Daily Male: Mark Wahlberg

This is Mark Wahlberg on the Boston set of his upcoming movie, The Fighter. Marky Mark is playing boxer "Irish" Mickey Ward. Boston? Irish? Marky Mark?  Awesome.Overload. My head just exploded. It's been a long time since Marky Mark dropped trou for Calvin Klein but the years have been kind to his ass. And his abs. And his arms. And his chest..... Is it hot in here? Why am I light-headed? Shake it off.

For staying so well-preserved Marky Mark is today's Daily Male. Enjoy the man candy below. Then say hi to your mutha for me.

Mmm. A bespectacled Mark. He looks smart. Is he? Don't know, don't care.  Marky Mark could be dumber than a sack of hammers and I'd be okay. I don't want to discuss the economy or situation in Iraq with him. I'd be fine with taking in a Celtics or Red Sox game with him and having him say nothing more than "Pahk the Cah at Hahvahd Yahd" and "Wicked Awesome" over and over again in that hot ass Boston accent. Ear porn!

Love the shirt.

Marky Mark has got a new funky bunch now. He has about ten thousand kids. How Irish Catholic of him. I can't blame his fiance, if I lived with Marky Mark, I'd be pregnant all the time too. I think just looking at Marky Mark can get you pregnant. I'd better go pee on a stick now.

Enough of the family man, it's time for some vintage Marky Mark up in here....




And since we're back in the 90s, click below for some Good Vibrations. I just watched this three times in a row. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bVL3b1wKZQU

Yeah. Can you feel it baby? I can too. Good God. The cocky douchebaggery is raging in that video but I am lapping it up like a kitten with a bowl of milk. 

Tears and Tacos in Heaven

If your fat ass stops in at Taco Bell today, take a moment to pour some of that cheese-like substance from your burrito on the sidewalk in honour of a fallen homie. Gidget, the super sexy chihuahua who coined the catchphrase "Yo queiro Taco Bell" has peaced out. Gidget died last night at her California home of a stroke. She was 15. Sadness. The only thing I can think to say is "Yo queiro a box of tissues," because the tears won't stop coming. The only thing that comforts me during this tragic time is knowing that Gidget and Loki, Mickey Rourke's beloved chihuahua are together, sniffing each other's asses at the big Taco Bell in the sky. Sigh. Billy Joel was right, the good really do die young.

Gidget wasn't just Taco Bell's bitch, she also appeared in ads for the 90s edition of Trivial Pursuit and got a taste of the big screen when she played Bruiser Woods' mother in Legally Blonde 2. In fact Gidget and Moonie, the chihuahua who played Bruiser were roomates for a time. Moonie has not released a statement, only asking for privacy during this difficult time.

RIP

Gidget

1994 - 2009

Would You Let Funny People Get You Knocked Up?

Here's Adam Sandler, Seth Rogen and Judd Apatow at the Funny People premiere yesterday. I loves me some JudAp so I definitely want to see this business.

Somewhat related; I watched the latest episode of Entourage online last night (I have a ghetto cable package) and Turtle was obsessed with Knocked Up and could not stop talking about how there's no way the Katherine Heigl character would have slept with the Seth Rogen character, no matter how drunk off her ass she may have been because she was sober when she first met him and saw that he was a big fat fattie. This was of course before Seth slimmed down, he looks pretty good at present. But back to Turtle's argument, excuse me while I offer up my best 'bitch puhlease!' facial expression because if you follow Entourage you know that Turtle is currently banging Meadow fucking Soprano, not only on the show but in real fucking life. Give me a second here, I can't see my keyboard because my eyes have rolled so far back into my head.....

