleck's new baby sister. I think they should name her Boston. Boston Affleck. Yeah it's dumb but so are most celebrity baby names and naming your spawn after geographical locations seems to be popular. Ashlee Simpson and her Emo Pocket Rocker husband Pete Wentz (seriously, dude is short which is cool, so am I) cursed their son with the unfortunate moniker of Bronx Mowgli, Posh and Becks have a son named Brooklyn, Alec Baldwin's daughter's name is Ireland (although he occasionally likes to affectionately refer to her in voicemail messages as Thoughtless Pig) So you see, naming baby girl Affleck after her daddy's hometown isn't entirely out of the realm of possibility.



I've never been to Boston. I had a trip to Beantown planned in September with two fabulous bitches from Vancouver but potential employment strife and the subsequent financial strife said employment strife would have caused thwarted our plans. That was 2008 and it's now 2009 baby and I need to get my ass to Boston.

I've always had an interest in Boston, everyone I know who's been says it's awesome times. Last spring when some girlfriends and I were in Vegas we met a dude from Boston. I called him Boston Tom (mostly cause I didn't know his last name) Boston Tom spoke with a thick Boston accent. Not everyone likes a Boston accent, some think it sounds retarded or 'retahded' as a Bostonian would say. But I do like Boston accents. A LOT. Everything that came out of Boston Tom's mouth sounded like a wicked awesome symphony of awesomeness. I don't normally appreciate when straight guys call shit 'gay' but when he referred to the Elton John show he attended with his buddies earlier in the evening as "wicked good but wicked gay" instead of suggesting he choose an alternative adjective, all I could do was swoon. I was powerless to resist Boston Tom's charms. I was Superman and his accent was my Kryptonite (that makes sense, right? I'm not up on my super hero knowledge since you know, I have a vagina) Let me put it in terms I do understand; his accent was like lemon gin which is to say, it was panty remover. I have fond memories of Boston Tom. Very fond. That's all I'll say about that.

Anyway, hearing Boston Tom's Boston accent got my girlfriends and I thinking about other awesome things that have come from Beantown. Here's what I've come up with;

Mark Wahlberg


Or Marky Mark as I will forever refer to him. Raised in Dorchester, Marky Mark was the stuff teenaged girls (and some boys) dreams were made of. Brother of Donnie (and I'll get to him in a moment) Marky Mark and his Funky Bunch burst on to the scene in 1991 with their album Music for the People featuring the dance floor classic, Good Vibrations (I still get a little flushed when he says 'Can you feel it baby? Yeah, I can too) Mark Marky then ventured into the world of modeling, most notably for Calvin Klein. Soon, images of Mark clad only in his underwear were EVERYWHERE. That chest! Those abs! It was a beautiful and confusing time for a 14-year-old me. So many strange, new feelings, most of them 'down there.' I doubt I knew what I'd do with him if I got him but I did know I wanted a piece of Marky Mark. That feeling never went away. Cut to me 15 years later and I had to hook up with a dude named Mike purely based on the fact that he somewhat resembled Marky Mark. I called him Marky Mike and he did bring his good vibrations. But that's another story for another time....

Looking back now, Marky Mark was more than likely a raging douchebag back then. He was a cocky hooligan and apparently known for dropping racial and homophobic slurs as often as he dropped his pants. Before long, young Mark's rap career fizzled out, he faded away for a while and then all of a sudden Marky Mark, white boy, pants-dropping rapper grew into Mark Wahlberg, thespian. Sure he's made some duds along the way and you may not agree with me but I do think he can act (exhibit A; The Departed) But what makes Marky Mark still so attractive to me after all these years is he seems to have grown up. He's a devoted father of three, seems stable, stays out of the tabloids and is the first to admit he was a total punk ass bitch back in the day. Marky Mark has transitioned so nicely into Mark Wahlberg....



And on an entirely superficial level, he also rocks a suit like nobody's business. I will always have a special place in my heart for Marky Mark. Can you feel it baby? Yeah, I can too.

Cheers


Uhm...who doesn't want to go where everybody knows you're name? Not only that, they're always glad you came. Sometimes you wanna be where you can see troubles are all the same, right?



Tell Sam 'Mayday' Malone to pour me a cold one because I'm on my way!

Ben Affleck & Matt Damon


Who didn't love Matt Damon and Ben Affleck when they came onto the scene in 1997 with Good Will Hunting? I mean, they brought their moms to the Oscars! Adorable.



I gravitated towards Ben over Matt. Sure, Ben seemed like the dumber of the two but he looked like a harmless, good times kinda guy you'd like to hang out with. I thought he was super good-looking and strangely I just liked saying 'BEN AFFLECK!' Still do. BEN AFFLECK! Anyway, Ben and I had to take a break when he was dating Jennifer Lopez. Something about the way she ripped off his balls, doused him in spray tan, coiffed his hair and had him literally kissing her mammoth ass in the Jenny From The Block video had me embarrassed for him. And then of course there was the cinematic abortion that was Gigli. Let's just pretend that didn't happen now, shall we?

