Waking Up With the Kings

If you're like me you've dreamed of waking up with Caleb Followill. Many times. Many, many times. Fuck Folgers in your cup, the best part of waking up would be rolling over and right into dirty morning sesh with Mr. Followill. But since that shit ain't ever gonna happen (le sigh) we'll have to settle for this; Kings of Leon were on the Today show this morning.

Apparently we're not the only ones who want to wake up with a Followill brother/cousin because the Today show received 20 thousand requests for this morning's performance, the most they've ever received. If you've ever seen the boys live you know they always bring it and sound awesome and this morning was no exception. Also, if I may wade into the shallow end of the pool for a moment (who am I kidding, I live there) Caleb looks mighty fine rocking a salmon-coloured shirt. Who knew? I love a man who's secure enough in his manhood to sport something pink.

KOL performed three songs, Use Somebody, Notion and Sex on Fire. Replace Use Somebody (I'm kinda 'over it') with I Want You or better yet, Closer, and it would have been almost too much to handle. I loooooove living alone but it's times like this when cohabitation would have its benefits, to use somebody, if you're picking up what I'm putting down.

Click below for the boys' performances before the Nazi Broadcasting Corporation, NBC pulls this shit down:

Use Somebody;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Ln_NXmaoF0

Sex on Fire;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xkB2RnUBCgA

Notion;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2dnGztLi3Pg

And just cause it's porn for your eyes and ears, here's vintage KOL performing Trani live;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Su-PfHBuuV0

I Do Not Want Tickets To This Gun Show

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Mommy Issues

The other day I was on the phone with my mother, explaining to her that I was going to see a movie that night. "Which movie?" she asked. "Bruno," I responded. "Never heard of it," She replied. I immediately became frustrated as to how someone who is living in North America and exposed to even the smallest bit of media could have not heard of Bruno. They pimped the shit out of that movie all over the God damned place. And why even ask what movie I'm going to see if there's a 98% chance that you will not have heard of whatever title is about to come out of my mouth, right? Argh! So I just sighed heavily and said 'Well, I don't know how that is possible, but whatever." (Sidenote: this is why I don't think I want kids, cause if I have a daughter who's a sassy little bitch like me, I will slap her face. Daily) Anyway, as annoyed as I was at my mother for having the audacity to not be up on pop culture, I gotta say I'd take that any day over this...

Here are some ladies at the Twilight press conference at Comic-Con. Grown ass women losing their shit and lady jizzing in their pants over some teenaged vampire bullshit? Really? Ugh.  These ladies remind me of the Amy Poehler character in Mean Girls.

Remember her? I'm not like a regular mom girls, I'm a cool mom! Yeah, I'll pass.  I'll take my ridiculously out-of-touch mother over this, thanks.

Little Orphan Esther

Here's some Peter Sarsgaard action at the premiere of his new move The Orphan that opens this weekend.  Loves me some Sarsgaard, even though he's not looking his best here. But I don't love P-Sars enough to see this movie. Partly because psycho kids freak me the fuck out and also because this movie looks like a real steamer. 

Have you seen the trailer? Ridic. I guess this couple adopts some orphaned girl and she turns out to be a direct descendent of Satan himself and of course, makes life a living hell for the family. People, this is why you keep your receipts for all your purchases, so you can return that shit when it doesn't fit. Hell, even if it does fit, keep the receipt anyway. Cause sometimes you wear an new outfit out and then you're like "meh, I'm over it." Return that shit. Shut up, you will not judge me.

Anyway, apparently several adoption organizations have their panties in a twist over this movie. They're calling for a boycott because they fear the adopted child in this movie is portrayed as such an evil beast from the ninth circle of hell that it will discourage people from adopting. Uhm...really? If someone was seriously contemplating adoption and then changed their mind because of some stupid ass horror movie, they've done that child, and the word at large, a huge favour. Because if you'd let some cheese ass movie influence you even a little bit in making such a huge life decision like that, you're a God damned fucking retard (or reTARD as I'm fond of pronouncing it these days, thanks Alan from The Hangover) and should not be raising a child that will, in turn become the next generation of reTARD. We have enough reTARDS already, thanks. We're all stocked up over here, we're good. 

The Amazing Astro Girl

Soaring high in the sky, he may be small but only in size. Astro Boy Astro Boy, he is brave and gentle and wise...