Okay, I'm back. As delusional as his short, fat ass may be, Turtle does have a point. As much as I loved, loved looooooved Knocked Up, and at the risk of sounding like a real Superficial Sally, it is pretty unbelievable that Katherine Heigl would have done naked sex times with him, right? I mean we've all done some stupid shit when we're wasted but I'd like to think there's not enough vodka in the world that would have made that possible. In the Entourage episode some people were arguing that SethRo is super funny and chicks dig the funny so maybe it was possible? Uhm...no. Here's the deal -funny is great, it can do wonders. If a dude is average in the looks department but is really witty (and smart) he instantly becomes sooo much more attractive. For me, a good sense of humour is non-negotiable, it's a must have ...if I want to date a guy. Funny don't mean jack shit in a one-night stand situation. I mean, we're not going back to my apartment to partake in a sketch comedy showcase, ya know? So I call bullshit all over that hookup.


That's not the only part of Knocked Up I call bullshit on though. Let's see....a career-oriented woman whose job is just starting to take off, gets knocked up after a drunken one-night stand with a complete stranger who's a total stoner burnout loser with no job? If I wrote the script, the movie would have been about 20 minutes long and, spoiler alert - would have ended with the woman walking into a clinic. I won't say it, but it rhymes with 'smashmortion.'  

Roll credits.

All that said, I'm looking forward to Funny People. That shit opens July 31st. Word.

Bro Wrestling Match

Woody Harrelson and Owen Wilson. I have no idea what is going on here...but I like it. 

In related news, somewhere in the world, Tom Cruise just added 'Befriend Woody Harrelson and Owen Wilson' to his list of things to do.

And I Think to Myself, What a Motherloving World

Here's my love,  Justin Timberlake out walking his other bitch the other day. 

Did you know JT was nominated last week for three Emmy Awards?  I love it. One is for hosting SNL and the other two are for songwriting, first for the diddy I Love Sports from when he hosted the 2008 ESPY Awards and the second of course being the genius that was MotherLover. 

Just when I'm hating the world and everything and everyone on it, just when I'm about ready to reach for the bottle of Grey Goose, a couple of razor blades and contemplate calling it a life, a song about fucking your friend's mom gets an Emmy nomination and I think "World, maybe you're not so bad after all. I'm not done with you just yet, I ain't ready to peace out right now. Things might actually be okay!" And I put down the razor blades. But not the vodka.

JT already has an Emmy on his mantle for Dick in a Box. Again, amazing.

I Have No Real Reason For Posting This

Other than it's David Beckham. Shirtless. Well hello there!

Becks is no doubt, a hot piece (when he's not speaking) but bitch needs to slow the fuck down with the tats, yo. Enough already! You're going to look fucking ridic when you are an old man. But until then...giggity.

Merkinkini

Here's Whitney something or other from The Hills and whatever her stupid spinoff show was called. I seriously cannot be bothered to look this shit up.

But riddle me this; why take the money/time/pain to shave/wax/trim or whatever your lady bits if you're just going to choose a bikini bottom that makes it looks like you have Elvis Presley-style sideburns and/or are sporting a merkin? Seriously, if you're going to wear bottoms like this, you might as well get lazy and sport a big 70s porn bush, right?

Don't know what a merkin is? Click below and don't say I never taught you anything.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Merkin

Douche Couture

I've never seen an episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8, not one. Yet, I'm still constantly exposed to this Jon character because his ass is all over the magazines and this brand new thing people are calling the 'world wide web.' Apparently this unemployed (unless you consider pimping out your kids and your wife's clown car uterus an actual career, which, btw, I do not) father of eight has already landed himself a new girlfriend,  just bought some crazy expensive NYC apartment and was ON A BOAT recently in France or some shit and yada yada yada...I don't fucking care. Like I said, I've never seen a single second of this eight kid freak show but from what I hear, a lot of people seem to think this Kate person is a miserable, nagging cunt. The Cuntess of Cuntex, the Cunt-EO of Cuntalay Industries, if you will. That may very well be the case, but Jon ain't no prize, either. In fact, I think he needs to be arrested. Immediately. Why? For the brutal, merciless rape that is committed on my poor innocent eyeballs every damn time I have to see a picture of this fool. Seriously, my eyeballs need Detectives Benson and Stabler up in here, THIS IS SOME LAW & ORDER: SVU SHIT!!! What am I talking about? Ed Hardy. That's what I'm talking about. Ed Hardy and Jon's religious-like devotion to the brand. 