But then Bennifer went down in flames and my old BEN AFFLECK! was back. The accent is part of it, it's faded over the years for sure but you can catch it now and then. Plus I love how totally devoted he remains to his hometown. Taking in a Red Sox game with Ben Affleck and a few beers would be a super fantastic day. Yeah, Ben's made some suck ass films over the years (Reindeer Games and Surviving Christmas, anyone?) But he redeemed himself for me with his directorial efforts in Gone Baby Gone. And how much do I love that after so many years in the superficial, soul-sucking void that is Hollywood, he and Matt Damon are still best buddies?



It's it bromantic? I love it! Okay, on to Matt...



Even though my heart and loins belong to Ben, I will admit Matt is the better actor. He was pretty damn good in The Talented Mr. Ripley and has turned out one great performance after another since then. Movies like the Ocean's films (even though 12 sucked donkey balls) have shown his comedic chops, he's been the thinking man's action hero in the Bourne movies and he's shown off his serious acting skills in dramatic films like The Departed and The Good Shepherd. Also awesome about Matt is his charitable endeavors. Every year, he hosts the OneXOne Gala in Toronto which raises money for children's charities around the world and he's involved in other causes like Darfur and the environment. It's easy to see why People magazine named him The Sexiest Man Alive last year. His wife is lucky to be the one who's Fucking Matt Damon.

Boston Pizza


Sure it's not exactly the world's greatest pizza but you're among friends at Boston Pizza and who doesn't like being among friends?

New Kids on the Block


They're five bad brothers from the Beantown! Yeah. My first exposure to New Kids on the Block was the song I'll Be Loving You Forever and quite frankly, I didn't know what to make of them. In all honesty, Jordan's piercing falsetto didn't appeal to me. But then Hangin' Tough rocked my 12-year-old world and by the time the boys released Step by Step in 1990, I was a total Blockhead. They had the Right Stuff. I was a Donnie girl, he was the group's resident badass and I wanted to be his Cover Girl. Sure I look back now and laugh at how totally ridiculous they were but as a tween girl, this was good shit! Nobody was more excited when NKOTB reunited in 2008 than me and my girlfriends..



In fact it's why we planned to go to Boston in the first place, we had tickets to see the boys in concert at TD Banknorth Garden. Could you imagine seeing the New Kids on the Block reunion show in their hometown, where it all began? But alas, it was not to be. Perhaps it was for the better, it might have been too much for our cold, little hearts to handle. I did get to check out the boys at their Toronto show during which I found my loins aching the most for Joe. He was my number two back in the day behind Donnie but now I'm all about Joe. Damn that boy grew up nicely! Those blue eyes and boyish smile! Don't get me wrong, I'd still hit Donnie for old time's sake (I'm a sentimental fool) but Joe is where it's at right now. The concert was a delightful trip down memory lane. All the old moves were there and even though the guys are older and we are wiser, it was wicked awesome being taken back to my carefree Blockhead days. When, as Donnie said, it was all about positivity and positivity is not about being soft, it's about being smart (or smaht) you sucka! When it comes to the New Kids, call it what you want but I call it love.

Boston Tea Party



I like tea. I like parties.

Casey Affleck


My aforementioned love of Ben Affleck translates to his little brother Casey. Apparently I like to keep it in the family (see; the Wahlbergs) I fact, I think I'm hotter for Casey these days than I am for Ben. Superficially it's because he's wicked cute and has more of an accent than his big brother. On a only somewhat deeper level, he is a seriously good actor. His performances in The Assassination of Jesse James and Gone Baby Gone were major turning points for him. Gone Baby Gone also describes where my panties would be should I ever encounter the Afflecks!

Boston


I'm assuming this band called Boston isn't into some deceptive trickery and that they're in fact, from Boston but truth be told, I'm too lazy to google that shit. I do know, however, that I have busted out their classic 'More Than a Feeling' during karaoke times. "I see my MaryAnn walking away aayyyyy....."

Harvard


Or as Bostonians pronounce it, "Hahvahd." This Ivy League institution is Ben and Matt's alma mater and is also where the delightful Elle Woods earned her law degree (what, like it's hard?) Plus, I like saying (in Bostonian) "I'm gonna pahk the cah at Hahvahd Yahd." That shit does not get old. Try it, it's fun.

So you see, these are just a few of the wicked awesome things Boston has to offer. And who doesn't like awesome? I like awesome and that's why I think I'll like Boston. And you never know, perhaps there is a spare Affleck or Wahlberg cousin wandering around town. And if Boston Tom is any indication of the talents the plain 'ol regular guys for whom Boston is home have to offer, well then I might just have to book a one-way ticket, pahk my cah in Hahvahd Yahd and call it a life.