Torture Innocent Animals, Get a Reality Show. God Bless America!!

Take your laptop into the bathroom to read this because this shit is going to make you want to vomit everything you've ever eaten or even thought about eating....Philadelphia Eagles QB, convicted felon, torturer of animals and all around hemorrhoid on the ass of society, Michael Vick is getting his own reality show! America, the beautiful!

Vick, as you'll recall, served 18 months, aka NOT ENOUGH TIME, in prison for operating a dogfighting ring. Since completing his sentence, which was likely akin to a stay at a country club, this scum signed a 1.3 million dollar contract with an option for next year worth 5.2 million. Who says crime doesn't pay, kids? As long as you can throw a fucking football or sing an R&B song, you can cut your ex wife's throat, beat the fuck out of your girlfriend or torture innocent animals and still laugh your ass all the way to the bank while thousands of hard-working, law-abiding chumps struggle paycheck to paycheck. Awesome!

The 8-part Michael Vick Project will air on BET sometime next year. A rep from the network says; “Michael Vick’s story is about second chances, and we are excited to have the opportunity to tell his complete story." Uh huh. Too bad many of the dogs he heartlessly tortured will not get that same second chance. But oh well, right? They're just animals, they don't count. The monster himself says the reasoning behind doing the series is he wanted to show, “the ugly results of my decisions.” Oh reeaaaally. Personally, I'd rather those ugly results involved him getting brutally ass raped within an inch of his miserable life while his balls are locked in a vise rather than him cashing million dollar checks. Speaking of ugly results, if you really want to see the ugly results of dogfighting, click on the link below and then tell me this Vick business isn't some fucked up shit. The image below is disturbing, to say the least.

http://www.usanimalprotection.org/gypsy100.jpg

Development No Longer Arrested On Arrested Development Movie

Here's Jason Bateman this week at the premiere of his new film, Couples Retreat. The photo caption says that trick is his wife but clearly that's a mistake since that is not a picture of the two of us together. Interesting.

Seriously, how lovable is the Bateman? He's the kind of guy with whom you'd never have a one-night-stand because you want to date this guy, not just bang him (although obvi, you totes want to do that too) You want to go to dinner and movies with him, you want to bring him home to your parents, you want to eat brunch with him on a lovely Sunday afternoon, you want to spend the holidays with him, you want to spend a weekend in the mountains with him where you'd sip champagne by the fire and swap funny stories, and eventually you'd marry him in an expensive yet elegantly tasteful ceremony.

J-Bate was on the Ellen Degeneres show today where he confirmed an Arrested Development movie is in the works. Taste the happy! We already knew this was true but it's been quiet on the AD movie front lately so it's nice to get an update. I'd cry but I can't spare the moisture. Jason says the project is in the script stage and they hope to be on set by the middle of next year. Below is another picture of Jason Bateman. Just because.

Couples Retreat opens this weekend and was directed by this guy below. Does he look familiar?

It's Ralphie from A Christmas Story! I guess he didn't shoot his eye out with that Red Ryder BB Gun! Go Ralphie!!!!

Calgary Tiger Attempts to Speed Up Natural Selection

Two dudes in Calgary are charged with trespassing and epic levels of dumbassedness after the retards broke into the Calgary Zoo earlier this week and hopped the fence into the tiger pit. One of the tigers 'went tiger' on their asses and mauled them. One of the dudes, who are both 27, was more seriously injured than the other and may lose an arm. Good.

The guys, who must have been drunk or high off their stupid faces, jumped the fence in the early hours of Monday and called 911 after the tiger failed to roll out the welcome mat. See, this is why I'd never make it as a paramedic, if I raced my ass out to the scene only to find two retards who brought this shit on themselves, I'd say "Aw hell no. I left Starbucks for this shit?" and turn around and leave their asses behind. Natural selection should not be messed with.

Seriously did these fuckers think they were starring in The Hangover? The Calgary Zoo ain't Mike Tyson's estate, douchebags.

Levi To Pose Sans Levis

The dumbest (and hottest) teenaged baby daddy in the game, Levi Johnston, is continuing his famewhoring ways and, unlike appearances on drag queen Tyra Bank's and geriatric pervert Larry King's talk shows, this is a some exposure I can get behind. Or in front of. Or on top of. Or under.....

