Long Island Holita

Remember Amy Fisher? She's that crazy Long Island skank who was banging that bag of douche, Joey Buttafuco and then straight up shot his poor wife in the face. Well since getting out of jail Amy has been making significant contributions to society. In addition to having three kids, Amy is a porn star. I guess it's her turn to take a shot to the face? Her kids are so lucky! Not only is mom a convicted felon but she fucks on film! Terrific. Now Amy is taking her busted vageen on the road - she's traveling the US as a high-priced stripper. Uhm, high-priced? Her? Anyway, AmFish recently told some porn site "I love to dance, and I'm an exhibitionist, I am going to take this road until my fans tell me, 'Dear, please put your clothes back on. You're too old.' "

Who the hell are these crazy people asking her to take her clothes off in the first place? Can everyone else see this trick and those ghetto nails, chola eyebrows and mall slut hair?

Below is Amy with her husband. Bitch definitely has a type.

You CAN Touch This!

If you were going about your life thinking 'things are good but what would make things great is if I could finally fulfill my dream of seeing Stanley Burrell and Robert Van Winkle aka MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice in concert, then your lucky day has arrived my friend.

For one night only, musical powerhouses, lyrical geniuses and wearer of pants that made them look like they shit themselves, MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice are teaming up in what will truly be a legendary explosion of awesome.

“Hammer Pants and Ice” goes down Friday, February 27, 2009, at 8:00 p.m. at the McKay Events Center in Orem, Utah.

When I was in grade seven, I had a mad crush on Vanilla Ice. Something about that wall of hair, those stars and stripes parachute pants, those shaved eyebrows. Word to my mother! I had some bad taste back then.

#$#*$)($@)U)*@!!!

JT on the cover of the March edition of GQ. I will be picking up two copies as I imagine one will contain several stuck together pages. Yeah, I went there. Deal with it.

No, You Don't.

And by 'stress' she means 'cocaine.'

Lindsay Lohan has been looking like a skinny bag of arthritic old bones lately prompting some people to believe that the train wreck is back to her old coke-loving, anorexic hot mess self.

But LiLo says she's not on the Amy Winehouse diet plan. Lindsay told Us Weekly "I eat. I had my Big Mac yesterday from McDonald's...I eat just as much as I always have." Sure. What Lindsay failed to mention was that the Big Mac was the only thing she had to eat that week, that she'd been up for three days straight and that she promptly 'refunded' said Big Mac.

Lindsay says stress is what's to blame for her weight loss. Uhm. Stress? Yeah, going from nightclub to nightclub and standing there drinking 'water' while your girlfriend spins tune is pretty stressful. My heart goes out to her.

Shit! Now I want a Big Mac! I can't tell you the last time I had one, I'd say at least eight, possibly nine years. I used to eat one of those delicious bastards at least three times a week when I was in high school. My chemistry teacher Mr. Pomoranski used to marvel at how someone could eat that crap and weigh barely 100 pounds. "That will catch up to you," Mr. Pomoranski would say. Turns out that bastard was right which is why I've given up the Big Mac and all fast foods altogether. Because, as my friend Arana is fond of saying, "I'd rather drink my calories." Word.

Daily Male: Alec Baldwin

I try to hate Alec Baldwin. I'm sure he's a bear of a man to deal with but something about him makes me love him. His ass hosted Saturday Night Live this weekend and in his opening monologue, AlBald thanked Christian 'I'm gonna fucking kick your fucking ass' Bale for replacing him as the celebrity most known for a rage-filled rant captured on tape (remember Alec left that delightlful voicemail message for his daughter during which he lovingly referred to her as a 'thoughtless pig' and vowed she had humiliated him for the last time? Daughter was 11-years-old at the time by the way)

Anyway, perhaps it's his ability to laugh at himself, or the Gary Jonas skit in which he appeared, or maybe it's my weird ass crush on Jack Donaghy, or maybe I'm just a sick bitch who loves an angry man, but Alec Baldwin is today's Daily Male.



