The Grammys

I am an awards show junkie so of course my ass turned into the Grammy awards last night. Although they should really be called the Granny Awards because what the fuck was with Robert Plant and Alison Krauss winning album of the year? Over Coldplay? Over Radiohead? Really? And why the hell was Stevie Wonder performing with the Jonas Brothers? Have some respect for yourself, Stevie! I know you're blind but you're not deaf too are you?

Below are other random thoughts about the Grannies.


I was on my way home from a weekend road trip so unfortunately I missed my boys from Dublin. I love U2 but I'm not overly devastated about missing their performance. I keep trying to like their new song but when I hear it, I just want to 'get on my boots' and walk out the door. I'm sorry Robyn and Tara, I'm trying!!!!!


How awesome was Radiohead with the University of Southern California's marching band? Seriously!


Jordin Sparks was nominated for her song No Air featuring Chris Brown. No air is apparently what Chris Brown's girlfriends get when he's got his hands around their throats.


JT + TI = Jizz in my pants. Although TI has really got to lose that stupid cap of his. His pants, too.

Ike Turner Called. He Wants His Schtick Back.

Wondering why Chris Brown and Rihanna didn't perform at the Grammys as scheduled? Apparently they were too busy starring in a remake of the 1993 Tina Turner biopic What's Love Got to Do With It over the weekend.

LAPD were called out early Sunday morning after Chris Brown and an unidentified woman, who may or may not have been his girlfriend Rihanna got into some domestic Disturbia during which Chris apparently listened to his inner Olivia Newton John and 'got physical' on her ass. The woman called police and but Chris decided to 'run it' and was gone by the time cops arrived. Chris later turned his own ass into police, was booked on a felony and released on 50 thousand dollars bail.

Hmm...I think Chris Brown is a cutie and I enjoy his dance floor jams but if this shit is true, he's obviously a major league douchebag. Even Christian Bale is like "Fuck dude, you should go to some fucking anger management classes."

Chris Brown currently appears in ads for Doublemint gum. Kelloggs showed Michael Phelps' dolphin ass the door over some harmless pot, so if it's found Chris Brown did indeed beat a bitch, Wrigley's gum best quit him. I don't think backhanding your girlfriend's face qualifies as doubling your pleasure or doubling your fun.

Daily Male: Gordon Shumway aka ALF

Gordon Shumway was livin' large on planet Melmac with his bitch Rhonda until his spaceship straight up crashed into the backyard of the Tanner family who adopted him as their own and renamed his ass ALF. Lots of hilarity and shenanigans ensued particularly involving ALF and the family's cat Lucky. Seemed ALF liked to eat cats. I really want to make a cunnilingus joke here but it's Sunday night and I'm oh so tired.



This weekend some friends and I gathered around and watched several episodes of ALF. My one friend and I initially bonded over our mutual appreciation for the show, specifically the episode in which young Brian Tanner appears in a school play, The Nutritional Follies, and sings the praises of asparagus. Literally.



"Asparagus! Asparagus! Put it on your table. Asparagus! Asparagus! Will make you feel more able!"



So in honour my ALF weekend, this alien life form who loves the taste of kitty cat is today's Daily Male.

OctoMommy is Crazy. In Other News, Water is Wet.

If you'd like a side of batshit fucking insanity with your toast and coffee on Monday morning, might I suggest watching the Today show? That nuttier than squirrel shit woman who recently birthed a litter of eight babies will be on the show presumably spilling crazy out of her mouth. On Friday the show offered a preview of Ann 'whisper talker' Curry's interview with the scrambled eggs brains mother of 14 MOTHERFUCKING KIDS.

Apparently the OctoMommy, Nadya Suleman, has always wanted a big family because she was an only child. Shit yo, I'm an only child, does this mean I am going to wake up one day and and want to turn my vagina into a clown car? I'm scared.

OctoMommy says she longs for children because she had a dysfunctional childhood. Yet the single mom to 14 MOTHERFUCKING KIDS continues to live at home with her parents who are helping her raise her litter. Makes sense.

Nadya is currently unemployed and has been on disability from her counseling job after a workplace accident. She says she will be able to afford her 14 MOTHERFUCKING KIDS because she's going to go back to school in the fall and earn her masters in counseling. Yeah, a single mother of 14 MOTHERFUCKING kids under the age of seven obtaining her master's degree seems like a pretty easy thing to do. Also, my ass needs to switch careers because counselors apparently earn millions a year now? Scrambled Eggs Brains didn't elaborate on how she plans to support her 14 MOTHERFUCKING kids while she's earning said masters, probably cause she didn't think this clusterfuck of a situation through, but she did say this;

"I'm loving them unconditionally, accepting them unconditionally... I'll stop my life for them and be present for them and hold them and be with them."

