Yes, We Do

Like this, that is.

JT and the other dudes from The Social Network on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. JT also gets his own cover. Cause he's Justin fucking Timberlake, bitch!

Inside the mag, Justin talks about why he's breaking my heart by focusing on acting right now instead of making music. Here's an excerpt, grab a tissue and read on;

EW: Are there people you work with who are telling you that you should put another record out sooner rather than later?
JT: …Does a painter make a painting because he has to make it by December 21st? No, he doesn’t. It happens when it pours out of him. That’s how music is for me….

EW: Do you think it’s dangerous to wait so long? Christina Aguilera waited four years between albums, and her fans don’t seem to care about her right now.
JT: If you’re asking me, no. I never stop making music. I don’t know what else to tell you, except that I just don’t know [in] what capacity I want to be involved anymore.

EW: That sounds very final.
JT: No. All I’m saying is, in very simple terms, I’ll know when I know. And until I know, I don’t know.

I'm crying. But I also find it interesting that JT randomly picked December 21st. That happens to be my birthday. I'm pretty sure it means we're soul mates. Despite what this pesky restraining order says...

Uhm.....

Here's professional hot mess Lindsay Lohan visiting some kids at an LA homeless shelter. It shows what a narcissist Lohan is that she believes merely gracing these unfortunates with her presence is an act of charity. I can't read the paper that little girl is holding up but it probably reads "Can you believe this bitch?" or perhaps, "Haven't we suffered enough?"

Can someone please explain to me what wisdom or guidance Lohan could possibly extol to these kids? How to snort through your fortune? How to take opportunities that other, more deserving people would kill for and flush them down the toilet? How to go from one of the most sought after people in your profession to completely unemployable in the blink of an eye?

Bitch please.

"We Just Wanna Dance Again!"

Justin Timberlake at the NYC premiere of The Social Network

Did you see SNL this weekend? Katy Perry pretty much shat the bed and made a real case for the merits of lip syncing but also, my love, Justin Timberlake made a couple of cameo appearances. First, in a dream sequence in the opening monologue and then in a sketch called Actor II Actor in which Andy Samberg played a James Lipton-like character interviewing JT about his acting career. His first question? "When are you going to make some more music?" and as Justin storms off he pleads "We just wanna dance again!"

Word.

Andy Samberg pretty much said what we've all been thinking, right? We get it, JT. You wanna be a jack of all trades, you're a clothing designer, you've got a fragrance, you own a restaurant, I think you opened a golf course or some shit like that, yeah, I get it, you're an overachiever. If I didn't love you so much, I'd hate your ass. Howevs, it's time to return to your roots, and I don't mean your big blonde jew fro, I mean it's time to get your ass back in the studio and make some more music! A full album, not more collabos with Rihanna, Ciara and Timbo, I want at least ten tracks of JT and I want them right fucking now! FutureSexLoveSounds was a long time ago. Four years to be exact. A lot has happened in four years. Do you know that when most people hear "Justin" now, they immediately think of Bieber? He's a fetus! That shit ain't right, JT. It must be remedied!

A quick glance at your imdb page tells me that after this Facebook flick of yours, you've got a couple more movies on the go, Bad Teacher and Friends With Benefits. Since those are already in the can, I'll grant you those but after that, NO MORE MOVIES until you finish another album. That is an order!

Remember Justin, we just wanna dance again!

I Have No Reason For Posting This....

Other than it's David Beckham. Shirtless.

You're welcome.

Crap As We Know It

Not even baiting me with Josh Duhamel in his skivvies would lure me into the theatre to see this hot mess called Life As We Know It. Have you seen the trailer for this vom com? Allow me to summarize: Katherine Heigl and Josh Duhamel are set up on a date by their married friends. They hate each other instantly and vow to never see each other again. Fair enough. Then fast forward and the matchmaking couple is tragically killed, leaving their infant daughter an orphan. Hilarious!!!! But it gets even funnier! Who does the couple leave in charge of their orphaned child? Why, the two people who hate each other, of course! Katherine and Josh are then forced to move into their dead friends' home where crazy hijinks ensue as these ill-equipped idiots attempt to navigate the wacky waters that is parenting. Barf.