A big screen version of Astro Boy is coming out this October. Kristen Bell, Nic Cage and Donald Sutherland all provide voices but apparently the film isn't entirely animated, there are some live action parts. That's the only way to explain Rihanna's new hairstyle. Clearly she's been cast as Astro Girl in the live action portions. 

Daily Male: Mark Wahlberg

This is Mark Wahlberg on the Boston set of his upcoming movie, The Fighter. Marky Mark is playing boxer "Irish" Mickey Ward. Boston? Irish? Marky Mark?  Awesome.Overload. My head just exploded. It's been a long time since Marky Mark dropped trou for Calvin Klein but the years have been kind to his ass. And his abs. And his arms. And his chest..... Is it hot in here? Why am I light-headed? Shake it off.

For staying so well-preserved Marky Mark is today's Daily Male. Enjoy the man candy below. Then say hi to your mutha for me.

Mmm. A bespectacled Mark. He looks smart. Is he? Don't know, don't care.  Marky Mark could be dumber than a sack of hammers and I'd be okay. I don't want to discuss the economy or situation in Iraq with him. I'd be fine with taking in a Celtics or Red Sox game with him and having him say nothing more than "Pahk the Cah at Hahvahd Yahd" and "Wicked Awesome" over and over again in that hot ass Boston accent. Ear porn!

Love the shirt.

Marky Mark has got a new funky bunch now. He has about ten thousand kids. How Irish Catholic of him. I can't blame his fiance, if I lived with Marky Mark, I'd be pregnant all the time too. I think just looking at Marky Mark can get you pregnant. I'd better go pee on a stick now.

Enough of the family man, it's time for some vintage Marky Mark up in here....




And since we're back in the 90s, click below for some Good Vibrations. I just watched this three times in a row. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bVL3b1wKZQU

Yeah. Can you feel it baby? I can too. Good God. The cocky douchebaggery is raging in that video but I am lapping it up like a kitten with a bowl of milk. 

Tears and Tacos in Heaven

If your fat ass stops in at Taco Bell today, take a moment to pour some of that cheese-like substance from your burrito on the sidewalk in honour of a fallen homie. Gidget, the super sexy chihuahua who coined the catchphrase "Yo queiro Taco Bell" has peaced out. Gidget died last night at her California home of a stroke. She was 15. Sadness. The only thing I can think to say is "Yo queiro a box of tissues," because the tears won't stop coming. The only thing that comforts me during this tragic time is knowing that Gidget and Loki, Mickey Rourke's beloved chihuahua are together, sniffing each other's asses at the big Taco Bell in the sky. Sigh. Billy Joel was right, the good really do die young.

Gidget wasn't just Taco Bell's bitch, she also appeared in ads for the 90s edition of Trivial Pursuit and got a taste of the big screen when she played Bruiser Woods' mother in Legally Blonde 2. In fact Gidget and Moonie, the chihuahua who played Bruiser were roomates for a time. Moonie has not released a statement, only asking for privacy during this difficult time.

RIP

Gidget

1994 - 2009

Would You Let Funny People Get You Knocked Up?

Here's Adam Sandler, Seth Rogen and Judd Apatow at the Funny People premiere yesterday. I loves me some JudAp so I definitely want to see this business.

Somewhat related; I watched the latest episode of Entourage online last night (I have a ghetto cable package) and Turtle was obsessed with Knocked Up and could not stop talking about how there's no way the Katherine Heigl character would have slept with the Seth Rogen character, no matter how drunk off her ass she may have been because she was sober when she first met him and saw that he was a big fat fattie. This was of course before Seth slimmed down, he looks pretty good at present. But back to Turtle's argument, excuse me while I offer up my best 'bitch puhlease!' facial expression because if you follow Entourage you know that Turtle is currently banging Meadow fucking Soprano, not only on the show but in real fucking life. Give me a second here, I can't see my keyboard because my eyes have rolled so far back into my head.....

