Wouldn't You Just Love to Carve This Up?

And the pumpkin, too. I guess.

Yesss!!! Levi Johnston to Whip out His Johnson for Playgirl!

We already knew the hottest and dumbest teenaged baby daddy in the game, Levi Johnston, was gonna shed some threads for Playgirl but we didn't know just how nekkid this backwoods boy toy was gonna get. Well friends, now we do. Levi has confirmed that he's going to hang out with his wang out, rock out with his cock out. His manager Tank (cause everyone associated with these yahoos has to have a fucking name like this) broke the news to TMZ, saying "Everything's gonna hang out, we're talking full johnson." Sidenote: If I ever achieve any kind of infamy, I'm hiring Tank as my spokesman. I think we'd get along just fine. Anyway back to young Levi....

Playgirl magazine only exists online these days which is perfect! I mean, how much of a douche would you feel like actually buying the magazine? This way you can enjoy touching yourself to the image of Levi's illegitimate baby maker without having to put on pants or leave the house! And an online version is a great way to avoid the inevitable sticky pages with which the magazine version would surely be fraught. Brilliant.

Levi will slide out of his levis for Playgirl's December issue. Looks like Christmas won't be the only thing coming that month! I'm gonna down a morning after pill with a vodka soda once I'm done looking at his spread though. This manwhore is dumber than a sack of hammers and the dumb ones are always the most fertile. A gal can never be too safe!

Why Hello There!

When I was going through the photos from the Rome Film Festival I came across this dashing young lad sporting this jaunty chapeau. Don't you just want him to cheerily toss you a rolled up newspaper? And of course by 'rolled up newspaper' I mean 'his pants.' Dude is adorable.

The photo caption tells me his name is Edward Hogg. I want to know more.

Bow Down to The Queen

Here's Dame Helen Mirren at the Rome Film Festival. This silver fox looks better than me and she is 64 years old. Amazing. WTF is her secret? If she's had work done, it's damn good work. Mark my words, Lindsay Lohan will not be looking anywhere near this good at Helen's age. Of course that's assuming bitch makes it past 35 which, let's face it, is a pretty big assumption. Drugs are bad, kids!

I Have No Real Reason For Posting This

Other than it's Neil Patrick Harris looking mighty fiiine in a tux.

Is it wrong that I want Doogie Howser to be my gyno? Since the NPH is a geigh, it would be the only way he would get anywhere near my lady bits. Le sigh.

Who's Gonna Yell "Whatcha Gonna Do With Your Life" Now?

Sadness.

Captain Lou Albano, he of rubber-banded beard, known by many as a former wrestler and manager, but by 80s girls more as Cyndi Lauper's dad in the Girls Just Wanna Have Fun video, has died. Lou had been in the hospital but was just released into hospice care prior to his death. His rep would only say Lou died of natural causes.

Captain, you may have peaced out to the big wrestling ring in the sky but as Cyndi herself would say "Oh daddy dear you know you're still number one!"

I hope wherever Lou is now, he's having fun! Tell Ed, Farrah, Michael and Patrick we say 'what up?!"

And just because it always brings the smiles, let's hop in the DeLorean to 1984...below is the video for Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F0x8BLOrEtI&feature=player_embedded

RIP

Captain Lou Albano

1933- 2009

Justin Time For My Turkey Hangover

It's Mr. JT. This is just what I need today after pigging out on two Thanksgiving dinners last night. Yesterday I was thankful for friends and family. Today I will be thankful for laxatives and coffee.

My boy is in Vegas hosting the Justin Timberlake Shriners Hospitals for Children tournament. JT has three chances to sink a hole in one, if he does Callaway will donate a million bucks to Shriners Hospitals.

Speaking of Justin and holes, some friends and I were recently discussing whether we think Justin Timberlake is good in the sack. I maintain that, as a wicked dancer, he probably has mad skillz because he's got all kinds of sick moves. My friends offered that while that might be the case, he is probably selfish in bed, that it would be all about him. I can see that, too. Yes, we actually spent a good deal amount of time dissecting this. Make of that what you will.

Another pic of JT below. Just because.

I'd like to see Justin with more facial hair. Embrace the scruff, JT!

Does This Dude Have a Diamond Dick?

File this under: Things I Do Not Understand (it's a very big file which includes folders entitled "Math" and "The Appeal of Katherine Heigl")

Actress Emmy Rossum is dating Counting Crows frontman Adam Duritz. I'm not exactly a fan of Emmy Rossum and I could not listen to Mr. Jones enough in high school but shit yo, she's dating that guy?

Emmy is 23 and Adam is 45. Also, did you know his dreadlocks are fake? True story. Like, as if it's not bad enough when we cracker ass white people grow dreadlocks but to wear fake ones? Unforgivable!

Duritz has previously dated both Jennifer Aniston and Courteney Cox.

Dude must have a diamond dick. That's the only explanation.

Sharon is the Shit

Here's Sharon Osbourne celebrating her birthday in Dublin.

I can't help but love this bitch. Yes, it was probably Bad Idea Jeans to whore out her family to reality television which likely resulted in the drug addictions of two of her kids but I just can't hate on this feisty lady. J'adore her! I mean, bitch has sent shit to people! Like, she put an actual turd in a Tiffany box, wrapped it up and sent it to someone she hated as a gift!

That shit automatically makes Sharon my hero. My friend and I once attempted to send excrement to some stupid twat we hated at work. We were going to take a dump in a mug, wrap it up and leave it on this trick's desk. Then we got paranoid, fearing advancements in DNA testing (we've seen our fare share of Law and Order episodes, thank you very much) would prove we were the culprits and result in our firings and possible arrests. So, we decided to use dog shit instead. So, cut to both of us in a fucking dog park in the middle of the night, trolling for shit! However, it was dark and we were without flashlights and we couldn't distinguish clumps of mud from actual turds. We tried to park as close as we could to capitalize on the illumination from our car's headlights but it was not enough. Alas, it was not to be. Sigh. I'll never be as awesome as Sharon Osbourne. Sad face.

Farewell To (Zombie) Arms?

I say this with all due respect to Madonna and the admiration of her that comes with any 80s child, but you know how her arms are the stuff of terrifying nightmares? The kind that wake you in the night shivering whilst also drenched in sweat? The kind that have you calling out for your mommy even though she's in another province? The kind that creep into your conscious mind and have you frightened even during daylight hours? Well friends, the recurring nightmare that are Madge's arms might be coming to an end. Yes, something else to be thankful for this Thanksgiving weekend!

Word on the street and in the gym (yeah, like I go there) is that Madonna has fired her personal trainer of three years Tracy Anderson. Madonna has apparently grown tired of Tracy's baggage, whatever the hell that means and apparently Tracy wants to spend more time with her son. I don't care why they're not working together anymore, just that there's a possibility we'll no longer be subjected to images like these....

Btw, below is a link to Tracy Anderson's official website, just in case you want to send her receipts in an effort to get a refund for all the Ambien you had to take in order to get a good night's sleep after seeing Madonna's zombie arms.

http://tracyandersonmethod.com/

And just because it's Thanksgiving and I'm in a the giving spirit, I'll leave you with some images of Madonna back when she looked like she still had some estrogen coursing through her body. After all, you have a turkey to eat, you need your appetites! Let's hope Madonna has regained hers. Seriously Madge, have a cookie! They're delish!

Giving Thanks

Happy Thanksgiving, Bitches!

Hope you're passed out on the couch in a tryptophan and wine haze at some point during the weekend. Now is the time of year when we like to think about the things for which we're thankful. Below, in no particular order, are some of mine. Gobble Gobble!