First of all, if, Dog forbid, any of my breeder friends died and left ME their offspring, I would take that as an obvious sign that a) they never really liked me very much and b) they evidently didn't like their baby very much either since it's well-known that my maternal instincts lie somewhere between those of Susan Smith and Andrea Yates. That aside, I give the side eye to any comedy whose whole plot depends on the tragic death of two new parents. Don't get me wrong, I'm not precious (based on the novel Push by Saphire) I can laugh and have laughed at pretty much anything but...really? However, the bigger problem is, you can already tell that, after much bumbling over dirty diapers and fighting over who has to change them, that Josh and Katherine are obviously going to end up together at the end, happily raising the orphan as their own. It's so fucking predictable and you can see coming a mile away. Shit, upon watching the trailer even Stevie Wonder was like "I can clearly see these two are gonna end up together at the end, yo."


Lame, predictable vom coms are made every day but what makes this one even more cringe-inducing is that it stars the smug bitch that is Katherine Heigl. I'm still scratching my head as to how she trashed the genuinely funny comedy that was Knocked Up, accusing it of being unfair to women, and then went on to make such cinematic gems as 27 Dresses, and The Ugly Truth, the latter of which featured the female empowering scene that was Katherine being tantalized by a vibrator controlled by a little boy whilst dining at a restaurant. And as she was with that movie, Katherine is an executive producer of Life As We Know It. Good to see her using her Hollywood clout to make interesting, complex stories about strong women. Eye roll.

If you're a masochist, check out the trailer for Life As We Know It below;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=32DB3GP96ag

Fucking a Tiger Gets You a TV Gig

Hey kids! If you're currently in school studying to work in the field of television, specifically entertainment 'journalism' put down your books, take off your panties and pray that a famous married man will land inside your vagina.

Rachel Uchitel has been announced as a new correspondent of the entertainment magazine show, Extra. If you have no clue who this trick is, let me refresh your memory - she was the first of about 43898 skanks that came forward to announce that she banged the big bag of douche that is Tiger Woods. Don't get me wrong, I'm not jealous that she's working on a show that boasts AC fucking Slater as its illustrious host but the whole thing is just indicative of the fucked up world in which we live. It used to be that banging a married a dirtbag would only get you a potential case of herpes and some bad karma but in our current climate, simply nailing a celebrity and then selling your story to the highest bidder is enough to make YOU a celebrity. I mean as douchey and gross as Tiger is, at least he has a genuine talent, you can't deny that the dude knows how to swing a club. It's just too bad he swung his dick around town with as much unbridled enthusiasm. But this Rachel chick? Does she possess any talent other than famewhoring? Writing? Singing? Juggling? Anything? Get inside the hand basket, friends. We are all headed for hell.

I Fucking Dare Tom Cruise to Call Jon Hamm 'Glib'

The man manly manliness that is Jon Hamm recently revealed to the UK mag, The Observer that he struggled in the past with chronic depression. If I was male and I looked like Jon Hamm, simply looking in the mirror would be enough to snap me out of any funk but alas, it seems it was a little more complicated than that. Hamm lost his father when he was 20-years-old, which would be devastating enough on its own but coupled with the fact that his mother had already died when Jon was just 10 and yeah, I guess that really fucking sucks.

Jon says he was able to overcome with the help of anti-depressants (cue Tom Cruise rushing to the Mad Men set with soapbox in hand in 3..2...) Of anti-depressants Jon says "You can change your brain chemistry enough to think: 'I want to get up in the morning; I don't want to sleep until four in the afternoon. I want to get up and ... go to work and ...' Reset the auto-meter, kick-start the engine!" Tom Cruise would recommend exercise instead of pills but I'm not sure if a few jumping jacks and a spin class are gonna assist in getting over the fact that, you know, your parents are fucking dead. I'd love to see Tommy Boy call Jon Hamm glib to his face. Of course he'd literally have to stand on that soapbox to be face-to-face with Jon since Mr. Hamm is about a foot taller than the elvish Tom (I ain't hatin' I dig short dudes)

In the same article Jon talks about his early days, working as a set dresser on soft core porn films. I'm gonna leave it at that. I need to be alone while images of Jon Hamm and porn penetrate my thoughts. Speaking of penetration, what I wouldn't give to have this man penetrate me.....