Okay, I'm back. As delusional as his short, fat ass may be, Turtle does have a point. As much as I loved, loved looooooved Knocked Up, and at the risk of sounding like a real Superficial Sally, it is pretty unbelievable that Katherine Heigl would have done naked sex times with him, right? I mean we've all done some stupid shit when we're wasted but I'd like to think there's not enough vodka in the world that would have made that possible. In the Entourage episode some people were arguing that SethRo is super funny and chicks dig the funny so maybe it was possible? Uhm...no. Here's the deal -funny is great, it can do wonders. If a dude is average in the looks department but is really witty (and smart) he instantly becomes sooo much more attractive. For me, a good sense of humour is non-negotiable, it's a must have ...if I want to date a guy. Funny don't mean jack shit in a one-night stand situation. I mean, we're not going back to my apartment to partake in a sketch comedy showcase, ya know? So I call bullshit all over that hookup.


That's not the only part of Knocked Up I call bullshit on though. Let's see....a career-oriented woman whose job is just starting to take off, gets knocked up after a drunken one-night stand with a complete stranger who's a total stoner burnout loser with no job? If I wrote the script, the movie would have been about 20 minutes long and, spoiler alert - would have ended with the woman walking into a clinic. I won't say it, but it rhymes with 'smashmortion.'  

Roll credits.

All that said, I'm looking forward to Funny People. That shit opens July 31st. Word.

Bro Wrestling Match

Woody Harrelson and Owen Wilson. I have no idea what is going on here...but I like it. 

In related news, somewhere in the world, Tom Cruise just added 'Befriend Woody Harrelson and Owen Wilson' to his list of things to do.

And I Think to Myself, What a Motherloving World

Here's my love,  Justin Timberlake out walking his other bitch the other day. 

Did you know JT was nominated last week for three Emmy Awards?  I love it. One is for hosting SNL and the other two are for songwriting, first for the diddy I Love Sports from when he hosted the 2008 ESPY Awards and the second of course being the genius that was MotherLover. 

Just when I'm hating the world and everything and everyone on it, just when I'm about ready to reach for the bottle of Grey Goose, a couple of razor blades and contemplate calling it a life, a song about fucking your friend's mom gets an Emmy nomination and I think "World, maybe you're not so bad after all. I'm not done with you just yet, I ain't ready to peace out right now. Things might actually be okay!" And I put down the razor blades. But not the vodka.

JT already has an Emmy on his mantle for Dick in a Box. Again, amazing.

I Have No Real Reason For Posting This

Other than it's David Beckham. Shirtless. Well hello there!

Becks is no doubt, a hot piece (when he's not speaking) but bitch needs to slow the fuck down with the tats, yo. Enough already! You're going to look fucking ridic when you are an old man. But until then...giggity.

Merkinkini

Here's Whitney something or other from The Hills and whatever her stupid spinoff show was called. I seriously cannot be bothered to look this shit up.

But riddle me this; why take the money/time/pain to shave/wax/trim or whatever your lady bits if you're just going to choose a bikini bottom that makes it looks like you have Elvis Presley-style sideburns and/or are sporting a merkin? Seriously, if you're going to wear bottoms like this, you might as well get lazy and sport a big 70s porn bush, right?

Don't know what a merkin is? Click below and don't say I never taught you anything.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Merkin

Douche Couture

I've never seen an episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8, not one. Yet, I'm still constantly exposed to this Jon character because his ass is all over the magazines and this brand new thing people are calling the 'world wide web.' Apparently this unemployed (unless you consider pimping out your kids and your wife's clown car uterus an actual career, which, btw, I do not) father of eight has already landed himself a new girlfriend,  just bought some crazy expensive NYC apartment and was ON A BOAT recently in France or some shit and yada yada yada...I don't fucking care. Like I said, I've never seen a single second of this eight kid freak show but from what I hear, a lot of people seem to think this Kate person is a miserable, nagging cunt. The Cuntess of Cuntex, the Cunt-EO of Cuntalay Industries, if you will. That may very well be the case, but Jon ain't no prize, either. In fact, I think he needs to be arrested. Immediately. Why? For the brutal, merciless rape that is committed on my poor innocent eyeballs every damn time I have to see a picture of this fool. Seriously, my eyeballs need Detectives Benson and Stabler up in here, THIS IS SOME LAW & ORDER: SVU SHIT!!! What am I talking about? Ed Hardy. That's what I'm talking about. Ed Hardy and Jon's religious-like devotion to the brand. 

