Daily Male: Jason Bateman

A girlfriend recently texted me the following:

"I watched The Sweetest Thing the other day. You need to marry Jason Bateman."

Yes. Yes I do.

Because he's just so awesome and because he starred in Teen Wolf Too, or as my friend Scotty and I call it "Teen Wolf As Well" Jason Bateman is today's Daily Male.





I am not quite sure how I feel about this ensemble. I do know I have that strapless bra.



I would like to be the meat in this Bluth brother sandwich.


Vintage J-Bate

THIS IS SOME ALL DOGS (and cats) GO TO HEAVEN SHIT!!! That chimp? Not so much.

Wow. It's been a tough week for our furry little friends.

First, after 18 years of loyal companionship, Loki Rourke peaced off to heaven....



Then Travis, the chimp star of commercials for Coke and Old Navy met his maker. While Loki's crossing over was peaceful and natural, Travis aka FaceOff Chimp went down in a hail of police bullets after violently ripping the face off his mom's friend.



Now comes word that Socks Clinton, the former First Pussy has also quit this cold-hearted bitch called life.




Socks was put to sleep this morning after a battle with cancer. The former first family released a statement about Socks' passing and legacy;

"Socks brought much happiness to Chelsea and us over the years, and enjoyment to kids and cat lovers everywhere. We're grateful for those memories."


Socks has been reunited with the former First Dog Buddy, who was tragically killed in a car accident in 2002.





When asked for comment about the recent celebrity pet passings, Tinkerbell Hilton said "Why, oh why can't it be me? Somebody please put me out of my misery!! I'd do it myself if I only had opposable thumbs! Someone end this please!"



Socks Clinton
1989-2009

*This post is dedicated to Susan who lost her kitty Thomas this week.
RIP Thomas T.

Mickey Flies Solo

This is my former BFF Mickey Rourke arriving at LAX today in time for all the Oscar festivities. Nice cowboy hat, Mick. I have five of my own. I know he'd appreciate that.

You can't see it in this photo but Mickey has 43 bags of shoes weighing 80 pounds in total with him. Mickey hasn't yet chosen his Oscar attire and he wants to keep his footwear options open. I can relate. It's thinking like this that brought Mickey and I together in the first place but alas, our friendship was unceremoniously cut short when he stepped out with Herpes Hilton, that's actually the name of Paris Hilton's vagina, that's where herpes has a permanent suite. Valtrex is on the room service menu.

Anyway, it must feel so weird for Mickey to be traveling without his constant companion, Loki. What an emotional rollercoaster-y time this must be for Mickey, to be favoured to win an Oscar and mourning the love of his life at the same time. This is like when Barack Obama's grandmother peaced out just before he won the election. If only Loki could have stuck around another week. But Mickey knew it was selfish to ask Loki to hold on so he had to put his love for Loki ahead of his own desire to have her there for his big moment and let her go. If Mickey wins the Oscar, you just know he's going to honour Loki in a touching acceptance speech. And because I'll be eight glasses of wine into the evening, salty drops will fall from my eyes.

Speaking of my two guys, Mickey and Oscar, my friend Susan sent me this card in honour of the awards and my obsession with MickRo.

Super Gay Mario Brothers

My future ex-husband Kanye West continues to vomit up gold onto the pages of magazines and I continue to lap that shit up. Wait. Ew.




But seriously, I love this man and it has suddenly become crystal clear as to why.....

Kanye tells Details magazine that he was something of a computer geek as boy. In fact, back in the day, THE VOICE OF A GENERATION was the VIDEO GAME PROGRAMMER OF A GENERATION. Kanye says;

"My game was very sexual. The main character was, like, a giant penis. It was like Mario Brothers, but the ghosts were, like, vaginas. Mind you, I'm 12 years old, and this is stuff 30-year-olds are programming. You'd have to draw in and program every little step—it literally took me all night to do a step, 'cause the penis, y'know, had little feet and eyes."


Hmm......he spends all night working on the penis and the vaginas are ghosts. Are ghosts not generally considered to be negative? Also, he's working as a designer right now and recently spoke out about his love of rainbows...



Oh word. My love is gay.

Sigh.

Yep. This sounds about right.

THIS IS SOME MICHAEL JACKSON AND BUBBLES SHIT!!!!

I'm officially adding FaceOff Chimp to my current list of obsessions alongside my former BFF Mickey Rourke, OctoMommy and Joaquin 'MC Hobo' Phoenix. Seriously this FaceOff Chimp shit gets more cray cray by the day. FaceOff Chimp of course is the chimp who went all 'Seigfried and Roy's Tiger' all over some poor woman and ripped off her face. Shudder

Obviously a 200-pound chimp is not the most traditional of house pets but that is the most sane part of the story. FaceOff Chimp's owner, or his 'mom' as she refers to herself, Sandra Herold spoke to the media about her ChimpSon and well, you be the judge.