Anyone else think this bitch should have adopted a puppy instead? I don't have kids and I don't know if I want them but I'm pretty fucking sure being lonely, needy, starved for love, having no income, living with your parents and oh yeah, being fucking crazy doesn't add up to the best reason to have kids. And this woman is a counselor? Remind me not to go to her with my probs! In the meantime, someone please hang a "Closed. Going out of Business" sign on her uterus.

Quit Playin' Games (with my eyes)

When I think of Nick Carter I think of a bloated frat douche former boybander who used to put his hotdog in Paris Hilton's herp-ridden hallway vagina. So colour me confused when I see these images of Nick Carter in the latest issue of People magazine...





Are my eyes playing tricks me or is Nick Carter like, hot? He kinda looks a bit date rapey, especially in that second photo but he could serve me a Roofie Colada any day.

I feel so dirty. Must shower. Scalding hot water......

Hey Mickey You're So Fine, You're So Fine You Blow My Mind (and by that I mean you make me want to blow my brains out)

Mickey Rourke. There are no words.

Robyn, please tell me you see this.

He's Got the Magic Stick

50 Cent is apparently coming out with a line of vibrators that will be modeled after his own schlong. Fiddy reportedly told some British tabloid "I don't know if big is better because I'm not sure a man wants his woman playing with a really big dildo."


Interesting. Apparently 50 thinks this new product is a great way for his female fans to get a feel for what it would be like to have sex with him. I think I'd rather have this than the real thing. 50's been shot in the face so many times he might think his lady wants to be shot in the face too. Personally, I think that's just plain disrespectful, ya know? It's where I draw the line. Just.No.

Anyway, who I really think needs to come out with his own sex toy is Mark Wahlberg. If his acting career hits the skids (which, let's be honest, is beginning to happen) I think my Boston boyfriend should release his own line of Marky Mark's Good Vibration Vibrators, no?




I think the vibrators should come with voice technology that would feature Mark saying "Can you feel it baby? Yeah, I can too." If this actually happened, I would probably never leave the house again.

She's Just Not That Into The Blonde

Here's my girlcrush ScarJo at the He's Just Not That Into You premiere sporting some brown hair.




Scarlett and I are obviously soulmates because I recently dyed my hair brown as well. Because I'm naturally blonde that shit faded fast so I had to redo it. Now it's crazy dark brown. I look like a Goth chick. I should be wearing white pancake makeup with black lipstick and screaming at my parents about how much I hate them. I'm not sure how I feel about this brown hair of Scarlett's or this brown hair of mine but come summer I have a feeling both of us will be blonde again. I do know that I'm just not that into this dress of hers although I do give her props for finding a clever way to repurpose my late grandmother's curtains. How recycly of her!

Jude Looks Like a Lady

No this isn't a disheveled Katie Holmes. This is Jude Law, or Judy Law, in drag for an upcoming role. For the first time in his life, Tom Cruise finds himself attracted to his wife for some strange reason.

SNEAKy BASStard

My boyfriend appears in a new advertisement for K-Swiss. I don't agree with this. When have we ever seen Chuck Bass rocking sneakers? If Chuck Bass is going to be the face of any product, it should be his own line of bow ties. They would be called Bro Ties.







That last suit is ten kinds of awesome. Sparkly!

Daily Male: Joel McHale (hey, that rhymes!)

I'm not so swift with the mathematics (or 'mazz' as my Dad calls it. WTF?) but there are a few equations I've got figured out....

Hot Dude + Smoking = Dealbreaker

Vodka + Soda = My Mouth

Me + Positive Pregnancy Test = Coat Hanger

Smart + Funny = Sexy

The last equation is why Joel McHale is today's Daily Male.










As host of The Soup, this sarcastic bitch tears into everyone and everything under the sun. Tyra Banks and her drive-in movie theatre screen forehead is a favourite target as are the erection killing harpies of The View. I love it. Plus Joel is responsible for introducing me to Spaghetti Cat and for that I'll be forever grateful.

She's Just Not That Into Food

Jennifer Connelly at the He's Just Not That Into You premiere....



I think her eyebrows are the heaviest part of her body.
Jennifer darling, cookies are good. So is ice cream. True story.

AW HELLS NO!

Ugh. Here's my Gossip Girl boyfriend Chuck Bass sucking face with that annoying twat Vanessa. I heard these two were bumping their genitals together off the set and I was hoping it was just BITCH BOGUS but here they are. Ugh.