Exhibits A through D are below, your honour;

An early midlife crisis just isn't complete until it's been accessorized with a motorcycle. And of course, a new girlfriend who's younger (and skankier) than your wife...


Oh Jon, are those diamond stud earrings I spy with my little raped eye? You truly are playing by the Early Midlife Crisis handbook, aren't you? I'm afraid I'll have to grade you a D in originality. Better luck next time.

 The only thing keeping my eyes from requiring a rape kit and a crisis counselor is the fact that the tiger on the above shirt isn't bejeweled or bedazzled.

Sweet Fancy Moses! I spoke too soon! Notice how the Ed Hardy name is bedazzled on the shirt above? That's for when you need to be extra douchey on like, special occasions and shit. When you absolutely, positively have to be the biggest bag of douche in the room, accept no substitutes.

What is it about Ed Hardy that, like its scent counterpart, Axe Body Spray, draws douchebags to it likes moths to a flame? Is it the cool skull imagery? (Shit, I gotta tread lightly here because I have an affinity for skulls, myself) Is it the tattoo-like designs of the shirts and hats? Like, it gives douchebags who are too much of a pansy ass pussy to get inked a way to look all hardcore and badass without a needle ever having touched them? I don't know. I do know that Christian Audigier should really just change the name of the line to Summer's Eve Designs or Threads By Massengil at this point. It's just that synonymous with douche. Shit, I bought an Ed Hardy jacket in NYC way back in 2005 (it looks NOTHING like the fuckery in these photos, I know cause I just went in my closet and checked!) but I cannot even think about wearing the damn thing ever again because of these fucking turd burglars. 

And what's with the Ed Hardy slogan, Love Kills Slowly? You know what else kills slowly? Syphilis. Which is what you're going to get if you put your genitals anywhere near these Hardy boys. In fact, I really should have put a giant condom over my laptop before I started this post. Fuck. Hassle-free clinic, here I come!

But as much as any dude sporting these douche threads would have a Sahara-like effect on my vagina, at least they're not pretending to be something they're not. At least you know what you're getting, right? It's the douchebags in nice guy clothing that we really have to be worried about, ladies.  You know, the smart, well-dressed dudes with the stable jobs and seemingly good heads on their shoulders who wait months to unleash their inner, raging douche. At least these bedazzled fucktards aren't wearing a disguise. These walking STDs are literally douchebags in douche clothing. So....thanks, Ed Hardy?

 

I Want to Bait This Man

The offices of Details magazine are clearly are located inside the bowels of my warped mind. Last issue featured the hotness of Bradley Cooper on the cover (sitting in my kitchen as I type) 

Now editors have gifted me yet again by putting my TV husband Jason Bateman on the cover.


Shit, yo. Who needs an analyst or therapist or an analrapist when you have this to get you through the day? Cash is tight right now but there's always money in the banana stand so this magazine will be mine. Even if it means taking a chubby, I will suck it up. I just hope I don't get to the store before the issue hits newstands. I don't want to prematurely blow my load and what was supposed to be a dry run and then have quite a mess on my hands.

When this issue is out, you should pick it up, sit back with some hot ham water, or get a stew going and read up on the Bateman, maybe while drinking some juice. Juice? This party is gonna be off the hook!

In the mag, J-Bate talks about being a child star, going out of control with booze and blow in his late teens and 20s as well as the best thing of all....the status of an Arrested Development movie saying;

"We're gonna make the movie...Mitch Hurwitz is just starting to write it. It'll be out in a year and a half." 

Yessss!!!!!!! 

I'm so glad George Michael (not the singer/songwriter) stopped being such a punk ass bitch and signed on, I was beginning to think he got off on withholding but he's for sure, for sure on board. After all, there's no 'i' in 'Teamocil' at least not where you'd think. 

In celebration of this most glorious news, feast your eyes upon some of the delicious Bateman eye candy from Details;

Yeah, the guy in the $3000 suit is gonna hold the elevator for the guy who doesn't make that in four months....COME ON!!

Uhm....what does it say about me that I'd rather read Details than like, Cosmo or Vogue? Am I a guy in the brains? I don't understand the question and I won't respond to it. My gut is telling me no, but my gut is also very hungry...

Thanks for reading this, I know there are many other blogs out there, like the Bob Loblaw Law Blog for instance.