ChimpMom is all torn up about police having to shoot and kill her ChimpSon. I mean, not as torn up as the face of her friend but pretty torn up nonetheless. She tells CBS "I'm, like, hollow now, he slept with me every night. He combed my hair. Everything in the house is for him."

And if the image of this woman sleeping with a chimp every night wasn't disturbing enough, she goes on to say "Until you've eaten with a chimp and bathed with a chimp, you don't know a chimp,"

Well I'll guess I'll never know a chimp. And I think I'm pretty cool with that cause I mos def ain't bathin' with no chimp. Seriously lady, even Michael Jackson is like 'Bitch! You crazy!'

Daily Male: John Fitzgerald Kennedy Jr.

Barack Obama was in Canada today and that got me thinking all presidential-y. Then my friends Robyn, Tara and I were emailing each other back and forth about which dead celebrities we'd get busy with. On my list of five who ain't alive was JFK Jr. Effortlessly handsome, dapper, debonair, sexy John John rocked a great head of hair and this year will be ten years since he peaced out.

So John F. Kennedy Junior or June-yah as Elaine from Seinfeld pronounced it, is today's Daily Male.






I miss seeing shots of him jogging and biking in Central Park. JFK Jr. wore the shit out of a suit or tux but damn if he didn't rock it hard casual style, too.




John would be 48 years old now if he hadn't quit us way too early. I bet he'd have taken a page or two from the George Clooney Book of Getting Better With Age.

THIS IS SOME FACE OFF/28 DAYS LATER SHIT!!!1!!

File this shit under;

WHAT.THE.FUCK?!

Just before 1am, as I was getting ready to float away into sleepy dream times during which Justin Timberlake would greet me on a cotton candy cloud wearing nothing but a fedora and super sexy yet disarmingly charming smirk, I got a text from my friend Robyn informing me of a rather disturbing story out of Connecticut. Seriously this is some HORROR FILM SHIT!!!!

Okay, so this crazy bitch calls 911 freaking the fuck out. Why? Oh because her 200 pound pet chimp is tearing off her friend's face. You know, that old chestnut!



So, this 70-year-old broad has owned her 14-year-old chimp Travis (pictured above) since it was three-days-old. Travis even ventured into acting at one point, starring in an Old Navy commercial....



Morgan Fairchild didn't know it but her life was in critical danger that day. Yesterday, for no apparent reason, Travis flips the crazy switch and starts mauling his owner's friend, tearing off her face in the process. Lovely. While waiting for police to arrive with their guns, Travis' owner started beating her chimp with a shovel and then stabbing it in an effort to stop the attack. When authorities arrived they straight up shot the chimp and sent it to the big Old Navy in the sky. Crazy owner lady told the Today show “He looked at me like, ‘Mom, what did you do?’ It was horrific what happened and I had to do what I had to do, but still, I’ll miss him for the rest of my life.”

In the 911 call, during which you can hear the chimp screeching and wailing, this crazy bitch refers to the chimp as her 'son.' You can catch the 911 tape here, if you dare;

http://www.connpost.com/ci_11726076?source=most_viewed

THIS SHIT IS BANANAS!!!!!

Those who know me already know that my spot in hell was secured years ago. For those who don't, let me introduce you to the text convo between myself and Robyn last night.

Robyn: Chimp went Chris Brown on a bitch!
Me: I think Chris' chompers are still bigger than Travis'.
Robyn: What a way to go. How did Mary die? Oh, a chimp ripped off her fucking face!
Me: Travis, that murderin' chimp bastard!
Robyn: I wonder what made it go 'ape shit?' Zing!
Me: That? Was fucking gold. I want to make sweet love to you for that shit while Melissa Ethridge croons in the background.
Robyn: Come to my window, it's open so you could crawl inside
Me: Hopefully Travis won't crawl inside! I gotta say Robyn, I love you but if your ChimpSon ripped my face off, I think our friendship might be ovah.
Robyn: I would never let my pet chimp rip off your face. I promise.

Seriously this story is all shades of fucked and I cannot stop thinking about it! I think I'm adding FaceOff Chimp to my growing list of obsessions alongside Mickey Rourke, OctoMommy and Joaquin 'MC Hobo' Phoenix. FaceOff Chimp is why I look like a beat old whore today, I couldn't sleep a wink! I kept hearing FaceOff Chimp's wails and I'd have to feel around to ensure that my face was still intact. I was scared.

Speaking of scared, the next time one of my friends freak out when my little ten-pound cat gives them a little love bite, I'm gonna fire up that 911 tape and say 'at least you still have your face, bitch! FaceOff Chimp wouldn't be so charitable!"

