For the past week or so, some dude has been handing out free ShamWows on Toronto's Church Street. I'm walking home from work, and dude is in my face with the ShamWow, I'm strolling into Starbucks, and dude is all up in my grill with ShamWow. I always politely say "no thanks," partly because I really have no use for ShamWow in my life but mostly because the ShamWow commercial guy freaks me the fuck out. He's SO intense. Like, intensity in ten cities, intense. He makes me feel like if I don't order ShamWow, he will kill my family in front of my face, ya know?
Anyway, I'm regretting passing on those free ShamWow's because apparently they have all kinds of uses. Like, par example, cleaning up a hooker's blood after you beat the living shit out of her for trying to bite off your tongue Hannibal Lecter-style. Multi-purpose! I can only hope that man is still peddling those free ShamWow's on Church St. because I'll take ten, thank you very much!
Anyway, on to the romantic comedy that is ShamWow Guy and the Hungry, Hungry Hooker......
These classy, refined and elegant images upon which you are feasting your eyes are the mugshots of Vince, the ShamWow guy and prostitute Sasha Harris taken after their romantic rendezvous in Miami last month. Apparently it was your classic love story; boy meets girl, boy pays girl for sex, girl attempts to bite off boy's tongue, boy Ike Turners the shit out of girl. You know, that old chestnut.
According to police reports, the two met at a club then headed back to a hotel where he paid her ass a thousand dollars to do sexytimes to him. (Sidenote: A thousand fucking bucks?! For THAT trick?? In this recession, no less? Methinks I need to re-evaluate my career options) Vince then kissed Sasha to get the party started (another sidenote: who the fuck kisses a prostitute? Somebody needs to rent Pretty Woman!) Anyway, during kissytimes, Sasha allegedly bit down on Vince's tongue and would not let up. Maybe Vince had fava beans and a nice Chianti for dinner and Sasha could taste the remnants and went Lecter? Vince then flew into a rage, knowing without his tongue, he could no longer earn his livelihood screaming the praises of ShamWows and SlapChops, and started ShamPowing a bitch. If the intensity in which he sells ShamWow is at all indicative of the intensity in which he beats a bitch, Sasha was tasting some serious pain. After the epic bitedown/beatdown,Vince ran screaming into the hotel lobby. The night ended with both their asses getting arrested.
Exhausted yet? This isn't even the craziest part of the story. Have a drink and keep reading...
Turns out Vince is a former Scientologist (that explains his scary Tom Cruise-like intensity!) and was once kicked out of the 'religion.' How crazy does your ass have to be to get kicked out of that wacky cult? These are people who believe in alien warlords for shit's sake! Getting kicked out of crazytown for being too crazy has gotta fuck with your self esteem. Apparently it had something to do with some low-budget movie he made involving Slash (?) Joey Buttafuco (??) and eventually some kind of Scientology kangaroo court presided over by a 14-year-old judge? I know, right? WTF?
Click below for more details because frankly, I'm already too confused and spent and I must find that free ShamWow guy on Church Street before it's too late! One never knows what next weekend will bring!
1 comment:
The low price of a thousand bucks for a prostitute isn't so bad if you get another prostitute for FREE when you order in the next fifteen minutes. Inquire about their easy installment options too!
Post a Comment