Exhibits A through D are below, your honour;

An early midlife crisis just isn't complete until it's been accessorized with a motorcycle. And of course, a new girlfriend who's younger (and skankier) than your wife...


Oh Jon, are those diamond stud earrings I spy with my little raped eye? You truly are playing by the Early Midlife Crisis handbook, aren't you? I'm afraid I'll have to grade you a D in originality. Better luck next time.

 The only thing keeping my eyes from requiring a rape kit and a crisis counselor is the fact that the tiger on the above shirt isn't bejeweled or bedazzled.

Sweet Fancy Moses! I spoke too soon! Notice how the Ed Hardy name is bedazzled on the shirt above? That's for when you need to be extra douchey on like, special occasions and shit. When you absolutely, positively have to be the biggest bag of douche in the room, accept no substitutes.

What is it about Ed Hardy that, like its scent counterpart, Axe Body Spray, draws douchebags to it likes moths to a flame? Is it the cool skull imagery? (Shit, I gotta tread lightly here because I have an affinity for skulls, myself) Is it the tattoo-like designs of the shirts and hats? Like, it gives douchebags who are too much of a pansy ass pussy to get inked a way to look all hardcore and badass without a needle ever having touched them? I don't know. I do know that Christian Audigier should really just change the name of the line to Summer's Eve Designs or Threads By Massengil at this point. It's just that synonymous with douche. Shit, I bought an Ed Hardy jacket in NYC way back in 2005 (it looks NOTHING like the fuckery in these photos, I know cause I just went in my closet and checked!) but I cannot even think about wearing the damn thing ever again because of these fucking turd burglars. 

And what's with the Ed Hardy slogan, Love Kills Slowly? You know what else kills slowly? Syphilis. Which is what you're going to get if you put your genitals anywhere near these Hardy boys. In fact, I really should have put a giant condom over my laptop before I started this post. Fuck. Hassle-free clinic, here I come!

But as much as any dude sporting these douche threads would have a Sahara-like effect on my vagina, at least they're not pretending to be something they're not. At least you know what you're getting, right? It's the douchebags in nice guy clothing that we really have to be worried about, ladies.  You know, the smart, well-dressed dudes with the stable jobs and seemingly good heads on their shoulders who wait months to unleash their inner, raging douche. At least these bedazzled fucktards aren't wearing a disguise. These walking STDs are literally douchebags in douche clothing. So....thanks, Ed Hardy?

 

I Want to Bait This Man

The offices of Details magazine are clearly are located inside the bowels of my warped mind. Last issue featured the hotness of Bradley Cooper on the cover (sitting in my kitchen as I type) 

Now editors have gifted me yet again by putting my TV husband Jason Bateman on the cover.


Shit, yo. Who needs an analyst or therapist or an analrapist when you have this to get you through the day? Cash is tight right now but there's always money in the banana stand so this magazine will be mine. Even if it means taking a chubby, I will suck it up. I just hope I don't get to the store before the issue hits newstands. I don't want to prematurely blow my load and what was supposed to be a dry run and then have quite a mess on my hands.

When this issue is out, you should pick it up, sit back with some hot ham water, or get a stew going and read up on the Bateman, maybe while drinking some juice. Juice? This party is gonna be off the hook!

In the mag, J-Bate talks about being a child star, going out of control with booze and blow in his late teens and 20s as well as the best thing of all....the status of an Arrested Development movie saying;

"We're gonna make the movie...Mitch Hurwitz is just starting to write it. It'll be out in a year and a half." 

Yessss!!!!!!! 

I'm so glad George Michael (not the singer/songwriter) stopped being such a punk ass bitch and signed on, I was beginning to think he got off on withholding but he's for sure, for sure on board. After all, there's no 'i' in 'Teamocil' at least not where you'd think. 

