Pretty Girls

Here's Zac Efron and Sasha Baron Cohen as Bruno backstage at last night's MTV Movie Awards. When a flaming twink dressed as an angel looks more masculine than you, it's really time to pick up the scissors, no?

Andy Samberg Needs To Host Everything From Now On

Did you watch the MTV Movie Awards? MTV award shows, both movie and music video, have been steadily sucking more and more donkey balls as the years have gone on. I try to tell myself this is not because I'm getting older and further away from the MTV demographic (because frankly, I'm very immature) but because they actually suck. But last night MTV was back on its game and it's mostly because of this man...

Andy was the perfect host. From the cold open during which he ended up naked in a limo with Justin Timberlake (weird, I just had that dream the other night!) to his opening song featuring Cameron Diaz dancing and Fred Armisen getting an intervention, to the amazing duet with 'Neil Diamond' about how cool guys don't look at explosions, Andy was on fire. Did you hear when he introduced High School Musical's Vanessa Hudgens as the girl from the brave documentary about an all gay high school? Heh. Andy Samberg should host everything everywhere from now on. MTV should seriously toss his salad because Sambo saved the show from major suckage. But speaking of suckage, was anyone else annoyed as fuck as the black box MTV Canada had up in the bottom corner of the screen featuring twitters and tweets or whatever the fuck? WTF? Yeah, MTV Canada, I don't want to see everything that's happening on the stage, I'd much rather look at retarded ramblings like "OMG, Zac Efron is like, sooooo haaawwwwt!" Between that and the completely unwatchable cut ins they did from the MTV Canada studio, yikes! Did you see that episode of 30 Rock where Steve Martin and Tina Fey watch MTV Canada and Steve Martin says something to the effect of 'they just can't get anything right up there can they?' Word. 

Here are some of the notable moments from last night...


How amazing was it when Bruno floated out above the crowd only to land with his bare ass right in Eminem's face? Epic. We were laughing our faces off watching this spectacle. Everyone on the internet has been getting their panties in a knot about Eminem storming out in a rage, wondering if it was real or staged. Puhlease people, of course it was staged. Still funny as hell, though. I cannot wait to see the Bruno movie. In the meantime, click below to watch last night's glorious moment, hopefully it won't be pulled down by Viacom, not sure if they're as Gestapo-like as the Nazi Broadcasting Corporation.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x9gc0k_bruno-and-eminem-get-intimate-mtv-m_shortfilms

No surprise, Twilight swept all the awards for which it was nominated. I'm not a pimply 12-year-old girl waiting for her period to finally come so yeah, I don't care.



The medley of songs from Andy's legendary SNL Digital Shorts almost brought a tear to my eye. Right before this started up, I said to my friends "could you imagine if there was a medley?" and then as if Sambo himself heard my prayers, this hilarity ensued. Oscar winner Forest Whitaker singing Dick in a Box? Amazing.


Ugh. Shut the fuck up, Miley Virus. Of course this backwoods hillbilly thanked God in her speech. Honey, the fact that your annoying ass not only exists but makes more money in a day than I will make in my life is only further proof that God does not, in fact, exist.


Okay, Efron these man bangs of yours are getting right out of control. If they get any longer they're going to cover your eyes and then how will you be able to check out all the cute boys? Seriously though, cut your fucking hair! Maybe he should get the same amazing cut as that Jon and Kate Plus 8 beast woman? Nah, that's way too butch for young Zac.


Gah! Kings of Leon! These guys sound so amazing live unlike many, many other 'musicians.' If you're in Calgary, Edmonton or Vancouver, I hope you're seeing them this summer, you will not be disappointed. Let's look at Caleb now, shall we?


Sigh. My loins are on fire.


Speaking of loins on fire, how hot is Chris Pine? My ass really needs to see Star Trek. I cannot believe I just wrote that.


The guys from The Hangover presented. I've said it before and I'll say it again, you HAVE to see The Hangover when it opens this weekend. Epic.

At the beginning of the show, Andy said the musical stylings of Keyboard Cat would play off anyone whose speech ran long. I was looking forward to it but it never happened so because this post is getting too long, take it away Keyboard Cat....

I Don't Get It

Here's manbangs, or rather, boybangs enthusiast (and I probably don't just mean his hair) Zac Efron with the virginal Jonas Brothers. I'm sure a thousand tween girls and gays jizzed in their panties and manties at mere sight of this but I just don't get it. They do nothing for me. Not a single one of them. And it's not just because they're crazy young. I don't mind young. I'd hit Bristol Palin's 19-year-old baby daddy Levi Johnston pretty hard.

Young has its privileges and its benefits. I briefly enjoyed said privileges and benefits last summer until a move across the country (mine) cut our fun short. Boo hoo. Oh well, summer is coming once again and a whole new class will be graduating. THIS IS SOME THE GRADUATE SHIT!! 

Anyway, these guys do nothing for my lady bits. That one Jonai (who I think might be Nick but I'm not sure and I'm proud of the fact that I'm not sure) is sporting some major 80s mom hair while Zac Efron is just way too precious for me. He looks like the kind of guy who spends an hour carefully attending to his hair, styling it in a way that makes it look like didn't spend any time on it at all. I don't like a guy with more product in his hair than me. Plus, Zac doesn't look like he's capable of a real throw down. Sometimes a girl needs a good throw down .

Now, Levi Johnston on the other hand...


...this hot dumbass looks like he could take care of some business. 

It's Hard Out There for a Beard

Vanessa: You know, this charade has grown tiresome.

Zac: Just smile and gaze lovingly into my eyes. Our Disney contract specifically states you must lovingly gaze into my eyes at least four times during each public appearance. It's clause six amendment seven of the contract, don't make me pull it out and show you.

Vanessa: Oh honey, if you actually did pull it out every once in a while I'd be a lot happier pretending to be your girlfriend. Sigh.

Zac: Jesus Christ Vanessa give it a rest, Katie Holmes has been doing this for almost three years you don't hear her complaining.

Vanessa: You don't hear much from Katie Holmes the woman is a robot. There's no way I will...Wait a second, what's that I feel against my thigh. Zac? Hmmm....Hold on, Robert Pattinson just walked in, didn't he? Sigh.