Vanessa doesn't even look like she's really into it. SQUID BRAINS!!1!!!
I'm totally going to go 'Christian Bale' on someone's fucking ass today!

Is everyone on this set doing the nasty in real life?

I'm Just Not That Into This Weird Bow Trend

Here's Drew Barrymore at the premiere of, what looks like a giant cinematic turd, He's Just Not That Into You.





This weird bow trend has got to stop. It's not flattering, it makes it look like she's got a droopy booby.

I am totally into her ponytail though, it looks like it sways back and forth when she walks. Fun!

Got it Bad, Got It Bad, Got it Bad...Dan's Hot for Teacher

Woah.

Did you watch Gossip Girl last night? My show totes redeemed itself after a lot of ball suckery as of late.

Blair was at her scheming, conniving, bitchy finest, Dorota rocked some fierce shades, Vanessa barely spoke, my boyfriend Chuck Bass got a hot hair cut and Dan Humphrey totally boned his teacher! How very Mary Kay Letoureau and Vili Fualaau of them! Although, not really, because that punk ass teacher looks to be about 13-years-old. Hi, Gossip Girl casting department? Maybe don't cast an actress who looks younger than the main characters to play the teacher? Just a thought...



The teacher is annoying as all hell so if getting banged by equally annoying Dan Humphrey is the only way to shut these two assholes up, I support it.

Daily Male (and Meltdown): Christian Bale

Have you heard the audio of that hot piece of ass Christian Bale losing his shit all over the DP on the set of Terminator: Salvation? Apparently the DP accidentally walked into the shot while trying to adjust a light and Christian went American Psycho on his ass, dropping about a thousand F Bombs. If he threw a few C Bombs in there for good measure, I'd say we're soulmates. Seriously though, Christian puts on an impressive display of douchebaggery. Could you imagine if the guy would have dissed Huey Lewis and the News? Shit, he would have got an axe right to the head!

"I think their undisputed masterpiece is "Hip to be Square", a song so catchy, most people probably don't listen to the lyrics. But they should, because it's not just about the pleasures of conformity, and the importance of trends, it's also a personal statement about the band itself."
Patrick Bateman, American Psycho

So in honour of his exploding verbal diarrhea, Christian Bale is today's Daily Male.
Cut and paste this shit below to listen to him freak the fuck out. I'd link it but for some reason the link feature is not working. Time for my own Christian Bale FREAKOUT!!!

www.aolcdn.com/tmz_audio/020209_christianbale.mp3

I don't know what disturbs me more, that one of my favourite actors is acting like a dick or that I'm totally turned on by it?
The way Bale swears got me bothered and hot and I jizz in my pants.


Is it wrong that I find this hot?


My favourite scene from American Psycho. Yes, I need help.

Apparently gaydar is like George Clooney....It gets better with age.

I like to pride myself on having what I believe to be some pretty finely tuned gaydar. That said, I have been wrong on a couple of occasions. One incident stands out in particular;

Years ago, while I was still married, I was at a club with some girlfriends tearing up the dance floor when an attractive, young gentleman sidled up and started dancing with me. He had some pretty sweet moves for a white boy and he knew all the words to the top 40 dance gems of the day along with some 80s classics. We bonded over Michael Jackson and as we danced to Madonna I thought "look at this fabulous new friend I've made." My friend Scott had recently moved away and I was vulnerable and looking to fill the gaping hole in my soul his absence had created. After a few songs, my new friend offered to buy me a drink. I accepted because our impressive dance display had left me parched and also because I never turn down free vodka. We stood at the bar, chatting, drinking for a while and then he asked for my number. Without a second thought I found a scrap piece of paper and jotted down my digits. As I handed him the piece of paper, he noticed my wedding ring. His face grew confused as he looked from the ring, to my face and back to my ring. "Uhm...are you married?" he asked with a disgusted tone. "Uhm yeah," I replied wondering why this would pose a problem. And as he shook his head and walked away I suddenly realized "Oh, this dude is not gay. He doesn't want to fill the hole in my heart caused by Scotty's departure. He actually wants to, well, fill my hole."

But aside from an incident or two like this (and I still don't know if the aforementioned incident even counts because I stand by the belief that boy was gay, he just might not have known or accepted it yet) I think I can pick a homosexual out of a crowd (Vin Diesel I'm looking at you) So imagine my reaction recently when I randomly stumbled upon these old photos of George Michael....