In celebration of this most glorious news, feast your eyes upon some of the delicious Bateman eye candy from Details;

Yeah, the guy in the $3000 suit is gonna hold the elevator for the guy who doesn't make that in four months....COME ON!!

Uhm....what does it say about me that I'd rather read Details than like, Cosmo or Vogue? Am I a guy in the brains? I don't understand the question and I won't respond to it. My gut is telling me no, but my gut is also very hungry...

Thanks for reading this, I know there are many other blogs out there, like the Bob Loblaw Law Blog for instance.

A Cup of Coop

Here's Bradley Cooper with a Starbucks. That makes two things in this photo that I want in my mouth.

Oh, Julia Roberts is there too. Apparently they're filming some move called Valentine's Day. Sounds like your standard rom com, or vom com as I call them because that's what the majority of romantic comedies make me want to do. Vom.

B-Coop and Julia have worked together before, they appeared on Broadway a few years back in a production of Three Days of Rain which also starred....Paul Rudd. I'm pretty sure I could not have handled that.

One Week Without The King of Pop

 It's been a week since The King of Pop peaced outta here to moonwalk on the big dance floor in the sky. Seven days that have, to the surprise of nobody, been filled with all kinds of salacious stories surrounding his strange death and even more bizarre life. What is surprising though, is how bummed about MJ's death I genuinely am. And as Michael himself would say to me "you are not alone." I've received several emails from friends who are feeling the same way. We're in an MJ funk.

I haven't thought about Michael Jackson in what feels like forever and admittedly when I have thought of Jacko, it's not been in a positive way. I've said it before, My Michael died around 1991/1992, after the release of Dangerous and before the first round of child molestation allegations. Sure it had been a long time since he was a pretty young thing, his face was already the stuff of nightmares and we had already seen our share of behaviour that could be described as eccentric at best and totally off the wall batshit crazy at worst but I held on, my love of MJ allowing me to overlook all the insanity until it became just too much and I handed in my sparkly glove, relegated my official MJ Mafia t-shirt to 'gym shirt status' and moved on with my life.

Now, more than 15 years later, MJ is dead and like most things in life, the grieving process is not black and white nor is it as easy as ABC or 1,2,3. Several friends and I have been finding comfort in drowning ourselves in everything Michael, watching his videos, old interviews, classic performances and pop culture milestones. When you don't know what to say, say say, sometimes it's just easier to remember the time it seemed like MJ was invincible. It's only human nature, I suppose. I can't keep my grief in the closet.

Michael, I can't explain the way you make me feel, you were a dancing machine, you were dangerous, some might even say a smooth criminal but you made me scream, you rock my world and now you are gone too soon and I'll never get to rock with you. But perhaps it took your death, your blood on the dance floor to make me realize I just can't stop loving you.

If you're like me and you want to drown your sorrows by drowning yourself in MJ, Entertainment Weekly has put together a Michael Jackson tribute issue out tomorrow.

I'll be picking this up tomorrow, the same day I'll be sitting down to watch the VHS copy of The Making Of Thriller that I tore apart my apartment to find. 

If you want to strap yourself into the DeLorean with me and Doc and relive some of MJ's magical moments, here are some below. Great Scott! He was amazing;

Motown 25th Anniversary featuring the debut of the Moon Walk:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rG0cjYwgqxA&feature=rec-HM-fresh+div

Pepsi commercial (the one in which he was injured during filming);

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uiI_p5BeN0Y

Another Pepsi commercial featuring MJ (and a young, adorable Alfonso Ribeiro);

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Md5lPyuvsk

Thriller. Full-length version;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AtyJbIOZjS8

We Are The World (take a Lactaid, it's gonna get cheesy!);

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WmxT21uFRwM

The Way You Make Me Feel & Man in the Mirror from the 1988 Grammys;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y-Fnp_mTE94

1993 Super Bowl half time show, parts 1 & 2;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ClB6hJvgvAs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sf0lZieFQiM&feature=related

 

MJ's final rehearsal, taken two days before his death;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4vx63Niosm4

WE ARE ON A BREAK!!!!

