Daily Male: Kings of Leon

"Rise and shine all you gold-diggin' mothers are you too good to tango with the poor, poor boys"

I'm hardcore obsessed with Kings of Leon right now. Obsessed. In fact, I am listening to them right now. The boys played Madison Square Gardens last night. My boyfriend Chuck Bass was there. Jealous! Just as well, between the Followill cousin brothers and Chuck Bass, it would have been too much for my little black heart. So from a safe distance, KOL are today's Daily Male.

A Horse is a Horse

Here's Miley Cyrus and a beautiful horse. I want to feed her carrots and sugar cubes. The animal, too.

I think Miley should have taken a page from Lucille Bluth when Lucille didn't want to give Lindsay an elephant brooch because she didn't want to "invite the comparison."

Sometimes this shit is just too easy.

Eight is More Than Enough

Have you heard about that woman in California who gave birth to octuplets?

The mother released a statement to the media saying "Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow...."

Or that's what she should have been saying because unless you are a cat, you should not be giving birth to eight babies at once. I don't think you should give birth to eight babies AT ALL but especially not at once.
We're humans, we're not supposed to deliver litters.

News came out yesterday that this woman already has six kids. I ain't no John Nash-style mathlete but that makes 14 kids. 14 KIDS!?!?!! WTF??

To top off this gem of a story, bitch is 33 and lives at home with her parents. That's some good decision-making.

Does anyone else think this is some sick shit? Someone please neuter this cat! Where's Bob Barker when we need him?!

Daily Male: Detective Elliot Stabler

Between cat pee, cat vomit, parking tickets, failing technology and assfucker tenants, I've had the type of day that has made me want to cut off someone's genitals, stuff them down their throat and then set them on fire. So in honour of my homicidal rage, today's Daily Male is Detective Elliot Stabler of Law & Order: SVU. If I do commit the aforementioned crime, I can only hope Detective Stabler is the one to slap the cuffs on me. And arrest me too.



"In the criminal justice system, sexually-based offenses are considered especially heinous. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Special Victims Unit. These are their stories." Boom Boom.




Yesterday's Daily Male with today's! Worlds colliding.


The cleaner he gets, the dirtier I feel.

Daily Male: Paul Rudd

"Know how I know you’re gay? You like Coldplay"

Know how I know I'm NOT gay? I wanna do Paul Rudd.









Sex Panther. 60 per cent of the time, it works every time.



This is Paul Rudd at Sundance two years ago. We got to interview him. He asked me to smell his beard. I did. It smelled like what I imagine heaven would smell like. Love.

Beat

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It's Hard Out There for a Beard

Vanessa: You know, this charade has grown tiresome.

Zac: Just smile and gaze lovingly into my eyes. Our Disney contract specifically states you must lovingly gaze into my eyes at least four times during each public appearance. It's clause six amendment seven of the contract, don't make me pull it out and show you.

Vanessa: Oh honey, if you actually did pull it out every once in a while I'd be a lot happier pretending to be your girlfriend. Sigh.

Zac: Jesus Christ Vanessa give it a rest, Katie Holmes has been doing this for almost three years you don't hear her complaining.

Vanessa: You don't hear much from Katie Holmes the woman is a robot. There's no way I will...Wait a second, what's that I feel against my thigh. Zac? Hmmm....Hold on, Robert Pattinson just walked in, didn't he? Sigh.

DAMN!!!! THIS IS SOME ANDY KAUFMAN SHIT!!1!!!

So you know how Joaquin Phoenix has lost his fucking mind and decided to quit acting to pursue a new career as a rapper? And you know how his brother-in-law, the Boston hotness that is Casey Affleck is documenting all this fuckery for a so-called documentary profiling Joaquin's foray into rap/descent into madness? Remember know how he performed his raps in Vegas looking like a homeless mess and fell off the stage? (half-assed if you ask me, my friend Robyn fell off a stage in Cabo and broke her face, that's commitment)




Anyway, it seems these dudes may be in cahoots and pulling some Andy Kaufman-style shenanigans on our asses. In short, they are fucking with us. Apparently some friends of Joaquin say that like Transformers, there's more than meets the eye about this rap business. A source who claims to know Joaquin told Entertainment Weekly that Joaquin told him 'It's a put-on. I'm going to pretend to have a meltdown and change careers, and Casey is going to film it.'"

Entertainment Weekly says Joaquin's intent is to "lampoon pompous actors and punk the media that covers them."

Hmm...doesn't putting so much effort into this elaborate ruse to skew pompous actors and teach the media a lesson, actually make Joaquin one of the pompous actors he's targeting? Ugh. I hate these 'I'm far superior to you now let me show you why with this artsy vanity bullshit project of mine that you won't understand because you're clearly beneath me' Hollywood douchebags. I liked this batshit trickery much better when I thought Joaquin hopped aboard the crazy train and was on the fast track to the big pharmacy in the sky and Casey was filming this shit for the inevitable intervention. I'm still holding out hope.