Marky Mark is a Fighter

Here's a production still from Mark Wahlberg's upcoming movie, The Fighter. The movie tells the story of real life boxer Irish Mickey Ward, a Boston-area welterweight best known for his several bouts with Arturo Gatti. Uhm...shirtless Mark Wahlberg? Boston accents? People beating the snot out of each other? I am SO seeing this film.

The Fighter is directed by David O'Russell who previously directed Marky Mark in Three Kings and I Heart Huckabees. He's also apparently well-versed in the art of fighting himself since he came to blows with George Clooney on the set of Three Kings and then went on to brawl with Lily Tomlin on the I Heart Huckabees set calling her a 'cunt'. Look for that shit on youtube, it is hilarious watching O'Russell and Tomlin go at it while the lovely Dustin Hoffman just sits there patiently waiting for the shitstorm to pass. Comedy gold.

Anyway, below is the trailer for The Fighter. It looks pretty decent and costars Christian Bale, who apparently, went back on his The Machinist diet for this role. Seriously, someone throw a fucking Oscar at this dude already, his body is gonna say 'fuck it, I quit this bitch' any day now. No wonder he can be a real grumpy pants on set!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_zijS_UAtw

Time for a Career Change

Remember back in high school when your guidance counselor attempted to assist you in determining what would be a suitable and satisfying career path for you? I feel more than a little ripped off that 'high class call girl' was never presented to me as a viable and lucrative option. Fuck you, Mrs. Kramer! Because if this week's issue of In Touch Weekly is to be believed, it is pretty much the best job. Of all time. Ever. This trick named Irma Nici says she was paid ten thousand dollars a night to lie down with David Beckham. Let me say this again because if you're like me, it didn't quite register the first time. David Beckham paid her ten thousand dollars to have sexy times with him. I know the sound I just heard was your mind being blown (and apparently, David Beckham being blown by a hooker)

Apparently they got together five times over the course of 2007 (that's 50 thousand mother fucking dollars for you mathletes keeping track) and each time he threw her a big bag of money to do what the vast majority of girls and gays would crawl across broken glass to do for free. Does anyone else find it interesting that whenever Davy boy has allegedly stepped out on his skeletal wifey that it's with a women with some actual meat on her bones? I mean this trick is alright I guess but she kinda looks like a Chola Jenny McCarthy. Whatevs.

Anyway, there you have it. Apparently if you're even just marginally attractive, a super hot sports superstar will pay you tens of thousands of dollars to stick it to you. David's likely pretty pissed right now though because, as we all know, when a dude hires a trick, he's not necessarily paying for the sex, he's paying her to fuck off after and to not talk about it. Bitch just broke the first rule of whore club. Call me David, I can keep a secret.

On a related note, I'm getting Mrs. Kramer back on the phone. A career change is certainly in order for me.

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

"Do you really want to hurt me? Do you really want to make me cry?"
George Alan O'Dowd

If I possessed the emotional capacity to experience feelings or had the physical ability to produce tears, they would be streaming down my face right now for today has brought most disturbing news indeed.

Caleb Followill, lead singer of Kings of Leon and star player in 89.7% of my dirtiest of dreams and most depraved fantasies has proposed to his girlfriend, model Lily Aldridge. I know, right? A rock star and a model? How novel, so not cliche whatsoever! Excuse me while I retrieve my eyeballs from the back of my head. Naturally, the bitch has accepted. Sadness. Today is going to be at least a five martini day as I struggle to deal with this most tragic of developments. Spoiler alert: I'm probably going to pass out in my own mess whilst KOL's Closer plays on repeat. So you know, just another Monday.

Dark days in North American history;

December 7, 1941
November 22, 1963
September 11, 2001
September 20, 2010