Young Levi is set to pose in Playgirl. No word yet on whether he'll be totally nekkid but apparently his Alaskan ass is hitting the gym harder than Chris Brown hit Rihanna to prepare for his close up. Delightful. No word on when we'll get to see Levi out of his Levis but the hotness is expected to happen before the end of the year. Merry Christmas!

To Pull Out or Not to Pull Out, That is The Question

Here's Jude Law returning to his theatre roots on the Broadway stage. 2004's Sexiest Man Alive is currently playing Hamlet. Because Jude Law is so pretty and looks smokin' in a pair of skinnies, it's easy to forget this bloke can actually act.

Jude's working hard for the money, starring in eight productions a week of this three-hour play until early December and his performances are getting mostly favourable reviews from critics. This is good news for Jude since he now has another mouth to feed.

You've probably heard how Jude bumped unprotected uglies in what was allegedly a one-night-stand with this trick above named Samantha Burke. Nine months later, Sam popped out a bouncing baby paycheck. In true Maury Povich-style, Jude demanded a paternity test which determined he was in fact, the father of the baby girl.

Now normally I'd advise anyone who gets knocked up after a one-night stand to make an appointment to have the problem 'taken care of.' But cases like this are the exception. I don't begrudge this lady one bit for carrying that kid to term, she was harvesting at least 18 years of regular monthly payments in that womb of hers! If I got knocked up by someone with a fat ass bank account like Jude's? Shit I'd be on bed rest the entire nine months to make sure nothing happened to my little cash cow, especially in these harsh times of economic uncertainty. You gotta diversify how you make money if you're gonna survive this shit! I raise a glass in your honour Sam, well done!

My issue is with Jude Law. Dude already has three kids with his ex-wife, why the shit would he put himself at risk of having to share even more of his benjamins. Wait, he's English, it is Elizabeths? Anyway, must I again quote the incomparable Dorothy Zbornak when I scream "CONDOMS, JUDE! CONDOMS! CONDOMS! CONDOMS!" Jude needs to sit down with and listen to some sage advice from this guy....

Ain't none of his pucks getting past the goalie.

Piven and Pain

Here's Jeremy Piven out and about recently in London, England. Wonder if he's going out for sushi?

Remember he backed out of a Broadway play in which he was starring claiming he was suffering from mercury poisoning due to his over-consumption of sushi? That story only makes me love the Piv even more. I'm going to try that excuse some time. I'm going out for sushi tomorrow night and I'm going to eat Piven levels of that shit. Partly because I love sushi more than I love most people and also because sushi is nice and soft and my mouth is fucked right now. I need a root canal. Fuck! I spent three hours today having dentists reefing on my tooth. It was not enjoyable. I blame my filthy mouth for this shit!

Fuck Shit Cock Balls!!!!

Has anyone else had a root canal? Am I in for a world of pain? Let me know!

Fugg Bass

Here's Chuck Bass on the Gossip Girl set with Miss Blair. I'm guessing they're shooting her from the waist up only since Blair would never, ever wear FUGGS. Seriously. Ick. It's waaaay past retirement time for those atrocities.

My guilty pleasure show is back after a summer hiatus. I swore I would quit this bitch but, like the mafia, this shit keeps pulling me back in. I put the blame squarely on that mother Chucker. I can't resist his smarmy ass. I was over at a friend's place recently where I was telling him about the crazy sex dream I had the night before about Chuck Bass when another friend called out from another room "I have no idea what you see in that guy." I know, I know. But you should have seen my dream. Crazy! I'm talking sleep orgasm. Sleepgasm?

Speaking of sex times. Apparently an upcoming episode will feature a threesome. No word yet on who will be participating in le menage a trois. Personally I'd like to see Chuck, Nate and Dan go to town on each other but I don't think that's gonna happen. A girl can dream...And I will.

Bono and ScarJo Are Off to See The Wizard

Here's Bono with my girl crush ScarJo at a concert in NYC last night to benefit RED, Bono's Africa charity. I'm not quite sure how The Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz figures into the equation, maybe there was a theme? Anyway, it's from a place of love that I say to Bono, 'dude, please button up your shirt, you are too old for that Rico Suave shit.' In fact, no age is the right age to bust out that cheese. Please.