Daily Male: Andy Samberg

"See I'm wise enough to know when a gift needs givin' and I got just the one..."

Andy Samberg





Before Andy Samberg had a lazy Sunday, gave us his dick in a box, ran so far away and jizzed in his pants, he and his Lonely Island boys gave us a lesson in Kablamo and showed us just how two guys had a good time. Party over here!

Andy Samberg is one funny, hot Jew.

Does E-mail Have a Cockblock Setting?

Recently, over a glass of wine and some relatively subpar sushi, one of my girlfriends and I discovered we had something interesting in common; we've both received emails from guys featuring a picture of their penis. In my friend's case, the email, or p-mail, came from someone with whom she was once involved. It'd been nearly two years since they were involved and a couple months since their last platonic contact. Then, one day, out of the clear blue sky, she receives a photo of his cock. How very Pete Wentz of him. But seriously, WTF? What kind of response was this supposed to illicit? Was she supposed to be reminded of its glory and try to get back with him? Or book a ticket and hop on a plane for a quickie? I don't really understand the point of this. Dude, she's already seen it and she seems to be doing just fine without it.

In my case, I hadn't even met the dude yet when he incorrectly decided it was socially acceptable to email me a photo of his schlong. I was like dude, fo reals? What was I supposed to do with this? I mean, other than forward it on to my friends. Was this supposed to make me want to go out with him? Have sex with him? Well, it had the exact opposite effect -hell to the no was that thing coming near me, I'm a petite girl and my idea of a pleasant evening does not end with me in the ER getting stitches 'down there.' But even if dude wasn't in possession of something that could do significant damage to my lady bits, my reaction to the gesture would have been the same; total turnoff.

First of all, what a stupid thing to do, it just reeks of a mixture of douche and retard, douchetard if you will. Second, and not everyone will agree with me here, but penises aren't particularly attractive to look at*. I mean, they serve a purpose for sure and don't get me wrong, I enjoy them but I don't exactly want to sit and look at them, ya know? It's like why I laugh at male strippers instead of getting turned on. I'd rather see a guy in jeans and a T-shirt or rocking a suit like nobody's business. I'll take those over cock shots any day of the week. And if you really want to turn me on, send me a photo of you doing my dishes or cleaning out my cat litter box.

*The exception is a young man from Boston named Tom. He was, as he told me himself, blessed. A douchey thing to say but a) he said it in his Boston accent which immediately rendered it awesome and b) he was right.

Turning Japanese

Brad, Angelina and their child army have arrived in Japan. I'm not super into kids but holy crap those are some super cute babies, so cute I think I feel a tingling in my uterus, better throw myself down the stairs just to be safe. Extra precious is Knox, the little mini me Brad with his matching newsboy cap. Adorbs. If I had kids I would definitely make them dress like a mini version of me. I'd also teach them to mix vodka sodas with lime. Mommy needs her medicine.

I love how Maddox is rolling his eyes. He's so over this shit. He thought he struck gold when the crazy, rich white woman adopted his ass but now that he's got five other kids to contend with and he's living out of a suitcase, he's rethinking this mess. Maddox should be kicking it in Malibu with a mojito. He didn't sign on for this. He needs to call up Jennifer Aniston, break free from this traveling circus and hit the beach.

Spit it and I won't hit it

If I ruled the world (which is something I think about often) after making it mandatory for Justin Timberlake to sexually service me on a daily basis, my second order of business would be outlawing spitting.

Seriously, I hate spitters. Hate. How many times have you been walking down street and someone just horks one out right there on the sidewalk? Are you as disgusted by this as I am? Often, when someone spits near me, I'll say (in my 'outside voice' and full of contempt) "That's attractive." If someone I was dating spit while we were out and about, I would quit that shit right there. Spitting is a dealbreaker like smoking, or listening to Nickelback. Ew. Major ladybone killers.

If I was the HBIC (head bitch in charge) of Earth, I would make spitting a serious crime, like right up there with murder, rape and wearing Crocs. The first offense would be handled Singapore-style with a public caning. Second offense would result in being tied to a chair for 48 hours listening to Miley Cyrus songs while watching a Danny Bonaduce/Carrot Top ginger porno video. Offense number three would be punishable by death. Three strikes and you're out, bitches.

That said, I realize there are very rare circumstances where spitting is necessary, like in times of extreme congestion where your breathing is severely impaired by some sort of phlegm situation or if you're choking and about to peace out unless you spit out whatever it is on which you're choking. However, irrefutable evidence proving these claims would be required before the spitter in question was found not guilty. If you absolutely had to spit, then I must acquit - to put it Johnny Cochrane-style.