Some younger Alec action for your viewing pleash;





Remember when the world was churning out Baldwin Brothers at warped speed, each one less talented than the last?


Jesus Christ, Chyna Philips, Dr. Drew and drugz have claimed the rest of the Baldwin boys but Alec has emerged the last Baldwin standing. I'd be a thoughtless pig not to recognize that.

My New BFF?

Yes, Mickey Rourke frightens the fuck out of me. Sure, just looking at his busted face makes these salty drops apparently called 'tears' fall out of my eyes but every day I am faced with mounting evidence that Mick and I would probably be pretty damn good friends. For reals, yo.

First there was this photo of him sucking back the champs right from of the bottle at the BAFTA awards.


Mickey doesn't fuck around, he wants that champers in his mouth and he wants it in his mouth now. He doesn't have the time nor the inclination to find a glass. We should all be so direct. I've been known to suck back a drink or two straight from the bottle myself. I'm classy like that.

Now comes more proof Mick and I would get along famously. Reports say Mickey caused a bit of a commotion at Heathrow Airport recently. Why? Because his luggage was overweight - with shoes! I hope those beautiful gold bitches below were included...



Apparently MickRo had 36kg of shoes. I'm dumb in the brains when it comes to math so I looked that up on the internets and found that's nearly 80 pounds! Traveling with 80 pounds of shoes? As someone who once caught flack for hauling a 'shoe bag' (suitcase filled entirely with footwear) to Mexico, I respect this shit! Apparently Mickey had to redistribute his shit before his ass could check the luggage.

I am a chronic overpacker. I realize how ridiculous and draining it is but I cannot help it. And I know Mickey and I are not alone. My girlfriend Alex and I once traveled from Nice, France to Rome and people were actually gawking in disgust at our luggage at the Nice airport. Most people were checking a single backpack. Not us. We had two suitcases each plus carry-on. Our overweight luggage charges were actually more than the flight itself. In our defense we had just spent ten days working at the Cannes Film Festival but in all honesty, I probably would have overpacked that shit regardless. I often pack upwards of three outfits for each day that I'll be away. It's not that I wear three outfits a day (although I have done that, too) it's that what I wear is often determined with what kind of mood I'm in. By packing only one outfit a day, I'm severely limiting my choices, what if I'm not in the mood for that particular outfit? Then I have no choice. In issues of wardrobe and dressing, I hold the same beliefs I do for reproduction, I'm pro-choice. Also, I don't always know what it is I'll be up to when I'm away. I might stay in and have a games night with friends or I could hit a club or I could go out for a nice dinner. Each of these options requires a different style of dress as well as the corresponding accessories, handbags and footwear. I know Mickey not only understands this, he practices it as well. I think Mickey and I would be great friends although traveling together would be a nightmare for everyone around us.

On a sidenote, can I just say that if I die tomorrow, I want to come back to life as Mickey's dog...






This little bitch not only got a shout out in his Golden Globe acceptance speech, she has several outfits, gets to travel AND walk red carpets? In that last picture it looks like she has her own bodyguard. This bitch is living the life!

Tori Spelling Has Apparently Never Heard of Karma

Tori Spelling (not the one in the pink scarf, the one in the yellow) is apparently worried her gold digger douchebag husband will cheat on her ass one day. This is the Tori that starting banging her husband on the set of some craptastic made-for-TV movie while they were both married to other people. At the time Tori's bitchboy and his former wife (who by the way is smart, funny, feisty and waaaay more attractive than Tori but whose father didn't shit gold bricks) had just adopted a little girl. Horseface Spelling apparently recently neighed "Of course (I'm scared of that)! He told Jennie (Garth), 'Tori thinks I'm going to meet someone and run away with her, but I'm not.' It's just a girl thing, you just (let your mind) go there."

Honey, if he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat on you. Look that shit up in the dictionary under 'karma.'