Below is my 'killer cat' Ferris looking festive in his Christmas ensemble. I know Mickey Rourke would be proud of how I dressed him so seasonally-appropriate. But don't even get me started on that, I'm still choked about dear, departed Loki.

Maybe He's Born With It? Maybe It's Maybelline.

I'm gonna tap into my inner Christian Bale and ask 'What the fuck is with this fucking eye makeup on fucking Bono?' If this is what's been under those sunglasses all these years, he best put those bitches right back the fuck on!

Listen, Paul, darling. You and I go back like what, 18 years? My love for you runs deep. You're the longest relationship I've ever had with a man. I've stood by you through thick and thin, through Zooropa and Pop, I defended your ass. I even looked the other way when pictures surfaced last year of you and two teenaged skanks cavorting in France. No, I don't like your new song but we can get past that because I do love you, I really do. So it's from a place of love that I say this; WASH THAT SHIT OFF YOUR EYES CAUSE YOU'RE TOO FUCKING OLD FOR THIS SHIT!

Tara, Robyn, I want an explanation for this and I want it right fucking now!

Paris Hilton Killed Mickey's Dog

Grab your 40 and pour some of that shit on the sidewalk for little Loki today. Mickey Rourke's beloved pooch is now humping legs in the big dog kennel in the sky. Bitch is dead. Loki peaced outta here on Monday at the ripe old age of 18. THIS IS SOME MARLEY AND ME SHIT!!!


Who is Mickey going to take to the Oscars now????

Hmm....MickRo is partying with Paris Hilton on the weekend and on Monday, the love of his life is dead. The cause of death probably wasn't old age, I think canine herpes claimed Loki. Somebody get Detectives Benson and Stabler from Law & Order: SVU on the case!!!

See? This is what happens when you fraternize with Paris Hilton. I'd say I told ya so to my former best friend but Mickey is down and out in Beverly Hills right now and I can't rub his busted face in it, it would be 'UnSouthern' of me. Mickey needs time to mourn. Maybe this tragedy is what was needed to bring us back together? Maybe we will settle in Miami after all? So many unanswered questions right now. In the meantime, a moment of silence for lil Loki....



Loki Rourke.
1991 - 2009

My Head Just Exploded

More images from the Most Stylish issue of GQ featuring Justin Timberlake.....






I gotta go take care of some business.

When Kanye Opens His Mouth, Gold Spills Out

My boyfriend, the self-described VOICE OF A GENERATION and Louis Vuitton Don is also featured in the GQ Most Stylish issue. I can't believe he's okay with appearing only on the inside of the mag while Justin Timberlake nabbed the cover. After all, JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE WENT ON VACATION, KANYE MADE ALBUMS!!!!! I'm shocked Kanye didn't push Justin down the stairs from behind. THIS IS SOME SHOWGIRLS SHIT!!!!!

Anyway, Kanye talks about his personal style in GQ and as always, he's full of modesty and humility. Apparently reporters at GQ are SQUID BRAINS!! and do not have CAPSLOCK on their computers? Because clearly, this requires ALL CAPS AND EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!

“At photo shoots, people are always trying to put that fucking Day-Glo suit on me: ‘Kanye West is gonna wear this Day-Glo suit.’ No, Kanye West is not! I might wear a Day-Glo pocket square. Or socks. But I’m a normal human being! Kanye West is not your hanger.’”

Dirty Blonde loves that Kanye West speaks about himself in the third person. It reminds Dirty Blonde of the Seinfeld eisode where Jimmy is new in town. Jimmy is pretty sweet on Elaine. JIMMY'S GONNA GET YOU KRAMER!! HANDS OFF JIMMY!!. DON'T TOUCH JIMMY!! LET GO OF JIMMY!!!"

Omigod! Kanye West is Jimmy! THIS IS SOME SEINFELD SHIT!!!!

Anyway, in addition to being inside the pages of GQ, Jimmy is on the cover of Details...



Unlike the cover of Vibe, Kanye isn't sporting any grey in his beard so I guess this doesn't qualify as SOME BENJAMIN BUTTON'S SHIT!!!!!!!! In the pages of Details Kanye basically talks more about why he is SOOOO DOPE!!!!!!

"I'm the fucking end-all, be-all of music. I know what I'm doing. I did 808s in three weeks. I got it. It's on cruise control. . . . Man, we talked about music for God knows how long! Now let's talk about how my fucking sweater didn't come back right from Korea. That's what's interesting me."