"If you love something, set it free; if it comes back, it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was."

Anonymous 

"If you love somebody, if you love someone, set them free. Free, free, set them free."

Gordon Sumner

Sixteen years ago, I met someone who would change my life in ways I never imagined possible. I was at a party when suddenly, through the crowded room our eyes locked and it felt like we were the only two at the party. My heart skipped a beat and I could tell he felt it too. We hadn't yet exchanged a single word but the look in our eyes said we both knew things would never be the same.

That someone was alcohol.

Ever since that fateful night, alcohol, more specifically, vodka, and I have enjoyed a passion-filled love affair. Mr. Smirnoff has been there, a lover, a friend, always, a reliable companion in times of both joyful celebration and heart-breaking devastation. And like most intense, passionate relationships, when things between us are good, they're fucking great and when they're bad, they are absolutely heinous. This must be what being married to Sean Penn is like! Tumultuous! 

Nobody else has possessed the power to make me feel both so amazingly awesome about myself and so soul-crushingly horrible about myself to the point of getting sick, often times these opposing feelings happen within the same 12-hour period. Indeed, our relationship has been nothing if not a wild roller coaster ride. A ride during which he has had both a positive, but let's face it, mostly negative influence on my decision-making. I've never woken up with a tiger in my bathroom and a baby in the closet Hangover-style but I have woken up with a bloody nose, in my garage, in a totally different Vegas hotel than the one at which I was staying, in my apartment hallway and yes, in someone else's bed with little to no recollection of how I got there (thank Dog I knew him and he was hot) And this was all just this past week! I'm frontin' you, that shit all happened over the course of several years but shit yo, it's time to go Michael Jackson on these tricks and look at the (wo)man in the mirror and ask that bitch to change her ways because as Lethal Weapon's Sgt. Robert Murtagh would agree, "I'm too old for this shit!" I'm not Asher Roth, I'm not in college;  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_xj_oAXgvy4

And on an entirely superficial level, the calories associated with drinking are really starting to piss me off. For two months, I've been killing myself at the gym, running on the treadmill, climbing the stairmaster, weight training and all for nothing! I'm seeing no results and I'm ready to punch someone in the face over this shit. I eat well so I gotta pick booze out of the line up of potential perps. I gotta go Jamie Foxx on this bitch and blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol. I'm tired of sweating my balls off at the gym only to cancel that shit out later that same day by throwing back a ten/twelve vodka sodas or a half dozen beers or a few bottles of wine by the pool (oh shut up, don't judge) 

And so begins what will likely be one of the most challenging undertakings of my life - I'm going to give up drinking for two weeks. Two weeks does not sound like a long time but before you go calling Betty Ford or Promises on my drunk ass, keep in mind that I'm single, am very social and it's summertime. All of these things make it very easy to drink pretty much every day or every second day without even thinking about it. I was going to aim for 30 booze-free days but realized taking on a challenge like that during the summer is just stupid and setting myself up for failure. Setting reasonable, achievable goals is the key to success, no?

That's not to say this will be easy. This will be like asking Britney to go without Cheetos, Paris Hilton to go without dick and Courtney Love to go without crack. There will be tears, shakes, sweats and heartaches. But it must be done and if I pull this shit off, I'll do my 30-day challenge in the fall when the sun isn't shining and the temptation isn't as intense. Cause right now, it's intense. Like Tom Cruise alone in a room with Will Smith and their wives are out of town intense.

I love you, Mr. Smirnoff and we will be together again but for right now, I need to try living without you.

I Have No Real Reason For Posting This

Other than it's Justin Timberlake looking mighty fine in this brown leather jacket. That's reason enough for me, my friends. It's just that simple.

After all, I'm just a simple country girl, you might say a cockeyed optimist who got herself mixed up in the high stakes game of world diplomacy and international intrigue.