Daily Male: Joaquin Phoenix (of yesteryear)

This week everyone was talking about Joaquin's appearance on David Letterman. Whether Joaquin has actually descended into cracked out madness or whether he's pulling some 'performance art' bullshit remains to be seen (I think it's the latter) but one thing is for sure: Joaquin looks like a hot hobo mess. Seriously that's the ugliest beard since Liza Minelli. I bet he smells like cigarettes, booze, cat urine and regret. But it wasn't always this way, Joaquin used to be a hot piece. So, let's erase the images of the homeless disast he is now and go back in time, shall we? Joaquin Phoenix of yesteryear is today's Daily Male.





Remember when Joaquin and Liv Tyler were a couple?





Remember Joaquin from Parenthood? His ass went by Leaf Phoenix back then. Adorable.

Just.No.

If you heard OctoMommy Nadya Suleman's story and instead of being outraged, revolted, disgusted and generally depressed as fuck, your dumb ass thought 'hey, I want to have octuplets of my own," perhaps these images will put you right in the brains again.....




These horrifying images were taken eight days before doctors went in and cut those doomed babies out of her clown car uterus. This shit is wrong on so many levels I don't even know where to begin. In the meantime, I'm going to find my childhood blankey, retreat under the covers, curl up into the fetal position and rock back and forth for a few hours. This shit is nightmare-inducing. I will never sleep again without the help of pills and a bottle of wine. Wait, that's different how?

I apologize for springing this scary shit on your unsuspecting eyes and souls. If you ate breakfast before seeing these photos, you just vomited into your keyboard. If you haven't eaten yet, you just lost your appetite. Hey, I see a weight loss plan here! Anytime you want to stuff your face, just look at these photos and you'll lose your appetite! Or, if you just came back from an all-you-can-eat and you feel like your pants are going to explode right off your body, look at these photos and you will barf up everything you ate and everything you even thought of eating. Someone needs to call Jenny Craig, there's a new diet in here somewhere. OctoMommy's publicist (I'm still reeling that bitch has a publicist) needs to call my ass because I just thought of an endorsement deal for her scrambled eggs brains client. Maybe those 14 kids won't starve to death after all!

I'm Calling Shenanigans on This Bullshit

So you know how Joaquin Phoenix has lost his fucking mind and is dressing like a homeless person with an addiction to sniffing solvents? And you know how he's claiming to have left acting to pursue his career as a rapper, right? Rap and hip hop are all about collaborations these days so I guess MC Hobo can callabo with the mice living in his hair and beard. Some people are saying this shit is a straight up hoax and that instead of being one crack hit away from joining his brother River on the big movie set in the sky, that he's actually fucking with us. I couldn't decide if he had actually lost his shit or if he was Andy Kauffmaning our asses but after his wacked out appearance on Letterman last night, I'm crossing over to the 'bitch please, you're full of shit' side. My Boston boyfriend and Joaquin's brother-in-law, Casey Affleck has been filming this fuckery for a documentary on Joaq's foray into rap. MC Hobo appeared cranked out of his face on Letterman and I can't believe my Casey would be taking part in this if it was legit. My boyfriend is good people. I mean fuck, he's from Boston!

Of course if Joaquin ends up dead in a ditch with a needle in his arm, I'll eat these words. Until then, shenanigans!!

Watch his 'performance' here;
http://www.tmz.com/videos?autoplay=true&mediaKey=da5a6a66-4928-4e88-90a1-e51f1f243a95

Do Manicurists, Publicists and Plastic Surgeons Accept Food Stamps for Payment?

I'm officially obsessed with that Scrambled Eggs for Brains bitch who birthed a litter of eight humans. Dateline NBC dedicated an entire hour on Tuesday night to OctoMommy Nadya Suleman and it was one crazy fucking hour. One minute I'm rolling my eyes, the next I want to dump my TV off my balcony. Essentially it was just more confirmation that this nutty bitch has MAJOR psychological issues and is breeding these unfortunate, innocent humans in an attempt to fill some kind of emotional void. Selfish, much? Has this bitch never heard of nine vodka sodas followed by meaningless sex with a stranger? Seems to work for the rest of us. At least that way no innocent children are affected (thank you makers of the morning after pill!)