WTF?!? How the hell was I, or any of us, surprised when George Michael confirmed he was gay? Shit Stevie Wonder was probably like "no shit he's gay you retards, even I can see that!"

Mika Makes it Better

I have many hopes and dreams for 2009. I hope the economy gets back on track, Canadian soldiers stop dying in Afghanistan, Kanye West's CAPS LOCK key remains in tact, doctors start recommending eight glasses of vodka a day, the list goes on.

Also on my list is a new album from Mika. His first album, Life in Cartoon Motion was one of my favourites of 2007, I could not get enough of Mika's sugary sweet catchy pop jams, they could even turn my day around. There were moments during 2007 when I seriously wanted to go "Greyhound bus" on a few people (which is strange because the Greyhound beheading didn't happen until 2008) but I believe Mika's music stopped me. I could be in the most heinous, homicidal of moods and then Grace Kelly, Love Today or Big Girl (You are Beautiful) would come on my Ipod and suddenly instead of sharpening a large kitchen knife while plotting revenge strategies, I was riding a rainbow-coloured unicorn through cotton candy clouds. I wanted to wear brightly-coloured clothes and dance in formation with strangers through cobblestone streets made of chocolate chip cookies before we all held hands and sang a rousing rendition of Kumbaya.

"I could be brown, I could be blue, I could be violet sky, I could be hurtful, I could be purple I could be anything you like..."

Seriously, you can't hear that song and still want to kill someone! I know Mika has been working on material for his followup album but I can't find a release date. Please, please let this album come out this year! Mika saves lives!

Evan Rachel Not Tongue Wresting with The Wrestler

After the SAG awards last weekend, rumours were swirling that 21-year-old Evan Rachel Wood was spotted swapping spit with the busted face of her The Wrestler co-star, 56-year-old Mickey Rourke. Not so says Wood. She told Rolling Stone:

“I'm upset because I feel disrespected by the press and by Mr. Rourke.. I’m not attracted to him. He’s too old for me. Nothing ever happened and nothing ever will."

Snap!

Honey, before you go getting all outraged, understand how we may have been tempted to believe that you were making out with Mickey and his ground beef face. You did, after all, date this guy.....

Michael Phelps is a Dumbass

Not because he smoked pot but because he got caught.

This weekend, the UK tabloid News of The World printed a photo Olympic gold medallist and all around genetic wonderboy Michael Phelps enthusiastically taking a bong hit like he was Paris Hilton and the bong was a big cock. Actually, scratch that reference, I've seen her tape and bitch answered her celly in the middle of giving a BJ. If I was Rick Solomon, her costar, I would have been like 'bitch get your ass back to work, they don't call this a job for nothing.' Man, Paris truly does suck at everything, even sucking.

Anywhore, the News of The World ran a story about Phelps' pot smokage at a party back in November. A 23-year-old dude smokes weed?!?! WHAT? Next you're going to tell me water is wet. My whole belief system is shattered! Up is down, black is white, right is left.

I can't wait for all the uptight, puritanical, holier than thou people to rage out about how Michael Phelps is a horrible role model. Personally, I could not care less. It's not like dude was snorting lines off a whore's ass and even then I wouldn't care. The guy has spent an ungodly amount of time in the pool training and after rocking the fuck out of the Olympics, he's entitled to blow off some steam, I think anyway. Unless he's doing something that harms others, I don't fucking care. I don't understand people who hold up sports figures, or any celebrity as role models. Michael Phelps' job was to kick some crazy ass in the pool. He did that. The fact that he gets down with Mary Jane after the fact doesn't detract from his accomplishments. I don't think he owes anyone anything else. Hell, I love Justin Timberlake but I'd be willing to put money on him being an insufferable bag of douche. I don't care. I don't want to be his friend, I want that bitch to churn out more sweet dance floor jams, put on a suit and dance like the sex dance monkey he is. I don't give a shit what he does behind closed doors. I might make fun of him for it and it might kill my ladybone for him but I wouldn't let it determine whether or not I listened to his music.

However, I suppose when you're paid millions of dollars by corporations to be the face and image of their products, they pretty much own your ass. Which explains why Phelps' people DESPERATELY tried to stop this story from making it to press, pretty much offering up Michael Phelps in front of them on his knees (and not for beggin' if you're pickin' up what I'm puttin' down)

Michael Phelps has of course issued the expected apology for his behaviour. I'd have more respect for him if he was like "Dudes, I'm 23, I'm having fun. Fuck off." And then slapped a bitch with one of his eight gold medals. I guess endorsement money talks though.


Next time, dumbass, just make sure nobody's pulling out a camera. Seriously.