For me, the worst is girls who spit. Seriously. I realize I am not the poster girl for being ladylike, yes I have a horrible potty mouth and yes I was once discovered by a city cop drunk, pantsless and urinating in an alley (shut up, it was like ten years ago and YOU WILL NOT JUDGE ME!!) but I seriously draw the line at spitting. Just gross. Come on ladies, you're better than that!

And besides, every good girl knows it's just common courtesy to swallow.

Daily Male: T.I.

If you wanna come and kick it with a stand up guy...

Today's Daily Male is chocolate-flavoured. I didn't know who T.I. was until his ass popped up in JT's My Love video. Now he's everywhere and I'm totally cool with that. Sure, he's gonna spend a year in jail on some crazy weapons charges, yeah he's 28-years-old and got six kids but he's also got stacks on deck, Patron on ice and we can pop bottles all night.






I got lots of these guns, that's why my ass goin' to jail!


I want YOU to be my next babymama.

No. Just no.

Jessica Simpson's career is in the shitter right now and she's been reduced to playing county fairs in every butt fuck nowhere city in the United States. Either this outfit is the most unflattering atrocity to ever touch anyone's skin or J-Simp has been indulging in all the cotton candy, candy apples and corn dogs at her gigs. Jess is not a huge girl so I think it's the former. These are some serious Bad Idea Jeans.





Dear Jessica Simpson,

Burn this outfit. Now. Burn it, then piss on it like John Mayer allegedly used to piss on you, then bury this shit six feet under and never speak of it again.

SCREEN ACTORS GUILD AWARDS

It's awards season and I continue to lap up this shit like a cat before a bowl of milk.

The Hollywood circle jerk known as the Screen Actors Guild were held Sunday night. Let's talk about who looked hot and who was a hot mess....

KATE WINSLET


Kate Winslet always looks fantastic at these sort of events and this is no different. This blue number hugs her shapely curves and highlights her assets. I like that she's not a stick figure. My love of Kate Winslet knows no bounds, she is just so fucking awesome. Mickey Rourke and his busted face obviously agree.....



Awkward.

PENELOPE CRUZ


Is this velvet?

As George Costanza once said "If it were socially acceptable, I would drape myself in velvet."

It's not.

MARISA TOMEI


I sorta liked this dress. Except for the retarded bow action on her shoulder. It also went all down her back. It makes her look like a Christmas present.

I hope she saved the receipt.

AMY POEHLER & WILL ARNETT


Wife of Gob: I'm in love with your brother-in-law.
Gob: You’re in love with your own brother.
Wife of Gob: No, your sister's husband.
Gob: Michael? Michael.
Wife of Gob: No, that's your sister's brother.
Gob: No, I'm my sister's brother. You’re in love with me. Me.
Wife of Gob: NO! I'm in love with Tobias.

I love Amy Poehler. In my head, she and Tina Fey are my girlfriends and we hang out once a week. And as a true girlfriend I would have told her I'm not overly fond of this dress. What I am fond of though is her husband, Will Arnett. There is just something about Gob. I want to marry Michael Bluth but not before I spend a dirty weekend with Gob. He could show me all sorts of tricks. I mean illusions. A trick is something a whore does for money. Or cocaine. However, because Amy and I are friends, this can never happen.

BRANGELINA


Sigh. After wearing a frock from the Dorothy Zbornak collection at the Golden Globes, I was hoping Angie would amp up the style as we approach the Oscars. Yeah, not so much. This is pure ass.

Angelina Jolie is 33 years old and often regarded as the most beautiful woman ever. So someone please explain to me why she looks like a retired society matron. DAMN!!! THIS IS SOME REVERSE BENJAMIN BUTTON'S SHIT!!!1!!! The dress, the hair, everything is bad and makes her look like a 60-year-old on her fourth husband who will drink too many vodka tonics tonight, mix up her Vicodin and Percocet and pass out at the table. Her husband will yell at her in the car on the way home for once again, embarrassing him in public. She will yell back saying getting drunk is the only way she can tolerate him anymore.

Brad looks okay, I'm not feeling the no tie action and I cannot wait for him to lose that pornstache of his. His porn name would be Brick Ferguson and he has a penchant for Asians.

JEREMY PIVEN


Glad to see Jeremy Piven has recovered enough from his 'mercury poisoning' to attend this event. The Piv has got douche written all over him but I can't help but love him. I love me some sweet Ari Gold and he's rocking this suit and skinny tie pretty hard.

Jeremy claims he had to drop out of the Broadway production of Speed the Plow because he poisoned his ass by eating too much fish. I call bullshit. Lindsay Lohan seems to be handling it just fine.