I'm totally fascinated by this despicably irresponsible and negligent baby factory for several reasons. Superficially, did anyone else notice in the shots where she's showing off her eight babies in the hospital (you know, the premature ones hooked up to tubes and still at risk of developing diseases like cerebral palsy?) she was sporting French tip acrylic nails? I can't afford a manicure but this bitch who is on food stamps, has no job, lives in a three-bedroom house with her parents and now has 14 mouths to feed has French tips? Interesting. Also interesting that she has a publicist. On food stamps with a publicist? God bless America! Also fascinating was her lips. The Dateline special showed older pictures of Scrambled Eggs Brains from when her first couple of future psychiatric patients were born and bitch was NOT sporting the huge pillow lips she has now. Hmm.......



Why do I think Mr. and Mrs. Smith is playing on loop in the Suleman household?

Got Milk? Not Anymore

Laying down a proper beat down on your bitch requires strong bones. Strong bones require calcium. That's why whenever I'm getting ready to put my fists on my lady's face, I like to have a nice, tall glass of milk. Milk does a body good.


The people behind the milk mustache (which I've always found disgusting by the way) are taking a page from Wrigley gum and dropping Chris Brown's bitchbeating ass. The milk peeps say;

"The Milk Mustache campaign is taking the allegations against Chris Brown very seriously... we are very proud and protective of the image of the Milk Mustache campaign and the responsible message it sends to teens. Mr. Brown's ad was launched last fall and is scheduled to end this week."

Dirty Basstard

Is it me or is Chuck Bass totally eye raping the shit out of Nate? Is it me or is it hot in here? Yowza.

Anyhomo, Chuck Bass and Nate 'ManBangs' Archibald are roomies in real life which of course, in my head means they make out. A lot. Recently some whore blabbed to the New York Daily News that their apartment is a hot mess saying:

“It stinks!” an insider insists. “Those boys are slovenly and have garbage and clothes everywhere. You’d think they were living in a frat house!”

Uhm. Chase Crawford and Ed Westwick are 23 and 21 years old respectively. No shit their apartment is a disast. Between the time they spend on set, banging chicks, attending Kings of Leon shows and the aforementioned make outs with each other, there's no time left for cleaning.

Speaking of dirty, check out this pic of my boyfriend with my girlcrush of yesteryear, Helena Christiensen. Hot.

M-I-C-K-E-Y -B-O-O-Z-E

Mickey Rourke frightens me. He comes to me in my nightmares and threatens to drain my blood before skinning my cats alive and wearing my underwear. I'm frightened of Mickey Rourke. But when I look at this picture of his busted face with his BAFTA award in one hand while swigging booze directly from the bottle with the other, I'm not gonna lie, it kinda makes me want to be friends with him. Methinks me and Mickey might get along just fine.

The Christian Bale fuck rant is like herpes, it just keeps on giving.

I've had mad love for Christian Bale since that hot bitch got naked and chased a ho with a chainsaw in American Psycho. Since then he's become one of my favourite actors....



So when news broke last week of his fuck-filled meltdown during which he verbally beatdown the DP on the set of latest Terminator, the normal human being in me thought his rant was an exercise in douchebaggery while the asshole, obscenity aficionado and occasional thrower of tantrums in me thought it was music to my ears. Throw in some C bombs and that shit would have been my new soundtrack for life. Is Christian a douchebag or my soulmate? I was conflicted to say the least...

But in the days following the release of Christian's fuckstravaganza, I've come to see that his rant is the best thing to happen so far in 2009. The amount of of remixes and mashups this gem has spawned has given me more pleasure than my last three dates.

Here's a roundup of the fucking gold that's come out in the past week. You'll have to cut and paste unfortunately, I can't seem to get it to link and I'm five seconds away from going 'Chris Brown' on my computer.

