Daily Male: Jude Law (of yesteryear)

Hey Jude...
What's happening to your looks?

Jude Law is not aging all that well, it's okay, it happens. But just a few years ago, Jude Law was People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive. The year was 2004 . I always laugh at the title Sexiest Man Alive, it's not like the guy is shot and killed after his reign, he's still alive when they choose someone else next year, ya know?



Anyway, remember 2004? In addition to People magazine, Jude Law was in every.single.movie that came out that year. My favourite was Alfie. Was it a particularly good movie? No, no it wasn't. Do I care? No, no I don't because Jude Law was a sexy, stylish bitch. It was like porn for a Jude Law fan. And that British accent? Shit yo, don't even get me started.

So let's remember those lazy, hazy, crazy days of 2004 and make Jude Law (of yesteryear) today's Daily Male. Here, have some man candy;







How pretty was he in The Talented Mr. Ripley? Very.




This man rocks the shit out a scarf, yes?

Eh Oh, Oh Eh

Remember Alyssa Milano?

Back in the halcyon days of Who's The Boss, I used to think she was soooo cool. Back then, my mom told me my parents almost named me Samantha and I HATED them so much for not following through with that because it would have meant I had the same first name as Samantha Micelli. Yeah, I'm over that now.

Apparenly Ms. Milano is a now published author, here she is with her new book Safe at Home. The title sounds like a really bad Lifetime movie. Those movies always have THE most horrendously cheesy titles, don't they? My favourite is one starring Tori Spelling. If that wasn't bad enough, the title was Mother, May I Sleep with Danger? Fo reals! That was the actual title! If I ever form a band, I'm calling us Mother May I Sleep With Danger. Don't go stealing that, I'll find your ass!

Anyway, Samantha Micelli's book is apparently about her lifelong love of baseball, which makes sense since her dad Tony played for the Arizona Cardinals before becoming Angela Bower's housekeeper.

ManBangs & Bass: A Love Story

Here's Chuck and Nate shooting a scene from an upcoming episode of Gossip Girl. You know these two had to be shot above the waist as to not display the raging erections they have for each other. (Sidenote: I walked into an elevator last night and a man was sporting a crazy boner. Uhm dude? Cover up that shit! Fuck!)

I know I've said this before but I'm just about ready to quit this stupid bitch of a show. Did you watch Gossip Girl Sunday night? Nate and Blair, who have about as much sexual chemistry as Tom Cruise and anyone with a vagina, are back together for no good reason other than the writers are bored and essentially hate our asses. Chuck and Vanessa are bumping uglies, too, probably for no other reason than they're dating in real life and they didn't want Dan and Serena to be the only people getting paid to make out with their offscreen boyfriend/girlfriend.

If they really want to add some spice to the show, Chuck and Nate need to start some hot mansexin'! Chuck is the only character with whom cardboard Nate has any chemistry. Just look at the photo above. Anyone got a knife? I'd like to cut this sexual tension. Am I right? I haven't seen homo tension like this since Maverick and Ice Man. THIS IS SOME TOP GUN SHIT!!!!!

Anyway, Chuckles addresses the homo heat between him and Natalia in the current issue of Rolling Stone saying;

“I made out with a girl in public. Maybe I need to have sex in public with a woman. ... It’s funny because I love this fucking dude dearly. I would die for this fucking dude. He’s my brother. But, by God, we are so into our fucking women it’s ridiculous.”

Uh huh.

The lady doth protest too much, methinks?

*nutmeg, apologies in advance if this fuels another Chuck Bass dirty dream. On second thought, I'm not sorry (;

Scottish BassTard

Ed Westwick at the Dressed to Kilt fashion show in NYC yesterday.

A friend of mine recently facebooked me and said of my love for Chuck Bass, "I can't believe you find this guy good-looking." And you know what? Sometimes I can't either, sometimes I'm not proud of my attraction to this dirty mother chucker.

This, however, is not one of those times. I would like to play his bag pipes if you're picking up what I'm putting down. I haven't finished my coffee so I don't even know if that makes any sense.

Pete Wentz LOLing Over Breakup Rumours

Pocket Rocker Pete Wentz is denying claims his marriage to Ashlee Simpson is in the toilet. Pocket Pete told some reporter at the Kids Choice Awards "I laugh at all of that stuff. ... It's just not true." Phew! Imagine the custody battle that would have ensued? It would have been a battle royale not seen since the likes of Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger. Except these two would not be brawling over their baby, the unfortunately-named Bronx Mowgli, they would be cage-fighting over custody of the flat iron.

Ashlee and Pocket Pete recently made out on stage at the MTV Australia awards and Pete told the crowd "sorry, we haven't seen each other in a while....we're going to go and find some quiet time and fornicate somewhere."

Now if you'll excuse me, I must go bathe in bleach. Between that imagery and the ShamWow hooker beatdown story, I feel very, very dirty. And not in the good way.