That said, did you catch Bono and Matt Damon's cameo on Entourage this past Sunday night? Brilliant.

Daily Male: Charlie Day

I explained earlier why I've been such a negligent and absentee whore when it comes to blogging this summer. But now that the bitch is back, what better way to get back in action than with some man candy, right?

Today's Daily Male is Charlie Day because in my world EVERY day is Charlie Day.

Who the fuck is Charlie Day, you ask? Fair enough. Allow me to enlighten. Charlie Day is one of the stars, writers, producers, and creators of THE funniest show EVER, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.



If you've not seen nor even heard of Sunny, it's understandable, I was once just like you. But please don't let its lack of mainstream success deter you from checking out this shit. This brilliant show has been around since 2005 but only came into my life this past summer. Since then I've made it my mission to convert all my friends into Sunny fans. I honestly don't understand how I functioned without it, or why it took so long for me to find a show that, with its wildly inappropriate humour, is clearly tailor-made for a depraved degenerate like myself but I believe things come into your life when you're ready for them and only then. It doesn't matter how long It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia took to come into my life, just that it is here now. Seriously, I cannot imagine my life without this sweet, sunny delight. Just thinking about it causes a strange, salty liquid to well up in my eyes. What is this shit, anyone know?

Enough of that. Back to my boy Charlie. My sweet, illiterate, glue-huffing Charlie....

I know Charlie is no Brad Pitt or David Beckham and though I obviously find those gentlemen hot as hell, this little morsel is EXACTLY my type. I am a sucker for a short, scruffy guy who isn't too precious about himself and who makes me laugh. Seriously, it is my kryptonite, I am powerless to resist. And if ever presented with the Sophie's Choice of bumping genitals with Brad Pitt or Charlie, I gotta go with the C Man. I would pay the troll toll to get into this boy's hole! Charlie is everything I love in a dude. And just look at him below in those jaunty chapeaus. Adorable, no? For a moment I think he actually took the form of a basket of kittens. He is that adorable! I want to lovingly bake him a batch of delicious chocolate chip cookies right.fucking.now. And not even that pre-made Pillsbury shit, I want to make those bitches from scratch!

Gah! Check out my morsel above in that fedora! Fuck the cookies and clear the kitchen counter I want to do sex to this bitch right now.

This summer I met a young man who somewhat reminded me of Charlie. So I banged him. I had to. Several times. True story!

I watched an episode of Sunny just before falling asleep last night then I had a dream about this pint-sized piece. We were hanging with the cast and...spoiler alert - it ended with sexytimes. Yeah, it did.

You have to be a fan of the show to truly appreciate the majesty of the pics below.



If you're a fan of inappropriate humour, you will love It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. It's like Seinfeld but way edgier. For months my friends were telling me to watch Sunny and when I checked it out online and saw that some of the episode titles were "The Gang Gets Racist" "Charlie Wants an Abortion" "The Gang Goes Jihad" and "Sweet Dee Dates a Retarded Person," I knew this was the show for me. I was not wrong. Please watch this show. Or I will SMASH YOUR FACE INTO A JELLY!

Broken Screens and Broken Dreams

Over the last two months I've received several inquiries from people asking why I haven't been blogging. I've had people asking if I'm dead, passed out in a ditch somewhere in a vodka haze with my panties around my ankles or if I'm just a stupid, lazy bitch. I didn't realize I had such followers! And while all of those guesses have a modicum of truth to them, the real reason is this....

Fuuuuck, right?

As you can see, due to an accident about which I'd rather not talk (the emotions are still raw like sushi) my screen was more busted than Britney's weave, Tori Spelling's face and Paris Hilton's vagina. Bitch was down and out in Beverly Hills! But not unlike a scorching case of herpes, you can't keep a Dirty Blonde away for too long. To quote Elton John, the bitch is back!! My computer screen is fixed. Fuck yeah! Now let's get back to being dirty, shall we?

P.S. Thanks to Weichi and Meghan for this...

Amazing! Loves it.

Waking Up With the Kings

If you're like me you've dreamed of waking up with Caleb Followill. Many times. Many, many times. Fuck Folgers in your cup, the best part of waking up would be rolling over and right into dirty morning sesh with Mr. Followill. But since that shit ain't ever gonna happen (le sigh) we'll have to settle for this; Kings of Leon were on the Today show this morning.