Every day I grow to love Kanye West more and more. Kanye makes me happy in my heart. Or at least that space in my chest where my heart is supposed to be. Kanye is helping me get over breaking up with my former best friend and SQUID BRAINS Mickey Rourke. Kanye West cannot let me down. If I see pictures of Kanye West with Paris Hilton I'm officially gonna quit this bitch. 'This bitch' meaning 'life.' Death by vodka. THIS IS SOME LEAVING LAS VEGAS SHIT!!!!

OctoMommy Goes To The Media To Say She Doesn't Want to Be in the Media.

My obsession with the tragic train wreck that is OctoMommy Nadya Suleman continues. Our favourite poor woman's (literally) Angelina Jolie recently had her ass dropped by her publicist because people were threatening to straight up murder the publicist for representing this nutjob.

Now OctoMommy is telling People magazine that despite rumours, she is not going all 'Single White Female' on fellow child hoarder Angelina's ass. Nadya says "All lies. I have no interest in her. None." Hey Nadya, you know what would make your claims more believable? If you didn't look like Angelina Jolie. And if you weren't sporting some recently-acquired pillow lips.

Scrambled Eggs Brains went on to say that she's not enjoying the media frenzy surrounding her litter saying "it's a nightmare" and that she hopes it will die down soon. Hmm.....let me get this straight. The woman who sat down for not one, but two interviews with Dateline NBC, whose pictures of her frightening pregnant belly ended up on TMZ, who hired a publicist and set up a website featuring pictures of her newborn babies in their incubators soliciting donations from the public isn't enjoying the notoriety? What would make this more believable would be if she was telling this to say, a friend instead of oh, I don't know...PEOPLE MAGAZINE?

I'd have a modicum of respect for this woman if she just came out and admitted "Yes, I'm loving this media attention and I'm hoping that by birthing this litter of babies I will cash in with my own reality TV fertility freak show on TLC. I mean, you morons put those Jon and Kate people on TV and they only have eight kids. I had eight kids AT ONCE motherfuckers!"

Friends Off!

Oh Mickey. Why you gotta play me like this? I thought we were friends. I looked past your busted face to see the real you, the dog-dressing, from-the-bottle-swigging, shoe whore you really are and I loved you for it. I thought this was the beginning of a lifelong friendship. I saw us taking vacations together with an obscene amount of luggage and then eventually when we were old and grey, relocating to Miami where we'd live as roommates, sip mint juleps (straight from the bottle, naturally) dress up your dogs and my cats in floral prints and serenade each other 'Thank You For Being a Friend.' I had such high hopes for your Thelma to my Louise. So imagine my heartbreak when I logged onto Perez Hilton today to find this;



My Mickey at Paris Hilton's birthday party over the weekend.
I'm sorry Mickey. It was fun while it lasted but alas, we must go our seperate ways. Some things simply cannot be tolerated. I wish you well.

Daily Male: Emile Hirsch

This is Emile Hirsch at Justin Timberlake's aforementioned William Rast show at Fashion Week in NYC. Emile and JT costarred in Alpha Dog together. I obviously saw Alpha Dog for the sole purpose of gawking at some shirtless JT but I also developed lady bone for young Emile. Did you see him in Into the Wild? He plays Chris McCandless, that real life dude (or rather, real dead dude now) who gives up middle class existence to walk the Earth, live in the wild, eat twigs and fend off bears. If 23-year-old Emile was in my apartment, he'd be fending of a cougar. This hot, young piece is today's Daily Male.

Now We All Can Get Into Justin's Pants!

This is My Love, JT at the big show for his William Rast collection during Fashion Week in NYC. Yes, my JT is not only a singer, dancer, actor and star of many a dirty dream of mine, he's also a designer. Interesting but when I think of JT, clothes are the furthest thing from my mind.

In other JT news, he and his shehulk girlfriend Jessica Bile (haha that was totally a typo but I'm leaving it) apparently just purchased an apartment together in New York. Ugh. I do not approve.

XOXO Gossip Girl

Good Morning Upper East Siders.

This is Kristen Bell front row at one of the shows during Fashion Week in NYC. I've never seen her old show Veronica Mars though my friend Scotty tells me it's good shit. Despite not having seen her show I still have mad love for K-Bell. Every week her sweet melodious tones narrate my show, Gossip Girl. She was also in the totes hilar comedy Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Plus, Kristen is only three apples tall. We shorties gotta stick together!

When I eventually finish my autobiography, have it published and subsequently have it adapted into a screenplay, I totally want Kristen Bell to play me. Actually my orig choice is Reese Witherspoon but let's get realistic, we're not gonna have the budget for her so Kristen Bell it is!





Yes, she's cuter than me but why wouldn't I cast someone more adorable to play me? I'm vain and shallow, not stupid, yo. Of course, she'll likely be 50-years-old by the time this all happens so there will have to be some serious BENJAMIN BUTTON SHIT!!!! at play.