Will ShamWow Absorb Hooker Blood?

For the past week or so, some dude has been handing out free ShamWows on Toronto's Church Street. I'm walking home from work, and dude is in my face with the ShamWow, I'm strolling into Starbucks, and dude is all up in my grill with ShamWow. I always politely say "no thanks," partly because I really have no use for ShamWow in my life but mostly because the ShamWow commercial guy freaks me the fuck out. He's SO intense. Like, intensity in ten cities, intense. He makes me feel like if I don't order ShamWow, he will kill my family in front of my face, ya know?

Anyway, I'm regretting passing on those free ShamWow's because apparently they have all kinds of uses. Like, par example, cleaning up a hooker's blood after you beat the living shit out of her for trying to bite off your tongue Hannibal Lecter-style. Multi-purpose! I can only hope that man is still peddling those free ShamWow's on Church St. because I'll take ten, thank you very much!

Anyway, on to the romantic comedy that is ShamWow Guy and the Hungry, Hungry Hooker......

These classy, refined and elegant images upon which you are feasting your eyes are the mugshots of Vince, the ShamWow guy and prostitute Sasha Harris taken after their romantic rendezvous in Miami last month. Apparently it was your classic love story; boy meets girl, boy pays girl for sex, girl attempts to bite off boy's tongue, boy Ike Turners the shit out of girl. You know, that old chestnut.

According to police reports, the two met at a club then headed back to a hotel where he paid her ass a thousand dollars to do sexytimes to him. (Sidenote: A thousand fucking bucks?! For THAT trick?? In this recession, no less? Methinks I need to re-evaluate my career options) Vince then kissed Sasha to get the party started (another sidenote: who the fuck kisses a prostitute? Somebody needs to rent Pretty Woman!) Anyway, during kissytimes, Sasha allegedly bit down on Vince's tongue and would not let up. Maybe Vince had fava beans and a nice Chianti for dinner and Sasha could taste the remnants and went Lecter? Vince then flew into a rage, knowing without his tongue, he could no longer earn his livelihood screaming the praises of ShamWows and SlapChops, and started ShamPowing a bitch. If the intensity in which he sells ShamWow is at all indicative of the intensity in which he beats a bitch, Sasha was tasting some serious pain. After the epic bitedown/beatdown,Vince ran screaming into the hotel lobby. The night ended with both their asses getting arrested.

Exhausted yet? This isn't even the craziest part of the story. Have a drink and keep reading...



Turns out Vince is a former Scientologist (that explains his scary Tom Cruise-like intensity!) and was once kicked out of the 'religion.' How crazy does your ass have to be to get kicked out of that wacky cult? These are people who believe in alien warlords for shit's sake! Getting kicked out of crazytown for being too crazy has gotta fuck with your self esteem. Apparently it had something to do with some low-budget movie he made involving Slash (?) Joey Buttafuco (??) and eventually some kind of Scientology kangaroo court presided over by a 14-year-old judge? I know, right? WTF?

Click below for more details because frankly, I'm already too confused and spent and I must find that free ShamWow guy on Church Street before it's too late! One never knows what next weekend will bring!

http://gawker.com/5190402/the-hooker+beating-shamwow-guy-is-a-renegade-ex+scientologist?skyline=true&s=i

So, That Explains It

So JT was on Oprah on Friday, all sexy and bespectacled....



Me likey!

Me also likey how he shot down rumours he and Jessica Bile are engaged. Word is, in reality, he's actually looking for an escape hatch outta that relationship. No doubt, Bile's shehulk arms will make this a difficult endeavour for our intrepid Timberlake.

Mr. JT also explained that Jessica Bile is like a "muse" to him. I'd been wondering why his ass has not been in the studio working on the followup to 2006's FutureSexLoveSounds and apparently I've just Matlocked the reason. He needs to unload that trick and start making some music in between popping up on Saturday Night Live and designing clothes.

Speaking of, JT also said Jessica is a muse for the designers at his clothing label, William Rast. Je ne comprends pas. Colour me confused, I've said it before and I'll say it again; how does someone as fashion forward as JT, whom GQ magazine picked as the most stylish man, date someone responsible for such atrocities as these...




Anyway, enough of that shit.

Click below for some behind-the-scenes action from Oprah featuring JT talkin' about why golf is like sex for him. I hate golf, I need to be at LEAST five vodkas in for me to even entertain the idea of playing golf, it's just so frustrating!!! But for JT, I'd swing a club or two. I tried to make that sound like a euphemism for something sexy but it's Monday morning and I am, le tired.

http://www.oprah.com/media/20090327_sas_justin-timberlake-video

What Do Juno?

Did you watch the Juno Awards last night? I thought last year's show in Calgary was better but maybe it was because I was there and not on the couch in my sweats? Or it could be because two years in a row with Russell Peters as host is two years too much.