Apparently we're not the only ones who want to wake up with a Followill brother/cousin because the Today show received 20 thousand requests for this morning's performance, the most they've ever received. If you've ever seen the boys live you know they always bring it and sound awesome and this morning was no exception. Also, if I may wade into the shallow end of the pool for a moment (who am I kidding, I live there) Caleb looks mighty fine rocking a salmon-coloured shirt. Who knew? I love a man who's secure enough in his manhood to sport something pink.

KOL performed three songs, Use Somebody, Notion and Sex on Fire. Replace Use Somebody (I'm kinda 'over it') with I Want You or better yet, Closer, and it would have been almost too much to handle. I loooooove living alone but it's times like this when cohabitation would have its benefits, to use somebody, if you're picking up what I'm putting down.

Click below for the boys' performances before the Nazi Broadcasting Corporation, NBC pulls this shit down:

Use Somebody;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Ln_NXmaoF0

Sex on Fire;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xkB2RnUBCgA

Notion;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2dnGztLi3Pg

And just cause it's porn for your eyes and ears, here's vintage KOL performing Trani live;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Su-PfHBuuV0

I Do Not Want Tickets To This Gun Show

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Mommy Issues

The other day I was on the phone with my mother, explaining to her that I was going to see a movie that night. "Which movie?" she asked. "Bruno," I responded. "Never heard of it," She replied. I immediately became frustrated as to how someone who is living in North America and exposed to even the smallest bit of media could have not heard of Bruno. They pimped the shit out of that movie all over the God damned place. And why even ask what movie I'm going to see if there's a 98% chance that you will not have heard of whatever title is about to come out of my mouth, right? Argh! So I just sighed heavily and said 'Well, I don't know how that is possible, but whatever." (Sidenote: this is why I don't think I want kids, cause if I have a daughter who's a sassy little bitch like me, I will slap her face. Daily) Anyway, as annoyed as I was at my mother for having the audacity to not be up on pop culture, I gotta say I'd take that any day over this...

Here are some ladies at the Twilight press conference at Comic-Con. Grown ass women losing their shit and lady jizzing in their pants over some teenaged vampire bullshit? Really? Ugh.  These ladies remind me of the Amy Poehler character in Mean Girls.

Remember her? I'm not like a regular mom girls, I'm a cool mom! Yeah, I'll pass.  I'll take my ridiculously out-of-touch mother over this, thanks.

Little Orphan Esther

Here's some Peter Sarsgaard action at the premiere of his new move The Orphan that opens this weekend.  Loves me some Sarsgaard, even though he's not looking his best here. But I don't love P-Sars enough to see this movie. Partly because psycho kids freak me the fuck out and also because this movie looks like a real steamer. 

Have you seen the trailer? Ridic. I guess this couple adopts some orphaned girl and she turns out to be a direct descendent of Satan himself and of course, makes life a living hell for the family. People, this is why you keep your receipts for all your purchases, so you can return that shit when it doesn't fit. Hell, even if it does fit, keep the receipt anyway. Cause sometimes you wear an new outfit out and then you're like "meh, I'm over it." Return that shit. Shut up, you will not judge me.

Anyway, apparently several adoption organizations have their panties in a twist over this movie. They're calling for a boycott because they fear the adopted child in this movie is portrayed as such an evil beast from the ninth circle of hell that it will discourage people from adopting. Uhm...really? If someone was seriously contemplating adoption and then changed their mind because of some stupid ass horror movie, they've done that child, and the word at large, a huge favour. Because if you'd let some cheese ass movie influence you even a little bit in making such a huge life decision like that, you're a God damned fucking retard (or reTARD as I'm fond of pronouncing it these days, thanks Alan from The Hangover) and should not be raising a child that will, in turn become the next generation of reTARD. We have enough reTARDS already, thanks. We're all stocked up over here, we're good. 

The Amazing Astro Girl

Soaring high in the sky, he may be small but only in size. Astro Boy Astro Boy, he is brave and gentle and wise...

A big screen version of Astro Boy is coming out this October. Kristen Bell, Nic Cage and Donald Sutherland all provide voices but apparently the film isn't entirely animated, there are some live action parts. That's the only way to explain Rihanna's new hairstyle. Clearly she's been cast as Astro Girl in the live action portions.