Christian Bale Fucking Dance Remix. I need to hear this at the club;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YTihsJQHt48&eurl

Christian Bale Rant vs. Bill O'Reilly Meltdown: "WE'LL DO IT LIVE! Oh, good for you. Fucking thing sucks, I'll fucking kick your fucking ass!" Brilliant.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gbz6-7c_7Hk

Remember a young Bale in Newsies? That shit got the remix treatment baby, presenting.....Fuckin' Newsies!

http://www.bestweekever.tv/2009/02/04/christian-bales-rant-presents-fckin-newsies/

And last but not least, my personal favourite, Christian Bale Takes David to the Dentist.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=70r-Ca8wcVg&eurl=http://defamer.com/5149887/when-bale-rant-met-tripping-7+year+old?autoplay=true

You have to have watched the video of that kid all doped up after the dentist to truly appreciate the artistry and pure genius of this video. If you don't have time to watch all of these gems, please watch this last one. I've watched it about five times in a row and I'm still pissing my pants. Watch it now or I'll fucking kick your fucking ass!!!

Daily Male: Neil Patrick Harris

Do you watch How I Met Your Mother?

If not, you should start. It's no Arrested Development obviously but it's an awesome show and not enough people are watching it. I think it's the title, How I Met Your Mother makes it sound like it's some lame ass family shitcom with annoying overly precocious kids. But the show is actually more like the early years of Friends than Full House.

The most awesome thing about this awesome show is Neil Patrick Harris.



NPH plays Barney Stinson, a legen - wait for it - dary womanizer who always suits up. NPH plays the shit out of this character, hes' amazing. And on a totally superficial level, I would totally tap that. Of course it would be rape because NPH doesn't like the ladies and has a hot ass boyfriend of his own. Sadness.



Mmmm....I'd like to watch.

Anyway, back to business. People, I implore you, stop watching no-talent famehores on pathetic shit shows like Dancing with the Hasbeens or The Bachelor (seriously ladies, don't lower yourselves) and make a weekly Monday night appointment with Dr. Doogie. He grew up nice, yes?

Wrigley Gum Spits Out Chris Brown

Chris Brown is thinking he'd like to double his pleasure and double his fun by beating down on both these bitches.

As I suspected might happen, Doublemint has dropped Chris Brown's ass in the wake of the controversy surrounding his alleged beatdown of Rihanna. A spokesperson for Wrigley gum told US Weekly;

"Wrigley is concerned by the serious allegations made against Chris Brown...we have made the decision to suspend the current advertising featuring Brown and any related marketing communications until the matter is resolved."

As I said before, Wrigley holding on to a guy accused of assaulting his girlfriend while Kellogg's dumped Michael Phelps' butterface for simply smoking pot would have been ten shades of fucked. Hey America! It's okay to smack your bitch up, just don't light up a fatty after wiping that dumb bitch's blood off your hands cause that would be immoral!



Rumours have been swirling all day about the extent of Rihanna's alleged injuries, reports range from bruises to her face to a broken jaw and possible bite marks on her arms. Biting is not cool unless you're both naked and even then, only in moderation, some of us don't want to wait three weeks before we can wear a short-sleeved top in public again, asshole! Anyway, back to Rihanna. Her people aren't talking, saying only "Rihanna is well. Thank you for concern and support." If Rihanna was not the victim in question here her reps would be denying the fuck out of it so it's pretty obvious it was her. Several outlets are full-on identifying her as the alleged victim. Chris Brown has hired Mark Geragos as his lawyer. Geragos has previously represented alleged child toucher Michael Jackson, pregnant wife killer and all around useless piece of shit Scott Peterson and fast fingers Winona Ryder. Brown's ass is due in court March 5th.

In the meantime he's pulled out of a scheduled performance at Sunday's NBA all-stars game. Both Chris and Rihanna canceled last night's Grammy performances last minute. Kim Kardashian, who's late father represented wife killer OJ Simpson, took to her blog to talk about Chris and Rihanna.

"I am in shock Rihanna and Chris canceled on this year’s Grammy show! I was SO looking forward to seeing both of them. They were essentially going to be the prom queen and king this year."




Uhm.. Bitch? Why was your ass even at the Grammys? In the words of the brilliant Joel McHale, Kim Kardashian is famous for having a big ass and a sex tape. Is getting pissed on by a third rate R&B singer really all it takes to get an invite to the big show?