I know Russell Peters has made a fuck load of money with his standup comedy, he's sold out Toronto's ACC and recently performed for 15 thousand people at London's O2 arena. That's London, England, not Ontario, btw, but I do not find this dude funny. Please tell me I'm not the only one? Cancer is funnier than Russell Peters. It's like, you're brown, WE GET IT!

Michael Buble summed it up wonderfully during their backstage banter:

Michael Buble: Knock Knock
Who's there?
Brown people. Now give me a million dollars.

That pretty much sums it up, right? I hope CTV picks another host next year. The Buble would be a good choice. I could see him being very Timberlake in his approach.

Russell Peters' success doesn't puzzle me quite as much as Nickelback's success. The band opened the show with one of their douche jams, the title of which I could not be bothered to look up, and then went on to win three awards...



I don't know if I could date a guy who liked Nickelback. Like, if I met a dude who had all the right ingredients; smart, witty, Arrested Development enthusiast, ambitious, sushi aficionado, cute, sexy, but who also liked Nickelback, I'd really have to dig deep to overlook that shit. In the end it might be a deal breaker like being a smoker or homophobic. Being a Nickelback fan is right up there with those most unappealing of traits.

Anyway the show wasn't without its highlights...
The Stills picked up two Junos at the pre-show Saturday night and at the big show, performed their awesome song, Being Here.



I listen to this song every morning as I walk to work. Loves it.

City and Colour and Gord Downey coming together for Sleeping Sickness was also a highlight.



Anytime Serena Ryder performs is good news bears...



And finally, I'm pretty sure there's something very wrong with me because I find Hedley's Jacob Hoggard oddly appealing in a 'I'd hit that but then lie about it after' kinda way.



I know, I know. I'm not proud of it. Doesn't make it any less so, though.

Richard Dean Anderson Would Be Proud Of Paula

Paula Abdul at Saturday's Kids Choice Awards.

People say this broad is nuttier than squirrel shit and that may be true but you have to give her credit for industrious creativity. I mean, even in her vodka and Vicodin haze, bitch managed to not only break free from her restraints but also fashion them into a red carpet ensemble.

 THIS IS SOME MACGYVER SHIT!!!!!!!!!!

Miley's Got the Right Idea

Here's Miley Virus at the Kids Choice Awards. I don't know what she's holding over her eyes but I do know two more of them would make that mug of hers somewhat tolerable.

Denim Tuxedouche

Here's Pocket Rocker Pete Wentz at last night's Kids Choice Awards. That flat iron of his never gets the night off, does it?

What Kids Chose This?

*Shudder*

Tori Spelling, Lisa Rinna and Lisa's Busted Asshole Lips at last night's Kids Choice Awards. I'm not sure what the kids did to deserve this but it must have been pretty bad cause I doubt any kids chose this.

Someone also needs to tell Tori that it doesn't matter how much she starves herself, that face will always cancel it out. Have a Big Mac Tori, for reals.

Dear Rum Diary...

Here's Johnny Depp in Puerto Rico on set of his upcoming movie The Rum Diary. I would switch from vodka to rum for the Depp. Can you believe dude is 45 years old? Yowza.

Captain Douche of the SS Massengill

I'm on a boat motherfucker!

John Mayer aboard the Mayercraft Carrier today. I'm not making this shit up, he's actually performing on a boat named the Mayercraft Carrier.

Thank you John Mayer, thank you.

Daily Male: Justin Timberlake

It's been a bitch of a week. When you roll out of bed Monday morning on three hours sleep with a hangover, it pretty much sets the tone for the rest of the week, ya know?

So I'm going to treat myself with today's Daily Male - Justin Timberlake.

JT is on Oprah today. I won't catch it but I know my friend Scotty is all over it, he's taping it and perhaps we will watch that shit together on Sunday night. A better way to ease into the new week than the pounding back of vodka sodas and spanking of some hockey player of last Sunday night.

I've already said too much, let's get to the eye candy, shall we? Indeed.

Aaaah it was right around the time of this 2003 Rolling Stone cover that I was justified and stopped hating JT. I'll never forget the day. It was a Wednesday.



Shortly after my justification I had the good fortune to see JT and the Stones at that SARS benefit concert. Those halcyon days of SARS were awesome - concerts, cheaper flights. BRING BACK SARS!!

I like what's going on below here almost enough to ignore the fact that these are THE fugliest jean shorts I've ever had the mispleasure on which to lay my eyes.

Have you seen the Ciara video for Love Sex Magic featuring Justin? Check it out below. Caliente!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zTYT-SiZeFo

Maybe He Should Have Put Charles in Charge of His Finances?

This is former Eight is Enough and Charles in Charge star Willie Aames holding a garage sale at his home in Kansas. Turns out his ass is straight up broke and he recently declared bankruptcy. Sounds like all that 80s sitcom money went up his nose. Cut to Lindsay Lohan's garage sale in ten years.

Anyway, it doesn't look like Willie has anything to worry about, this garage sale should put him in good financial shape again, what with all these quality items for sale and all;